When To Stay Or Leave A Relationship? Questions To Ask Yourself

Should you stay in your relationship or should you leave? This is the difficult question we're going to be addressing in today's video. Now, when a woman comes to work with me inside my Elevate Relationships group coaching program, she will often ask me, Sami, this man in my life has so many good sides to him, and he's so loving, and he's so kind, but then when he shows his bad sides, they are truly bad. Should I stay with him, Or should I leave the relationship? Now, in such a scenario, my coaching approach is to never decide for my client. I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that the best decisions in life come from within us, and especially something as intimate and as important as our personal relationship. This decision must come from within you. So I never decide for my clients. But the way I help them is by asking them a set of reflective questions. So what I'm going to do for you in this video today is ask you some of these reflective questions so that you can go back and contemplate and journal and ask yourself these questions to find more clarity about the direction you want to go in with regards to your man and your relationship. Hello and welcome! This is dating and relationship coach Sami Wunder, and I specialize in helping high-achieving, smart, strong, successful women attract and keep healthy romantic relationships. I've been doing this for the last 10 years, and I'm really good at what I do, with thousands of client success stories coming from my work. So first and foremost, I want to speak to you, the woman who is in this dilemma: should you stay or should you leave? And I just want to acknowledge that this is a really difficult and confusing place to be in. I know your man has good sides to him. I know there are good things in this relationship because you're smart. You wouldn't be in this relationship if it was only abusive or just clearly toxic. So the chances are that you're watching this video because you're confused as to whether or not you should stay or you should go, because his good sides keep pulling you back, but his bad sides keep pushing you away. So I get it, this is really hard, and I'm not claiming that this video is going to be the final video in your journey to your decision. But what I want this video to be is a helpful starting point for you to start thinking on these lines. And of course, if you need our help, to join me and work live with me inside ELEVATE. The link to the program is in the video description below. So the number one question I'm going to ask you to ask yourself is, am I happy, peaceful, and satisfied in this relationship Most of the time. What I'm trying to gauge here is, is the baseline good? Are you fulfilled and loved in this relationship for the most part? Because let's face it, even in the best of relationships, even inside a really loving relationship, there will be phases of high stress where couples may not get along or start to have more disagreements, or maybe kids enter the picture suddenly and the physical intimacy really goes down. So Every long-term relationship will have its phases, but the question really to ask yourself is, am I happy and fulfilled here most of the time, majority of the time? And by that, I mean 65% to 70% plus. If you're on the 65% to 70% plus, most of the time I'm happy, the relationship is peaceful, then you have a good baseline, and it might be a relationship worth working on. Now, of course, if you're dissatisfied and unhappy most of the time, if you feel like your needs are not met most of the time, if you feel like there is conflict most of the time, then this could be the red flag that you are in a relationship that may not be having a future that is bright. Second question that I ask my ELEVATE clients would be, if nothing ever changed in your man, would you be okay with that? So often, conflict is arising in relationships because we want to change our partner, or maybe they want to change us. And this can become a constant bickering, constant issue or reason for arguments between couples, so much so that it can overtake the entire relationship. So you have to ask yourself, what am I dealing with here? The faults in my man— and everyone has faults, right? You have faults, I have faults, everyone has faults. How big are the faults in my man? And what if nothing were to change about him ever? Could I still accept him? And I think it's a good question for the man to ask about you as well, because if he's on the bandwagon of trying to change you and trying to improve you, he also has to ask himself, if my partner would never change, would I still be able to accept and love her? If the answer is no, that's a very clear red flag. It means that you're hitting against something that is either a core value or a core way of being, and you can't accept it. So if he would not change, it's not acceptable to you. For example, constantly has female friends over and without your presence in the apartment, or maybe the way he flirts with his ex. These things could become really big in a relationship because sometimes they become the values that are clashing, and your values and his values are clashing. So you have to ask yourself, the thing that we're fighting about, The thing that I really want to see as a change, what if it never changed? Could I accept it? And if I can't accept it, then it's a red flag. It means this could be the reason why you decide to leave. Now, the next question I would ask my ELEVATE client would be, what is your core resentment? So there are many imperfections in a relationship. If today you asked me, Sami, what are the reasons you're unhappy with Chris? You know, I could say 1, 2, 3. And basically that means there are many small little things in long-term relationships that are annoying. Like, I feel really annoyed when my husband leaves the kitchen shelves open, and I must have told him like 5 times, 10 times not to do it, but he always forgets to do it. But is that something I would leave my relationship for? Of course not. So you have to look at the things that are bothering you, because there could be many things that are bothering you. But what I want you to think about is, what is your core resentment? If you could just complain about one thing, if you were sitting in front of me inside Elevate on a live call that we have every weekend in the program for 6 months. If you were talking to me and I asked you, what is your core resentment? There are many things that are wrong. There are many things that are not perfect. What's that one thing that really chews at you? One thing that really annoys you? One thing that if you could really change, you would love seeing it changed? That is the core resentment. And when we're looking at a core resentment, it must be resolved. It must be resolved because for whatever reason, that thing is really important to you. And Here, we have to communicate with our partners. And I know communication is difficult. I know so often when we communicate about what we want or what we need, especially in a relationship which is a bit on the rocks, so to speak, our partners don't receive that well, right? They get defensive, another fight ensues, another argument follows. And so it's quite possible that we are losing confidence in our ability to ask for what we want because we are not being met by our partner. So you may have been trying to resolve this core resentment with your partner. You may have already spoken about it with him, but it's not working because he's not listening. And he's not listening because of the way you're talking. And this is where I'm so proud to share that inside ELEVATE, we teach you these skills. We teach you how to communicate in a feminine way so that your man feels inspired to listen to you, he feels inspired to want to meet your needs. And I really believe that women should not be judging themselves if they don't have these skills of communication, because truly, nobody taught us this. We are taught algebra and geometry at high school and in universities, but nobody teaches us how to establish a healthy relationship, how to communicate in a healthy relationship. So I'm very happy to teach you those skills inside ELEVATE. Now, when it comes to the core resentment part, what is your core resentment? What is important is to ask yourself, am I willing to talk about it? Am I taking the responsibility to talk about it? Because what happens so often is we want our partners to read our minds, and that's not fair on our partners. So maybe you've tried talking, but the way you're talking is not landing, or maybe you're not talking. You have shut yourself down. This is not healthy. It is really important to take responsibility, to speak your part, to do your part in the process. And secondly, of course, you have to see, is he willing enough to engage with my core resentment? Does he want to solve it? Maybe he doesn't get it right, maybe he doesn't get it perfect, maybe sometimes I'm not articulate enough to explain it to him, but is he at least trying? Does he want to? So that willingness is what you're looking for. Because again, sometimes in ELEVATE, I would tell my clients, tell your husband you need this, or tell your boyfriend you need this, and then the husband or boyfriend would not get it perfect, and then the client would get disappointed. And that's when I come and say, no, don't judge the action by the action itself. Judge the action by the willingness that he's showing to try and improve. So is your partner trying? I think that's a really positive sign, and it means you should give the relationship a chance if there are many other things that are good. If your partner is at least trying to listen to you, is at least trying to meet your needs, and is showing that willingness to engage with the conflict. Now, the next question I would ask my ELEVATE client would be, do you trust this person and can they trust you? It's a big question. And in long-term relationships, trust is everything. Imagine the trust that goes into eating an apple. If suddenly I introduced the doubt that this apple could have poison in it, would you just have the confidence to pick it up and eat it? You wouldn't. And that's how romantic relationships are. Once doubt is introduced, either through flirting, disrespect, cheating, infidelity— once all of that happens and is in the equation, you introduce doubt, and it makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship. So you have to ask yourself, am I a trustworthy partner, or do I show up in ways where I disrespect my man, flirt with other men, I have deeper emotional connections with other men. I feel attraction towards other men, so I go out and flirt. I'm not saying you're doing this, but it is something to consider, because I think it happens both ways. And it's the same thing for the guy. Is he doing all these things? And is that breaking your trust? Because trust, once broken, is really hard to repair. And I think people take it too lightly. Sometimes people just go on Tinder and Bumble, And without telling their partner, they start talking to other men and women, and then they meet up with these men and women, and maybe they're just looking for a temporary rush or some temporary validation. But once the partner gets to know about this behavior, it's really hurtful, and it's really disrespectful, and it's again introducing that poison in the apple. And then every time you pick it up to bite, you're like, is it poisoned or is it safe to eat it? Just imagine the intensity of doubt there. So, If you can't trust your partner for whatever reasons— maybe he's cheated in the past, maybe he still flirts with other women, maybe he has lots of women on his phone and you don't see his phone, maybe he hides his phone— this is an issue, and this is a red flag, and this should make you consider leaving the relationship, because there is just not enough trust in this relationship. So I would ask, do you trust your partner, and do they trust you? Because of course, if they don't trust you, then they're going to be insecure all the time, they're going to be jealous all the time, they're going to possessive all the time, whether you've done something wrong or not. Sometimes in toxic relationships, people just have these qualities to them. They're jealous and they're controlling and they're possessive. So that's going to make your life miserable. So if you're with somebody who doesn't trust you, even though you've done nothing wrong, there is no reason for them to not trust you. This could, of course, again, be a red flag in the relationship and possibly a sign that you should consider leaving, because this thing is Very, very hard to change. Now, the next question I would ask you, if you were my ELEVATE client, would be, who am I when I'm with this person? Am I still my best self? Am I still, most of the time, my happy self, when I'm not stressed out or life is not being mean to me? Or am I becoming the worst version of myself? Do they bring out the worst in me? I'm controlling, I am jealous, I am nagging, I am complaining, I am constantly dissatisfied. I am constantly feeling on the edge. I am constantly feeling like I need to criticize them, parent them, judge them, show them their place. Are they bringing out the worst in me? And the same is also true for you, right? Maybe you are with a really good man, but you don't want to be nice to him. You don't feel enough attraction to respect him. So it's not always The other person bringing out your worst, but also sometimes you just not wanting to give somebody your best because you don't feel enough attraction for them. So this is also a painful situation to be in, and of course, it's much more nuanced. I know it's hard to leave a man just because you suddenly judge him, or you suddenly think he's not worthy of your respect. This is what we do inside the ELEVATE program— very personalized, intimate support— and we help you come to reasonable conclusions and decisions with the live coaching support that we provide you. Now it gets more and more interesting because we're now literally asking questions that are going to help us decide, should I stay or should I go? And give you clarity. So the first question here— this is a set of 3 questions I like to ask, which are really powerful before I end the conversation with such a client. So the first is, what are the consequences? What are the consequences of me staying? The worst consequences. And what are the worst consequences of me leaving? This really helps you understand which is better, leaving or staying. Because if the worst consequences are when you stay, then, oh my God, girl, you have to leave. But if the worst consequences are when you leave, and staying is actually not so bad, it may be worthwhile to work on this relationship. Again, something we're very happy to help you do Inside Elevate. Now, the second really important question I ask my clients is, which pain do you want to choose? There is pain in both decisions. There is a pain in staying. There is a pain in feeling like you're settling. There is a pain in feeling like you could have so much better. There is a pain in feeling like, do I not deserve anything better than this? There is a pain in fighting, in going to bed disconnected, There is a pain in having no sex, no physical intimacy. That's a huge red flag, by the way, if there is no physical intimacy. We can help you revive it inside Elevate, but really, your relationship needs support because it is not okay to go for weeks without having physical intimacy inside of a romantic relationship. So long story short, there is pain in staying, right? Like, there is pain in dealing with this person and the pain they activate in you. And then of course, there is the pain of going away. There is the discomfort of going away if you're living together, you're familiar, you have created a life together. There's the discomfort of all the financials, all the division. There's the discomfort of dealing with family, dealing with pressure from outside. There is the discomfort of making your own life again without this person. There is discomfort. There is pain on both sides. So I ask my client, which is the bigger pain? Or what is the pain you're willing to tolerate, right? Which is the pain you want to go through? Which is the pain that feels worth going through? And that will tell you whether you should stick around or you should be leaving this relationship. The last question I would ask you if you came to me with the question, Sami, should I stay or should I leave? Is, what do you feel when I say leave your relationship? Do you feel anxiety or do you feel You shouldn't overanalyze this question. You should just let your body talk to you. If you feel relief, that is quite a clear sign that you need to get away from your partner, even if not forever, even if not a permanent breakup. This is your body telling you, I need a break, I need some separation, I need some separate time. Maybe go away on a holiday by yourself. Maybe take a girls' weekend trip with your friends. Get some space. Because it clearly seems like the issues in the relationship are causing so much anxiety that it's feeling like a relief to get away from your partner. On the other hand, if you feel anxiety about leaving your partner, it makes me want to invite you to reflect. Can I work on this relationship? Can I work on the core issues we have? Can I become a better communicator? Can I learn to step up more in feminine in my relationship versus show up in my masculine? Can I take responsibility for at least the 50% part that is my responsibility in a relationship? And of course, ELEVATE is a great place to do that. For a full 6 months, you can work with me. You get 3 core means of support inside the program. One is my world-class Love Success Framework curriculum, which is where exactly with videos, such as these. You learn on all topics— sex, communication, intimacy, being a team, masculine, feminine— all of that is covered inside Elevate modules curriculum, which is about 20 hours, and we release a module every month or 2. Then there is a second element, which is weekly live coaching calls, where you can jump on calls and literally talk to me like this and ask your questions. And the third form of support in the program is our Facebook group where you can post your questions and basically get support from me and my team of trained relationship coaches 24/7. So lots of support inside, truly life-changing program. So many women have taken their relationships to the next level just with the help of doing ELEVATE. So if it's calling you, check out the link in the video description below. You can also book a call on samiwunder.com/call. I hope this video was helpful. If it was, don't forget to give me a like, leave me a comment. I love you all, and I will see you next week again.