Queen Treatment with Monica Wadwa: Why Healthy Love Starts With You

I had a series of 2 very unhealthy relationships, one after the other, and I went on my own very deep healing journey around all of this kind of stuff. And a big thing for me was about self-love. And yeah, I recognized that.

In order for us to create something new, especially when it comes to healthy relationships, we have to let go of the past identity.

I really do see that the healthier your relationship is with yourself, then the healthier your relationships that you'll attract into your life.

In the dating world today, the modern dating culture getting the wrong thing right now? What is the main problem there today?

I kind of say that I think modern dating is optimized to keep us single.

How do you fix that? Grand rising and welcome to New Mind, where our intention is clear and is to share information for transformation. Thank you for being here. Thank you for tuning in today. I have a lovely guest by the name of Monica Wadwa. She is a dating and relationship coach and an author of Queen Treatment, a lovely book I've been hearing great things about. Her mission is to help more people form healthy, loving relationships with others. Through first forming healthy, loving relationships with themselves. Isn't that true? We need to always have a great relationship with ourselves. I want to welcome you to the show, Monica. This has been long due coming. So I know we have a lot of common friends in our network, and I think there's always this divine guidance that brings the right people together at the right time. So really, thank you for making the time.

Thank you. I'm so grateful to be here.

Yeah, really looking forward to diving deep into, you know, this whole world of relationship and building relationships, and, and more importantly, the dating scene, especially here in Dubai. I've been working, as I explained to you, over a decade with women and men, and always, it's always a focal point, right, is to move into healthy relationships. Because if you don't have a good relationship with yourself or with others, I find it always to be a challenging starting point, right? So I want to start to get people to know you a little bit more, Monica. If you can just reintroduce yourself, how did you get into this work, your own journey, anything you're comfortable to share, just how you got into this space of having this mission and intention.

Yeah. So, it's the classic of pain and purpose, essentially. I had a series of 2 very unhealthy relationships, one after the other. And I had this moment of realization of, okay, the common denominator in these relationships is me. And it was just this moment of recognizing that I'm not the powerless victim of circumstance, which I believed for so much of my love life. And actually, I can take back a bit more of my power by it's not necessarily placing blame on myself, but taking back a bit of responsibility of, okay, maybe there's more going on beneath the surface than is, you know, I'm made to believe. So I went on my own very deep healing journey around all of this kind of stuff. And a, a big thing for me was about self-love.

Mm-hmm.

And, um, yeah, I recognized that for the majority of my life, I've essentially loved myself based on conditions. And so there was a lot of rewiring and reprogramming that had to happen there. And I think that's why I feel so passionate about the fact that You know, it's not to say we have to be completely healed when we get into a relationship, but I really do see that the healthier your relationship is with yourself, then the healthier your relationships that you'll attract into your life. And that's definitely what I saw with myself. And so that's why I feel really passionate about helping people to, to stop repeating these same destructive and unhealthy relationship patterns, because we have a lot more power to control those situations than we, you know, than we're made to believe. But You know, what happened on my own journey was I recognized how ill-informed we are about relationships and about, you know, the, the necessary healing work as well to do. Again, you don't have to be 100% healed before getting into relationship, but it can really help you to start that inner healing journey whilst you're single. So yeah, I wanted to just educate more people on this because I don't think we've been very healthily informed about those sorts of topics, um, in the past. And I think we're becoming a lot more awakened to these sorts of things, but I think we've still got quite a way to go.

I like that. I mean, it's, it's always powerful when you learn from your own journey, you know, take those pains, as you said, and transmute it into, uh, awakenings or realizations of what needs to be, uh, within us. Because yes, you're right. I mean, a lot of the times when I just— again, just reflecting on the beautiful feminine ladies I've worked with over the years, they always unconsciously going quickly to blame and point the fingers, right? They point the finger, he did this to me, I can't believe it, this, it was this, it was—

Yeah.

So there's— but there's an element where I believe as a woman and a man, like this is for male and female listeners and viewers, is that we all have to take some form of responsibility, right? You know, and I think, I think one thing, because you talk about patterns, I think I'd love from your perspective to share with our audience and our listeners, how do they know that they are, you know, in patterns or negative patterns when it comes to toxic relationships or patterns that keep repeating itself where they're not putting themselves first or they're not in the right relationship? What would you say is the common patterns that you've noticed, being it in your journey or in the, in the, in the, you know, the ladies or men that you work with?

Oh gosh, so many. But I think, I mean, a key thing that I think happens until you've done a little bit of healing work on yourself or introspection work on yourself is, um, we, we essentially go into relationships operating from a wounded place of our wounded inner child, essentially, of seeking for that person to, to fill these empty voids within us, whether that's lovability or whether that's validation or safety, all of these different things that we, we want that other person to fill these empty voids within us. But what that can then in turn end up happening is that you have these very like toxic relationship dynamics where it's, it's based on dependency or transaction or— and I see that happening a lot in society because it's become somewhat normalized. So I think those are some patterns that I definitely see happening a lot of, of codependency, um, of us romanticizing things that actually— like romanticizing, you know, obsession. Or, you know, for instance, with butterflies, sometimes that can be coming from a wounded place. The person that activates your nervous system that much, sometimes that can be because of past wounds rather than actually healthy love and healthy attraction. And, um, so honestly, there's so many different unhealthy patterns that, to be honest, I see. But it, it really comes down to us— well, the way that I describe it is allowing our past to pick our partners. And so that's our past wounds, our past conditioning, our past limiting beliefs, um, to then pick our present-day partners, which I believe creates the, the more toxic relationship dynamics.

100%. I mean, well said. I think you— it's a, it's, it's, it's like a fundamental model for me that in order for us to create something new, especially when it comes to healthy relationships, we have to let go of the past identity, the past attachments, the past, uh, conditioning that is creating the same pattern. Because we will keep attracting the same type of partner into our reality, like like you said, to fill the wounds or the void. Um, and we go, it's just a different name or a different, or a different face, but it's really the same qualities we keep attracting. What's interesting, what I find with my work, and I want to hear your take on it, is that I see the fundamental problem is coming and stemming from the relationship between the father figure in the life of a woman and, and the relationship she had with her father figure. So, and that usually is taken into what she is attracting into her life, being it toxic or being it whatever aspect. So would you say that in general— and this is a question to you— do you feel that if a, a girl, a young girl, inner child we spoke about, has a healthy relationship with her father, the chances are that she will attract better relationships in the future with, with, with her partner?

Um, I think her view of the masculine and of men will be healthier if she has a healthier relationship with her father. But I think in terms of unhealthy relationship dynamics, I think it comes from both parents. It can come from the father or the mother. Um, from what I see, it's essentially the parent figure that you received the least amount of love from that you, you typically unconsciously are seeking a partner who has similar traits to that person. And I mean, it's typically similar traits to, to both parents, the good and bad.

Yeah.

Um, and there's a few different reasons for that because, you know, we can often um, our association of what love was from childhood, we often want to replicate that in adulthood because for our nervous system, we'd rather seek what's familiar over, even if it's better for us, what's unfamiliar. And so it actually feels safer to go for sometimes a relational dynamic that's actually quite unsafe for us, but just because we've associated it with love from childhood and it's what our nervous system feels familiar with. But there's also some other theories around, um, you know, that our inner child essentially is seeking redemption. So if we, if we go for a partner who reminds us of especially the primary caregiver that gave us the least amount of love, or that we're still, you know, our inner child is still seeking love from, then if they have similar characteristics to that, that parent figure, then our inner child feels like, well, if I can redo the, the narrative in adulthood, then I'll finally feel lovable enough, and then I'll create this different ending, and then I'll feel lovable enough. When in reality That's, that's not how it typically, um, pans out. You have to re-parent yourself in that way and resource yourself with those things rather than seeking for somebody else to, to, to give you those things.

It's, it's very well said. I, I, I'm, I'm looking at, you know, from it, if you zoom out in general and when you work with people or when you hear stories, you, you, you question it and you go, well, why is she or he still in that toxic relationship. Like, you know, she will go and complain to her friends, he's doing this to me, he's doing that to me. And then the friends would say, well, just leave him.

Yeah.

Right? And like, what are you doing to yourself? And I'm sure you've had those experiences or you know of people who have those experiences, and there's something within them that is almost— and she's unable to leave that relationship. So would— in my world, I would see that as very simple terms of comfort zone. I would see that of a term of what is familiar, right? What we just spoke about. But, but, but in the essence of it, I also understand that there is pain that can come through a specific threshold where it requires that person to move on. But in your point of view, what do you feel is really the fundamental reason why a girl would stay in a toxic— a girl or a woman would stay in a toxic relationship even though she knows consciously that this is good for me, and all her family or friends are telling her leave, but she's unable to leave. What, what, what is that? A, why? And in your perspective, why? And B, what is needed for her to take that step to be able to break free from that? What would you say?

I think there's a few different factors at play. So one of them is, you know, a trauma bond can have been created, which essentially means that the person that, you know, your abuser that's causing you the harm, is also the person you've that, that provides you with the relief. And it's, you know, it's like with any addictive drug. With— I remember actually when I was, um, wanting to stop drinking alcohol, I was reading this book about it, and it gave this great analogy of it's like wearing a really tight shoe for the relief of taking it off. And so it's, it's like you, you, you're spending time with this abuser who's causing the harm, but they're also the only person that can really provide you with up with the relief that you're seeking. So it's this vicious cycle. And then— and, and that honestly, it's, it's, it's— yeah, it's, it's really difficult to see when you're in that what's happening until you get out. So that's the problem, is that, you know, consciously you can see that these, um, unhealthy relationship dynamics are happening, but when you're in it, you don't really understand what's actually at play at that time. Um, and then also I think especially if you're in an abusive or highly toxic relationship, a lot of the time your self-worth can be reduced to, to such a minimal level that you— and, and the abuser can often be telling you as well that, you know, this is the best you're gonna get, and, you know, you're never gonna find someone better than me, you're worthless, all of those kind of things. And the more you stay in that kind of environment, the more you believe it to be true. And so then you're in this environment where your self-worth is so low, so you don't have the strength to leave. And you, you— and they can also be quite manipulative in terms of the, um, you know, the, the ways that they create control as well. So it could be financial control, it could be your living situation, it could be, you know, in narcissistic abusive relationships, they'll often distance you from your family and your friends, and they'll create these unhealthy dynamics with those people because then you feel isolated and then you feel so alone that you don't really know how to get out of that type of situation. So there can be so many different things at play, but I think That's why I feel so passionately about women knowing their worth when it comes to dating, but also like in relationships as well. Because that, I think, is a really key factor in this, um, is, you know, the more you know your worth, the less you will tolerate even when you start to see those types of abusive behaviors coming through. Because that's the thing with abuse, is it doesn't start off with, you know, the extreme levels of abuse that we see on, you know, the news and things like that. It starts off in very micro steps. And, um, again, it can also be so, um, covert with it that it's, it's, it goes into your subconscious without you even necessarily realizing. And then before you know it, you've lost yourself in this relationship, and so you don't feel like yourself. And so then that's when it's much harder to, to have the strength to leave because you feel so disconnected from your own self-worth, you feel so disconnected from your own power. Um, and so that's why I think a lot of women will end up staying in those types of relationships, um, yeah, for too long essentially.

Very, very— okay, that's, that's very clear. And, and for me, I'm 100% aligned with everything you're saying. I mean, this is exactly the, the root cause of the problem right now. The question is, you know, at least in your world— I'm happy to share in my world because this will be a nice little bounce back— but in your world, how do you change that?

Uh, I like to do somatic, the deeper somatic work too. So the, the different techniques that I'll use is like parts work, so IFS, um, Internal Family System, Inner child work as well, I think, is really powerful for this kind of thing. Um, shadow work. Um, yeah, lots of different types of somatic therapy, essentially, to, to, to get into the body and recognize what's the, what's the deeper wound. Because a lot of the time when we're just cognitively working things out, we can work things out from the perspective of firstly our adult perspective, which is Yes, I understand that this is wrong, but I do not understand why I keep going back to it. Or cognitively, we can think of certain things, but really in reality, what is shaping our present-day reality is those subconscious beliefs. And that is like 95% of our thoughts, as opposed to the conscious thoughts that we are thinking is only 5%. And so, then we think that that is what is running the show. And really, 95% of it is the subconscious, which a lot of that comes down to childhood and things like that. So we have to kind of get into the subconscious beliefs, and I find going into the body is a good way to do that rather than sort of remaining within the mind. Um, but it's, it's deep work, and it's not something that necessarily just happens overnight. Um, and especially if you've experienced abuse, there's so much, um, rewiring that needs to, to happen and so much healing that needs to happen. But it is very much possible to do. And that's why I do the work that I do, is because I think it's one thing to learn about these things cognitively, but I think it really helps to have a coach to help sort of get into those deeper layers of the subconscious beliefs, doing more of the somatic work.

100%. 100%. Well said. And I think that is— I was curious to hear your answer. And for me, this is music to my ears. You know, you have to go You know, because I, I love, you know, I respect talk therapy. You know, I respect people looking at a different perspective, talking about it. But honestly speaking, and I say this with respect to, to therapists that just do the talk therapy, it's great to create awareness, but it doesn't get to the root cause.

Exactly.

Right? And for me, I'm all about the root cause. I'm like, okay, so we know that you're in this relationship because you've lost your confidence and your self-worth. Cool. So where along the line— that's how I do it, just so you know— where along the line time did that decision be made subconsciously? And we call that a limiting decision, a limiting belief, because it was a decision that was made subconsciously that I'm not worthy, therefore I can't leave this relationship, no one else would want me, and I wouldn't find other, other relationship, blah blah blah, whatever the story and the narrative. And that is rooted in the subconscious mind, which by the way, that's the body. The body is a subconscious mind.

Yeah.

So finding that at the root level and then rewiring it like you said, it. There are different modalities out there, of course, that get to that. As long as we're getting to that, that's the most important thing. However you get it doesn't really matter, in my opinion. It's like, are you getting there? And are you able to let the body feel safe again, to realize that you are worthy?

Yeah.

And when you realize you're worthy, you immediately have more self-respect.

Yes.

You eventually have more self-love.

Yeah.

And you immediately have a better confidence to say, no, I'm not taking this anymore.

Yes.

You know what I mean? And I need to show up in a way that love— that love— because the, the, the fact that you are in a toxic relationship, whether you're a man or a woman listening to this, it's not a judgment. It's just that you have disconnected with yourself in terms of the self-love. Because when you truly love yourself and you truly know you're worthy, you will never allow for that to happen again.

Yeah.

And you'll never allow for that to allow anyone to make you feel otherwise because you put yourself first, right? So, so understanding those fundamentals and getting to the Is medicine, right? And and I'm I'm grateful and I'm happy to hear Monica that you're one of the coaches out there that actually get to the root because I say this again with respect. A lot of people just talk and yeah, it's great and come on girl and you can do it and da da da. But like okay, but like how? Like I know it's right, otherwise I wouldn't be here talking to you. You know what I mean? So as long as you can, as long as you can guide, you know, with responsibility, guide people to go there. And yes, it's it's deep work and it's it's not always easy, but. it's doable, you know. And that's why I'm happy to let people know out there that are listening, you can change anything about your conditioning and the way you perceive yourself as long as you're willing to go there.

Yes.

You know, that's, that's how I've seen it. Does that resonate with you?

Totally. And I think sometimes the way that I like to describe this sort of thing to people to maybe help them understand is when it comes to like inner child work, for instance, that, that 5% of our conscious brain is our adult thinking. And so you might think, of course I don't want to be in an abusive relationship, But what might have happened in your childhood, for instance, um, I don't know, something— one of your parents might have made you feel that you were deeply unlovable. And so then what that— then what happened in your childhood is that that formed essentially like an emotional wound of yours, and then you formed a protective mechanism around that emotional wound based on your immature— and I don't say that in a negative way— but your immature interpretation of what was happening at that time. In your childhood, and then you're still operating from that place, from that like 95% of your subconscious beliefs. So even though consciously your adult self might think, of course I'm not going to seek abusive relationships, but that 95%, if you truly believe that you are deeply unlovable and therefore you deserve to be treated XYZ way because that's how you, you know, that's how you interpreted the situation when you were 7 years old when your mother or father wasn't kind to you in whatever way, shape, or form, And then you believed that to be true. So then you replicate that same dynamic in your adulthood, even though you're not consciously choosing that, but your subconscious is choosing that.

100%. Well said. I think that's the mirror, right? The mirror effect. So what we— what is inside of us and what the— what meaning we assign that experience. I call it the meaning-making process. So we assign a meaning. Mom did that to me, therefore I'm not worthy, I'm not lovable. And then that becomes, you know, mom does that a couple of times or dad does it a couple of times. times, then it gets segmented and it gets amplified. And if I want to go deeper in describing it, so you have the emotional charge of how it made you feel, then you have the meaning-making process which connects with it, which now you've created that narrative. Then it affects— I mean, from a neurological perspective, it affects how you perceive yourself and you perceive the world, right?

Yeah.

So now you're distorting reality by going, no, this is what I belong. This is who I am. This is what I'm bringing into my life. Because energetically, that, that energy is still in the body. So it's almost, you know, if we want to go deep into the quantum realm, this is the frequency that you're calling.

Yeah.

You're literally calling that. You're tuning into that reality, and you're going, this is the reality I'm tuning into. I don't want it, but it's there because it's still in my body, right? So, so I love how, you know, that, that comes into play. So really, just to recap on the conversation, I think the fundamental— and I want to, I want to ask you a few you think that is very, very important for healthy relationships today is that— would you agree that the most important thing is self-worth?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, really. That— yeah, self-worth.

Like, if we want to go— we want to go like home, like a home run, it's like self-worth, right? Because, because, because this is what I found in medicine with, with me. Like, always when it came to relationship, I'm like, I just need to go to self-worth. Because once I get her aligned or him aligned in self-worth, by himself, he's going to have better discernment.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So true.

Right. And he can filter better. Right. Would you, would you agree? So, so ultimately they all lead to that path ultimately. Right. So that's how I'm— so that, that makes sense in your world, right?

Yes. And I, I'd maybe even go a layer deeper potentially.

Let's go, let's go.

Of self-acceptance, unconditional self-acceptance. Because I think if you truly accept all parts of yourself, then of course you recognize that you're innately worthy. Of course you recognize that you're innately lovable. Um, so yeah, maybe that's—

I love it, I love it. I'm, I'm all in going a layer deeper. So, so, so yeah, that, that is cool. I think that is true because self-acceptance is a big one because you're not trying to be something you're not as well. You're more authentic and more comfortable with your decision.

Yes.

You know, not peer pressure of, oh, she's dating this type of guy, therefore I have to date this type of guy because he has this or that, whatever, whatever. Now, now, look, I've been out of the dating game for some time, so you're gonna be like educating me here. But tell me something about, um, the dating world today, right? So where do you feel in the dating world today the modern dating culture is getting, you know, that the, the wrong thing right now? What, what is the— what is, what is the main problem there today?

Well, honestly, I think modern date I kind of say that I think modern dating is, is optimized to keep us single. And I'm not saying that to create doom and gloom, but I think we just need to have that awareness that there is certain things that are in place that really I don't think are helping the culture of love and relationships. Um, and—

Is that the digital aspect you're referring to? What is that?

It's not so much about just, you know, so the dating, typical dating apps, um, porn, social media, these sorts of things. It's not even just so much about the technology, it's about what it's done to culture and how it's— how people perceive other humans and how people perceive relationships and what they should, um, you know, what they should be aspiring for within relationships. And I think it's really had a very detrimental effect on relationships, on, you know, modern dating.

Um, how do you fix that?

I think Firstly, the awareness piece and not getting super sucked into all of these things. Because for instance, like the dating apps really creates, um, you know, the paradox of choice, for instance. And just recognizing that, you know, your instinct now might be that the grass is always going to be greener on the other side. But maybe again, helping to rewire yourself that, um, you know, actually what's— what should you be prioritizing? Is it long-term legacy or is it that short-term hedonism, or, you know, the, the fake dopamine hit that you get every time that someone swipes, or every time that you— I think it's just rewiring what you— what, um, gives you satisfaction, essentially. Um, because we're very, uh, programmed and indoctrinated in today's society that we should be seeking, you know, the newer, shinier, perkier, whatever person. And also, we've, we've sort Dating nowadays is almost viewed like an Amazon delivery service. You just think, okay, swipe left, swipe right, and I can get something easier tomorrow. So I'll go for that.

So they don't give it real attention and energy.

Yeah, they don't put the time in. And so again, having that awareness of, okay, my instinct is to want to just retreat and move on to the next one. But actually there is something here. And even in terms of what you're looking for when it comes to dating, social media very much encourage and dating apps very much encourage to prioritize the superficial surface-level traits over the traits that are actually going to create compatibility. And so again, having that awareness and, um, you know, okay, so the person— you might not have that initial, oh my gosh, I'm so obsessed with how this person looks, but if they have attributes about them that actually you think could deepen the attraction between you, like their character traits, like their passions, like their values, their morals, those are the things.

Isn't that hard though? Because if your if your main entry point is an image on the screen, I mean if you are dating that I mean you know like what one of it's it's it's a paradox right because I have two good friends of mine whom who are happily married today that both met their their misses through through the apps and this was a couple of years ago right but at the same time I have also some male friends that have lost the I don't know how to place to say this in a in a healthy way, but they've lost the, the appreciation for the feminine woman because they feel like there's so many fish in the sea, I'm just gonna, you know, swipe up and then I'm gonna go there. And if I, you know, if I don't get what I want, or if I, if I, if I feel something's off at the back of their head, it's not their, not their fault, but they have this, I could always just go and get another date tomorrow.

Exactly.

You know, so they— so in my opinion, I think that might play both women and men. I don't want to just judge men on this, but I think it can— a woman can also fall into that trap. Well, if he doesn't do this or this or this, or doesn't pay the bill, or doesn't do this, this, then I'm just gonna go on another date tomorrow. So what it became superficial, and there's no intention, and there's no real presence in that interaction.

Yes.

Because there's almost this little voice in the head going, it's okay if it doesn't work out. But if you were playing it in a different theme, it was like, I really want to give this its all attention today. I really want to sit with this person, engage with them, connect with them, and see what comes out of it.

Yes.

I think, I think so. So what I would say to, to add to what you're saying, I think what's important today when it comes to dating is having real honest intention to not have expectation, because that's, that's a problem. Expect too much expectation, in my opinion, creates a disappointment, right? So more like, hey, I just really want to get to know you. I really want to just to get to know what you're about. And what you're interested in, like you said, your values, what you stand for, and just see if there's a connection aside from how pretty you look. Or or I do think physical is important. Of course, you need to have some form of you know attraction. But ultimately, if you can get into that realm of the intention, I think that's that's missing today.

Yeah.

This is why I love communities that we're part of because I feel in those type of conscious communities, you actually have a better and higher chance. of meeting a guy or a girl that you can actually have a real conversation outside of the app world.

100%.

And I think that's needed more. Do you agree?

100%. So yeah, I mean, firstly, I'm not disputing the fact that people have formed amazing relationships through the app. So it's not so much about that, it's just looking at what that's done to culture on a wider scale.

Yes, yes, yes.

And, um, unlike with social media, for instance, I totally agree that for women as well, the superficial might not be in the same way as men, But they might see, you know, someone else's boyfriend bought them this, you know, a room full of roses. Yeah. Why did my boyfriend not bring me that? Okay, I deserve better. I'm going to move on. I'll go on to the next person. And so this is what I mean by like the culture comparison.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's all an illusion anyway.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because they could have had a fight and that's why he did that.

Or it could just be on show and then he said, exactly, social media is not real by any means. Exactly.

Um, but so yeah, when it comes to dating, that's one of the things I encourage with— I'm not going to say don't go on the apps if you want to.

Yes.

But I also just, I personally don't encourage it because I think there's— you could be using that same energy. Say if you're spending 20 minutes each evening scrolling on the app, then you could be using those 3 hours one time at the weekend. And I actually think you will find you might get more quantity on the apps, but I, I think you'll find much more quality, not in terms of the person but in terms of compatibility, if you actively, proactively go out and meet people in real life. Because so much of the time, people, you know, they'll stay at home scrolling, but they make no effort to meet new people in real life.

Yes, it's disconnected them. Yeah.

And so I think that's one of the things that, you know, I'm talking about modern dating. I think we've, we've, um, we're prioritizing screen connection essentially over actual in-real-life connection. And I do think people are very fatigued by that nowadays. I do think we are moving more towards in real life human connection. Um, but I still feel like, um, you know, people might think that they're getting their human connection fix by going on a screen. And in reality, I think we really need to have the awareness of nothing is going to be able to replace in real life energy to energy.

100%.

And you could— and the thing about the apps as well is that you could really be canceling out so many incredible people for you because of one attribute on—

Or an image that doesn't look nice.

Yeah, exactly.

Or, or, or, yeah, 100%. And I think that's why I think energetically, you know, energy doesn't lie. I think putting yourself out there, it's also important how a person makes you feel.

Yes.

And how you feel and your nervous system around that person. Because it might look all fancy here, but once you sit with that person, like, oh my God, what am I doing here, right?

Exactly.

Which happens a lot. I've heard stories like, it looked all amazing on the, on the screen, but the moment I sat there and they spoke, I was like, oh, do you know what I mean? Or, or they— or she said this, or he said that, and you're like, what am I— So, so I think, I think what you rightfully said is moving away and being more energetically out there in your physical body and you're, and you put, and you, and you're showing up. And, and, and it's a very dangerous slippery slope because the more you get comfortable with the dating app and then the less you do that, and then the, the more surprises you have here as well. Because everyone can also put a facade in the first date.

Yeah.

And then the next thing is like, oh, it was this and that. But then you need to spend more time out there. You need to get that, cultivate that intuitive— I tell this to my female clients. I'm like, I need your intuition. I need your sixth sense alive. I need you to walk into a room and feel in your body if this person in front of you is going to make you safe just by just being present with them and tuning in rather than he said everything right, he did everything right, but then there's a surprise waiting for you. You know what I mean? So, so, so that's where discernment comes in. But discernment is not going to come in if you're staying on your couch swiping.

Yeah.

It's an actual cultivation of a skill that you need to put yourself out there and keep engaging and interacting with and then entrusting your intuition, because it's a— it's something you need to cultivate intuitively, literally, right? So, so I think that is a missing element. Now I want to, I want to jump into, into this beautiful book, you know, The Queen Treatment. I love it. I love it. 11 Steps to Date Like a Queen and Attract Your King. I like the words you're using, the queen and king. I'm a big fan of linguistics, right? So, so tell me what, what drove you to, to, to, uh, write this book, and, uh, what can people expect if they read it today? Like, what is this? Is it like a guide? Is it, is it going to help them? You know, how did this journey start? I'm always curious, like, what made you— was it just an epiphany, like, oh, I want to write a book? Um, what, what called you to do this?

Yeah, so it's interesting actually. This book started as my own journal prompts because, um, when I had the realization about that, you know, I'm the common denominator in these situations, I basically just started to study relationship books, not just read them. I really— so I started writing down the notes so that I could really take it in myself and really understand the messages. So I had all these notes, and then, um, I actually just had this, this message to say, write the book. And at this time, I wasn't doing dating and relationship coaching. I was really passionate about the topic, but it— I was working for somebody else at the time. So I just started to write it, again, not even with any specific intention in mind behind it. Um, I— it was kind of for my own therapeutic reasons as well.

Yeah.

And, um, yeah, I knew that before I finished the book that I would be in partnership, and I just knew that. And so it was kind of like all the lessons I was like embodying myself in the process. And, um, yeah, and anyway, I did end up like in a partnership, um, before I finished writing the book, so it did end up happening. And there was a lot of just amazing lessons that I learned for myself along that journey, so I kind of kind of— it started off as a book that I wrote for myself.

Okay.

And then, um, yeah, then when I finished it, I was like, this book has to be out for other women to read. And actually, it's interesting because a lot of men have read the book and said that they also found it really eye-opening as well.

Nice.

Which wasn't necessarily my intention, but I love to hear it. And, um, so yeah, so it was a book that really helped me. And, um, and yeah, I feel, I feel very passionate about it because I think it's not your typical dating book. It's actually very much, um, I guess it's kind of like a— I know it's a bit clichéd to say this, but kind of like a female empowerment, um, book as well. Because really the majority of it is to do with your own internal world. So healing those past wounds so that again your past isn't picking your partner, um, you know, your self-worth, self-love, all of those sorts of things. Um, so yeah. So, that's how the book kind of came about. And then, in terms of the title with it being Queen Treatment, it comes down to the premise of a few things. So, one of them about essentially that the way you treat yourself teaches other people how to treat you as well.

Yes.

So, again, it goes back to the relationship that you have with yourself will directly reflect in the type of relationships that you attract into your life. But also, part of the reason why I cross out the princess treatment and change it to queen treatment is because I think as women we're very conditioned, um, and, you know, maybe some people might call me a conspiracy theorist for this, but I do think we're very indoctrinated from a very young age as women through things like the Disney and, you know, fairy tales in general. And, um, I think this whole concept of princess treatment is actually very disempowering for women. And even if we look at, you know, the fairy tales and things like that, it's like that the princess was locked up in a tower waiting for this love outside of herself to come and save her.

Mm-hmm.

And I think we've— a lot of us have adopted that narrative in our, in our dating lives as well, that, you know, once a man chooses us, then we'll be enough, then we'll be saved, then we'll be successful as a woman. Um, and I really want to debunk that and, um, just help women recognize that you're whole with or without a partner. And that's not to say I'm not one of those women that's like, oh, we don't need no man. No, I think there's obviously so much beauty to partnership. But I think it's much healthier when it's 2 whole human beings coming together and saying, I don't need you, but I want to share this beautiful life with you. It's a very different energy. Whereas the princess energy is very much, oh, I need someone to come and save me. And so that's what creates the very toxic relationship dynamics because it creates codependency and all of that sort of stuff. So yeah, that's where—

I love it. I love it. Thank you for explaining that. And our listeners will have a link in the description to be able to place their order wherever you are in the world. This can be shipped, correct?

Yeah.

And yeah, I love it because, you know, Monica's doing things with intention and authenticity. And like I said, I know Monica through our group of a tribe here in Dubai who are all beautiful souls that are really moving with intention, and so is Monica. So Monica, thank you so much for, you know, being here today. Thank you for sharing with our beautiful listeners, both our feminine side and male as well. I know I have quite a male audience as well, but this is good because if you're out there looking to date, you need to learn how to treat a woman as well, which I think is important. Um, because again, we, we, a lot of people don't have good references or good role models, uh, especially with— again, it's not a conspiracy, but what we're being fed in Hollywood today, there is always some form of toxic toxic masculinity of how they treat the woman. Or as you said, the woman is waiting for something outside of her to feel worthy or to feel good enough or to feel, once I get the diamond, once I get the— then I'm— so I agree with you. I think that the message that we should deliver to everyone is that you don't need anyone outside of you. You have everything that you need within you.

Yeah.

And everything out— anything that comes in terms of a relationship, at least this is how I like to model in my world, is considered a bonus. It's considered something that will add to my beautiful journey called life, you know. But ultimately, we're not waiting for something to complete us. We all have within us what we need. I want to, I want to wrap up by asking you if you have a final message to share with our audience, especially our females, of, you know, what is the sort of a best practice, or where can they start to to have, you know, to start this journey of finding a true conscious partner that is, you know, gonna, gonna put them in a healthy, healthy manner? Any, any final words in that perspective?

I think actually what you just said so beautifully of, you know, all of those things that we're seeking for somebody else to give to us in relationship, we can self-source. And actually that creates a much healthier relationship dynamic. So rather than if you're in a period of your life where you're single right now, rather than feeling like you have to wait for somebody else to make you feel lovable enough, to make you feel worthy, to even make you feel desired— that's something that I even speak about— is you can source yourself with all of those beautiful things, and then it will create a healthier relationship dynamic because you're whole and enough with or without a partner. So if you're waiting for this, this magical person to finally come into your life and save you and make you feel enough, Mm-hmm. you're really Um, you're doing yourself a disservice. So, um, yeah, find those things from within and then you will attract much healthier partners.

I love it. I love it, Monica. Thank you so much. And I think I'll wrap up with, with saying, I think the way I sum it with, with my beautiful tribe and my, my lovely feminines, I say I want you to show up in the world with this energy that is with or without you energy. It's like with or without you, I'm full of love. With or without you, I'm sexy. With or without you, I'm I'm beautiful. And I think when you operate from that energetically, you also attract.

Yes.

You're a magnet. You attract that, you know, because the waiting is separation. Waiting for my prince, waiting for this, waiting for that. So that is a lack in the nervous system. But when you move through life with or without your energy, I mean, you're magnetic. You literally, you don't even know. Like, then it's like, oh wait, hang on guys, hang on girls, you know what I mean? I, I know I can serve now, you know what I mean? So that's my message to you, my beautiful tribe. Monica, thank you again for being on the show. It's really a pleasure. I love your energy. And tribe, thank you so much for tuning in. Much love and positive energy. Thank you.