How He Does Conflict - Women MUST Evaluate This In A Man 🔥
In this coaching monologue, Master Coach Sami Wunder explains why women should assess a man’s ability to handle conflict early in dating. She argues that the honeymoon phase masks true relational capacity, and that real relationships involve everyday challenges that surface disagreements, values clashes, and uncomfortable emotions. Sami contrasts single women—who often fear conflict and may abandon a relationship at the first sign of discomfort—with women already in committed partnerships, who develop higher tolerance because they must work through issues for the sake of the family. She shares observations from the Elevate Relationships and Elevate Singles groups, noting that single clients frequently break when a partner’s behavior (e.g., asking them to book their own travel) reveals misaligned expectations. Sami stresses that speaking truth, setting boundaries, and tolerating discomfort are essential skills for building an aligned, long‑term partnership. She warns that compromising early creates precedents that repeat, eroding a woman’s standards. The talk concludes with a call to action: women ready to invest in inner work can book a free consultation for the Elevate coaching program.
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Today, I want to talk to you about the importance of testing men's capacity to navigate conflict. I believe, based on my experience inside ELEVATE and having coached thousands of women in the last 10 years, that in early dating, it's basically the honeymoon phase. And this means that men are at their best behavior, You have butterflies in your stomach, and things mostly feel really, really good. But that honeymoon phase is not the real indicator of the capacity to do connection and commitment. Because let's face it, when you are in a real relationship with somebody, life is not a red carpet walk. Of course, life has its high moments, it has its red carpet moments, it has moments of fun and pleasure and joy and highlights, but the truth is, when you start living with somebody 24/7, you have to do the ordinary things together. And when you navigate those ordinary things together, challenges come up, discomfort comes up, uncomfortable situations come up, clashes come up. Difference in opinions come up, difference in values come up, differences in the way you see things and the way he sees things comes up. And this is where most relationships start to falter. They start to chip away. You start to fight, you start to disagree, you start to not sleep in the same bed because you're pissed at each other. You start to become snarky, critical, sarcastic, passive-aggressive at each other, and there is this resentment that builds up most of the times silently because most people don't have the tools to communicate in conflict. And we teach that to our clients In the Elevate Relationships group, there is a big part of the curriculum that focuses on navigating conflict because even inside committed partnerships and marriages, there is such a desire to keep the peace and to avoid conflict that I see inside women especially, and even men. I mean, I don't think there are men who go, you know, I'm committed to facing my fears, I'm committed to facing my triggers. Let's face it, it is an uncomfortable thing to do. So at least in the relationships group in Elevate, we see that, you know, this skill of facing conflict and navigating conflict is super helpful for our clients and makes such a difference because that is the path of a real relationship, a real connection. And every day living with somebody, there is going to be conflict. You are going to get disappointed. You are going to get triggered. and how both of you come back together, how both of you communicate, how both of you find your way back to each other's heart without having to kill your identity or suppress what you truly stand for or suppress your truth. I think that is the true art of intimacy. But what I have observed is that in the singles group, conflict is really hard to navigate for our single clients because inside Relationships Group, what we see is that, you know, there's a security of commitment. He's put a ring on my finger, we're about to get married, or we are married. And so there is a higher level of tolerance for uncomfortable emotions that I find together with my coaching team. You know, my entire Elevate coaching team comes together and we meet monthly and we review our clients' journeys. And because it's a highly intimate program. We literally know every client's story and progression over time. And so it is also the observation of the coaching team that somehow the women who are in relationships have a much higher level of tolerance for discomfort because they know they have to work through this. You can't just stamp your foot and run away at the first sign of discomfort, at the first argument, at the first sign of getting triggered. You can't do that. Kids are involved, a legacy is involved, and so you learn to sit, you learn to process difficult emotion. But in the singles group, we observe that there is often this fantasy of it's supposed to just feel good. And what happens is that the first few weeks usually feel good, and it's the honeymoon phase. It's when men are putting their best foot forward, But slowly and gradually, what happens is that real-life situations come up, value clashes come up, and I can see that the single women in Elevate, their fantasy gets broken. It's like, whoa, I'm actually not feeling good in this, or I'm actually not feeling comfortable, or even worse, he is behaving in a way that is completely misaligned with the way I would want a man to behave with me. And so at the first sign of discomfort, at the first hard conversation they have with the man, it feels very scary and it feels like the world is falling apart. And we've had a few clients in the last few weeks in Elevate Singles group where, you know, things were going really well. The guy is doing everything right from a textbook perspective— calling, texting, setting up dates, going on trips with the client— and then suddenly he does something or says something that ruins the harmony of the connection. So for example, he asks you to book your own flight and book your own hotel in order to come see him on his holiday. That's an example that happened to one of our dear clients recently. And this is where, as a woman, you can get really afraid, especially if you haven't navigated conflict, if you haven't navigated real intimacy, because real intimacy is not a linear path. I know that TikTok and Instagram is full of content telling women to walk away. I'm already dating another guy. And I can tell you that, you know, these women will unfortunately remain single because their view of intimacy is at the first sign of discomfort, running away, breaking up, rotational dating. But the truth is that when you're building anything meaningful with anyone, You've got to learn to work through the discomfort. And we find this is harder for our single clients than it is for our women in relationships, because women in relationships have understood that intimacy is a zigzag. It's like, I have to walk the scary path. I have to speak my truth. I have to draw my boundaries. I have to say what is important to me, even when it feels very scary. But for single women, that is often a sign of, oh my goodness, if I speak my truth, he'll abandon me, right? If I speak my truth and I say, actually, it doesn't feel romantic for me to fly all the way to your holiday destination with my own plane ticket and then book my own hotel room, like, that's not romantic for me. And it's not like we are best friends for 10 years, so I would do it, you know, in a— Platonic connection, but that's friendship, and you're not my friend, right? But what we have found is that that is so much harder for single women to do, especially when you like the guy, especially when you see something real is building. And what we are doing with our clients in Elevate is helping them see that it is so important not just to attract a man. I mean, our clients are. usually very, you know, they're good-looking women, they are successful women, they have good careers— doctors, teachers, single mothers who are lawyers, you know. I don't think it's hard for these women to attract a man. I mean, let's face it, if you were ready to sleep quickly with a man, you'll have so many men you can have a relationship with. But both you and I know that's not what you're looking for. You're not looking for a fling, you're not looking for a situationship, you're not looking for something casual. You're looking for the real deal, and the real deal is an aligned relationship. I'm in an aligned relationship, and for me, that looks like Sami can be herself with Chris even when it's hard, even when the truth Sami speaks, Chris may not like hearing it, but he's gonna sit with her because he cares. And because it's important to him. And if it is important to Sami, it's important to him. And an aligned relationship is one where you are practicing the art of speaking your truth and understanding that while it is very tempting in the short run, it gives you the high, it gives you the win, it gives you the dopamine, When you just get the guy at any cost, you twist yourself into a pretzel and avoid conflict and don't speak your truth and, you know, just book your plane tickets and go take the flight just to be easy and convenient for him so that the relationship continues. The truth is, you're setting a precedence, and when you set precedents, they will repeat. And so while it might feel like the easier path right now for my client to just say, okay, I'll come, Because at least that way the connection is surviving and the connection is alive. But the truth is that it will happen again and it will happen again, and she will train the guy that her feelings are not important, that her truth is not important, that her needs are not important. And so right now, my client— and I love her to bits— Is really learning what it looks like to speak her truth, even when it leads to conflict, even when it might mean that the guy is not going to be impressed. He's going to be surprised. He might go like, what's that about? I thought she was easy. I thought she was more convenient than this. Now why is she acting all high maintenance? Like, My client has to be willing to be uncomfortable and face her deepest fears right now because she really likes this man, and they've invested in this connection for the last 4 months, and it's not a game. At 40, if you're a woman at 40 and you're doing Elevate, you know, you're investing meaningful time, energy, money. into intentionally attracting your husband, your life partner. And so nobody wants to waste that time. Nobody wants to, you know, go back to scratch and go on first dates again. So all her fears right now of abandonment, of losing out on this connection, of this guy saying, this is not going to work, you have to pay— all of these fears are coming up, and it makes her human. because she's attached, she likes him. And our job as the Elevate Coaching team, and me as the Master Coach in Elevate, and my incredible team of relationship coaches, our job is to help her see that it's not just about keeping the man at any cost. It's about standing up for your standards so that you attract an aligned relationship. Because When we're dating, we're literally observing men and evaluating men for whether or not they have the capacity to be our husband. And just good looks, money, and a posh car is not enough. Even good sex is not enough. What is important is to notice how a man behaves when When there is conflict. How a man deals with conflict, how a man deals with you when he doesn't like what you say, when he doesn't agree with what you say. And yet, does he have capacity to show up? Does he have capacity to sit there and talk it through? Because if he doesn't have that capacity, you are signing up for a miserable— Relationship. Future. And this is hard to see when you're attached. This is hard because the easiest thing to do is to just go with the flow, agree to everything, get the guy, have the ring, get pregnant, have a happy marriage in your head, only to find out, wow, he's not even there. And every time I ask him to come earlier from work and help me with the baby, he's always gone. Oh no, he's a workaholic. Oh no, he chooses his sports and his guys before me. And every time I say I would like to spend more time, I need you, I need help with the baby, with the family, you know, he's gone because it's too inconvenient. But we set this precedence in dating because we were afraid of speaking up. And so my invitation to all my clients and the women who are working with me right now in Elevate, the women who want to work with me in Elevate, is to lean into the discomfort to face conflict, even in dating, because that is what is going to get you the right guy, the guy that you spend the rest of your life with, not just another guy, another year, another 3 to 7 month relationship that collapses anytime a real conflict shows up. And you do that by being able to speak up Your truth moment to moment, day to day, as you build a bond with a guy. I hope this was helpful. I hope this made you think. That is my desire from this episode today. And if you're curious about how we can support you inside ELEVATE to create a connection with a man that lasts and lasts with passion and joy and helps you build something real because you're tired of the superficial connections that you've been having with men, then the best way to inquire how to work with us in ELEVATE is to book a free consultation with my team. We are dropping the link below. Please only apply for these calls if you are in a position in your life where you are ready to make an investment in your inner work, in learning the skills of relational intelligence, and where you're ready to make time for this part of your life. You understand how important it is and you have the resources to invest in yourself. If that's you, we'd love to speak with you. Book a free consultation with my team. Thank you so much for joining me for this episode.
