Dating Rules That Worked in Your 20s But Are Ruining Your 30s Dating Life!

What if I told you that the rules you followed in dating when you were in your 20s are actually the reason today that you are stuck in dating in your 30s? Let's get started. This is dating and relationship coach Sami Wunder, and I specialize in helping high-achieving, smart, strong, successful women find and keep amazing romantic love. So rule number 1 that worked in your 20s but is not working anymore in your 30s is prioritizing physical attraction Over compatibility. In other words, when you are young, of course you want to try all the items on the menu. Of course you want to have fun. You want to feel the butterflies. But this is not going to help you attract a serious partner in your 30s, 40s, and 50s. In other words, if you are still using physical attraction as the primary way and the most important way you want to choose a partner for the long term, you are going to be suffering. because of it. The truth is that so many men that you might feel physical attraction for could be absolutely horrible partners for the long term. But a woman who constantly prioritizes physical connection over compatibility will keep ending up with the same kind of results and the same kind of men in dating and getting her heart broken inside exclusive partnerships. So this worked in your 20s, but it's not a good idea to keep following this way of choosing men. In your more mature years. I am working with a client in Elevate right now, for example, who meets lots of good men, but nobody seems to give her the spark. And these are interesting men. They're accomplished men. They're treating her well. And when I asked her to open up a bit, she said to me that, I am missing the spark. I am looking to feel the same level of excitement and crazy connection that I felt for my boyfriend from university. And I said to her, that boyfriend from university that you felt so much attraction for was also somebody who was emotionally unavailable, whom you had toxic fights with. And therefore, that man cannot be the benchmark for a successful relationship because by definition, he had physical attraction, but he lacked the components of a long-term partnership. And that cannot be your parameter of success inside a relationship. Now, today, this client is very happily in a committed, exclusive partnership where her boyfriend treats her like a queen. And the big shift she made from my coaching was, don't just look for physical attraction, also look for long-term compatibility. Now, the second rule that might have been working for you in your 20s, But is not going to work anymore in your 30s and forward is dating without intentions. Now, when we're young, of course, nobody goes at 16, let me get a husband. Most of us want to try out our options, see how things go. However, as you mature and as the biological clock starts to tick, it makes a lot of sense to get intentional about who you are going to date. Because lack of intention in dating means I'm going to just accept any kind of man as As long as I feel physically attracted, as long as it's fun. But in trying to have fun, you could be wasting your time with men who will never be a good long-term match. So if you're looking to build something serious, it's really time, as I like to say in ELEVATE, to stop dating just for fun and to start dating more intentionally for a true life partner. Now, dating rule number 3 that worked in your 20s but is ruining your success in dating in your 30s is overanalyzing every interaction. Now, let's face it, we've all done it. We've all sat with our girlfriends and hyperanalyzed every text the guy that we like has sent us. But while this was fun when we were younger and when you were younger, today doing this is absolutely a waste of your precious diva time. I mean, most of you watching this are ambitious women, career women, professional women. And yet we tend to behave like teenagers when we like a guy. So my one big invitation to you is stop overanalyzing every interaction. If a man likes you, you'll know. If a man likes you, he'll move towards you. If a man likes you, you are allowed to be imperfect. If a man likes you, you shouldn't have to overthink every text, every move, every call. In fact, if you find yourself in that place, it might be because he may not be the right person for you. And I tell my Elevate clients this all the time because even though women learn about feminine energy, even though women learn about showing up from their body versus their mind in their dating interactions, they still tend to be very analytical and very fear-driven in their interactions with men, and they overthink a lot. So this was okay when you had a lot of time to waste. I wouldn't overthink my texting, and I wouldn't overthink my interactions with a guy. If he likes me, He'll probably show it to me, and my only job is to say yes or no, to keep moving the connection forward or not. Now, rule number 4 that worked in your 20s but will not work anymore is playing the fixer role in relationships. You see, a healthy relationship requires you to attract a partner, not a man that is your fixation project, not a man that you have to work on to change, And this is okay if you were 16. This is okay if you are 24. But in your 30s, 40s, if you're still attracting men who are projects, then this requires you to face your own inner wounds. Why is it that you attract men who need all the hard work from you? Why is it that you attract men who are behaving like little baby boys and you have to be the mother and help them and fix them and fix their life? This kind of attraction in relationships where you're playing the fixer role and you're attracting baby men, half-grown men, half-ass men who don't know how to show up as an adult, mature, masculine man is such a thing of the past. It's so '90s, to be honest. Like, if you're a smart, successful woman, you want to attract a man at your level or more. And I don't just mean this in terms of wealth and success. I also mean this in terms of emotional maturity and intelligence. And no good man who is a healthy man wants to be a burden on the woman he loves. So stop falling for playing the fixer role in your relationships. It doesn't serve you, and it's going to keep you stuck dating the wrong guys and just experiencing repeated heartache. Now, number 5, The rule that worked in your 20s is not working anymore, is being hyper-independent and the ice princess. Now, when we're growing up in an era of feminism, we've all grown up with, you know, show him the cold shoulder, he'll come after you. Be hyper-independent. Let's show these men what we women can do. And that was cool. I did it too at university. But the truth is, if you're looking to attract a healthy man and a healthy partnership, That partnership is not established on hyper-independence because hyper-independence indicates lack of approachability to men. The truth is that men will not make a move at women that look like they're totally aloof, look like they can do it all. Men are attracted to women who need them. I don't mean you have to be needy, but I do believe you have to show healthy interdependence. Relationships are built on vulnerability. and interdependence. And this is something we work with our clients inside Elevate because I attract a lot of successful, you know, professional, career-oriented women. And these women have learned to work so hard and be so independent and do everything by themselves that they don't know how to depend on a man without being needy. And the good news is we help you learn this behavior. It's a very healthy behavior because healthy relationships Do require interdependence. Now, number 6 rule that worked in your 20s but is no longer going to work or serve you as you mature in your years is ignoring the red flags. Let's face it, when we thought a guy was cute, we gave him a chance anyway because it's not a big deal that he lies once in a while. It's not a big deal that he flirts with the other girls in university. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. Well, if you are going to continue with this behavior, which was okay for that age, it is going to cost you a lot now, especially if you are a serious woman looking to attract a healthy partner who is willing to go the mile with you, create a beautiful family with you. You cannot ignore red flags. Like, this is rule 101 of dating. Cannot ignore red flags. If you see a man who is lying, if you see a man who dismisses your boundaries, if you see a man who gaslights your feelings, It is a big deal, and you do not want to hire such a man to be your life partner. What kind of a relationship will you end up having with somebody who is scoring so low on emotional intelligence and emotional maturity? That's what healthy relationships are about in the long run. Number 7, we're moving through this fast. If you're enjoying this, make sure to give me a quick like, subscribe to my channel, And leave me a comment. Tell me which rule is resonating with you the most so far. So number seven is being too rigid with your checklist. Now when we're young, we can have our idealized checklist, and often that checklist is completely disconnected from the realities of life. You know, we've still not experienced enough of life. We've still not experienced enough dating dynamics. We've still not experienced the truth of the human being and the human relationships and dynamics. But as you get older, it is so much smarter to have a more flexible checklist. You see, in Elevate, we help our clients identify their deal breakers and non-negotiables, and we say beyond this, you want to be flexible. Because even more than superficial criteria like how much does somebody make, which at a bottom level, by the way, is important, but sometimes we can get stuck on the numbers, or sometimes we can say, oh, if he makes $80,000, I'll date him, but if he makes $75,000, I won't date him. Or if he's 50, I can date him, but if he's 51, I will not date him. And this is just rigidity because nobody drastically changes from their 50 years of age to 51 years of age. And, you know, if somebody makes 75 or they make 80, it probably doesn't make a huge difference in their lifestyle. But we can be rigid like this, and when we are rigid like this, it actually drastically reduces the pool. of men that we can date. And so it keeps us chronically single for a long time. So rigid checklists, so out, so '90s. Bring in flexible requirements and more than anything, focus on how somebody treats you and how they make you feel and what kind of a connection you share with that person. Now, rule number 8 from your 20s that's out is thinking commitment is loss of freedom. Now, when you're dating in your early 20s or late 20s, You might actually actively look for not a lot of commitment. You're looking for something casual. However, if you keep this attitude going in your 30s, 40s, you're going to attract men who just want you for sex. So if you're just going to go for the casual connection, you're going to sleep fast because it's cool to do so, you're going to attract men who are just going to come to you for physical assets. In other words, if you want to be wife, You've got to start thinking of commitment as the thing that actually gives a lot of weight and value to your seriousness in a partnership, to a man's seriousness towards you in a partnership. And that's something you want, and that's something you want to appreciate because it ensures that you are in a connection that has a higher chance of longevity and has a higher chance of lasting. Now we're on to the last 2 rules. Well done if you've made it so far. Rule number nine, so out, so twenties, is staying in wrong relationships just because you're afraid of being single. I mean, that's what women who are not feeling empowered within themselves do. We don't want to be alone, so we're going to have a boyfriend. We're going to have a boyfriend because it's convenient to have a boyfriend. We're going to have a boyfriend even though he flirts, even though he cheats, even though he's not really emotionally available. At least he drives the car and buys the groceries. And you know what? I don't want to face my loneliness, so I'm going to. Sit with this man and be with this man. Please don't do this in your mature years. Please don't do this in your 30s and 40s because your time is so precious, and every week, day, month, year you spend with the wrong guy, you do not spend that with the right guy. So stop being in relationships that you are just in on the basis of comfort. You've got to be in an aligned relationship until that aligned relationships comes. across. It's so much better to be single than to be with the wrong man. Now, the last and final rule of what worked in your 20s but is not serving you anymore in your 30s is only relying on organic dating. Now, when we're in college, university, it is so much easier to meet good men organically. You know, we go to conferences, we meet all these men at the same intellectual level as ourselves, I met my husband during my master's when I was in Germany, and that's actually a great time to organically meet guys. But the more you leave university, the more you're no more in your 20s, the more you get in your 30s and 40s. Let's face it, it gets harder. It gets harder to meet the right men. So if you're only focusing on organically meeting men and you're not using dating apps, you are going to drastically suffer because of this. Your pool of men is going to be drastically reduced. Your options are going to be drastically reduced. So make sure you are using dating apps. And if you've had a horrible experience with dating apps, it's not dating apps that suck. It's your strategy that sucks on them. And that's where my work comes in. My team and I help you inside Elevate to set up your dating profile. We show you how to text. We show you how to chat. We show you how to Get the right pictures so you attract the top 1% men. You know, I had a client who is a very famous celebrity, and I can't even name her, but let's say Bloomberg TV presenter, etc. And she actually attracted her husband using Tinder. And he is a senior-level diplomat who works in the White House. Face that, on Tinder. So if you're just looking to organically date, that is so '20s. Please don't do this to yourself. If you're serious about attracting a great partnership, start utilizing the power of dating apps to meet good men. And if you need help with that, we are here for you. Just click the link in the description below and book your free consultation with my team, and we will be very happy to tell you about how you can work with me and my team inside ELEVATE. I'll see you on the next video. Make sure to give me a like, leave a comment if this was helpful.