In this YouTube video, dating coach Sami Wunder explains four specific text messages that she says instantly diminish attraction in early dating, even when sent by self‑aware, emotionally intelligent women. She frames the problem through the lens of masculine‑feminine polarity: early‑stage connections thrive when the man feels he must move toward the woman, and any text that shifts the dynamic toward the woman chasing or over‑accommodating erodes that polarity. The first harmful text is the “soft check‑in” (e.g., “Hey, how are you? I’ve been thinking about you”), which signals that the woman is waiting, feels anxious, and is trying to fill a gap, prompting the man to feel he is now the pursuer. The second is the “emotionally self‑aware, over‑processing” text (e.g., expressing confusion about a recent interaction), which is appropriate in mature relationships but in early dating makes the conversation feel heavy and kills the light, playful energy men are looking for. The third is the “easygoing availability” text (e.g., “I’m flexible, just let me know”), which removes any challenge for the man and signals low value. Finally, she adds a bonus micro‑text – “no worries if you’re busy” – which dismisses the woman’s own standards and further reduces perceived value. Throughout, Sami emphasizes that women should preserve their own standards, keep their schedules busy, and let men demonstrate interest through consistent action, rather than trying to manage the connection with these texts. The video ends with a call to action for likes, comments, and subscription.
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If a man was interested in you and then suddenly you felt the shift in the energy, unfortunately, it's not always random. There is definitely something that is happening in the context that is shifting the dynamic between the two of you. Now, usually these 3 texts are what I find my clients send, and they tend to kill attraction pretty quickly. And the funny thing and the sad thing about these texts is that they're actually not desperate texts or needy texts. They are being sent by very smart women, sometimes women who are very self-aware, have done the inner work, and yet they shift the dynamic from him leading the connection to you leaning into the connection and starting to chase the connection and make the connection go forward. So what are these 3 texts? Let's dive in. Text number 1 that I will recommend every Elevate client never to send a man Literally never, is the soft check-in. So what is the soft check-in and why is it harmful to your connection and to the polarity and to the masculine-feminine dynamics between you and a man? So the soft check-in is literally just reaching out with a soft, hey, how are you? I've been thinking about you. Now, why is this text a bad idea and why do smart women still send it? So this text is a bad idea because on the surface, you're showing You know, I'm just thinking about you. I'm being this calm, self-regulated woman, the cool girl. But actually, what your deeper emotional pattern is revealing is that you've actually not heard from him and you've probably missed him. You've been waiting for him to reach out. He hasn't done that. And so now something inside is feeling nervous and anxious and jumpy. And so how do you cope with that nervousness? How do you cope with that anxiety? You send the Soft check-in. And the incredible thing about masculine empowered men is that they are always responding to your energy. So your words might feel relaxed and soft on the surface, but what he's really experiencing is, interesting, you know, I thought I was the one chasing her, I was the one leaning into this connection, and now she is in my inbox and she is carrying this Now, of course, this is not meant for established relationships. I am talking about early dating interactions where emotional connection and emotional bonding is still forming and hasn't fully formed. Hopefully not for you, but definitely it hasn't happened for the guy. So now this brings me to the next text that kills attraction and that I tell my clients not to send men. And oh my goodness, this is so big. And trust me, everything I'm going to say now, it comes from personal experience because I was that woman myself. So text number 2 that kills attraction is the emotionally self-aware, over-processing text. Now, what is this text? This text usually looks like saying something like, hey, I have felt like something has shifted in our energy. I really care about our connection and I want to be honest. I have felt confused about our last interaction. So why is this text a bad idea? Now, this text is a very bad idea simply because this is usually making the connection more serious and more heavy than it is for the man. And while in a friendship scenario or when I'm coaching my clients, dealing with relational dynamics with long-term partners or family members or girlfriends or even colleagues that are a bit difficult and where you can feel like the energy is not the same like it used to be, this would actually be a wonderful text to send because it shows how emotionally aware you are. But when you send this text to a man, you are instantly killing polarity, especially if you've just seen this person for like 4 dates or 6 dates. So in ELEVATE, we say this is still pretty early on. It's not even mid-level dating. It's More like early dating, right? And the reason why very smart women are still susceptible to sending this text is precisely because they're so smart. Like, you need to be highly self-aware and you need to be highly emotionally regulated to feel the shift in the energy, to communicate about the shift in energy, and to actually be able to articulate it so well. So this is not about making you feel like you're too much or too intense or like you have to put up with the nonsense that men give you. None of this is that. I think the message here is that you really have to see the timing of such a text. And usually, in my experience, in early dating, we just have to take connections at face value. That's what I would tell my clients. It's more black and white. Either a man is interested and he's moving towards you and he cares about the connection to iron out any differences, and he still calls you, still texts you, doesn't leave big gaps. Because for me, To me, if a woman is starting to feel this kind of incongruence in how a man is showing up versus, you know, what she's feeling, and she's feeling all of these feelings in early dating, so much so that she has to find a way to communicate them, something is off in that connection. And you are so much better off actually not communicating versus trying hard to communicate in early dating about your feelings and what's shifted, etc., etc. In early dating, what you really want to see is the presence of polarity. In early dating, what you really want to see is that a man is moving towards you with action and consistency. And if that is missing, then sending these long emotional texts only weakens attraction, only weakens whatever pull there might still be. And we don't want to do that. We just want to leave it easy and we want to see what the guy does instead of sending these texts. Now, the 3rd text that is going to kill polarity, kill attraction is actually a very innocent text that, again, a lot of smart women send. And this is the easygoing availability text. And I know, I know, we're going to get back into this whole debate around, I don't want to play games. If my week is free, I just want to be able to say that. Girl, listen, your week may be free, but you don't want to offer endless availability to a stranger or to a man you're just getting to know. And so it is still in your best interest to not look overavailable and to not look like you're going to keep all your plans free till this man can conveniently find a time to see you. So even if your week is free, I would rather you go for a spa with your girlfriends and book that time and get a facial and book that time and study the Elevate content and do your inner work and book that time and then give a guy very specific windows of when you are available, when you can make it, and how you cannot make it rest of the time. So the easy availability text would simply look like something like, I'm flexible, just let me know. Okay. And it's a bad idea. Because the man doesn't really have anything to rise up to. You've just made his life so easy. And so many times when a woman is so easy, so flexible, it's interesting because she's just thinking she's easygoing, right? And she's just being friendly, being kind, not making a man's life hard, not being too high maintenance, not being difficult, not being demanding. But what if I told you masculine men actually look forward to rise up for women? And if you make life too easy, and there's never a challenge, and there's never a boundary, it's actually pretty boring because that's the quality of the low-hanging fruit. It's not the quality of the high-hanging fruit. And I am all for women being authentic, women loving themselves, women respecting themselves. And at the same time, I feel like If you are a high-value woman and you have a busy and amazing life, why would you tell a stranger that he can see you anytime because you're completely flexible? Now, that usually, in my experience, comes from a place of really wanting to see that man and really thinking that if you just made his life easy, he's going to step up to the plate. So sometimes it's also about the subconscious pattern within us when we like somebody that we make these extra concessions. And you might not even be aware of that. You might not even be I'm aware that you really like this man, and that's why you're talking to him like this. But it is in your best interest to not send these easygoing, over-availability texts. And one bonus micro-text. And I know I said 3 texts, but here's a gift text for you that you don't want to send men. And this one is, no worries if you're busy. Oh my goodness, ladies, divas, Sami Wunder divas, we don't say that. We don't say that. We don't say that to men. And the whole foundation of this is valuing yourself, valuing your time, not being dismissive of the amazing life and calendar you have, right? Saying things like, no worries, is completely dismissing your needs. It's completely dismissing your standards. It's completely dismissing that you are a woman, who is open, lovely, soft, welcoming in her Feminine Energy. But you do have requirements and standards. And the minute you say, no worries if you're busy, you completely dismiss your own needs and standards. And Masculine men are paying attention to those cues. So this is not about playing games. This is actually just understanding the emotional impact and the impact that your language and that your words have on men, and therefore, as a consequence, also on the attraction and polarity. A man feels for you. So I want to finish this video by saying, first and foremost, if you enjoyed it, give me a like, send me some love, subscribe to my channel, and let's have an honest conversation. What do you think about these 3 texts? Have you sent them to a guy? And I'm going to raise my hand and say, I have been that super lovely, super accommodating, super understanding good girl myself, and I have sent these texts multiple times. Okay, this was like 14 years ago when I was a single woman and doing this work on myself. But ladies, I learned it the hard way. You don't have to learn it the hard way because Sami Wunder is on your side. So let's chat in the comments below. I love hearing from all of you, and I'll see you soon on the next video. I love you. You're amazing, and you deserve an amazing man who moves the connection forward for you. I don't want you to do the heavy lifting. Let the guys do the heavy lifting. Okay, I'll see you soon. Bye. Bye.
