The Importance of Boundaries: How to Create Safe and Healthy Relationships

Hello everyone! We are talking about today the one thing, the one thing that I would do differently if I started dating again, and what still continues to anchor my marriage like anything. So welcome everyone! This is Sami Wunder, your dating and relationship expert, and we're here today, this Saturday afternoon, come together and talk about that one thing, that one thing that I would do differently if I were to start dating again, and what still anchors my marriage. Hi, Jose! Nice to see you. Hi, Natalie! So I really want to make sure that we are interacting today and talking today. I have taken out some time and I want to answer your questions. I want to hear you talk and share and ask for my opinions. If you have a question, really share with us also on the comments as soon as you join us where you are joining us from. So your name and where you're joining us from, and if you are a new diva or a seasoned diva on the Wunder Divas community. So I see Soni. Hi Soni! I see Debbie. Hi Debbie! Everyone, whoever is joining, make sure you say hi and make sure you keep asking your questions because I really plan to take them up today during this amazing Saturday afternoon conversation that we're going to have about that one thing that I would do differently if I were to start dating again. Now, frankly, when I think about the one thing that I would do differently, and frankly, I would do so many things differently given what I know today, but if I had to point out that one thing, I would like to take a flashback on who I used to be, the girl I used to be just 7 to 8 years from now. Yeah. Hi, Yulce Pals. I hope I'm saying your name correctly, but thank you for joining. So glad you're here. Amy, hello, hello, hello everyone who's joining. Say hello to us and make sure you are telling us where you're joining us from and if you are a newbie diva or a seasoned diva. And if you're watching the replay, make sure to let us know and join as well. Alright, so Roopa says hi. Hello, Roopa. So we are going to take a flashback on the woman I used to be, the girl I used to be, in order to understand why that one thing that I would do differently is what it is. So let's look at the Sami of 2009, okay? Not the Sami of now, not the Sami of now at all, but the Sami of 2009. So the Sami of 2009 would, if a friend asked her to go to a party and she didn't want to go to that party because she was really tired, she would still say yes. Yeah, because she wanted to be a nice person. Do you relate with that? Does anyone relate with saying yes because you want to be a nice person and you wanna be a kind person? Hi Debbie, hi Natasha, thank you for the compliments, ladies. I'm really trying to look into the camera today, so that I talk to you all and connect with you all. So the Sami of 2009, if a friend asked her to go to a party and she didn't want to go because she was really tired, she would still say yes because she thought that was what being a good friend looked like and that was what being a nice person looked like. So say yes, say yes if you relate with this. Say yes, I do relate with this. Now the Sami of 2009, if a colleague asked her to, you know, can you do this work for me? I have a lot on my table. I have a lot on my plate right now. The Sami of 2009 would say, yes, okay, I'll do it, even though secretly inside I know that I'm so tired and I'm almost starting to feel resentful resentful of the fact that this person keeps piling up their stuff on my table. And how I wish they wouldn't ask me for more support, how I wish they would go ask someone else, but because they have asked me and because I feel it's the right thing to do and because I feel I am— I have to show the world that I'm a good person, I say yes. And I'm sitting there till 8 PM at night finishing someone else's work for which I will never be appreciated, for which I will never get credit, but somehow I feel that this is my moral obligation and I say yes because that's the right thing to do. If you relate with this, say yes, okay? Say yes in the comments. I want to hear from you and I want to hear from you whether this is connecting with you. And everyone who's joining, hello! Say hello, where you're from, and if you're a newbie diva or a seasoned diva. Now, of course, this Sami, this person that I used to be, she was also Doing the same behaviors in her love life. So she was also doing the same behaviors in her dating life and with men. So if a man asked me to move, you know, to go meet him in— for example, if I was in London and I was signing up for a date and someone said, okay, can you come here and here to see me? I would say yes. Yeah. I would say yes, even though it was really far away, even though I would have to sit 40 minutes on the metro and go to central London, I would do that. I would do that because I thought that that's what a good date does. A good date says yes, and a good date is not so high maintenance, and she's not so ooh-ah-ah, and not just full of herself and not all about herself. So that's what a good date does. So I said yes. And I got so tired, ladies! I got so tired! And I went on these first dates where there was no spark and no fun, and I would still do those metro rounds in Berlin and London. As a consultant, I was traveling a lot on my job, so I often met men even when I was traveling. Hey, Memuna! Hey, Cassandra, Heather, Joy! Welcome, everyone! So happy to have you here on this Saturday afternoon. And as you can see, you know, I was this person who was just constantly feeling the pressure to say yes to things I didn't want to say yes to, because I felt like that's what good people do. Yeah, that's what good people do. They say yes. They say yes, and they are polite, and they are not selfish, and they are about others as they are about themselves. Hey! Welcome everyone. Yeah, and so, you know, I was really like just in this living my life this way. Really, my life was about being a good person and being a nice person, and somehow in my world that looked like always saying yes to what others wanted. And I, I couldn't figure out why I was not appreciated. So that was another thing, right? So like I used to do all these things for that colleague, and then for that friend, and that girlfriend. And somehow I still never felt appreciated for it. I never felt like I was valued. I never felt like, you know, they understood that I cared, or I never even felt like they thought that I was a great person, because I never got any confirmation or any validation in return. So if you relate with that, and if that kind of stuff is going on in your life, then please write yes, because it's really important to me to know that this is resonating with you. If you used to be that person, share with us. If you are that person right now, no shame. Please share with us because that's how we learn, grow, and support each other. Okay, so that was the first part, right? The first part of flashback Sami 2009, 2008. That's the person I used to be. And there was another aspect to this energy. So one part of the energy was always saying yes, Always getting tired, always putting my own needs on the back burner, always feeling this constant pressure and this constant need to be the right, good girl. The nice, good person. And it was exhausting. It was exhausting. But I wasn't connected with my feelings, so I couldn't even tell you back then that I was exhausted. Okay? All I could see were the symptoms of that exhaustion, which is everybody just asking from me, me just giving to everyone, and never feeling valued in return, and never feeling that appreciation in return. Yes. Rupa says yes. Okay, glad you girls relate. Alright, so now let's look at the other side of this energy, which I call the mirror image of this energy. Now, the mirror image of this energy, where, you know, we are being the good person and giving, giving, giving, is the energy of entitlement. Okay? What does the energy of entitlement look like? Now, this is deep, okay? And it's really interesting, so listen carefully. The energy of entitlement is the mirror energy of that giving energy, where you give and you give without considering what it does for you, and you exhaust yourself and you tire yourself. And the energy of entitlement is when we give our energy so freely, and we have no terms around what is good for us, what is not good for us, how much we want to give, how much we don't want to give. We give our energy so freely, we give our time so freely. So what this does is that that becomes our worldview of how others should be behaving as well. Okay, so the entitlement energy comes from, I give so freely, because I am a good person, and therefore, you too should give freely, because I assume that you too want to be a good person, and you want to show me that you're a good person. Yeah? So, this is going to become clearer with the examples I'm going to give you, what entitlement energy looks like. Basically, what it looks like is when you don't respect your time and your energy, and you don't respect the effort that you're putting in, you are not going to respect someone else's time, energy, or effort. Because that's your worldview. You are just going to feel entitled to someone else's time, energy, and effort because you think that's how the world operates. That becomes your worldview of how things operate. You overgive and you expect others to overgive. And when others do not overgive, That's when they become bad people. Anyone relates with this? Tell me, share with me in the comments. If anyone is able to catch, and it's a really deep concept, the mirror energy of entitlement. The entitlement energy is, I don't respect my time, my energy, and what I give to you, and so I assume that you also don't respect your time and your energy and what you give to me. Let me give you an example and it's going to become clearer. Yeah, I remember I had this girlfriend back in Berlin and she invited me for a couple of parties and she didn't want to go alone and we were both single back then and she said, oh Sami, come on, and I was really tired and I knew I had to prepare for my exams, so I didn't want to go, but I was like, okay, if I do this, she's gonna think I'm a good friend, so I'm gonna do it. And so I did it, even though I didn't want to do it, and even though she didn't really force me, she just nudged me a little bit and she pushed me a little bit and said, come on, come on. I could have still said no, but I did not and I went. And I did this not once, but I did this twice, thrice. And then the time came when I wanted her to go. So I wanted to go to a party which was with my connections in my cohort, and I said to her, hey, let's call her Lisa. Hey Lisa, would you like to come with me tonight to the party? I don't wanna go alone, and it would be so nice to have a girlfriend to accompany me. And of course, she writes back, hi Sami, I would love to, but I'm really feeling tired tonight, and I don't want to. And I, of course, nudged her. I was shocked, surprised. But I nudged her and I said, hey, but come on, let's do it. I've gone with you to so many parties where you didn't want to be alone, and why don't you come with me tonight? She's like, I know you have and you're so sweet, but I really don't wanna go tonight. Oh my God! Ladies, I was so angry. I was so angry and I was so triggered, and I projected all my stuff on her, and she's not a good person, and she She's not a nice person, and look at her, and she's not there for me. If you relate with this, please share that you relate with this. I really want to hear from you. Let's see the comments. Yes. Great. Hi. Hi, Anne. You have to tell me how to pronounce your name, darling. I really want to get this right. This is how I behaved in my last relationship. I always overgave and was always disappointed that he didn't do the things I expected. expected of him. Yes, that's control, my darling, that's control. But great awareness, yeah? We can turn everything around with awareness. That's how I used to be too. Great! I can so relate to your example of the party. Yes. Relate. I can definitely relate, always an over-giver. Alright, so great, ladies, so glad this is resonating. Keep the comments going. If you have any questions, ask. Miku says she can also relate. All right, great. So this is hitting home, and that's how I want it to be. I want it to hit home. So let's look at another example of this entitlement energy. I remember, I, you know, before I started doing this work seriously, which I think was around 2011 or '12, yeah, can't remember exactly right now. I think it was '11, can't remember, 2011, 2012. Before I started to take this work seriously, and I hired a coach, and I started working on myself, and I really decided that something was grossly wrong in my love life, and if I don't address it, if I don't get help, and if I don't get serious about this, this is not going to change. That was the time when that sort of grew in me. But before that, I used to still casually browse on relationship forums and I used to check out the relationship big shots. You know, today I'm a big shot, but back then, you know, I used to look up to all these people. Like, today I work with Mr. Grant, but back then I used to look up to him, right? So I still remember, like, I used to casually browse these relationship website forums and read these books and download all these freebies. And then, you know, whenever I had a dating issue or whenever, you know, a guy would say something or do something, I would cheekily email these people, like these big shots, and I would write these long emails and these long letters, and I would ask for help. Guess what? I hardly ever got a response back, and I remember how that made me judge them and made me hate them and go like, oh my God, why don't these people— aren't they here to help us? And aren't they here to just solve our problems. So again, there was this entitlement energy coming up. And I remember, once again, I wrote to a big relationship expert once and actually started out by writing, hey, I know you're really busy and I know you have a lot of things to do in your day, but it would be so nice if you could take out some time for me and help me out and answer this question for me. And I remember he just got back to me with, like, 2 lines saying, Hi Sami, you don't seem to be ready right now, but when you are ready, here's where you can do the program. And oh my God! Oh my God! So triggered! I was so triggered, ladies. You know, I want to look back at this girl that I used to be with a lot of love. Really, I do. I don't want to judge her. I don't want to be unkind to the person I used to be. But I, like, it's almost funny and embarrassing right now to say this, but I had this huge sense of entitlement to other people's time and other people's energy and other people's gifts. And it was all because I did not respect my own time and did not respect my own energy. And I gave things for free, and I expected others to give things for free. And I couldn't recognize that You know, I was putting all this judgment on myself, this pressure of judgment on myself, that I'm not a good person if I just don't keep giving, giving, giving, giving. And I was thinking and hoping in my naive little girl world that these people would also feel that pressure to be nice. Yeah, they would also feel that pressure to look good and do image management. So when I reach out to them, they will feel the pressure to be nice to me so that I speak well of them. Yeah, well, guess what? They're big in their field because they don't give two hoots about what I think about them. Yeah, they don't give two hoots about, you know, the fact that I reach out to them and they straightaway tell me to do a program because they are experts and they see that I am not bloody ready and not bloody serious about my love life. And that's why I look for these little, hey, can you help me here? Hey, what do I say to him there? That's why I was doing all of that. So I, again, want to be kind to this person. I was a nice person, okay? I am a nice person, but it's really like, ugh, because I get such emails even now, and I can be like, oh my God, that's the person I used to be too, right? I used to expect, I used to feel entitled, and I would judge others if they did not operate from that worldview of, you know, just, yeah, my time is available for everyone, my time is available for all of you, and they did not operate from that field. Today I have so much respect for these people. Today I really look up to them and really appreciate them. I work with them, and I'm so proud of myself for reaching that place that they invite me to be on their programs and they invite me to come join their their group coaching programs, it feels really, really good. And I really admire them for showing me by example what I couldn't understand back then, that by holding on to their respect for their time and their respect for their energy, they were actually leading by example. And back then, my self-awareness was so low, the 2009 Sami, not today, but the 2009 Sami, My self-awareness was so low that I judged them, and I judged them harshly. But today, I have so much respect for them, and today, I have so much understanding for why they do what they do. Right? I mean, I frankly also, you know, I just, I, you know, want to spend more time with my paid clients now, because I recognize that by trying to help everyone, you know, my paid clients get neglected. sometimes. And that is why, you know, even I want to, you know, draw my limits and give more attention to women who are investing in themselves and give more attention to women who are really serious about this work. Because guess what? Back then, I was a student, right? Dating student. And of course, we all have this journey where we soften up and, you know, open up to this work, and then there comes a point where the shit gets serious, and then we take serious steps. So that is where, you know, I also want to invest my energy, when things get serious for someone, and they finally step up, and they want to achieve those goals, and they're 100% committed. Okay, so that was the Mirror Entitlement energy. Okay, so we had the giving effort, you know, efforting energy, and always saying yes because we want to be seen as a nice person. And number 2 is the Entitlement energy, which is the mirror energy of this energy, which is because I give freely without hoping for anything in return. I don't respect my time and energy. I expect you to do the same. Okay, great. So now I want to hear from you. Yeah, what is the repeated message here? What is the repeated message here? What was I doing repeatedly? And here's the thing, I actually went to my mentor back then, you know, and the coach I had decided to work with, and I asked her, you know, this person, this person really pisses me off, you know, this person really annoys me, and I sent them an email and they straightaway recommended me their program, and they straightaway said, whenever you are ready, you know, here's where you sign up and here's where you do the real deal. And I was so triggered, and then I was so triggered by that friend who said no, even though, you know, I had done all this for her and she said no. And my coach asked me, she said, darling, what about this triggers you so much? And I said, because they're selfish people and they're all about themselves and they don't care and they don't believe in giving back and they don't You know, they're just about— oh, with the relationship guru, they're just about money. Again, judgment. What is money? Money is appreciation for the gifts and the knowledge your expert or your teacher is giving you in return. So they're just about money. And she kept smiling, and I kept saying, so bottom line, they're really selfish. They're really bad people. And she smiled at me and she said, are they? Are they bad people? Or actually, you are frustrated that they are doing something that you would also want to do, but you're not able to do yourself. So now I'm gonna give you that one word, and I wanna first hear from you what you think that one word is. What is that one word that you think I would do differently in dating? What is— what do you think my coach told me back then, that I need to have dash? Confidence. Sami, you need to have dash in your relationships. Dash. So come on, I wanna hear from you ladies. Who is smart enough to give me that one word? I'm gonna throw it. Oh wow! Oh my God! So okay, tell me, what is that one word? Oh God, yes, you girls are wise. Okay, I think Yulia said it, Natasha said it, Rupa said it. I think you guys know it. Said it. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Boundaries is the word, ladies. Yeah? If there was one thing I would do differently if I started to date again now, and that one thing that keeps my marriage loving and anchored in a beautiful place, the word is boundaries. Boundaries. Yeah, and so my coach told me, she said, are they really selfish, or are they just triggering you because they're showing you by example how you need to take care of yourself and how you need to stop worrying about what others think of you and how you need to really stand up for yourself and take care of yourself and stand in your own boundaries and start respecting your time a bit more start respecting your energy a bit more, and not feel like a bad person for doing it. Good, healthy people have boundaries. Good, healthy, functioning people have boundaries. And so I remember how that one interaction where I was judging people so much with boundaries actually turned everything around for me, turned my entire perspective around, And how I understood that what was triggering me and what was frustrating me with these people is that they had boundaries and I didn't. It wasn't that they were bad people. It also wasn't that I was a bad person by giving. And they were also not bad people because they were not giving freely and they respected their time and they respected affected their energy. And I mean, with the relationship coach example, you have thousands and thousands of people writing you messages and sending you emails, you know. So you have to, you know, value your time, and you can't let your paid clients suffer because you wanna, you know, try to be a good person and try to rescue the world. You can't rescue the world, right? So what was actually triggering me about these people is the way they lived and the way I refused to live. I sort of stuck to this definition of a good person, and a good person is a person who just gives, gives, gives, gives, gives, and is selfless. That's the day when I was talking to my mentor that my perspective on who a good person is changed. We are first and foremost answerable to who who we want to be in our lives. And the first responsibility we owe is to ourselves, is to taking care of us, is to taking care of our emotional well-being, is to honoring our feelings, is to honoring our time, is to honoring our energy. And if there's anyone out there who judges us for it, they don't belong to our world. They don't belong to our world, ladies, because having boundaries is one of the most healthy, authentic ways of being out there, whether you are dating or you are in a relationship. If this is resonating so far, please tell me in the comments, and please let me know how this is feeling for you, because that is really important to me. That is really important to me to hear from you. And to know this is making sense and this is resonating with you. Okay, so here's how we do boundaries. Are you ready for some tips on doing boundaries? Are you ready for some tips on how you do boundaries well, whether you are single or you are in a relationship right now? Are you ready? Are you ready? Say yes, say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. Okay, so I want to hear from you in the comments if you're ready to get some tips on how you can do boundaries well in your relationships and in your dating life. Okay, so now that we're talking about boundaries, I want to talk about what changed within me that day. Yeah. When I was having a conversation with my mentor and I was having a conversation with my coach, and what changed within me was that I decided to stand up and own who I was in the world. I decided to stand up and own who I was in the world, and I couldn't care two hoots about what others thought of me. I couldn't care two hoots about what others thought of me because living that way is a very exhausting way to live life. Yeah, living that way where you constantly get judged by others, you know, like Supreme Court of others. Yeah, where they pass verdicts on whether you are a good person or you're a bad person is a very exhausting way to live. And if we live clouded under the fear of judgment from others and under the fear of not being seen as a good person when we have our— when we're putting in place our boundaries, then we are going to constantly twist and turn ourselves into a pretzel for others, and we're never ever going to feel satisfied. We're never going to feel anchored. We're never going to feel authentic in our own energy. You know, so many of us, so many of my clients, when they come to me, they're 35, they're 45, and they tell me, Sami, I have no clue who I am. My entire life, I have lived under the pressure of being a nice person and fitting into the box and convincing others that I'm a nice person. And so today, when you ask me, who are you, Kathy? Who are you, Sally? What feels good to you, Sally? What doesn't feel good to you, Sally? Sami, I don't know. I don't know because I've never lived my life this way. Yeah, so what changed for me that day after my conversation with my mentor is that I decided that this is who I am. My time is valuable, my energy is precious. I give what I give and I give it with my heart, but I also give no more. And I am not going to twist and turn myself into a pretzel for others in order to be seen a certain There is no shame in my game, ladies and ladies. There are no gentlemen here. There is no shame in my game, and this is how I'm gonna date, and this is how I'm gonna own who I am, and the man who is right for me is gonna enter my life. And he's gonna like me for who I am and what I stand for. No shame in my game. No shame in my game. So here's how my dating life turned around, and here's how things looked different for me really, really fast. Okay, so let's look at some of the examples where I started to assert my boundaries while dating. So I told men, I can't do last-minute dates. No matter how handsome you are, how hot you are, I don't do last-minute dates. I just don't do last-minute dates. If you show up last minute, unless and until I'm really wearing my little black dress and I'm ready to go out and you say, Hey, up for a pizza? Okay, fine, because I feel like having the pizza and I'm ready anyway. But you're not gonna make me get out of my bed and out from my PJs and dress up just for you because you, mister, decided to, you know, think of me at 6:40 for a 7:40 date. Okay, not happening. And I owned it. I just owned it, you know. Earlier I would cry about it and feel really fearful and feel really afraid, and what do you think, and will he go away? No, they don't go away if they like you, they stay, right? But you have to vibe that confidence in who you are, and you have to vibe that confidence in what your boundaries are and what you stand for. Okay, so let's look at some other ways I implemented boundaries. I cancelled dates with any man who sent me a picture of their organs. Yeah, like, sorry. Like, there was this guy I was speaking with, and everything was flowing well, and I was actually looking forward to the date. date, and I was like, wow, he's really interesting, and you know, he's got so many varied interests. And then mister sends me like a picture of his dickie one fine morning. Yeah, I had to cancel the date. I was like, sorry dude, not happening, not seeing you. Yeah, not up for this kind of stuff. I said no to sleeping on first dates, and I owned it. I actually said no to sleeping for a very long time, but I got the confidence to say no. Yeah, I was like, this is me, And no, it's not cultural. It's not because I originally come from India. It's not because I'm conservative. It's because I value my body. I value my body. I'm not traditional, not modern, none of that. I'm a modern-day diva. My clients are modern-day divas, right? I don't wanna sleep with you on the first date because I value my body and I value my emotions. and I get attached when I sleep with you, and that's why I'm not gonna sleep with you. Now, if you can deal with it, great. If you can't deal with it, goodbye. Okay, next. I said no to driving to see men. What a relief! I don't drive, you drive. You can't drive? No problem. Don't see me, no problem. Plenty of amazing men out there. Yeah, what else did I say? Don't come up to my house. Can I come up for a coffee? No, you can't. And you're really hot, that's why you can't. That's precisely why you can't come up, because you're really hot, and I don't wanna get into a messy kind of a situation. So no, you can't come up. The guy laughed. Who was that guy? It was my husband, my current husband, my one and only husband, current husband. Yeah? So, Chris was totally turned on by my boundaries. There was never any argument. There was maybe a little bit of surprise. There was a little bit of, Oh, okay! Oh, okay! Because he'd never heard that kind of stuff from, you know, other women he was seeing. But when he saw me say those things, and because I was vibing confidence and not self-doubt, and I had really owned my boundaries, he was totally cool with it. He respected everything, and we are married and madly in love, and we're running 6 years of our marriage, and this man can't get his hands off me, so there must be something really right about what I'm teaching you here. Boundaries are not just for single Divas. Boundaries are also for women in relationships and married women. Let me see what's happening in the comments. Body is a boundary. Amy is a modern-day Diva. Hell yes! And she's coming for the Luxury Retreat in Malta. April, so we're gonna have a lot of fun together, Amy. I said no to a last-minute date. Well done. Haha, my current husband. I know, you know, when I'm spontaneous, I say things like that. Okay, so boundaries in relationships. My hubby darling still gets to hear from me, honey, I've been with the baby the whole day. I can't do no more. Please come in and help. Honey, I've done my part, now it's your part to put him to bed. Or, honey, I don't wanna wake up to that annoying aggressive alarm in the morning. Can we please do something about it because it really disturbs my sleep? So I like to get up to these really nice music, soft music in the morning. I don't like his, like, I don't know, like his Contra Car and, you know, like these rock kind of rock band kind of alarms that he has. I really don't like it. So boundaries continue to be a part of my marriage because boundaries are a part of any healthy relationship. They are not selfish. They are not making you a bad person. It doesn't mean that you don't care. It doesn't mean that you are not a good person. What it does mean is that you take care of yourself and you honor yourself. Boundaries mean that you honor yourself, and that's a good sign. Healthy people, healthy people have boundaries, and healthy people respect boundaries in other people. Okay, so this is important. Healthy people respect boundaries in other people. So this mirror energy, which I talked about, where, you know, you give, give, give, give, give, and you can't— you have no boundaries, and you don't value your time, you don't value your energy. And then you have the mirror energy of entitlement, where you expect, expect, expect someone to keep giving to you, and it's never enough, and it should keep flowing because you are trying to prove that you're a good person, so they should also try to prove that they're a good person. So when we take away this toxic mirror energy, and we bring in the healthy energy of boundaries, then when you start to have strong boundaries, you respect people with strong boundaries. So when your friend says, I cannot come tonight, you say, okay honey, I totally understand. Okay honey, I totally understand. She has a right to make that choice that honors her. Getting my point here? She has a right to make that choice that honors her. For a relationship coach, I would not ask for free advice. Why should someone feel— why should I feel entitled to someone's time, energy, and effort and gifts for free? I will— I respect my time and energy and effort, and I will respect the person's time and energy and effort. Yeah, so you can see that when we start to have healthy boundaries ourselves, we don't feel entitled anymore. The entitlement energy goes away, and what replaces it is the energy of respect. I respect my boundaries, and I respect your boundaries. Just like I have a right to say no, you have a right to say no. Just like I— I have a right to say no, you have a right to say no. have the right to respect my time and command money and respect for my gifts. I'm a scientist. I'm a doctor. I'm a lawyer. And just like I don't give away my gifts for free, I don't expect you to give away your knowledge, your gifts for free. I respect your time, your energy, your gifts, your knowledge. Yeah. And so really, when our self-awareness expands, And when we start to take ourselves seriously, take our time seriously, and we don't, you know, we don't overgive, and we really respect what we stand for, we start to do the same and return the same energy to others. And that's where our triggers around others' boundaries reduce, and what it becomes about is is actually a celebration and a mutual appreciation that, hey, you know, this is a totally objective, non-emotional communication where you can easily say your boundary, and if I agree with it, that's fine, and if I don't agree with it, then I can easily say my boundary, and we both don't get triggered or don't go mad because we both, as adults, understand and respect that we both have the right to do this. We both have the right to do boundaries. Dating or relationships. Let's see what Jose is saying. Hi, hi, hi everyone! I even started putting boundaries with my co-workers and clients. Of course, of course, I have boundaries. I work with my clients. Just because someone pays you money doesn't mean that they buy your entire life. They buy that service from you, and you need to have respect for your time and your energy, and you need to know how to honor this, how to really help people, but at the same time, honor yourself in the process and honor your energy in the process. The bigger you get, like the bigger— the people with big companies and people who are leaders, leaders really thrive on boundaries. They don't thrive on free, on just like throwing their energy around as if it doesn't count. They really value their energy. And that is the energy with which you want to show up in your marriage and in your relationships. If this is resonating, ladies, if this is resonating, say, yes, I resonate. This makes sense, because I want to know if this is feeling helpful to you, if this is resonating with you, and if this is Raising your self-awareness around the topic of boundaries. Quick tips on how we can do boundaries. There are 4 tips on how you can do boundaries better. But before that, I want to make sure you know that my Inner Circle Extraordinary Love 2018 program, group coaching program, is starting. Starting this Monday, 5th Feb. And it is catering to both single women and married women and women in relationships. So we have a separate group for Single Divas, and we have a separate group for women in relationships. And each month, for the next 8 months, if you decide to sign up— and I really hope you are running at this opportunity, because really, I am not going to offer this price point again to work with me for the next 8 months. It's an insane amount of value, and what you get is my support. Twice a month, my support. You get live streams like this. Yay! I love connecting over video because I think it really helps you get my energy, and you can talk to me live and interact live. Every month for the next 8 months in the As part of the Extraordinary Love Inner Circle, you're going to have one livestream workshop from me, anchoring content workshop, in both the groups, separate content for single ladies, separate content for women in relationships and married ladies. And I'm going to teach you stuff. I'm going to teach you hardcore techniques, tools, skills. I'm going to give you homework, journaling exercises, and then for the next 2 weeks of the month, my associate coaches are going to check in with you, and that you can ask them any questions, anything that's coming up in your relationship, in your dating life, what to say, what to do, how to do this, what is this, why is this man doing this, those kind of questions. They are trained enough to answer all of that for you. They're really good. They're my babies. And then again, at the end of the month, I will come live on a livestream like this, and I will be answering your questions. And this program is designed for the busy woman. So my clientele, the women I work with, the serious ones, the kick-ass ones, the ambitious ones, you know, they have jobs and they're busy. They're lawyers, doctors, scientists, vice presidents of banks and investment bankers. So these are really busy women, and of course, they are worried if they're gonna be able to make the time for the program. So basically, the way it's designed is, you don't have to show up live. You can watch as a replay, right? So you don't have to show up live. Everything that we do on the program is going to be recorded. You can leave your questions beforehand for me if you cannot make it live on a livestream, and I'm going to answer those questions for you. So that's going to be 8 months. So every single week, you're going to have support. You're going to be guided Supported, loved, nurtured, challenged. Challenged is a big word because I'm big on challenging you and big on showing you your crap and big on triggering you. So I'm gonna do that because that's who I am, and that's why I get great results with my clients, because I don't sweet-talk you. I don't sweet-talk you. I sweet-talk you when you need to be sweet-talked, when you're really hurting. That's when I sweet-talk. But otherwise, I'm gonna kick your cute, cute butt. And I'm gonna say, girl, get it moving! Look at your fears, look where you are resisting, look where you're blocking yourself. See yourself for your greatness, stand up in your power, and really own it. So that's my style of coaching, and that's what we're gonna give you for 8 months. And that's why my clients get results, and I wouldn't change it for the world. If that is not how you work, that's fine with me. You can go somewhere else. Yeah. But this is how I work. This is how my clients resonate with me, and this is why they get such great results. Because I believe in what I do. I know for sure that if a woman really listens to my advice and really follows the skills and tools and concepts I teach, she is going to attract her man. And if she's already attracted her man and wants to move to the ring, she is going to get that ring. And if she already has the ring and wants to deepen intimacy, she is going to have deepened intimacy. Yeah, that's how confident I am, because I know that when a woman decides to own her magnificence— this is the only cookie-cutter part of the work, you owning your magnificence, right? Because when you can step into your own greatness, the man just follows, the man just comes in, the man just gets mesmerized. This is how it happens. Okay? So ladies, the Inner Circle is starting on Monday, and there is no time to sit there and think and decide and play with your fears and decide, as always, not to do it. Maybe another time, maybe another decade, maybe another year of trying this on my own. Let's not do all of that. Let's be decisive. Let's go for it. Let's make a different decision this time. The way we do one thing in life is really the way we do everything. If you are not able to overcome your own resistance and overcome your own fears in investing in yourself, then it's going to be really hard to inspire a man to do that for you. It's going to be really, really hard. Trust me. It's all about stepping into this person that we know a man would give anything for. And for that, we have to step into our own magnificence. We have to get over our fears. We have to get over all of that that stops us. Maybe you even have limiting beliefs around what you can have. So many times, I talk to women and I ask them, okay, so you know Inner Circle is happening. Why haven't you applied? Why haven't you signed up? And she'd be like, you know why? Because I sit and see all these success stories, and I feel like I can't be one of them. I feel like I'm different. I feel like my story is unique. I feel like I am stuck in a way that nobody else is stuck in. And it's really cute. It's really cute and endearing in a way, and it's really annoying in another way. Because ladies, I want you to know that whatever is personal is universal. There is no challenge that you are facing in your life, or in your love life, or with men, or in your relationship right now that another woman on the planet is not facing. Everything personal is universal. Your pain is universal. Your loneliness is universal. Your self-doubt is universal. Your toxic triggers from childhood, it's universal. You're not the only one. You are not the only one. These tools that we work with, these tools that we teach you, they're not meant for just some celebrity woman. They're not just meant for some superstar woman. They're meant for every woman who is willing to step up and do the work. Really step up and do the work. Just like you would want a man to step up and do the work for you, you've got to step up, girl, and do the work for yourself. Now make sure when you are signing up for the Extraordinary Love Inner Circle, you also know that it has a huge number of bonuses coming along with it, which is including all my programs for single women and women in relationships. So Attract Your Soulmate, Date Like a Diva, Soulmates Forever, Reignite His Love for You, all of that stuff in the background. And then there's me, and then there's my coaches, and then there's those check-ins, and then there's all these 8 months of Facebook group support. Crazy amount of time and crazy amount of crazy amount of energy and crazy amount of accountability and guidance that you can get in moving forward for your love dreams, in moving forward for that relationship, that soulmate, that ring, whatever your life situation is. You know, we are happy to support you reach your next level of goals. So really, you can join later, but why not start now? Why not start from the first day and be part of this amazing energy that we're going to be creating? And that is also where, ladies, I have to say, I will be stepping away a bit from Wunder Divas because my paid clients really need my support. And my paid clients, because they pay for my time— my boundaries— they pay for my time, they pay for my energy, I cannot have them neglected because I am here. So I will be here. It's not that I'm going— I'm gonna abandon you. Never! I'm never gonna abandon you. I really love you. But of course, I have to give the due time, attention, and energy to those women first. So you want to be part of that inner circle? You want to be part of that energetic group of women who are getting my first and foremost attention and priority, and who have the freedom to tag me? Yeah, not everyone has the freedom to tag me. Tag me, they can tag me and they can say, Sami, please help me. So really see what's stopping you, see what's blocking you, see why you are not able to step up and do this for yourself. And we are going to talk about this in just a moment, but now I wanna give you those 4 things. 4 things for boundaries. Remember, if you want to sign up for the Inner Circle, it's €3,000 for 8 months. We have an installment plan. It's really a no-brainer, ladies. It's really a no-brainer. We have an installment plan. Sign up today. We've left the link for the program on top of this video. If you are someone who has never spoken to me before, who has never done any of the programs before, that's fine. You wanna join and you wanna quickly do the self-study part yourself and then make use of the group. You can write to me on Facebook Messenger, reach out to me, let me know you're interested, let me know you wanna do this, that's fine. Write me an email, sami@samiwunder.com. Sami, I love you. Sami, I've been watching you. Sami, I think I'm finally ready to do this for me. I get those emails all the time, just shoot me that email, okay? So now, quick 4 things on boundaries before we end. Know your boundaries! Know your boundaries! How many of us know our boundaries? We are constantly surprised by what happens in life, right? It's like every time a guy does something, we're like, oh, should I say yes? Should I say no? Should I say yes? Should I say no? And a part of it, yes, you will learn on the way, because there's no amount of You know, there's no amount of time, you know, like there's nothing you can learn that is all— that is not going to come through experience. You know, some part of it will come through experience. It's not possible for you to put down everything on paper, but it is possible for you to look back and reflect on your experiences so far and say, okay, I realize this doesn't feel good, this doesn't feel good. Yeah, I'm not gonna do it. So you wanna do that. Okay, so That's the first one. The second one is acknowledge the fear and release. So just because Sami said, there's no shame in my game, and just because Sami is able to assert her boundaries, and just because Sami doesn't care what the world thinks of her, doesn't mean that you are at that level of fearlessness right now. And that's okay. You have to remember that Sami has worked on herself through these years. Yeah. This does not happen overnight. Sami has worked really hard on herself. She's invested a lot of money in her personal development. She has worked really hard to let go of all of that stuff that was holding her back. Yeah. So don't expect for things to change overnight, but what you can do is that every time you decide to assert a boundary and the fear comes up, what are they going to think of me? Am I going to lose this guy? Am I going to lose this person? Just acknowledge that fear and release it. Just breathe it out. Say, I acknowledge you and I release you. I acknowledge you and I release you. So you will— it's not that those thoughts are going to disappear, okay? So you just want to acknowledge the fear and you want to say, I release you. And then you want to express the boundaries. So you want to say, this works for me, this doesn't work for me, that I can do, but this I can't do. I would love to, but I'm sorry, I can't help you tonight. Or just like feeling, you know, giving yourself permission to ignore a text till you feel inspired to reply to the text, or giving yourself permission to not reply to texts that disturb your night's sleep. All of that stuff. So really expressing those boundaries. And number 4 is to own the consequences. Okay, now sometimes the control freak will enter, and when you draw a boundary, you would want a certain outcome. Yeah, it's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. You're not always gonna get the, the outcome that you want. Yeah, you have to accept the consequences. You will lose some people when you draw boundaries. I still do. That's part of the human experience. They were supposed to be in my life for a certain point of time. After that, they weren't. Goodbye. Good luck. God bless you. Own the consequences of your boundaries, and sometimes they're going to be really positive, like my husband in my life, or sometimes they're going to be really negative, and your fears, so to speak, are going to come true. People are going to lose you, are going to leave you, people are going to abandon you, and that's okay, as long as you, my dear, are not abandoning yourself. That is my only concern. My concern is not some man leaving you or some friend leaving you or some coach leaving you. My concern is you leaving you, because then you have nothing. You don't have anybody on the outside and you don't have anybody on the inside. So don't, don't care about the consequences. Own the consequences. Understand that they will not always be positive and understand that you will lose people. people, and that's part of the process, as long as you're not losing yourself. I hope that makes sense, and I hope, I hope that this really enters deep within you, deep within you, and moves you and inspires you to really stand up for yourself and your boundaries. Alright, ladies, once again, Extraordinary Love Inner Circle, where you're gonna get live streams like this with me every month, direct Q&A, teaching workshops, talking to me, getting my support, getting my advice, getting my programs for 8 months at a small investment of €3,000. It is not a big investment. If you stop going to Starbucks every single day and you save that money every single day, you're gonna be able to make up to the installments. You're gonna be able to do this for yourself. Maybe, just maybe, it is time to stop gifting things to others, and maybe it is time to gift this to yourself. Maybe it is time to think of yourself as worthy enough for investing in your own self. I cannot tell you how many amazing, gorgeous, strong, successful women I meet and speak with that have such a hard time investing in themselves. It is an alien concept to women. still. It is an alien concept. Women are so comfortable investing in clothes, investing in jewelry, like, you know, that H&M kind of cheap stuff, investing in shoes, investing in bags. And, you know, we buy the best outfits and we buy designer jewelry, but when it comes to actually feeling like, you know, Louis Vuitton deep inside, actually feeling worthy deep inside, that's the part we don't invest in. That's the part we don't feed. Yeah, so this money is you feeding yourself. This money is you feeding your soul. This money is you investing in yourself and telling the universe, I am important too. Yes, my kids are important. Yes, my parents are important. Yes, their happiness is important. Yes, the car loan is there and the house loan is there, but I am important too. In fact, if I am not happy and I'm not feeling fulfilled and I'm not feeling inspired and I'm not feeling good in my life, what is all this for? Why do I make this money? I'm just gonna die an unhappy soul. Why am I even doing this? So really connecting with that bigger picture and really understanding that this is an investment you make in yourself, you make in your happiness, you make in your joy, and you make in your goals, and you make in your life transformation. I can tell you one thing, one thing that connects all my successful clients, and you know, I have so many success stories, over 90 engagements in the last 2 years alone, and these are the reported numbers. Sometimes women don't come back to share their success. Sometimes they're not on Facebook, or they get out of touch. touch. But these are the recorded numbers, and what connects all these women, what connects all these clients, is that they took that first step that was hard. Because the first step is hard. Once you dive in and once you start, you're just gonna get used to this discomfort. You're gonna get used to this discomfort of investment, which is always uncomfortable, right? It's new. You don't know what the other side is looking You see all these other people who are successful, but your gremlins and your nasty voices tell you, oh, they can be successful, but I can't be successful. So, you know, it's like you're so good at talking yourself into things and talking yourself out of things. You tell yourself, this is for me, and then you let your fears and your nasty voices talk yourself out of it. Don't let that happen today. Become more self-aware. See your fears. fear for fear, not as a reality. Your fear is not your reality. Your fear is just a voice in your head trying to mess with your self-confidence, trying to mess up with your sense of what you can have and what you desire in life. It is not the truth. Fear is not the truth. Your greatness, your magnificence, your worthiness, your desires— that is the truth. And that is what I want you to go for. The big love, the grand love, the marriage, the children, Dream big! Dream big! And come step up for yourself and make that investment in yourself and make that choice to put yourself first, because from that space, everything changes. Everything, everything, everything. I am so looking forward to seeing who those women are going to be tonight, who are going to write me, who are going to reach out, who are going to sign up on that page. And I am so excited to be there for you and guide you into your journey of Grand Love over the next 8 months. I am not going to be offering working with me so extensively for 8 months ever again at this price point of $3K. It's an insane price, but it's also my way of giving back to the community, my way of trying to help more women, more and more women, and impact more lives and transform more lives, but it is also becoming increasingly clear to me that with the number of requests I have and the demand that there is, I am not going to be able to offer this kind of extensive support for 8 months ever again at this price point. So if you know that you wanted to work with me, if you know that I am that person who can help you, guide you into achieving all that you desire, today is the day. Sign up, reach out, I am so looking forward to seeing who you are, and I invite you into my world, where extraordinary love is possible, and it happens literally every single day for women like you. Take care, darlings. Bye!