In this 10‑minute coaching monologue, Sami Wunder challenges the common, performance‑based definition of confidence that equates confidence with being the loudest, most attractive, or most knowledgeable person in the room. Drawing on her own experience as a Hermit in Human Design and an introvert, she explains how that definition creates pressure, leads to performative behavior, and ultimately alienates others. She reframes confidence as authentic ease in one’s own skin, regardless of introversion or extroversion. Sami then delivers three concrete, actionable tips: (1) Own and leverage your natural strengths while minimizing shadow traits; (2) Shift from trying to be interesting to being genuinely interested in others; and (3) Cultivate healthy boundaries by learning to say no politely. Throughout, she uses a conversational, supportive tone, encouraging women to embrace their unique energy, play to their strengths, and attract attention without trying too hard. The video ends with a call‑to‑action for viewers to affirm their confidence in the comments.
Chapters
If confidence still feels like pressure to you, you are doing it wrong. Give me just 10 minutes today and I'll show you how to be the most confident woman in the room without pretending to be like anyone else, without trying too hard to be liked or validated, or forcing yourself to feel like you belong in the room. Now, before we talk about what true confidence really is, I would love to visit with you the idea around what does confidence Confidence look and feel like for you right now? Because the truth is, if you're anything like I used to be almost 10 years ago when I was a single woman, I felt like being confident was about being, A, the loudest woman in the room, the one who was getting everyone's attention. I also felt like confidence was about being the most attractive, the most beautiful, the most put together and perfect woman in the room. And so I would try really hard to dress up and and make sure I was looking the best in that room, whichever party, whichever conference I was going to. I also felt like confidence means that I had to know it all. So I tried really hard to have good conversation starters, come up with lots of questions for people, and just really nod my head, laugh at everyone's jokes. And it was honestly a lot of pressure that I put on myself. And this was hard for me, and it was exhausting because I am a Hermit in Human Design, and I am an introvert in my private life. So those of you who are introverts, I'm sure you relate. And even those of you who are extroverts, maybe, you know, you also relate with some parts of this definition of confidence, which is you really have to be the person in the room that is gathering all the attention. Mm-hmm. And here's what this does to you. You see, The real confidence that you're looking to crack is actually the opposite of this energy. Because when you had this definition of confidence that you have to be the best, you have to be the one getting the most attention, you have to be the most good-looking, what ends up happening is that you actually put a lot of pressure on yourself and you end up being very performative in your energy. So even though you have good intentions, when you have a definition of confidence like this, what's going to happen is if you're anything like me or the women I work with, you are going to end up trying too hard, and men and people are gonna pick up on that energy. So let me give you a few examples of performative confidence, the kind of confidence I think a lot of women in corporate America carry. You know, the woman who's the loudest, you know, she will dominate conversations, she will be the loudest person in the room, she will crack all the jokes, always make sure all the attention is coming to her. Mm-hmm. And just check in with yourself if you've experienced this kind of person. Do you really think they're confident, or do you think they're annoying? Right? I mean, that's when that definition of confidence is existing in us. We end up dominating the room with our voice, with our words, with our body language, and we actually end up taking far too much space, which literally allows no space for other people. And what happens is they actually don't end up liking you because, you know, a good conversation, a truly confident person is comfortable being themselves so that they are not dominating the energy of the room, but they're actually allowing for their energy to flow in a balanced way so that there's also room for other people's energy to flow in the room in those conversations in a balanced way. That's why, believe it or not, that definition of confidence, if you have it, is actually really not serving you. Not only does it not come from a feminine space, it comes from a very, very masculine performative space. It's actually the kind of energy, the kind of put-on confidence, hard work confidence that ends up making people not like you, even though the true definition of confidence is that we don't really wanna care if somebody likes us or not. But the truth is truly confident people, actually end up being very likable because they are respecting of their own energy and they are respecting of other people's energy as well. There's not just room for me in this conversation, there's also room for you in this conversation. If we want to become the most confident woman in the room, we first must drop that performative definition of confidence, which is being the loudest, being the one who is dominating all conversations, being the know-it-all. And instead, My definition of confidence is that you become easy with who you are. You become extremely comfortable in your own skin. For me, that is true confidence of a woman. Now, it doesn't matter if your personality is more introverted. It doesn't matter if your personality is more extroverted. The true trick here is to know who you are and to like your So of course, let's now take it to the next level. You wanna be the woman that men notice. You wanna be the woman that other people wanna hang out with. So it starts by number one, becoming aware of your strengths. Because when you have that performative definition of confidence, you know, you're just trying to like hyper hard work to come across a certain way. But the truth is that you are a certain way and you have a lot of strengths. Right now, just the way you are. So true confidence is about knowing your strengths and playing on them. So when extroverts come to me and work with me, you know, I always tell them, you know, just calm down. You are already a great conversationalist. You already have a smile on your face. You're already, you know, somebody who cracks jokes and is naturally outgoing. Now, sometimes That is a great strength to have, to show up as a confident person in a room, but it also has its shadow energy, which is you can end up being performative sometimes. So know your strength, use it the right way, but also minimize your flaws or work on your weaknesses. So for extroverts, for example, true confidence would look like really being proud of the fact that you have an overflow of energy to share in a room, but then— Balance that with being a good listener, okay? So that you're not dominating the energy, you're not trying to overtake everybody else in the room. Now, if you're an introvert, the same holds true for you. You're probably a great listener. Now play on your strengths. That is confidence. Own it. Yeah. And then look at your shadow side. So I know for me, because I'm an introvert, I can be more quiet in the room, and sometimes that can make other people feel a bit uncomfortable. Does she not like me? Why is she so quiet? Doesn't she wanna talk with me or engage with me? So what I like to do is I really like to own the fact that I'm an introvert and I love listening. So I have learned to see that as my gift and confidence, but then I minimize my shadow. I minimize my weaknesses by still, you know, smiling a little more, offering a little more eye contact so that the other person feels comfortable in front of me and doesn't feel like I'm judging them or not wanting to engage with them. So that is my tip number 1, which is— Own your strengths. If you really wanna be confident, own your strengths and minimize your weaknesses. And you are good the way you are because that is the most important energy to knock if you are looking to feel relaxed in your body and not be performative or not be somebody you're not. Now, tip number 2 for really embodying real confidence and ease within who you are, and this worked so well for me, is to take off the pressure to be interesting and be interested instead. So this is so powerful. And men are gonna love you for it. People are gonna love you for it. So many of us go into parties, into social settings, into meetings wanting to be interesting, and then we put all this pressure on ourselves to know all the books, know all the parties in town, know be able to talk about the next Hampton party and be able to talk about where are you going next? Have you been to that hotel? But what if I told you that the real art of a confident person is not about you? being interesting, but you being interested in the person in front of you, especially as a woman. Now, as a dating and relationship coach, I help women attract masculine men. I help women lean into their feminine energy, and this is one of the most powerful things you can do. Instead of talking about yourself to show you're confident, let's start asking them questions about their life. What turns them on? What was exciting about their day? What is the project they're most loving working on right now? Because that is the confidence of a true embodied woman. She is not out there trying to show how good she is. She knows she is good, and this is why she can actually offer the gift of her attention to somebody else. Now, the third quick tip I have for you in order to feel confident is to have the ability to say no without the fear of being disliked or disapproved in social settings. Believe it or not, every woman of high value, every confident woman has learned the art of saying no. Now, of course, there's a way to say no where you can come across as prudish and rude and snobby, and there is a way to say no politely, which makes people see that you respect yourself and you're not just going to go along with anything just because you want to be part of the crowd. Actually, That is a quality that gets you noticed. So if you're looking to be the most confident woman in the room, remember these 3 tips. Tips number 1, you are enough the way you are. It's about being easy in your skin and not performing to work hard to look a certain way. So own your strengths, play on your strengths, whether you're an introvert or you're an extrovert, you have certain strengths, play on that. And then minimize your weaknesses and Play hard on what you're good at. And tip number 2, for the quick recap, is that be interested instead of trying to be interesting. And tip number 3 is have healthy boundaries. It really makes people respect you. And if this video was helpful, don't forget to like, hit subscribe, and say, I am confident, in the comments below, because you truly have everything within you to walk into a room and get people to notice you without trying too hard. You just have to start believing in yourself and playing on your strengths. Thank you so much for watching. I'll see you next soon again.
