In this solo coaching video, relationship expert Sami Wunder explains that the most damaging behavior a woman can exhibit in a romantic partnership is "overgiving" – consistently giving more than she receives across financial, material, caretaking, and emotional dimensions. She outlines two core psychological wounds that drive this pattern: (1) a deep fear of being perceived as selfish or unkind, which leads women to over‑compensate by sacrificing their own needs, and (2) an internal belief that a woman’s worth is tied to what she provides, mirroring workplace performance metrics. Wunder argues that overgiving erodes a man’s attraction because healthy men value being the provider, not being evaluated on what a woman gives. She identifies resentment – a bodily feeling of being taken for granted – as the primary red‑flag indicating overgiving. To reverse the dynamic, she advises women to "lean back" into their feminine energy and polarity, allowing the man to lead, initiate, and give, rather than stepping in to fix everything. The video includes client anecdotes, references to her ELEVATE coaching program (Singles and Relationships groups), and multiple calls to action for enrollment or a free consultation, emphasizing that intentional work, accountability, and support are required to heal these wounds and restore attraction.
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Now, there are many behaviors in a relationship that will kill a man's attraction for you, but the number one, the one that gets the prize, is overgiving. So in this video, I want to talk about the origin of overgiving, why, as women, we feel the need to overgive in our relationships, and how you can start observing your own overgiving in your relationship or partnership, and how you can start to turn things around. Again, I believe this is one of the most important Sami Wunder videos you will ever watch, because literally every smart, successful woman I know has a tendency to overgive in her relationships, even if she thinks she's above it, even if she thinks she is not susceptible to it. So let's dive right in. What is overgiving, and why do women feel the need to do it? So overgiving is, very simply put, when you are giving to a man more than he's giving to you inside of a partnership, whether it's a dating equation or a relationship or even a long-term marriage. Overgiving can happen at various levels. Overgiving can be financial, where you are the one pouring more financially into the man than he's pouring into you, but it can also be through gestures. Maybe you are the one who is pouring more into him through your caretaking activities, through your mothering, than he is pouring back into you and into into the relationship. Of course, it can also be just material overgiving. So when a woman is giving a man more gifts, you know, you can drive my car, you can drive my tractor, you can live in my house, than he is giving to you, and that he is providing for you, then that is also overgiving. And of course, overgiving can also be emotional, which means that you are more maternal in your energy towards the man. You care more about his feelings than he cares about your feelings. In the relationship. All of this is overgiving, and so many women find themselves being in this place where they are the ones giving, they are the ones doing, and they are doing and giving more than the guy is doing and giving. Now, let's talk about why we have this desire to overgive. I think, very simply put, there are 2 core reasons I see inside my ELEVATE program when women come to work with us, because this is one of the core wounds that needs to be healed in order for you to have a good, healthy relationship, whether you're looking to attract a healthy partnership in the Elevate Singles group, or you're looking to heal the connection you have with your partner in the Elevate Relationships group. So what I find is, core wound number 1 is, when it comes to overgiving, it is usually a response to not wanting to be an unkind person. What this basically means is that, as a woman, you are not fond of the idea of being seen as a selfish person. You're not fond of the idea of being seen as an unkind person. And so what happens is that you overcompensate. You're so worried about coming across as selfish. You're so worried about coming across as unkind. And let's face it, in our society, women are rewarded for Being self-sacrificing, women are clapped for. Oh, look at her! She's such a kind person. She would not eat her food herself. She would offer it to you. So we live in a society where being selfish or thinking about yourself is seen as a bad thing, and we don't want to be that person. And so what happens is that you end up overcompensating. You end up trying too hard to be a nice and kind person. In its essence, being a nice and kind person is not really a problem. I think it is important to be a kind person. I think it is important to be a good person. But when we're looking at the tendency of an overgiver, they are overcompensating. They are working too hard to be seen as nice and to be seen as good, and they are doing it at the level of self-sacrifice. If you can only see me as a good person when I sacrifice my needs for you, and when I overextend myself, then of course, I am going to do all I can to appear that way to you. So the reason why so many women overgive is because we do not want to be unkind or seen as selfish, and that makes us overcompensate. So if you had a scale of 1 to 10, and you'd be a reasonably kind person at 5, What overcompensation looks like is operating at a 9 or 10. That is why it's called overgiving. It's not called giving, because you would still be a kind person at 5. You would still be a giving person at 5 on 10, but you're overcompensating. You're trying too hard in this department to come across a certain way. And this is what is damaging his attraction for you, because In a man's mind, believe it or not, men are— at least the healthy men that I talk about, the healthy men that I want you to attract inside ELEVATE, when you join us— by the way, enrollment is on, link in the description below to check it out if it's calling you. A healthy man does not value a woman for what she gives to him. A healthy masculine man has complete capacity to go out there in the world, make more money, provide for himself, buy himself the car he wants, buy himself the house he wants. So when it comes to selecting a woman, when it comes to selecting a partner, he's not looking for, how much do you give? And if you have a man in your life who's constantly weighing your love against what you're giving, that is a very unhealthy dynamic to be in, because then your love and your value is being measured against what you give. But Speaking of a healthy man, he's not looking for you to give to him. He actually gets turned on when he can give, look after you, and provide for you instead. And so I remember this client inside Elevate Relationships group, and she has a partner where she feels like she's doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship, and she's doing all the work in the relationship, The questions she was asking us at the beginning of the program looked a little bit like this. I'm the one initiating the conversation about healing our relationship. I'm the one starting all these conversations about how do we have more sex, how do we have more intimacy. I'm the one starting all these conversations about date nights, quality time together. How do I turn this around? What do I say to him? Here's what I had to say to her. I said to her that no amount of talking about these problems is going to resolve these problems, because till you are in your masculine energy, till you are the one leading the dynamic, till you are the one initiating, giving, doing, trying to fix the relationship, the burden of the relationship is on you. And so, at some level, you're still the over-giver in the relationship, and he's the one in receiving mode. And so my advice to her was to start focusing on Feminine Energy and Polarity modules of ELEVATE and start implementing that in her relationship straight away, which is, lean back, let him come to you, let him start these conversations, let him miss you, let him do more in the kitchen, let him do more in the household. Oh, but Sami, if I don't do it, it won't get done. Then leave it undone. That is the courage you need to tap into as a Feminine Energy woman, Because most of us, we just jump into giving when we feel that fear that things won't get done, or he won't pick up the slack. But it is exactly that constant jumping in that makes you become the overgiver. And that is the core wound number 1, which is, we don't want to be seen as being bad or selfish, and so we overgive. And then, of course, the 2nd core wound, when it comes to overgiving, is this energy of, you know, what is the value that I bring to the table if I'm not giving? So we have this association with our value, with what we're giving in a relationship or giving to a man. And again, the truth is that your value is intrinsic. You are worthy from within. This is Module 2 of ELEVATE, by the way. You don't have to cook, clean, wash the laundry, buy a car, provide for things, or nurture him maternally in order for you to be valuable to him. You are valuable to a man just by being a woman. This can feel like a very radical idea, especially to high-achieving women, especially to career-oriented women, the women I serve as my clients inside ELEVATE. That's because you have learned that at work, you are valuable based on what you contribute. At work, you are valuable based on what you give and what value bring to the table. But here's the thing— your success at work and what makes you successful at work doesn't directly translate to success in love. Love is about a man valuing your heart, a man valuing your femininity. It has nothing to do with the money you make, the big career moves you make. Today, my husband adores me, and we're happily married for over 12 years, and we have a hot marriage, and he's He spoils me. He even has a tattoo with my name on his arms. But it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a CEO of a multi-seven-figure-per-year company. It has literally nothing to do with that, because when we got married, I wasn't this successful boss babe that I am today. So that was never part of the equation. That was never part of the attraction. The attraction was always about who Sami is as a woman. How much does Sami value her heart? How much she has the courage to put her heart, her feelings, her boundaries first? That's what made him feel attraction to me, and that's what made him pour into me. We have to work on releasing this core wound at some level, that we are only valuable and we are only worthy when we are giving. I had also promised you at the start of this video, that I will let you know how to figure out if you're overgiving. And I think the simple answer is, your resentment is the biggest red flag that indicates that you are overgiving in your relationship. And what does resentment look like? Resentment looks like a feeling in your body where you feel taken for granted, or you feel like you're the one doing everything and he's the one being lazy and receiving. Or you're the one giving, but you're giving to get something back. And even though you give a lot, you don't get back what you desire to get back. Now, it's really important, and I'm going to finish the video with this, but it's really important to pay attention to resentment in your body. It is truly one of the silent killers of a relationship. And the problem with resentment is that most smart, successful women, they rationalize their way out of resentment. They tell themselves, oh, he's just been busy. Oh, he's just been having a drinking spree. Oh, he's not like himself. He's just stressed out. He's not that bad a guy. You know that one gesture he did for me 6 months ago? I still remember that. That is who he is. And you fool yourself out of that feeling of resentment. and you use your head, and you don't honor your body, and you don't honor your feelings, and you don't honor your intuition. The truth is that your body, as a woman, is always telling you whether or not you're safe in this relationship, whether or not this person is invested in you or not. And your mind is going to try and pull you out of that because it wants you to not be uncomfortable. Facing our resentment, seeing that we're really unhappy, seeing that there are things in this relationship that are not feeling aligned at all, You know, this requires courage to face our uncomfortable feelings. So if you're feeling resentful, if you're feeling like you're the one giving more and getting less in return, use this moment as a red flag alert button, because it doesn't go well down this road unless you stop and really look at what's going on in the relationship and really address it. And if you want my help, Elevate 17 is currently enrolling. The link is in the description below. We are absolute masters at helping women heal these core wounds around overgiving, releasing resentment, stepping into your Feminine Energy, and pushing up the attraction in your relationship, in the bedroom and outside of it, not by working harder for a man's love, not by giving more to get a man's love, but by actually leaning back in your Feminine Energy. And don't let yourself be fooled by thinking you can do this by yourself. Even within ELEVATE, and with all that support, sometimes many of our clients struggle to turn these things around. It really requires very intentional work. It requires accountability. It requires and demands that you really stop, pay attention to yourself, and prioritize this aspect of your life. If you want my help, There is a link to book a free consultation with my team. Please only book this call if you understand that serious change in your marriage or serious change in your relationship requires you to invest your time, attention, energy, and money in this area in order for it to be a success. But if that's you, if you understand this, then book your free consultation with us, and we'd be happy to answer any questions you may have about joining ELEVATE. Thank you so much for joining. I am dedicated to your success in love. Thank you.
