In this YouTube monologue, Sami Wunder addresses women who find themselves attracted to men who are already married or in a committed relationship. She begins by normalizing the emotional pull, emphasizing that feeling attraction does not make a woman crazy or immoral. Wunder then differentiates between genuine connection and the fantasy that often fuels the attraction, explaining how the brain’s dopamine response to imagined interactions can create a painful illusion of intimacy. She warns that indulging in this fantasy can lead to emotional entanglement, harming both the woman and the man’s existing relationship, and cites her experience working with over 18,000 women in her ELEVATE coaching program to illustrate the typical outcomes—most of which end in emotional misery. Ethical considerations are highlighted through a “karma” lens, urging women to treat others as they would want to be treated. Finally, Wunder calls for self‑love and boundary setting, encouraging women to withdraw energy from unavailable partners and to focus on attracting emotionally available, healthy relationships. She promotes her ELEVATE program as a pathway to healing, offering a free consultation link.
Chapters
Today, let's talk about what to do when the guy you like is married or already has a partner. This is a sensitive topic that not many people talk about, but I know it happens for a lot of amazing, smart, in fact, even very self-aware women, where you find yourself feeling attraction, undeniable energy, connection, the spark, the electricity, with a guy who's probably already married or already has a girlfriend. Now, What do you do in this situation and how do you navigate it? Let's talk about it from a grounded, self-loving space. So I think the most important thing is to acknowledge the connection and not gaslight yourself. I think a lot of shame and moral judgment shows up for women when they are feeling that undeniable pull towards a guy who's already in a connection with another woman. What I'm going to say is that you are human and it doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't make you mad. It doesn't make you bad to feel what you're feeling. Because let's face it, marriage, boyfriend, girlfriend— these are parameters created by us human beings living in societies, and they're for our good, and they're for our welfare, no doubt about it. But connection with somebody, connection with another human, is just an undeniable part of energy. It's part of the 5D dimension. You know, it's not logic, it's heart. And when you feel it with somebody, you feel it with them. And I think the most important and healthiest thing a woman woman can do is to stop beating herself up and stop shaming herself for feeling the way she does. You're not mad, you're not crazy, you're human. And in fact, to feel and to want and to desire and to feel alive in somebody else's presence and to feel that chemistry and that connection is a beautiful gift. So let's acknowledge that and be nice to ourselves. Now, the second thing we do want to understand is, it's helpful to face the truth and to not live in a fantasy world. Now, I've been doing this for a And I've seen so many cases like this inside my ELEVATE group coaching program. And what we found is that it is very difficult for a woman in this situation to actually face that she could be in a fantasy relationship. Now, this is not to say that the connection and the energy you feel with this man is not real, but the truth is, you are not in a relationship with him. He is in a relationship with somebody else. He is married, he has a girlfriend, he has a long-term partner. And so, most of the times, it is the fantasy in our own head that is gathering the momentum, that is gathering the energy, that is making us feel like, oh my goodness, I'm so deeply emotionally attached. And it is not translated into real life. Because most women that I work with inside ELEVATE, when we're helping them heal, whether it be letting go of an emotionally unavailable connection like this, or starting dating again, to feel whole again, to attract an emotionally available man, what we find is that there is an addiction to the fantasy in the head, but it's not really translating into real life. So So it's not like most of these women are having full-blown affairs or anything. It's not like they're sleeping with the guy. It's not like they're constantly dating the guy. It's just in real life, it's mostly that there is flirtation, there is that spark, there is that energy, attraction, and the rest of it is in the head. So you might text flirtatiously, you might have a laugh together, you might even look at each other in the eye deeply, but then off he goes back to his home and you come back to your home, but you've Think about it all the time. And this is where it's so important to recognize that a lot of the attraction, the chemistry, is usually coming from this place of fantasy versus being rooted in reality. So if we want to move forward from a grounded, self-loving space, we have to be willing to acknowledge the fantasy that is in our head. And it's hard. It's hard because that fantasy gives us a dopamine hit. That fantasy— thinking about that guy, thinking about how he smiles, thinking about how good it feels when you guys flirt— It actually makes you feel good and it gives your brain a dopamine hit. So when you tell yourself, wow, I am imagining this in my head and that's why it's starting to feel so intense, and I have to accept the truth of what things really are— factually, he's married, he's in a relationship, and I am the single one sitting at home dreaming about him. This is not good. It is very difficult to accept this because it feels like a dream is breaking. It feels like that dopamine source you have, that chocolate that tastes so good, Somebody's taking that away from you. But it is almost like you have to go through that reality check, because if you keep fantasizing, if you keep thinking about this person, then it's not harmless. It actually is very harmful, because for you, the relationship starts to feel really real. The connection starts to feel really real. And when it will go away, or when reality will strike— at some point it will— then the pain from the withdrawal of that person will hurt as hard as a A breakup with a real relationship would hurt. And so my invitation is lovingly to really see the facts for what they are, that he is married, that he is not available, and have compassion for yourself, but also start to withdraw energetically as much as you can from this connection, which basically would look like not to give it so much headspace, because that fantasy that we build in our heads is actually causing us a lot of pain. Now, the third thing I want to say is that this could end up being an emotional And of course, it hurts you because he's not fully available, and it hurts him because it could jeopardize and destabilize his own relationship or marriage, which is not necessarily good karma to carry. So I understand how exciting it is to flirt with somebody you know you are feeling attraction towards. I understand how exciting it is to just send one more text, how exciting it is to look forward to when you see him in the office again, or when you see him out with your friends again. But this is really dangerous. territory, because we're feeding not just the attraction, we're actually feeding emotional entanglement. This is how we get emotionally deeper and deeper into something that is really not good for us. And this is where we have to, again, stop seeking that dopamine hit, that one more hit, one more text, one more message, one more story like, one more social media like. Of course, there is attraction. Of course, there is chemistry. Nobody's denying that. But we cannot unface the fact that this is not real. He's not available for anything real. And so this This emotional entanglement usually doesn't end well for both parties. You could go deeper in, you could continue it, but most likely, he will not leave his wife, he will not leave his girlfriend, and as a woman, this will leave you in the more vulnerable position. So these kinds of emotional entanglements, I know they feel very exciting and tantalizing while we're in them, but history shows, evidence shows, I've worked with 18,000+ women by now, it never ends well. I mean, there are those few rare cases cases where, yeah, you fell in love with a married man and he left everything for you. It does happen once in a blue moon, but in the majority of cases, it ends up in a bad, sad emotional misery for both parties involved, and it hurts people. It hurts you, it hurts him, it hurts the partner who is involved. So ideally, this is not a recommended track, and ideally, we don't want to just think of high value as being a woman who looks hot and a woman who attractive and can play a man. We want to think of high value as also a person who understands boundaries, who understands respect. And I always feel like in relationships, it's important to ask yourself, how would you feel tomorrow if you were in that wife or girlfriend's position? How would you feel if there was another woman who was texting your guy because she felt this undeniable attraction with him, and then she wanted to flirt with him, and then she wanted to take things to the next level? So I always like to treat people the way I would like to be treated, and I would I would personally never like to be in a position where somebody else is doing that to my man, and so I would never like to do that to another man, and I would never like to do that to another woman. This is like basic Karma 101. And this is, again, not to judge you, because the last thing I want to do is make a woman who's already feeling sad, bad, entangled, to make her feel worse about herself. So I do want to let you know that I understand the feelings you feel, and I don't think your feelings are wrong. I don't think this is about denying the connection, the charge, the electricity, The spark. But this is more about understanding that all of that is true, and yet you can decide to do something completely different with it. You can decide not to go deeper with it. You can decide not to pursue it. You can decide that every moment you waste on a man who's emotionally unavailable, you're actually stealing it from a man who could be the love of your life, who could be present to fully love you and be there for you. So that's the next thing I want to say, which is, you know, this is a classic emotionally unavailable guy. Now, of course, there are levels to affairs, and there are levels to emotional entanglements. Of course, we're talking a very different territory if you guys are meeting, if you guys are sleeping together. This is a very different territory, okay, of intensity. But what I'm addressing right now is more or less that fantasy connection, where, as a single woman, you are in your head in love with this guy, and it's not really going anywhere. He keeps dropping you breadcrumbs of attention. You keep feeding on those. You keep fantasizing, keep thinking, you know, If that woman is you, then my heart goes out to you because you deserve better, and you need to wake up to your own worth. You need to understand that why do you need to go for a married man if you could have a fully available, emotionally loving, kind, loyal, hot man? And that is what we help our clients do inside ELEVATE, because I think it requires a process of healing for any woman who's feeling intense attraction for a man who's not available. That is the way you choose men. That is the way you feel attraction. And this is the thing we need to heal, because otherwise, It's not about what this guy and your connection, it's about what this represents. This forbidden fruit energy that some of us enjoy when it comes to attraction, this energy of, I want what I can't have. This is the thing that needs to change in the way we are choosing love and in the way we are doing love. And that's exactly what we help our clients do inside ELEVATE, which is we help you become whole. We help you love yourself. We help you become healthier in what you feel attraction towards, who you feel attraction towards, and how you choose the partner for yourself. Because sitting at home fantasizing about somebody who's not really available is not love. It is self-abandonment. You are not being nice to yourself. You are literally depriving yourself of a full-fledged, sexy, hot, emotionally present, loving connection with a guy when you are choosing a man who can't give you all of those things. So I feel like this is a call to self-love. This is a call to stop abandoning yourself. And if you would like to inquire more about our services and how we can help you heal this, release this. One of the powerful modules we have inside ELEVATE is Take Your Power Back from any man who is making you feel awful, feel bad about yourself. And then we help you acquire the dating strategies and tactics to attract quality, emotionally available men. And then we show you how to use your feminine energy and how to use your boundaries and how to use the skill of building emotional attraction and connection with guys in order to attract a really healthy partner. So if that is something that is your ultimate goal, we'd love to be of service. Support, book a free consultation with my team, www.samiwunder.com/contact, and we'd be very happy to lay out our process for you and explore how we can help you get out of this situation. I send you love and healing, and I hope that you choose yourself. I hope that you choose your heart. I hope that you know you deserve an amazing, full love.
