In this YouTube advice monologue, relationship coach Sami Wunder answers a listener’s question about feeling an urgent, "now or never" impulse to contact a man. She defines the urgency feeling, then outlines four practical steps to manage it: (1) become aware of the urgency; (2) recognize that the feeling itself isn’t the problem, but acting on it is; (3) ask whether acting would be constructive for the relationship; and (4) distract and self‑soothe (e.g., cooking, making tea, listening to music) until the urge subsides. Throughout, she emphasizes that the feeling is natural but should be allowed to pass without impulsive action. She concludes by inviting listeners to join her free, confidential Facebook group "Wunder Divas" to share experiences.
Chapters
Hi everyone, this is Sami Wunder from samiwundercoaching.com. Today's question comes from Kilo of Greece. Kilo says, Sami, my question is about energy. How can we be grounded and not pushy when we feel that urgency of now or never with a man? Thank you, Sami. We feel so lucky to have you. Thank you, Kilo, and thank you for that brilliant question. What I have done is that I have come up with 4 ways to help you deal with this feeling of urgency when it comes up in dating or relationships. So, very quickly, for the other listeners and other women who are watching this, urgency is that feeling of do or die, now or never. In other words, you feel it when you know you shouldn't be initiating contact with a man, for instance, but you feel like if you don't do it, you're gonna die without him, Or, if you don't call him, you won't get your date that night. Or, if you don't text him, he's going to completely forget about you and not give you the attention you deserve. And so, in some words, you feel compelled to reach forward and get in touch with him. So that is an example of feeling urgent in the relationship or in dating. So, the number 1 way, Keyla, To deal with the feeling of urgency is to become aware of it. I know it sounds very simple, and probably you are already a woman who is aware, and that's why you asked such a brilliant question. But for everybody else, it's important to just become aware and say to yourself, wow, I need to back off. I'm feeling really urgent here. I'm feeling really restless here to make something happen. Okay, so that awareness is the first step to resolving these feelings. So you have to be aware that you're feeling urgent in order for you to be able to address it. Now, step number 2, Kilo, is understanding that the feeling is not the problem. Acting on that feeling is the problem. So this means That you feel urgent, and if you can just sit down with it somewhere and take a few deep breaths, it's alright. No harm done. So the feeling of urgency is not the problem. The problem is when you start acting on it. So when you act on those feelings of urgency and you start texting and calling and initiating contact, or if you are a woman in a relationship, you decide to speak your mind to your husband and let him know why you're angry. That's when damage can be done to your relationship. So you don't have to feel scared of feeling urgent. It's absolutely okay to feel urgent. What is important is not to act on it. Great. So number 3, once we're aware that we're feeling urgent and once we're okay with feeling urgent but we're not acting on it, is to remind ourselves, is this good for me and my relationship? So, I always tell my clients that when you feel compelled to act in a certain way with a date or the man that you're in a relationship with, always ask yourself, is this constructive to my relationship? Is this good for the both of us? Is this going to enhance his attraction towards me or reduce it? And if the answer is no, in which case, In urgency, it's almost always a no. We never want to act from a place of urgency. You simply see that this is not going to serve you. Leaning forward, initiating contact, is not going to help enhance a man's attraction for you. So why would you do it? Right? So just remind yourself, yes, I feel compelled to act in this way, but it's not going to serve my relationship with this man. Hence, I won't do it. And I know that's easier said than done, so my fourth step is all about distracting yourself. Distract the energy that you're feeling in your head, in your body, about I have to do something, I have to do something. If I don't do it, this will not work out. Distract this energy and do something else with it. So what I do is if I feel compelled to tell my husband my mind and tell him how what a jerk he's been the last evening. What I do is I take a deep breath and I go into the kitchen. I do all the steps I outlined for you, and then finally, as a 4th step, I go into the kitchen and I do something nice for myself. So I love cooking, and I love— it really relaxes me. I love great food, so I'll prepare something for myself, or I'll just even prepare a simple cup of tea for myself and put on some relaxing music and sort of just Just do something for myself for those next 5 to 10 minutes. And you won't believe it, Kilo, the urgency loses its power on you when you do this. Because what is urgency? It's just a feeling. And what you have to get good at is you have to get good at letting it pass, not holding on to it so tight and then acting and reacting based on it. You just have to feel it. You have to acknowledge it. You don't have to act on it. You have to remind yourself that being in this mode is not helpful for dating or relationships, and then you have to just distract yourself and do something else. And within a few minutes of doing this kilo, you will see that you're not feeling urgent anymore, that that thought has subsided. You're feeling calmer, you're feeling more relaxed, and then you won't feel inspired to do what you were wanting to do or what that urgency was trying to make you do. I hope that helps, Kilo, and I would love to hear back from all of you on how this works for you. Try it out and let me know. And very, very welcome on my Facebook group, Wunder Divas. So it's www.facebook.com/groups/wunderdivas, and we're having all these great soulful conversations there for free, and it's all confidential. So just Hop in and have some fun with us. Till next time, bye-bye!
