Chasing a man pushes him away, do THIS instead

Today, let's talk about why you chase men. And no, I don't agree that it's always about having low self-worth and low self-esteem. In fact, in my decade-long experience as a dating and relationship expert, I have encountered and worked with thousands of clients who have great self-worth, great self-love, and yet they will still find themselves chasing a man. So what's happening in this scenario and how can you heal it? Let's talk about that. If you are a revisiting watcher, welcome back! Hi, Sami! Welcome back! Love having you here. And if you're new to my channel, make sure to hit the subscribe button. This is dating and relationship coach Sami Wunder, and I help ambitious, powerful women to embody their feminine energy and attract a healthy, empowered masculine man. And I'm very good at what I do, as my client results and success stories— thousands of them— will show you. So why are you chasing men? Now, what I have found, speaking specifically to the high-achieving woman, the powerful woman, it's hard for a woman like you to come by a man who is a vibrational match for who you are. It's not that every day you find on Tinder and Bumble and Match, you know, the kind of man who has the same caliber that you bring to the table. And so what happens is that when you find somebody who is a match, a man who is meeting all your checklist and checkboxes, you subconsciously tend to pedestal him. You subconsciously rate him as being above you, that he offers things that you can't have without him. And so you start to pedestal the connection. And of course, when you pedestal a man and you pedestal a connection, you place him above you. So the only thing the man can do when he stands on the pedestal is look down upon you. And of course, pedestaling a man and then pursuing him is never going to work, because any healthy masculine man wants to feel like he won his wife, he worked hard for the best lottery of his life. But if you are putting him up on the pedestal, he doesn't feel that way about you. He feels like he could have better than you. And so in my work, I tell my clients that as a woman, especially as a Feminine Energy embodied woman, you are the prize in love. And while we could totally have a relationship where nobody's standing on the pedestal, which is a neutral relationship, a relationship where you want hot sex, romance, and to be pursued by the man you like, you honestly have to learn to put yourself up on that pedestal. And that is when you activate a healthy masculine man's fighting instinct for you, desire for you, his pursuit instinct for you. And so stop pedestaling men, because if you keep pedestaling men, even if the kind of man you want is rare to come by, you will push him away. Now, the second reason why women find themselves chasing men, or you could be chasing a man, is because of your energy of scarcity around men. Now, let's face it, a lot of my clients are achievers, and they find it hard to meet the guys that they actually feel attraction towards— high-value men. And so if you're not getting many matches online, we can help you fix that, by the way, in ELEVATE. We help you make your killer dating profile and killer pictures and really master the app so you get good matches. But let's just say a lot of the high-achieving women are carrying this energy of scarcity around— there is not enough Good male bachelors out there, right? And when we have this energy of scarcity, of course, we get really anxious about that one great connection we have with a man. And if we don't hear from him, or his texts die down, or he disappears, or he doesn't call, then of course, we want to do anything to save that connection. And so your instinct will be to call him, to text him. And before you know, the dynamics of the pursuit have turned around, and now you are the one calling, texting, chasing, versus him doing the work to win you. And of course, this also requires the ability— when you shift from scarcity-based mindset to abundance-based mindset, you must always train your ability to walk away from a man who's not pursuing you. So often what happens is, when we live in scarcity, we are feeling the fear that, if I don't pursue, or if I don't call, if I don't text, he will not pursue me, and this connection will be lost. And this can cause that anxiety to hold on. Whereas, if you put put yourself on the pedestal and you see yourself as the prize, and then you tap into the energy of abundance, like, there are so many good options out there, and I'm such an amazing woman, and of course, if not this man, then another better man— it's what we teach inside ELEVATE— then you will see that you will cultivate this ability to walk away versus pursuing the guy and starting to chase him. Now, the 3rd reason why you could be chasing men is because you have disempowered beliefs around masculine men. You see, a lot of us who grew in households where there were no healthy role models of what masculine energy men look like, we have learned to just do, rescue, save, and help, because we didn't have anybody rescuing, saving, helping us. And as little girls, we took on that role. And so what happens is, if you don't have healthy role models, you don't know that healthy, empowered, masculine men don't need your help in pursuing you. They don't need your help in choosing you. And so you always worry about, have I shown my interest enough? Have I expressed to him enough that I like him? Maybe he just wants to hear from me. Maybe he just wants to also feel my desire for him. That is what's going to make him come for me. And I think this is just a misunderstanding of how empowered masculine men work. Because if you are truly dating or in a relationship with an empowered masculine man, he doesn't need your help to choose you. He doesn't need your help at all. In fact, I have a little fun story from my own dating experience with my husband. Many of you may not know this, especially if you're new to my channel, but when I was dating Chris, and, you know, we've been happily We've been happily married for 11 years now. I actually refused to go out with him when he asked me the first time, and after 6 months or so, he asked me out again. And that is such a big proof of masculine men going for what they want. My husband is very empowered masculine. He really can carry so much responsibility. He can really go for what he wants. And never in the dating process was I leading the timeline or pursuing him. He was always coming after me, planning the best dates, even buying me jewelry. Giving me flowers and taking me on trips. I think so often we chase men because we don't understand that an empowered masculine man doesn't need our help to choose us. In fact, if we find ourselves questioning if a man is into us or not, he's not into us, because my husband, not for a minute, let me doubt his intention towards me. Or he was so present with his love, his affection, and his actions that I never had to feel that emptiness of, should I chase him? Should I pursue him? Because he's not here. He was always there. Shift your beliefs about empowered masculine men. And you're an empowered woman yourself. So ask yourself, like, do you need help to pursue somebody? No, you don't. It's so instinctive when you like a man, your masculine gets activated and you want to go for him. It's the same for men. And in this dynamic, we don't want you to pursue because we want you to embody your feminine. And we want you to trust that if he really wants you, it's really easy for him to pursue you. He doesn't need your help. And if he's not contacting you, if he's not texting you, you're not not on top of his mind for whatever reason, and you still don't want to dive in and pursue this guy because abundance. There are so many other choices in good men that will be happy and willing to pursue you. I want to pause this video for just a second and invite you to my Love on Your Terms: The Art of Setting Boundaries for Greater Intimacy with Men Masterclass. Now, this is a live masterclass I'm teaching. Inside it, I am showing you how you can be an authentic Feminine Energy woman, while still speaking your truth and drawing your boundaries to men, and how the right man will actually be more attracted to you because of this. Now, if you've missed the live session, no problem. Just click the link in the video description below, and we will send you the replay. But make sure you sign up. This is absolutely incredible. And at the end of this masterclass, I'm also inviting you to join ELEVATE, which is my 6-month-long group coaching program, where my team and I help you attract an empowered masculine man in record time, Or upgrade your relationship or marriage to the next level of intimacy. The next reason why you could be chasing a man is because you have a hard time connecting with your emotions and regulating your emotions. So what happens is, when you like a man, and especially if you have pedestaled the connection, especially if you feel a sense of scarcity around not being able to get that kind of connection again with anybody else, what starts to happen is, if he withdraws or if he is going silent on you, or if he's not communicating the way you'd like him to communicate, what happens is all your feelings start to come up. And these are not easy emotions to deal with, right? These are emotions of abandonment. These are emotions of rejection. Am I not good enough? These are emotions of not feeling special. These are emotions of sheer disappointment and despair. Where is he? What's happening? And if you have a hard time regulating these emotions, you're gonna try to fix them, instead of feel them and sit with them and love yourself through them and face these difficult feelings and be there for yourself. You're gonna try to fix them by pursuing the guy, because in that moment, you want to do anything to get rid of the anxiety you're feeling. And usually, that translates into masculine energy of, let me just send that text and let him know I'm thinking of him. Let me just send that text and let him know I am available on X and Y day. Or let me just send him a text and say, where is he? Why haven't I heard from him? And usually what I've found— and I speak from a decade-long experience, so you can trust in my word when I say this— this is like a little bit of a drug addiction going on, where we feel all these intense emotions for the man we like, and then we try to get rid of those negative emotions by going into our masculine. And usually that looks like pursuing the guy, which further pushes the guy you want away. So in these scenarios, inside ELEVATE, we teach our clients— there's an entire module on how to do the inner work, take care of yourself, take care of your feelings, sit with your feelings, feeling your sadness, feeling your disappointment, but not letting that get you into your Masculine and pursuing the man, because it misses the point. It also reduces your confidence in your own self-worth. So often we think that, let me send that text, let me do that phone call. But the truth is, every Every time you do that, every time you pursue and chase men, you feel slightly worse about yourself. And that is not good for your self-esteem. Which brings me to the next point, which is, yes, sometimes we do chase men because we have low self-worth, or because we don't believe we're good enough, or because we don't believe that we have anything within us that a man will come for. And yet, what I have found again and again is, when you chase a man, you could even end up getting a boyfriend who is half committed to you. But if you truly want a husband, my dear Divas, you have to breathe, and you have to go back inside your Feminine Energy, embody your Feminine, and not get into your Masculine. And then you really have to do the work of self-love, which is also Module 2 of my Love Success Framework inside ELEVATE, where I show women that in the dating process, inside relationships, men are going to trigger us. They are going to trigger our feelings of rejection, abandonment, not good enough. And yet it is our job, it is your job to heal that It is your job to recognize that part of you, and it is your job to heal that part within yourself. And when you can do that, you truly become invincible in dating, and you slow down, you embody your Feminine, and you attract a husband-type of man, not just a man who wants to sleep with you or just offer you exclusivity because he gets to have sex with you that way. Now finally, what I want to say is that if you you keep finding yourself in the loop of chasing men repeatedly, you could be coming from a place of unmet needs. Sometimes I find that my clients have these unmet needs. They've never been in a long-term relationship, or they've never been taken to a magical musical show by a man, or they've never been given flowers by a man. And so they have these unmet needs within themselves that they are trying to live through these men when they chase these You know, maybe this is going to be my person. Maybe this is going to be the man who will finally take me to see the Moulin Rouge, or maybe this is going to be the man with whom I finally travel the world. And so often, when we have these unmet needs, my invitation to my Elevate clients is always, go back within yourself, do the inner work, and ask yourself, how can I meet my own needs? Because every time we come at dating or in a relationship from this unmet need, unmet needs place, we are going to pedestal the guy, think that he is the source of meeting our needs, and then we are going to get in the chasing and pursuing trap. Whereas if you can start using your own masculine energy to meet your own needs as much as you can, then you can show up in dating or within your relationship from a more objective and met space, where you're meeting this person from a whole and happy space. It's going to be really nice if the connection with him works out, but if it doesn't, it's not like he holds the key to your joy, or to your happiness, or to some silent need that is within you that you have not met yourself. And so this is all about doing the inner work. This is all about practicing the Love Success Framework, which is my 6-step framework to help you attract a healthy, empowered man, and also to help you heal the dynamics in your relationship. So if you enjoyed this video, if you had aha moments, I would love to receive your love with a like on the video. Leave me a comment. I love hearing from you. And more than anything, make sure you book a 15-minute diagnostic call with a love specialist from my team so we can assess if ELEVATE is right for you or not. We are accepting new clients right now, and we're really good at what we do. We would love to help you ace your love life goals and smash them with confidence and softness and feminine energy embodied love. Thanks for joining me. I'll see you in the next video.