In this coaching video, Sami Wunder addresses smart, successful women who feel nervous before dating, especially after a long hiatus, divorce, or marriage. She first normalizes the anxiety, framing dating as a relaxed, connection‑focused activity rather than a performance. She advises women to shift from trying to be interesting to being genuinely interested, emphasizing feminine presence over masculine, mind‑driven effort. Sami warns against "performative femininity"—over‑trying to appear feminine or follow scripted questions—which creates pressure and blocks authentic connection. Instead, she promotes staying present in the body, remembering that the woman is the prize, and allowing mystery by keeping early dates short. Throughout, she references her ELEVATE coaching program and invites viewers to like, subscribe, and request a future video on authentic mystery in dating.
Chapters
How to feel confident before a date. Now, if you're one of those smart, successful women who is putting herself out there, maybe after a long time, and you're feeling the nerves and you're wondering, Sami, how do I feel confident and relaxed before a date? This video is for you. Now, the first thing I want to say is I want to normalize your anxiety. Putting yourself out there is a brave thing and it can feel challenging. And especially if you haven't done that for a long time, maybe you're coming out of a long marriage, Maybe you're coming out of a divorce. Maybe you haven't been doing this for some time. It is completely normal to feel nervous and to feel a little bit of anxiety. However, with the tips I'm going to give you, you are going to feel so much more confident when you show up on these dates. So the first thing you want to remember is that dating is a relaxing activity. Let this land. Dating is not a performance activity. In fact, if I were to be magically single tomorrow and put myself out there, I would yawn and feel so bored by all the superficial performance that goes on when it comes to dating. And everyone's trying to put their best foot forward, reveal the most interesting and best things about themselves. And it's honestly so boring because as a happily married woman of over 13 years, what I have learned to value is connection. You know, I don't get impressed by resumes and I don't get impressed by someone's So if I were to go on a date, I would not be looking to be impressed. Notice, I would be looking to connect. And this is honestly the most empowering advice I can give my clients, and that I give my clients inside ELEVATE, which is stop using dating as a way to impress someone, or impress a man, or get them to like you, or get them to choose you. Instead, go with the goal of connecting. You see, when you go with the goal of connecting, not only do you feel much more relaxed in your energy, you're not so attached to the outcome, you're also just looking to have a good time. And I tell this to my clients that some men, in fact, most men you will meet are not going to be your husband, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good time. And the way to have a good time is to be interested in the person in Which brings me to my tip number 2, which is, if you are dating from your Feminine and not your Masculine, you don't want to try to be interesting to a man. You want to be interested in the man. So I say, be interested, not interesting. Now, let's just look at what does it look like to try and be interesting. To try and be interesting, here are some of the questions that you might be having in your head. What do I say? What do I do? What are some good questions to ask? What are the rules for a first date? And which of my hobbies should I reveal? Which of my travels should I reveal? How much should I reveal? And as you can see, this is all about being self-absorbed in your experience of how you want to present yourself to the person in front of you. This is all about you. But you know when people like you, and you know when masculine energy appreciates feminine presence. It's when you are interested in the man in front of you and you are not putting any pressure on yourself to be interesting, intelligent, witty, smart, but you're just relaxed in your body and you're curious about the person in front of you. Now, here's one more nuance I want to point out, and I think it's really powerful for those of you who understand polarity or have been working with me or doing my work. Just ask yourself where Where are all these questions coming from? This self-doubt, like, am I good enough? Will they like me? Will they take me out? What questions do I ask? I don't know what to do. I'm nervous. Just ask yourself where all of this nervous energy is coming from, and then you recognize it's because you're in your head, right? M for mind, M for masculine energy. M for mind, M for masculine. And so you're in your masculine. You're not in your body. You're not in your relaxed feminine energy. So when you are having all of these anxious questions, just remind yourself it is not your job. It is not your job to be impressive to a man. It is not your job to be smart and witty and crack jokes and make sure he's laughing. That's his burden. He is the peacock. The peacock dances to impress the The peahen sits there sweet, soft, and warm and says, come on, dude, give me a good dance. There are other contenders as well. So when a woman understands that dating is not a performative masculine energy activity, but a feminine presence activity, that's when dating becomes fun. This brings me to the 3rd tip I want to give you. Performing femininity is never going to help you win with men. And what do I mean by performative femininity? It's when you are trying way too hard to be feminine, to speak from your feelings, to draw your boundaries, to make sure he thinks you're pretty and he thinks you're smart and he thinks you're leaned back and he thinks blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fill in the blanks. Just notice how all of this is actually just putting a lot of pressure on yourself. And when you are feeling under all this pressure, you can't relax and you can't have fun and you can't connect. And this is why, despite so much advice on the internet, women have never felt more overwhelmed and more confused by dating. And that's because instead of being reminded to relax and be present in the moment, enjoy the moment, connect with the person in front of you, be curious about the person in front of you, Our heads and our minds are busy, and we're full of, what am I not getting right? What do I do wrong here? How can I do the right thing? And all of this, even if it comes nicely packaged in a pretty pink dress, is still masculine energy. And it is still exhausting for you to be in that performative femininity. And it's exhausting for the person who's on the receiving end of that performance femininity, because men don't have often the language to explain what they're feeling. But they'll not be able to connect with you when you are performing Feminine Energy and you have all these rules in your head about how you're supposed to show up, instead of just relaxing and showing up and trusting that you are enough and you are already in your Feminine. So instead of doing performative femininity, what I invite my Elevate clients to do is to be present. Okay. So presence is very different than performance. Performance is, I am Working hard to manage your perception of me, even if that means I'm working hard to give you a feminine impression of me, versus presence, which is, I am just present with you to this moment. And that's how we have a good time, when we are present fully with each other in this moment. And that would simply look like responding to what happens, not trying to pre-rehearse lines, pre-rehearse questions, artificially creating intimacy, but actually just being present and responding to what happens. And I had this client who showed up on one of the Elevate calls and she said, Sami, I am going on a speed dating event. I'm so anxious. I'm so nervous. Please, can you prepare me and tell me what to ask and tell me what to say? And of course, I met her with love, but I also had to remind her that, you know, she's already so feminine, so wonderful, so soft, so kind, And she was really not remembering that she's the prize in this pursuit, and the man is the one who has to come up with clever ways to relate with her, whereas she just has to show up in her softness and sweetness and remember that that's enough. And it was interesting to see how her energy was so different, so anxious, so nervous when the call started. But by the time we were finishing the call, she was in a completely different energy. She was back to being relaxed, in her body, remembering she's the prize, looking forward to being present with men. And that's when she also understood that, yes, she could learn all these questions and learn all these scripts. But the truth is, you might have a man with whom those scripts completely don't make sense or don't feel authentic. And then you feel like you are not able to connect with that person in the moment because you're trying so hard to, like, repeat rules or repeat questions or repeat lines. So this is my advice to every woman who feels nervous before a date. Number 1, remember you are the prize. Number 2, drop from your mind into your body. Be in your feminine. Be present with the man in front of you. And of course, we also spoke about how you shouldn't be putting so much pressure on yourself to be interesting, but instead, you should be the one who is showing up interested, curious about the person in front of you, willing to listen, willing to ask them genuine questions about their life. And that is more than enough for a masculine man to feel good in your presence and to connect with you. Of course, for early dates, we ask our clients to keep them short because you don't want to reveal too much of a good thing. A little bit of mystery and leaning back is always going to pull the masculine in. But if you want to learn more, make sure you give a like to this channel, hit subscribe, and I will come back and give you authentic ways of how you can create a little more mystery in early Dating so that they keep coming after you, not just after date 1, but after date 2, 3, 4, and 5. And let's go to forever together. Comment mystery below, and if there's enough interest, I'll do a video on how to create mystery authentically in dating. I hope this was helpful, and if you're watching this before a date, happy dating! Relax, enjoy, and connect.
