Lessons in Empathy, Understanding, and Breaking Limits

Me too.

Hey, guys, we're back and about to get started. Okay, let's take our seats and get started. We're gonna get started in.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

All right. I wanted to tell a story really quick, and I didn't plan to do this, and I honestly don't know.

If it's what I think it is. But one thing that Tom Hill teaches everyone that he has ever coached is to always carry two 100 bills in your purse or your wallet. Why is that? Because you never know when you have the opportunity to have an impact.

Or literally to save someone, but you're always ready to. And I started doing that as soon as I met Dr. Hill, and he taught me that. So I've given several $100 bills away to strangers, but there was one that just. I didn't think a whole lot about it, to be honest with you, until I was talking with Wes last night.

So I just thought the need to share it based on everything that just happened. So I was on my way to the Houston Summit five years ago, and I like to drive. I was in my Jeep, and I was at a actually very nice hotel halfway in between. And I was sitting at the bar. It was late at night, 10, something like that. And there was a woman sitting at the end of the bar.

And she just looked in distress, and she had a glass of water. And Mike was with me at the time, and he is.

Was.

I'm a little more sociable now, but he is the kind of guy that would walk up and talk to anybody. And so he just started engaging with her. And the bodily stress in her eyes.

You could just see.

And so just started asking her questions. And she was like, what are you doing? Are you here for business? Or just like, well, I'm out of a bad relationship.

And like, oh, are you staying at the hotel? I'm not sure. I'm waiting for someone. And she kept looking at the door at the front of the hotel, and it was just not right. Something was not normal. And I was like, oh, is someone coming to stay with you? And she kept looking at the door, and she was like, maybe. And I said, but did you drive? She's like, no, I don't have a car.

And it was just off. It was so off. And I honestly didn't think much of it because I was unaware of some of the things that I had learned. But I had a hundred dollar bill in my pocket, and I just walked up to her because we were going up to the room for the night because we Had a long drive the next day. So I walked over to her and I just slipped it into her hand and I said, I don't know if this will do anything for you, but please. And she looked at it and she just sobbed and she fell into my arms.

I didn't get her name. She looked at the front door of the hotel, she got up, she walked out another door on the other side of the hotel, and that's the end of the story. I don't know what happened to her. I don't know who she is. But when you told me last night that this happens in hotels mostly I just thought of that story and I'm like, oh my gosh, did that happen? Was that. I don't know. But that's one of the things that Tom Hill teaches. I know there's other people in this room who have very profound stories, like hundred dollar bills. That's just one. Anyway, I want to now introduce our next speaker. And so Chris did not introduce me to this woman because we are both older than Chris, but she is also part of my family and she, just like everyone else, is spectacular. She's a little nervous because she said she shared with me this group is out of her element. I said, this is an amazingly friendly audience and you have a very profound message. You are going to do beautifully. So please know that these people all are holding you up and lifting you up. All right, our next speaker. My. Are you my step cousin? What is this? My step cousin in law. I don't know.

Our family is so strange. Like many of yours, I know. Our next speaker has dedicated over 30 years to studying behaviors and making a profound impact in the field of special education. As an educator, advocate and consultant, she's helped countless individuals understand their behaviors and those of others. That scares me a little bit.

Fostering a more inclusive and understanding world. Shelley lives by the timeless wisdom of Shakespeare. We know who we are, but not who we will be. This belief fuels her passion for empowering others to embrace personal growth and transform their lives. Please join me in welcoming the beautiful and true champion of change and understand Shelly Keena.

Sandy gave away my secret. I am nervous. Typically, as she said, I speak to educators and I speak to groups of people who work with youth in some fashion. I don't typically speak to C suite people and business moguls and. And so I really hope that what I have to say today will come across in a way that will impact your life and help you better understand yourself and why you do what you do, but also why Everyone around you does what they do. How many of you are parents?

Sweet. All right, so that's going to help a lot of my talk because a lot of what I say definitely can be applied to your parent child relationship. But this is truly a talk about understanding behaviors, lessons for a lifetime. Everything that I'm going to talk to you about in the next hour, or possibly less if I can speak fast, is to help you get along better, have a better understanding. It works with your neighbors, it works with your co workers, it works with your family members, your church members, whomever you're dealing with. It helps meeting the stranger on the street. Sandy's example of recognizing the behaviors of the woman in the bar fits well into what I'm going to talk about. So, as she said, I live by this belief we know who we are, but not who we will become. But I didn't always live by that belief. From the time I was nine years old, I absolutely 100% knew that I was going to be a primary general education teacher. And you're thinking, okay, that's no big deal, but that's what I'm doing right now, right? I'm a primary elementary teacher of general education students. No. All through high school, I did things to pursue elementary education. In college, I declared my major as elementary education. I started college. I finished up my degree, but my degree ended up being in special education with a separate endorsement for elementary education.

I always thought from the time I was nine, I was going to be a teacher. Never did I imagine I would be doing this right now, standing in front of all of you as a speaker. Never did I ever imagine that I would be a published author. But I am a published author. Never did I think that I would live overseas or work with thousands and thousands of teachers, but that's what I'm doing. And while I was learning all of that, throughout my special education career, I saw a lot of people have limiting beliefs, specifically towards those who have disabilities. But I had those beliefs as well at one time. And I also have and have had busted through limiting beliefs about myself.

And other people and what their abilities and their limitations might be. But it's not just me. It's every person in this room. You all have limiting beliefs about yourself, about others. And so I'm going to help you understand, or at least I'm going to try to, where that comes from and how we get there.

So first of all, before I talk about that, I would like you all to stand for just a second and I would like you to put Your arms over your head in the shape of an O like this.

Sandy, the standing ovation is for you.

Thank you so much for putting this summit together.

Thank you for all behind the scenes. For those of you who are not speakers and haven't seen all the work that she's put in behind the scenes, it's immense. And so I so appreciate the opportunity to honor you for that and to be able to be one of the speakers here today. Now let's see if I can make this work. All right, so as I said, we all have these beliefs. Where do these beliefs come from? They come from such a variety of sources, it's difficult to list out every single one. But the main ones are here on your screen. First of all, we have 70,000 thoughts a day. And for women, almost all those thoughts come out from our mouth. But not for men.

As we know, women speak, tend more often speak more than men. We also are processing 74 gigabytes of information every single day. The reason that the border is someone with a clicker is because that's the equivalent of 16 movies that we process every single day. So think about that for a second. 16 movies, average movies an hour and a half to two hours. If you literally sat and watched 16 movies in a day, you wouldn't get sleep, and it wouldn't be possible, because an hour and a half, 16, that's 24, or 16 times two is 32. We do this every single day. We process that through our eyes, through our ears, our smells, our taste, and our touch when we are looking at that type of information daily, which, by the way, 500 years ago, the most learned person would have processed that much in an entire year. So to show you the difference from where we were to where we are, and it's only getting worse.

So we also have these things called cognitive biases. When our brain is processing that 74 gigabytes of information every day, it has to figure out what to do with it and has to figure out what to do with it quickly because there's another bit of information constantly flowing in. And so it takes information and it connects it to other things that we have experienced or that we have gone through or that we have thought. And it tries to make kind of like a file. As we know, our brains are the supercomputer. And when you think about all the data that you have in a computer, that's what your brain is doing. So it puts all of these things together, and then we form biases. Some biases are very helpful. Other biases not so much. So I want to talk to you a little bit, and this is where I have to look at my notes, because there's depending on the research that you look for, there's a dozen or two dozen types of cognitive bias, and not so much that the name of the bias is important for you to remember, but the definition, and that's the part that I really want you to get. We have something called the active observer bias, and this is one that I've said for many years, is us judging ourselves by our intentions, but other people by their actions. And the attentional bias is paying. No, I'm sorry. The actor observer bias is allowing excuses for our own behavior based on our intentions while judging others. So if you get upset because some family member hasn't called you in a long time, have you called them? Your intention was probably to call them, but this came up and that came up, and you got busy and you got distracted and you might feel hurt because that person hasn't called you in a long time, but you don't think about it from the other way. I haven't called them either, and I'm upset with them for not calling me, but I'm not upset with me for not calling them. I'm looking at my intentions, someone else's actions. There's attentional bias, which is paying attention to certain facts while ignoring others. So I have a friend who many years made this statement to me, and it's stuck with me ever since. Clouding reality with facts. There are so many people who get very upset when we cloud their reality with actual facts because their reality is what they want to pay attention to, not what's really going on. Confirmation bias. I think that one kind of explains itself, but just in case it. It's when you seek out people, news articles, social media, et cetera, or you just automatically pay attention to items that confirm your beliefs. Right now, we are in a political battle, and depending on where you sit in that realm, you're going to tend to look for more people or more ideas that match what you already believe.

If you hear something about another part of the political realm that you don't agree with, you're more than likely going to agree that that's bad and that's wrong. But if you're part of your political belief, did that, your political person did that, you might go back to that actor observer bias and be like, well, they had reasons. It was for this, it was for that. And you can turn some of that into good stuff just because of wanting to confirm Your own biases and also the biases of those around you. The halo effect. It's when you tend to use your overall impression of someone when making judgments on their character. For an example, when interviewing candidates for a position, you may view one potential employee as more worthy because they're put together, neat appearance. Even though somebody else might actually have had the necessary skills you were looking for, you chose to hire the other person because they seemed more put together and maybe seemed like they put more time into coming in for that interview. Then you have optimism and pessimism biases. Optimism is you think that chances of you falling for or having bad luck are very, very minimal. You don't think anything bad can happen to you. I don't really know people that have that one. They may portray themselves as having that bias, but deep down inside I don't think they really do. Then you have the pessimism bias, which this one I think more people have, which is that you think something negative is going to happen to you. I'm falling into that today. I will be 100% honest with you. I have been so worried about this talk today that I was upset last night and I kept thinking, Sandy said there's going to be a stage, what if I fall? Because I don't normally wear my stilettos. And so I was like, what if I fall? I'm going to fall. What if while I'm standing there I knock over the table and I just started running through all these scenarios of things that could happen today while I was talking to you. Not that I necessarily believed they would happen, but just thinking about all the bad things that could happen. A self serving bias. If something good happens to you, that's exactly why it should have happened. Because, for example, you and your team win an award at work and you feel like, well, of course we did because I was on the team. But the opposite happens. Also, if you and your team didn't win the award, it wasn't your fault. It was everybody else's fault because they didn't put in as much effort. If they had put in as much effort as you had put in, or if they had put in as much time as you had put in, you guys would have won the award. But it's not your fault. You didn't do it. It was somebody else's fault. I'm hearing a lot of chuckles on that one. I think some people in this room may have experienced that. And the last one that I'm going to talk about by name is called the availability. Heuristic in this case, you're using information that you can recall easily and quickly to make a decision. So this is one that I just recently discovered my son and my future son in law is dealing with and has been dealing with since he was about 8 years old. And he's. I'm glad that most of you don't know him. There will be a few of you who will meet him at some point along the way. But we just had their bridal shower and we played a game where it was asking my daughter, the bride, who what does she know about her future husband? And so I sat down with Noah and I asked him a whole bunch of questions. And a question that his mom wanted me to ask him was, is there a food that you absolutely will not eat and why? She knew the answer to this, but she wanted to know if Violet knew the answer to this. And so I asked him and he said, yes, I won't eat meatloaf. I said, okay, is it a texture thing? What is it? And he goes, no. When I was about eight years old, we had meatloaf for dinner. And that night a horrible tornado came through our town.

His brain, at 8 years old, connected meatloaf to the tornado. Why the meatloaf and not whatever vegetable they had or the potato they had or whatever else was happening on that day? I have no idea. But that's just what his brain did. It connected meatloaf and tornadoes. Now he lives in Springfield, Illinois. They've had other tornadoes come through since 2006 when that one went through. And they didn't have meatloaf that night because, you know, he's not going to eat it. So it takes intentionality to break those cognitive biases. I have the availability heuristic when it comes to going to a certain pool in a local town near me was actually the town that I grew up in, not the town that I live in now. I cannot go into that place because when I was seven years old, I was taking swimming lessons and my swimming lesson director was probably 16 or 17 year old local swim instructor, lifeguard at the pool. I was doing horribly. To this day, Christopher and Sandy know that I don't swim. I don't get into pools. I might get into them, but I don't actually swim. And the reason is when I was in that pool that day and I was doing horribly, it was the first day of lessons, I wouldn't put my face underwater. I even some of the other things that they tried to teach me that day, I just, I didn't do them very well. For some reason, I seem to have a fear of water already. I was sitting on the side of the pool and I was crying because I wanted to make my swim instructor happy, but I could not put my face under the water. So I was crying and. And she was. She finally grabbed my. Both of my arms and yanked me under the water. I was crying. The water went in my eyes, my nose, my mouth. She probably held me there for a second or two, but to me it felt like an eternity. I now dread and cannot. I've not in a whole lot of years.

Gone back to that pool. I had gone to the outside of it. My nephew was in a swim team, and so I went to the outside of the pool and watched him. But I cannot go into the pool because that comes back to me. I have a fear now of if I don't feel like I can move my arms to get out of something, that's because of what happened to me that day. I'm working on that. I'm trying to change that limiting belief. And I've tried to change the limiting belief about swimming for all of these years. Bless my husband's heart. He's tried to teach me. And he's like, you fight the water. He's like, you're. You look like you're in a battle with the water. Like, yeah, I don't trust it. I don't like it. So. So we have all of these different biases. And somewhere along the way, I have the bias against people with special education needs. I don't know where it came from. The only thing that I can think about is that when I was going through school, the law first came out about special education and kids being educated in the school systems. We didn't know what to do with them. And in some places, we still don't know what to do with our students who have special education needs. And so we put them in a corner, in a room, in a closet, down an empty hallway that nobody went by. When I was in third grade, I didn't notice those kids. And the law was in place at that time. And when I was in eighth grade, my school was K 8. I never saw those kids. I was going back to that third grade room where I had been taught and felt like I was going to be a teacher. And I noticed this hallway, and I noticed this little closet in the hallway. And I asked the classroom teacher, I was like, what's that closet for? How come I've never noticed it before? And she said, that's where the special ed kids go. And I think in my head, I felt like if they're separate from me, I must not be able to have anything to do with them. I must not have anything in common with them. I won't have any empathy for them. Now, as I said, I never wavered, going through my younger ages about being an elementary teacher. The thought had occurred to me to be a special education teacher. And every time the thought occurred to me, I was like, no, I can't teach those kids. I won't have something in common with them. I won't. I'll have. I'll feel sorry for them all the time. I'll never hold them to high enough standards. I won't be able to provide them what they need. But I thought for sure I could provide general education, primary students, what they needed. It's the other thing that I think. Sorry. The other thing that I think I noticed, and I've realized over the years, is that my parents were a very inclusive family. They never said no to anybody coming to our house. They never said no based on somebody being in a different religion, someone being a different color skin, someone being in a different socioeconomic status. We didn't have anybody that we knew, though, that I was aware of that had special education needs. They didn't teach me to look down on or think less of, but they also didn't teach me not to do that.

And we have to be aware of that as parents. What are we teaching our kids? Are we directly teaching them certain things? We're always indirectly teaching them, how do you treat other people? How do you behave in certain situations? They're watching you to learn and develop their beliefs. We also have systems of meaning, and that's where all of that comes in. Systems of meaning is basically all the things that you grew up with. You're looking at your community. How did your community respond to you? You're going to think however your community was to you as a kid, at the community that you live in now as an adult. What political beliefs did your family have? What religious beliefs? All of those are our systems of meaning. So our systems of meaning, cognitive bias. All the bits of information that we process every day and all the thoughts that we have every day are what make up our beliefs. It's not just what's happening in the past or what happened in the past. It's also what's happening now, right now. Some of you are thinking, I don't know why I'm listening to this woman. And others of you are like, wow, I'M really getting into what this woman has to say. Whichever way it is, that's one of those 70,000 thoughts. And your brain is trying to figure out what it has to do with that bit of information. What is behavior?

Did I go the right way? Yes, I did. Okay. When I looked up behavior, just to get a technical definition, these were the three things that came up. The way in which one acts or conducts oneself especially towards others. The way in which an animal or person acts in response to a particular situation or stimulus. Or this one's probably the best one to have. The way in which a natural phenomenon or a machine works or functions. So of those three definitions, the top one being one, the second one being two, the bottom one being three. What do you think would be the easiest definition to deal with? Just hold up your hand with the number that you think. Got a one. I got a one. Got some ones. Got some ones. Okay. Some of you are still thinking, which behavior definition do you think would be the easiest to deal with? Three. Okay, three. Got some threes. All right. I personally think three would be the easiest because then no matter what you did, you would always get the same result. No matter who you said something to. If you said it to 12 people, they would always have the same response, but that would also be very boring.

We would never have the creativity that we have in today's society if we always had behavior number three. Our behavior definition number three. We typically have and deal with the first two. We need to figure out how we're going to work within definitions 1 and definition 2. Our behaviors are the communications of all of our beliefs, every single thing we are doing every moment of every day. And not only what you're doing every minute of every day, but what everyone around you is doing every minute of every day. Where do those. Sorry, I have a story I want to tell you. Sorry. Another thing that plays into behaviors is what we say to one another and how we say it. So an example is my husband and I just recently drove down to New Orleans for a conference. And on our way down there, we were in Arkansas, and I saw a sign for Jonesboro exit. And I was driving, and he was doing something on his phone, so he didn't know where we were. And I said, jonesboro. Is that where the ranch was that we went to? And he was like, aren't we in Missouri? I said, no, we're in Arkansas. He goes, no, it's not in Arkansas. It's in Texas. I was like, what? We've never visited Texas. What are you talking about? I said, you know, he goes, jim Jones, Jonesboro. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about Horseshoe Canyon Ranch, the ranch that our family went on a vacation to in 2008 with horses and trail riding and rock climbing. I don't know what you're talking about. He was like, jim Jones, you know, the whole drank the Kool Aid thing. And I was like, okay, yeah, no, We've been married 32 years. We're in a car together. If he and I aren't on the same page, how do you expect you and your co workers or you and a stranger to be on the same page about what you're thinking and what you're talking about? So all behavior is communication and it's personal.

So this is a question that I ask educators, and you guys are getting the easy version because I'm giving you all the answers. They have to come up with the answers. I normally do this with educators for a couple of hours, and it's much more interactive, but it is personal. Who do you think it's personal to? I will ask you that question.

Do you think it's personal to the person giving the behavior or having the behavior or going through the behavior or. Or do you think it's personal to the person receiving the behavior? It's kind of both. But mostly it's personal to the one giving the behavior. It's personal to them because they are struggling with all of those beliefs, those systems of meaning, those cognitive biases. And we're going to find out here in a little bit all the other things that behavior could be communicating, it feels personal to those of us receiving the behavior. Almost everybody in here raised your hand that you were a parent. When your kid is screaming at you and telling you they hate you and you're the worst parent, they don't mean that they are upset at the situation that they are going through in the minute. Whether you caught them doing something and you're punishing for them for that. They're mad at the fact that they got caught. They're not mad at you. It feels like it, but they're really not. They are processing. They are going through something. At the very. Almost the very end of this, I have a slide that I will show you that that shows our cognition abilities. When we are in the height of arguing the communication behind the behavior, what is it expressing? These are just a few examples. There are literally as many things that could be expressed by behavior as there are people on the planet.

These are the most known ones. So I want to talk to you a little bit about that. How many of you, this has been a while ago, saw the commercial for the Snickers bar, the candy bar with Betty White.

Couple of you. All right, so I need to explain the commercial. Then there's this. I think it was a football scenario. And they're in the huddle and Betty White is just complaining and whining and just having a really big fit about what was going on. And finally one of the other people hands her a Snickers bar. She turns back into the person she's really supposed to be on this football team, whoever the. The player was really. And they were insinuating that her behavior, his behavior, was based on the fact that he was hungry. How many of you have been hangry?

Yeah, most everybody at some point, right? So hunger is definitely something that makes somebody's behavior change. And a lot of times you don't even know it when you've been hangry. Have you always known it? Have you always known that you're crappy with somebody because you're hungry? You were just crappy with somebody. You were short sighted with the waiter or the waitress because they didn't get your food to you fast enough and you were hungry and you wanted it, and you wanted it right now. It could also be because of being tired. How many of us have had bad days when we haven't slept well the night before?

Most of us probably have experienced that at some point. So that is why the behavior is personal to the person exhibiting it. Because it wasn't someone else's fault that you didn't sleep. It might have been, but they were snoring. I don't know anybody who does that, but it's what you're dealing with, embarrassment. Okay. My communication this morning hopefully is not showing you that I have a fear of being embarrassed up here. I think the other speakers, whether they admit it or not, probably have a little bit of that as well. They may not have it as much as I have it today. Just because you guys are probably more their realm that they speak to on a regular basis where you aren't my normal group of people to speak. Speak to, but that's a big thing. Who wants to be embarrassed and who wants to be embarrassed in front of colleagues? Yeah, no hands go up for that one. Nobody wants that. We also have skill deficit. Even as adults, we have skill deficits. Those can be academic. It could literally be that you just didn't go very far in school. And along the way, you were taught that because you didn't go very far in school, you won't be successful. And you have that running through your head. You may have only had basic level math in high school. Some of you have had to have more math levels in high school because of the age that you are. But others of us who went to school in the 1900s didn't have to have as much math. If I have somebody who comes up to me and wants me to do some trigonometry type skills, beyond me, I. I've got a skill deficit. Emotional.

All of us have struggled since the pandemic to deal with people again because we were away for people from people for so long. Even if you were one of the types of companies that your employees still came to work, you were masked, you were separated, you, you weren't supposed to be interacting with each other. So many of us have forgotten. And our kids, some of our kids didn't learn to be social. I have a great niece who cannot go into large groups because she was her first two or three years of life were during the pandemic. And she had a great niece who cannot go into large groups because she was her first two or three years of life or during the pandemic. And she wasn't in around anybody but her immediate family. So she has to be taught. We may have to teach people or reteach people how to be social, how to be emotionally. In education, we call this regulated, emotionally regulated. If you're not emotionally regulated, you're disregulated. Many of us go through our days dysregulated. We may not show it on the outside, but we are dysregulated on the inside.

We have trauma.

Trauma is something that a lot of people don't like to talk about, but it is happening. There was a study in 2012 or 2013, I normally have the statistic on my slides that said one in 16 children had a score of four or more on the adverse childhood effect scale. Scale. And if you have a score of four or more, your life has been very rough. So those kids from 2012 or 13, whenever that study came out, are now the adults in your companies. They're now the adults that are your co workers or now the, maybe the adults that you live with. It could be your spouse thinking of, okay, the adverse childhood effects are things like death of a family member, drug and alcohol use, abuse, sexual, physical or verbal abuse, criminal activity in the home, homelessness, things of that nature. Those things can be overcome 100%. But some people have more difficult time overcoming those things. And when you have people in your workplaces and they are struggling with something to say to another person, not to the one who's struggling. I thankfully, actually I've had people tell me this has been said to them, get over it.

Don'T bring it to work.

Would you say to someone who has cancer, get over it, don't bring it to work?

We wouldn't do that. At least I hope we wouldn't do that. It isn't necessarily going to come out in every behavior that they have, but some days they may have to deal with their trauma. Something could trigger them, a sound, a sight, a smell.

And they're going to be upset, they're going to be bothered, and they may not be up to their normal performance on that day. If that's the case, try not to say something like, let it go or don't be bothered by it. I'll be honest. My husband was trying to be helpful this morning and he said to me, stop being nervous.

I wish it was that simple. It is not that simple for me. I am a Christian and I was very much giving it to God all the way here and I was listening to my Christian Music, 99.1 Joy FM. I don't know if any of you know that station. I was also, we have another station in Southern Illinois, that's wbgl. I was listening to that as well, switching back and forth. I couldn't just get over it. Even right now, my hands are still sweating. I am still nervous about being up here. Now, something that I've learned, and I need to do better about this because I just messed it up, is we have the same feelings for nervousness as we do excitement. It's our brain that chooses what label we give it. So I'm excited to be here. I am not nervous. I am excited to be here. And I tried to tell myself that all the way here and worked with confidence.

Thank you.

Some of the other things that we talk about anxiety, oh my gosh, as I've already mentioned, I have anxiety, as I'm sure you figured out. That was the name of what I'm dealing with. But lots of people have anxiety and it manifests differently. So many people for so many years thought, oh, it was just the twirling of the hair or the picking of some at yourself, your skin or your nails or whatever. It's not. My heart is racing. You can't see, at least I hope not, that my heart is racing, that my hands are sweaty, that I am in my brain going, you're doing okay. You're doing okay. You're doing okay. It's all going good. You're doing fine. I'm constantly reinforcing what I'm saying right now and saying it's okay. They're listening. Some of them are listening. Some of them are not listening. That's okay. I think pretty much everybody's listening. If you're not okay, I'm. I really am okay with that. I just don't want to let Sandy down, to be perfectly honest. That has been my fear is I don't want to let Sandy down. And you see that fear is another thing that drives behavior. Fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of losing love, fear of a million and one other things that it could be lack of safe feelings. How many of you, and I don't want you to raise your hand for this one. How many of you feel safe at work every day when you go to work now? We have had how many shootings? How many mass shootings? We've had a pandemic. We've had illnesses. We have a crazy political system. Right. Our system going on right now with the election coming up.

That'S going to affect what you're doing, that's going to affect how you're doing things. So there's lots of ways that behavior is communicating lots of different things, and it's up to you to try to figure that out for yourself, but also to try to figure it out for other people. Oh, another fear is looking bad. I just realized that my hair is straight. I intended to curl my hair this morning, but remember I told you we went to New Orleans last week? Guess where my curling iron is?

Yeah. Went to get it out of the closet this morning. My quirks, my curl. I looked all through the house and I was like, oh, not only did I lose my curling iron, but I lost the base to all of my curling wands. So for all of you ladies who curl your hair, you know how many things I lost by just losing one piece of hardware? Typically, I am the most difficult person to offend because I understand behaviors. That wasn't always the case. I used to be offended pretty frequently, and I worked so hard never to offend. But I have realized now that to offend. And again, I looked up. The definition is a violation of the victim's sense of what is proper.

The victim's sense. So that would be me. That would be you. If somebody upsets you. It's your sense of what is proper or fitting when you Take offense. That's an action. You are doing something.

I don't take offense because that just weighs me down. It's a negative energy. It's a negative feeling, and I don't want to deal with that. I understand that it's somebody's personality. I understand that it's one of those million things that are causing them to behave that way or act that way or say that thing in that moment. And so to take offense, again, it's to become angry or upset, to become. You're choosing to do it now? I'm sitting here or standing here and thinking, oh, there are some people in here who are like, whoa, that was cold to my head. I'm not choosing to be offended. I am offended all the time because of this or that or the other thing. It is our choice. It really is our choice. Now, just like me being nerve excited. Excited all the way here, that's my choice. I have the choice to look at something differently. So speaking of looking at things, I want to hold something up for you. Hopefully I don't spill things here. All right, on the count of three, I want you to tell me what you see, and I'm going to tell you what I see. 1, 2, 3, 9. Okay, let's try it again. All right, what do you guys see? 1, 2, 3, 9. All right, Sandy, can you come up here for a second? Because your people are scaring me. Sandy, can you come around here? What?

Do I have a nine?

I have a nine. Okay, So I want you to. Now we're gonna look at it this way. You have. You all saw a six. Thank you. Thank you. The point of this, you probably figured out, is the perspective change. Two things can be equally correct. I saw nine, you saw six upside down, nine.

We have to try to change our perspective instead of taking offense. We can look at something from different angles. We can look at something from someone else's perspective. We can come alongside them like Sandy did and figure out why is it that you see it this way, but I see it that way?

Now, my example was silly and you all pretty much picked up on it right away. But if you don't believe me that that happens, think about a sporting event where the game is very close and, sorry, I'd like to quit.

The game is very close, and this actually happened in the.

2000 Super Bowl. I think it was with the Rams, and I don't remember who they were playing against, but there was a long pass and the person was tackled right at the field goal line. Now, of course, the People on the side of the team that they wanted to win, so that was a field or touchdown. The other side said, no, it wasn't. We all saw the same thing. How did we get two different views, two different answers? Because we saw what we wanted to see. So we have to be careful in our perspective and in looking at others perspectives that we actually have an open mind about what their perspective might be. Who made you stand up earlier? I don't have that power. If I had that power to make you stand up or anybody stand up, I would be the most sought after and scared person, scared of person in the world. You made a choice. How many of you started clapping?

A few of you started clapping and then others started clapping.

How many of you sat down?

Eventually, all of you sat down. Did I ever tell you to sit down?

No. So if I had the power over your behavior, you would all still be standing.

With your hands above your head in the shape of an O. Exactly. Unless you were one of the ones who had started clapping, then you would still be clapping. But we all chose. I shouldn't say we. You all chose for whatever reason because I asked you and you wanted to make me happy. You wanted to help me out because you have a societal pressure of, oh, okay, those guys are standing. I better stand up. Have you ever been to a Catholic mass if you're not Catholic?

Okay. My husband and I went to church one time with his grandfather and we. I grew up Catholic and. And we always tease and say it's like Catholic calisthenics as you're standing, sitting, kneeling, standing, sitting, kneeling. And there was a time now that the Catholic Church, they kind of switch, I think in the 2000s of how they do things. And we were sitting with his grandfather, he was right behind us, and something came up in the service and my husband and I didn't stand up immediately. And his grandfather went, stand up. Okay.

But it was because he told us to. Everyone else, we were like up in the front of the church. Everyone else had already stood. If somebody had the power to make us stand, we would have done it without having to be told and without making the choice. We could have chosen to sit down and stay seated and fear grandpa, which it's also Christopher's grandpa, so he can tell you grandpa was a scary guy. So each person is responsible for their own actions. That doesn't mean I can't have empathy for them. That doesn't mean that when they're coming at me and they're saying negative things to me or I've Said something that they react negatively to that I can't empathize with them. Empathy is coming alongside and trying to feel what the other person is feeling. We need to have more empathy in our world. We have too much. This is the way I'm doing it and I don't care about what you say. So again, you guys are gonna offense equals action. It's your choice. So you guys are gonna get the answers on this one. Normally I ask my educators. Behaviors are blank or blank and they give me things like positive and negative, good or bad. They don't usually come up with wanted or unwanted unless they have a child who's eligible for special education or they've been at one of my workshops before. Why do I say behaviors are wanted or unwanted instead of bad or good? Because, for example, some people have pointed out my shoes and the way that I'm dressed today. My wanted behavior on a Friday morning is jeans and a T shirt and tennis shoes because I work at home. But I knew coming into this environment that your wanted behavior, because you're all professionals, would be dressed up. So I wanted to honor what I believed was your wanted behavior. And thankfully, I haven't fallen over yet. And I'm really proud of myself for that because I've been up here for 45 minutes and I haven't fallen and I have not passed out either. I haven't locked my knees. So all those things are going through my head as I am talking to you. Like, don't lock your knees because you're going to pass out. So understanding that maybe you have at your business an open door policy for employees to come into you if you're at the level where they would want to come and talk to you, but at another company, no, you have to make an appointment. It's not that one is wrong and one is right. It's that it's a preferred behavior for that. That supervisor having paid time off versus having unlimited time. Different behaviors, wanted and unwanted. It's not that one is wrong or that one is right. It's that it's a preferred or a wanted behavior.

When you're thinking about your children and getting wanted behaviors from them, we have to be very careful of how we explain what we want from them. That's first and foremost is you have to explain it. Don't just say be respectful. Because I could ask 10 people in this room what be respectful means and they would give me different answers. So what is your version of be respectful? What is your version of be kind? What is your version of be punctual, Is it showing up on time, or is it showing up 10 minutes early? My daughter's band instructor in college was, you show up 10 minutes early, you're on time. You show up on time, you're late. She didn't have that in her job, but that was what she needed to do for her band instructor. It was his desire. It was his wanted behavior. So knowing what the difference is between wanted and unwanted behaviors, consistent actions create consistent results. So when you do the same thing over and over and over again, guess what? You're going to get the same result that works both positively and negatively. If you're always giving positive, specific praise to your employees or your co workers or your family members or your kids, you're going to continue to see that kind of behavior. There's a professor, Richard van Acker from the university of Illinois, Chicago, and he says the more attention you pay to a behavior, the more of that behavior you're going to see. So my example for that is I just recently got a different car, and in doing my research to buy the car, I really hadn't seen many of them on the road. I knew my uncle had one, but that was really the only one. Now I see them everywhere. How many of you have done that when you've purchased a car or on the road? I knew my uncle had one, but that was really the only one. Now I see them everywhere. How many of you have done that when you've purchased a car or you've purchased a house and you had some special thing in your house that you thought was awesome and nobody else had it, and now suddenly every car car you see has you've purchased a house and you had some special thing in your house that you thought was awesome and nobody else had it, and now suddenly every car you see has the same color or is the same kind of car, or every house you go into has that same dormer or that same color of siding or same. The same color or is the same kind of car, or every house you go into has that same dormer or that same color of siding or same style of brick or whatever it is, your brain said, oh, we like this. We're paying attention to this. So now I look brick or whatever it is, your brain said, oh, we like this. We're paying attention to this. So now we start to recognize it. And not that we hadn't gotten that information before, our brain didn't put the importance on it that it now puts on it because it says, oh, this is important. I Need to pay attention to this. We should not have rules without relationship because that can lead to rebellion. So every picture up there I'm in, I have a relationship with different relationships with each of those different people. As I mentioned in my introduction, going through special education, I had a lot of teachers, especially because that's who I worked with them on most. But I also had medical professionals and members of the community make comments to me about the students that I worked with. And they told me that my students would never be happy. They would never be successful. They would not learn to read or they could not read or write or run or behave. Every one of these is a success story that has a child in it. This young lady down here with the graduation gown, when she was born. How many of you remember when your child was born?

Was the delivery room loud or silent?

Loud.

When the baby's born, people are like, oh, congratulations, you have a boy, you have a girl, whatever. When she was born, the room went silent.

The room went silent, and nobody knew what to do because she was born with about a hole that size in her face. She had a cleft lip and a cleft palate.

She didn't cry when she first came out. The doctors didn't know what to do. The mother was born by cesarean. The nurse that was up.

She didn't cry when she first came out. The doctors didn't know what to do. The mother, by her head, had a look of fear. And what was the other thing? Fear and. And terrified. Just most of the same feelings. I don't know now. I can't remember. But if you want to know, by my book, like the sadness, fear and sadness. Because she saw this baby at a. And it was supposed to be a joyous moment, and this baby was born with basically half of a face. She immediately had limiting beliefs on what that child would be able to do. The doctors, when they told the mother when it was time to take her home that she didn't have down syndrome and she should be happy that she didn't have down syndrome, but she has a chromosomal abnormality and blah, blah, blah, blah. That's something that affects that child and that mother every minute of their lives. But she graduated from high school. You can't tell, due to multiple surgeries, that she has a cleft lip and a cleft palate. She has friends. She goes out and does things.

She's successful. Not as successful as all of you in this room, but she is successful. She is a success story. She busted through those limits.

The card in the middle, I was the substitute. After I stopped teaching, I substituted for a while. And I had a friend who developed cancer, and so I substituted in her room frequently for a whole school year. It was a seventh and eighth grade literature class, and there was one student in the class who never started on his work, and he was always goofing around, and he was always talking to other people and getting other people into trouble. And I told him multiple times, you can do the work. Why don't you do it? If you would just get it done, I wouldn't be on you. Who never started on his work. And he was always goofing around, and he was always talking to other people and getting other people into trouble. And I told. And the regular teacher, when she's here, wouldn't be on you. I know you're capable. I told him that multiple times.

By the end of the school year, he did finally start getting started and getting the work done. And then I was like, cool, you're done with your work. I don't care. Now you can draw. Now you told him multiple times, you can do the work. Why don't you do it? If you would just get it done, I wouldn't be on. You can talk to other people who are done. Whatever. He was an eighth grader that year, and I wrote him this card, and I told him that I believed in him, that he had potential, but that he needed to believe in himself. A year later, he found me on Facebook, and we were talking back and forth in messenger, and he said, I got to show you something. And he pulled up the card. That's why I have a picture of it. And he said, you were the first person in my life to ever tell me that you and the regular teacher, when she's here, wouldn't be on you. I know you're capable. I told him that multiple times.

By the end of the school, believed in me. Eighth grade student, no teacher, no parent, no one has had ever told him that they believed in his ability. And now he's. He keeps that card and he's graduated high school and he's a successful business person.

The. The lady. On the school year, he did finally start getting started in getting the work done. And then I was like, cool, you're done with your work. I don't care. Now you can draw. Now you far side in the prom dress. Nobody ever thought that she. She would be popular or that she would have friends. We did a program in our school called the Buddy program, where I designed it, and we had kids who Were in the general population, Came in every day and spent time with my kids. And.

There was a parade several years later, a Veterans Day parade. It was in a different town than the town where this girl went to school. And the mom came to me after the parade and she said, what are you doing to my daughter? I was like, what do you mean, what am I doing to your daughter? She's like, all along the parade route, people were like, hi, Rose. Hi, Rose. Hey, Rose. And she was like, how do they all know my daughter? You can talk to other people who are done. Whatever. He was an eighth grader that year. And I wrote him this card and I told him that I believed in him. We don't live in the town where this parade was. It was because of the buddy program that all the kids that she had known that he had potential but that he needed to believe in himself. A year later, he found me on Facebook. Throughout that program. We're acknowledging her. We're friends with her. When she was a senior in high school, one of the. She ended up going to a different high school than a lot of the other kids. And one of those kids.

And we were talking back and forth in messenger and he said, I got to show you something. And he pulled up the card. That's why I have a picture of it. And he said, you were the first person in my life to ever tell me that you wanted to get together with her and go to her senior prom with Rose. Because the connection that they made during the buggy program. Rose. Another success story about her is that she can read. I had one of her teachers tell me one of her general. I'm sorry, not even one of her teachers. It was an administrator tell me that I was wasting my time teaching her to read, that I should teach her life skills. Wouldn't you think that reading is a life skill now? She didn't believed in me. Eighth grade student, no teacher, no parent, no one had ever told him that they believed in his ability. And now he's. He keeps that learn to read until she was in the seventh grade hard. And he's graduated high school and he's a successful business person.

The. The lady on the. But now she reads ingredients on food. She reads the things at the store when she and her dad go shopping for the groceries.

Guess who was the first person that I took her to when she learned how to read? I took her right back to that administrator. And in order to make sure that the administrator knew she hadn't memorized the book, I flipped to different pages and I had to read that page. And then the administrator was still not in belief. And so she grabbed another book and had her read some more out of that. Namlekesi I didn't waste my time. It was possible and I believed in her. I could keep going. As far as those belief stories and the students that I have seen and the limits that they have busted through, I have a podcast, Far side in the Prom Dress. Nobody ever thought that she would be popular or that's called Nolimits. It's because of these kids. She would have friends. We did a program in our school that I came up with that title that I live with the belief that we know who we are, but not who we will be. How many of you just think about your own high school life? Did you think you would be doing what you're doing today in exactly the way called the Buddy program where I designed it and we had kids who were in the general population came in every day and spent time with my kids. That you're doing it today with the exact spouse that you have? Nobody. I haven't met a single person who has said yes, my life turned out exactly 100% the way I thought it would turn out. We all change. The reason it's the butterfly is because I think there's no better or more beautiful example of changing than the caterpillar going into the butterfly. It's how I start my podcast. I'm on episode 180 and I have learned about so many limits that people are busting through. I myself have. I still. And I don't realize that I have some of these limits, but I don't know. And.

There was a parade several years later. For those of you who are in the St. Louis area, do you know that there's a blind hockey league? People who are legally blind are playing hockey. This day parade, it was in a different town than the town where this girl went to school. Not only are they playing hockey, they're playing baseball.

And the mom came to me after the parade and she said, what are you doing to my daughter? I was like, what do you mean, what am I doing to your daughter? Not only are they playing hockey and baseball, they play a game called goal ball. It's a super intense type of soccer. I'm not really sure how to describe it. If you're interested in learning about any of those three, they all come from Mind's Eye out of the Belleville area. And they've all three been on my podcast. So take an opportunity sometime to learn More about that. But relationship is important. I'm not going to change for you if I don't think you care about me. If I think all you care about is what I can do for you, I'm not going to change.

Here are some ways to shatter those beliefs and those limiting thoughts about yourself and or others. Be intentional about what you're thinking about. Capture those thoughts. When something comes up and you're like, I just. That's just gonna be. There's like. All along the parade route, people were like, hi, Rose. Hi, Rose. Hey, Rose. And she was like, how do they all know my daughter the way it is? Think about it. Why do you think that way? Why did I think that every person in here was different than my educators? Just because you have different jobs, that wasn't. We don't live in the town where this parade was. It was because of the Buddy program that all the kids that she had known. Right. For me to think that way.

That'S a limiting belief that I put on myself and on you. Like, somehow you wouldn't be open to accepting me and what I had to bring to you. And hopefully I've brought something to you that you didn't know before. Be specific and sincere with praise for yourself and others. I mentioned that before.

Challenge your beliefs. Talk to people who don't believe the way you do. Talk to people on the other side of the political aisle. Talk to people who have a child who is different than yours. Talk to. Throughout that program, we're acknowledging her. We're friends with her when she was a senior in high school. People who come from a different culture than you do and listen to them. I often say that we hear with our ears, but we listen with our hearts when we can reach people's hearts. One of the. She ended up going to a different high school than a lot of the other kids. And one of those kids, it changes our behavior and it changes their behavior. Wanted to get together with her and go to her senior. And our beliefs and their beliefs get out of the power struggle. If you're arguing with somebody, it takes two people at least to have a power struggle. If you're arguing with somebody, walk away. Power struggle over. I get that that sounds really simple. And at the same time, you're thinking, but then they win. What do they win? What do they win? Did they win the argument? Not necessarily.

Give grace. All this stuff that I talked to you about today, for a lot of you, you may never have heard anything like it. And you're going to want to try to change how you do things. But you're going to fail. Sorry. It's how we are. We're imperfect humans. I fail, as I said before prom with Rose because the connection that they made during the buggy program. Rose another success story about her or I'm excited. I'm not nervous. I'm excited. We have to be intentional thinking about those things. But when we do fail and we do react wrongly or in a way that we would prefer that we didn't. Give yourself grace. Give grace to the other person too. Because remember their going is that she can read. I had one of her teachers tell me one of her general. I'm sorry. Not even one of her teachers was an administrator through something. Their communication of their behavior is that they are dealing with something. Just like your behavior is you dealing with something. Ask yourself why you believe the way you do. Like I asked myself about people with disabilities. Why did I think that way? I don't honestly know. That's what I attribute it to is that my parents never directly taught me to think differently and they were always segregated.

Trust that everybody is not out to get you. Before you take her, tell me that I was wasting my time teaching her to read. That I should teach her life skills. Take offense. Think about that. People are not malicious in general. Most people are nice. Most people want to be kind. Most people want to have a good relationship. I don't know a lot of people who love confrontation. I don't like. Wouldn't you think that reading is a life skill now? She didn't learn confrontation. I will do it if I have to, but I don't love it. I don't want her to read until she was in the seventh grade. I'm gonna do it. Most people are not confrontational. And I've got 38 seconds. Stop choosing to be offended. The soda bottle. Think about that. And again, when I talked about the getting out of the power struggle. We know if I was up here and I had a soda bottle and I was shaking it, what would happen if I continued to shake it, that would happen. That's what's going to happen. If you stay in the power struggle. Somebody's going to explode. Maybe not in that moment, but eventually. Ways to shatter those beliefs. Stay calm and don't blame. Make yourself small. But now she reads ingredients on food. She reads the things at the store when she and her dad go shopping for the collar. I don't physically mean that because obviously we can't. But you can lower your voice. You could get down to eye Level, you could sit down with the person. Behaviors personal to the person exhibiting it. Repeat yourself with the exact same words, especially if you're talking to your child or someone that you know has a disability. Groceries.

Guess who was the first person that I took her to? The fewer words you use. And if you repeat it in the exact same way she learned how to read.

Took her right back in tone every single time, it'll have a bigger effect.

Teach. I talked about that before. Teach. And explain some of the things that you want done and remind them of the expectations. If I had more time, I would go into my story about speed limit signs. You can ask me about that later if you want. So this is that graph that I told you about. As you can see at the top is as a person is triggered and how they go up to the crisis level. And while they're going up to the crisis level, that red purplish line, their cognition, their ability to think rationally drops dramatically to that administrator. And in order to make sure that the administrator knew she hadn't memorized the book, I flip to different pages and I have. So that's person one, person two. The higher up person one gets, Person two's cognition goes down as well. If we're not very cognitive and we can't think rational, we're not going to make good decisions.

Thank you. And remember that we know who we are, but not who we will be.

Had to read that page, and then the administrator was still not in belief, and so she grabbed another book and had her read some more out of that. And I'm like, see.

Honey child, you ain't through.

See, I'm excited now. Have you ever been that stronger?

Okay, so we are very close to the lunch break. However, we're going to pivot just for a minute because Dr. Tom Hill is here.

I didn't waste my time. It was possible, and I believed in her. I could keep going as far as those belief stories.

Imani, I'm going to ask you to come up.

Are they bringing Tom in? Can someone take a look and see if they're working on bringing Tom in? Okay, awesome. I'll tell a quick story while we're waiting. So another thing that Tom Hill does.

When he coaches and the students that I have seen and the limits that they have busted through, I have a podcast called no Limits. It's because of these kids.

Is he.

Asks one of the very first questions is, who do you need to know to help you get where you want to go? So this is just a personal story. He asked that of me the first day I met him, and I did not have an answer. That was seven years ago. And he said, I'll tell you what. Sleep on it. And I want you to call me tomorrow and tell me.

And Pipes that I came up with that title, that I live with the belief that we know who we are, but not who we will be. How many of you?

I said, okay, we'll do that. I went home and I thought about it, and I'm in the marketing business. That's my. That's my 25 years in the marketing business. And I said, I need to know Donald Miller story, brand, and so many things.

And just think about your own high school life. Do you think you would be doing what you're doing today in exactly the way that you're doing it today with the exact spouse that you have?

Michalowitz, the author of Profit First, Get Different Pumpkin Plan, all of that? And so talk about limiting beliefs. I like that was the sky for me, like, I would. That was like, meaning Oprah in my world. Right. I told him. And Tom Hill, being the connector that he is, if you came to him with a name of someone that he knew or someone he knows who knew them, he would make that connection for you immediately. He did not have that in his network at the time.

Nobody. I haven't met a single person who has said, yes, my life turned out. Exactly.

And he said, okay. He put it out there. It's part of your G curve, your.

Plan, and 100% the way I thought it would turn out.

It'll happen. And so I said, okay. So fast forward.

Four years later and now seven years later. I am now very good friends, personal friends with Mike Michalowicz, and I am in his private we all change.

The reason it's the butterfly is because I think there's no better or more beautiful example of changing than the CAB mastermind.

And I am also in Donald Miller's private mastermind, playing Frisbee golf at Donald Miller's house when Mike McCallowitz almost cut his toe off a month ago. So that is the power of Dr. Hill and what he does with his coaching. So I just wanted to tell that story and honor him and Tom. So Tom just turned 89. Would you guys join me in singing Happy birthday to you, Tom?

Great.

Happy bird day to you Happy birthday.

To you Happy birthday dear Tom Caterpillar.

Going into the butterfly. It's how I start my podcast. I'm on episode 180, and I have learned about so many Limits.

Happy birthday to you.

Addition with saying Happy birthday to.

First of all, I love you so much.

You have.

Changed my life.

That people are busting through. I myself have. I still. And I don't realize that I have some of these limits, but I don't.

I just want to say thank you.

Since the first day I met you, you embraced me.

And you made me not give up.

I thought that I was.

Doing the best that I could, changing lives.

So for those of you who are in the St. Louis area, do you know that there's a blind hockey league? People who are legally blind are playing hockey.

And you told me that I could do so much more.

And you encouraged me in a way that I had never been encouraged before.

And so.

On behalf of myself, not.

Only are they playing hockey, they're playing baseball.

Not only are they playing hockey and baseball, they play basketball.

And all of your angels and all of the people that you have impacted, we just want to say thank you and we want to present you with a Tom Hill Eagle legacy award. And it says we celebrate you.

Game called goal ball. It's a super intense type of soccer. I'm not really sure how to describe it. If you're interested in learning about.

Thank you.

He wants. He says thank you. Please be seated.

Any of those three. They all come from Mind's Eye out of the Belleville area and they've all three been on my podcast. So take a opportunity.

So I. There's so much I can say. I just want to give the story of how I got here. So I run an organization, Love in Action. There was only a couple days before I met Michael Graham. I really like you to stand up just so that I can share this story. I said I was not gonna cry. I knew it was gonna happen anyway. But it's all good. We provide food for a lot of people. Because of my own trauma that I've been through in my life, I spent some time, some time to learn more about that.

But relationship is important. I'm not gonna change for you if I don't think you care about me.

In a very abusive relationship where my ex husband actually tried to kill me and I spent some time homeless with two girls trying to find resources and trying to find just essential things just to survive. And when I would go to these places like food pantries and things like.

If I think all you care about is what I can do for you, I'm not gonna change.

Here's some ways that they would give.

Me like expired food or molded food and just like Things just wouldn't give to your babies. And so I just remember telling God.

Lord, if you help me get out.

Of this, I'm not gonna do this to people.

I'm not gonna make people feel like this.

And a few years after that, he birthed love and action in me. And so we began to provide good whole food to a community that wouldn't get whole food otherwise. We're in food deserts. They wouldn't get quality resources. They wouldn't get people to be able.

To, to shatter those beliefs and those limiting thoughts about yourself and or others, be intentional about what you're thinking about.

Capture those, counsel with them, help them to walk through trauma. And so we were down in thoughts.

When something comes up and you're like, I just, that's just going to be the way it is. Think about it. Why do you think that way?

In North St. Louis, North 20th, 20th and Cass, it's the hood, okay. And we were looking for recyclable bags because when our clients would come and pick up their food and their. All the items that they needed, they would be, they would bring because we got, we had the like the schnooks bags, things like that. And so I was looking for recyclable bags and Mike shows up from someone that was one of the volunteers. Our organization is 98 volunteer ran. So one of our volunteers went, why.

Did I think that every person in here was different than my educators? Just because you have different jobs?

That wasn't to Mike and said, hey, they really could use some of these recyclable bags. And he came into our food distribution on Friday and he said, what is it that, what do you guys need? And I said, we need recyclable bags. That's really all I, that's all I wanted, right? He said, what are you doing? How did you end up down here? And then I told him my story.

Just right for me to think that way.

That's a limiting belief that I put.

On probably a little bit more long winded than what I just told you. I told you guys the a snippet.

Myself and on you, like somehow you wouldn't be open to accept.

But he said, you need to meet Tom Hill. I said, I just want the bags. What are you talking. So he says, no, really, you. I think you need to meet Tom Hill. And I said in my mind I was thinking, if I'm going to get the bags, I'll meet Tom Hill, John Hill.

Rebecca Hill, whoever. So is this a thing? Because I'm like, I want to get the people serving. I want to serve them well. This is my me and what I.

Had to bring to you. And hopefully I brought something to you that you didn't know before. Be specific and sincere with being as.

I want to serve people well. But I. I trusted him for some reason. It was something about. It's something about the spirit of God. When he wants to do something with you and inside you, you have to obey even when you don't understand why. And I didn't know him from anywhere, but he had a pretty honest face and so I trusted him.

That was the first time since molestation, since rape.

Since so much trouble.

Praise for yourself and others. I mentioned that before. Challenge your beliefs. Talk to people who don't believe the way you do.

Trust is someone other than my inner circle.

So I knew that my healing journey was beginning.

And I went with Mike and we came out to Chesterfield.

We were.

Let me see, where were we? Over were we.

We were over there.

So we're not. We weren't here yet.

Talk to people on the other side of the political aisle. Talk to people who have a child who is different than yours. Talk to downtown, near.

Okay, all right. And. And that's when I met Dr. Tom Hill. And that day.

I have. I was like, I think under a quarter tank of gas, probably less than that.

Probably.

I probably had like coffee bean of gas in my casket.

And Tom Hill put a hundred dollar bill in my.

Hand.

And I snotted and cried. The whole.

People who come from a different culture than you do and listen to them. I often say that we hear with our ears.

Time the whole. Had just got there and the first thing he did is give me $100. I'm like, how? You know, I didn't have no gas then I'm like, I'm having this conversation with God. God.

You'Re doing something.

And I'm gonna let you do it.

But we listen with our hearts. When we can reach people's hearts, it changes our behavior and it changes their behavior.

And so I let them do it.

And so fast forward.

I'm now in a building with Mike. I didn't want to leave. I was in North St. Louis. They was flooded in there. Sprayed it.

Buckets everywhere. And I just would not leave. I was like, I'm not going. I'm staying here. I'm staying in the hood. I don't care what's gonna happen. I'm staying right here. I'm helping people right here.

And I got a call from Mike.

He said, and our beliefs and their beliefs. Get out of the power struggle. If you're arguing with somebody, it takes two people at least to have a power struggle. If you're arguing, we got a space.

Open in the building. Why don't you just come on over.

Here.

Arguing with somebody. Walk away. Power struggle over. I get that that sounds really simple. And at the same time you're thinking, but then they win. What do they win? What do they win? Did they win the argument? Not necessarily.

How am I gonna pay for that? I'm already like, I'm gonna give grace.

All the stuff that I talked to you about today. A lot of you, you may never have heard anything like it. And you're going to want to try to nonprofit.

I'm a for real nonprofit.

But I took the leap of faith and so I've been there for a whole year now.

Change how you do things. But you're going to fail. Sorry. It's how we are. We're imperfect humans. I fail. As I said before, I. I'm excited. I'm not nervous. I'm excited. We have to be intentional thinking about those things. But when we do fail and we.

Do and God is doing some amazing things. I can't explain it, but I'm walking through it.

React wrongly or in a way that we would prefer that we didn't. Give yourself grace. Give grace.

And it's all because meeting one voice.

To the other person too. Because remember they're going person.

That is attracted to who through something.

Their communication of their behavior is that they are dealing with something. Just like your behavior is you dealing with something you are becoming.

That changed my life.

Ask yourself why you believe the way you do. Like I asked myself about people with disabilities. Why did I think that way? I don't honestly know.

I.

Okay.

I love you and I love you. And I'm so grateful to be a.

Part of that's what I attribute it to is that my parents never directly taught me to think differently and they were always segregated.

Trust that everybody is not out to get you before you take a family.

This is a real family. I've never felt so at home.

Take offense. Think about that. People are not malicious in general. Most people are nice. Most people want to be kind. Most people want to with a whole.

Bunch of white folks.

But it's all good.

And I truly have a good relationship. I don't know a lot of people who love confrontation.

I don't like to believe this is what I believe. This is a little bit of heaven confrontation.

I will do it if I Have to. But I don't love it.

I don't want earth. This is just how I feel. I really believe that. And I love what everybody has said today.

I'll do it. Most people are not confrontational. And I've got 38 seconds. Stop choosing to be offended. The soda bottle. Think about that. And again, when I talked about the getting out of the power struggle, we know if I was up, I know.

I'm supposed to do a presentation here.

And I had a soda bottle and I was shaking it. What would happen if I continued to.

Shake it and a little bit. Okay, so. So I. I'm going to do that. So this kind of really saves me from having to tell you all the other. Other stuff. But I just. I want you all to know that that would happen.

That's what's going to happen. If you stay in the power struggle. Somebody's going to explode. Maybe not in that moment, but eventually. Ways to shatter those beliefs. Stay calm and don't blame. Make yourself smart.

I really am making an honest effort to love everybody and love them for real. Because that's really.

I don't physically mean that because obviously we can't. But you can lower what's going to change the world.

And if Tom hadn't came and man spoke that word in my life, I.

Would have gave up your voice. You could get down to eye level. You could sit down with the person.

And I'm still going and I'm grateful and I love you.

Behaviors personal to the person exhibiting it. Repeat yourself with the exact same words. Especially if you're talking to your child or someone that you know has a disability. The fewer words you use and if you repeat it in the exact same.

Tone every single time, it'll have a bigger effect.

Teach. I talked about that before. Teach. And explain some of the things that you want done.

Okay, so we do have lunch ready to go. It is in the same place where you got breakfast if you were.

And remind them of the expectations. If I had more time, I would go into my story about speed limit signs. You can ask me about that later if you want. So this is that graph that I told you about. As you can see at the top is as a person is triggered and how they go up to the crisis level. And while they're going up to the.

Crisis level here for breakfast, follow everybody else speakers. We do have a small thank you gift for you which I did not want to interrupt the flow but I have a. A blessed sign for each of you.

And I'm going to Settle that red purplish line. Their cognition, their ability to think rationally drops dramatically. So that's person one, person two. The higher up person one gets, Person two's cognition goes down as well.

And if you are traveling and can't fit it, let me know. I will ship it to you. The reason that I chose these for.

Speaker gift, if we're not very cognitive and we can't think rational, we're not going to make good decisions.

Thank you. And remember that we know who we are, but not who we will be.

This is because Tom will always say, I'm blessed beyond measure. And that's just the phrase that he just.

Lives by and expresses gratitude every day. So if you leave without it intentionally, it's still going to show up at your door.

So you can take over.

See, I'm excited now.

Have you ever been?

All right, I will leave you to get lunch. We'll take about a 20 minute break so everybody can get their food and come back and.

Okay, so we are very close to the lunch break. However, we're going to pivot just for a minute. Minute. Because Dr. Tom Hill is here.

Sit down. And then Amani is going to do our lunch and learn and talk a little bit about what they actually do at Love in Action. All right, thanks.

Back in 15 or 20 minutes.

Amani, I'm going to ask you to come up and are they bringing Tom in? Can someone take a look and see if they're working on bringing Tom in? Okay, awesome. I'll tell a quick story while we're waiting. So another thing that Tom Hill does when he coaches is he asks one of the very first questions is who do you need to know to help you get where you want to go? So is it just a personal story? He, he asked that of me the first day I met him and I did not have an answer. That was seven years ago. And he said, I'll tell you what, sleep on it, and I want you to call me tomorrow and tell me. And I said, okay, we'll do that. I went home and I thought about it and I'm in the marketing business. That's my 25 years in the marketing business. And I said, I need to know Donald Miller story brand and so many things. And Mike Michalowicz, the author of Profit First Get Different Pumpkin Plan, all of that. And so talk about limiting beliefs. I like, that was the sky for me. Like I would. That was like meaning Oprah in my world. Right. I told him. And Tom Hill being the connector that he is if you came to him with a name of someone that he knew or someone he knows who knew them, he would make that connection for you immediately. He did not have that in his network at the time. And he said, okay, put it out there. It's part of your G curve, your plan, and it'll happen. And so I said, okay. So fast forward.

Four years later and now seven years later. I am now very good friends, personal friends with Mike Michalowicz, and I am in his private mastermind, and I am also in Donald Miller's private mastermind, playing Frisbee golf at Donald Miller's house when Mike McCallowitz almost cut his toe off a month ago. So that is the power of Dr. Hill and what he does with his coaching. So I just wanted to tell that story story and honor him and Tom. So Tom just turned 89. Would you guys join me in singing Happy birthday to you? Tom.

Ready? Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear Tom Happy birthday to you.

Addition with saying Happy birthday to you. I just want to personally tell you first of all that I love you so much.

You have.

Changed my life. You have been leaving me. I just want to say thank you.

Since the first day I met you, you embraced me.

And you made me not give up.

I thought that I was.

Doing the best that I could, changing lives.

And you told me that I could do so much more.

And you encouraged me in a way that I had never been encouraged before.

And so.

On behalf of myself and all of your angels and all of the people that you have impacted, we just want to say thank you. And we want to present you with a Tom Hill Eagle Legacy award. And it says we celebrate you.

Thank you.

He wants. He says thank you. Please be seated. So I. There's so much I can say. I just want to give the story of how I got here. So I run an organization, Love in Action. There was only a couple days before I met Michael Graham. I really like you to stand up just so that I can share this story. I said I was not going to cry. I knew it was going to happen anyway. But it's all good. We provide food for a lot of people. Because of my own trauma that I've been through in my life, I spent some time married in a very abusive relationship where my ex husband actually tried to kill me. And I spent some time homeless with two girls, trying to find resources and trying to find just essential things just to survive. And when I would go to these places like food pantries and things like that, they would give me like expired food or molded food and just like things just wouldn't give to your babies. And so I just remember telling God, lord, if you help me get out of this, I'm not gonna do this to people.

I'm not gonna make people feel like this.

And a few years after that, he birthed love and action in me. And so we began to provide good whole food to a community that wouldn't get whole food otherwise. We're in food deserts. They wouldn't get quality resources, they wouldn't get people to be able to counsel with them, help them to walk through trauma. And so we were down in north St. Louis, north 20th, 20th in Castle.

It's the hood, okay? And we were looking for recyclable bags because when our clients would come and pick up their food and all the items that they needed, they would be. They would break because we had the, like, the schnooks bags, things like that. And so I was looking for recyclable bags and Mike shows up from someone that was one of the volunteers. Our organization is 98% volunteer ran. So one of our volunteers went to Mike and said, hey, they really could use some of these recyclable bags. And he came into our food distribution on Friday and he said, what is it that. What do you guys need? I said, we need recyclable bags. That's really all I. That's all I wanted, right? He said, what are you doing? How did you end up down here? And then I told him my story. Just probably a little bit more long winded than what I just told you. I told you guys, the, the snippet version. But he said, you need to meet Tom Hill.

I just want the bags. What are you talking. So he says, no, really, you. I think you need to meet Tom Hill. And I said, in my mind, I was thinking, if I'm gonna get the bags, I'll meet Tom Hill, John Hill, Rebecca Hill, whoever. So this thing, cuz I'm like, I want to get people serving. I want to serve them well, this is my thing. I want to serve people well. But I. I trusted him for some reason. It was something about. It's something about the spirit of God. When he wants to do something with you and inside you, you have to obey even when you don't understand why. And I didn't know him from anywhere, but he had a pretty honest face. And so I trusted him.

That was the first time since molestation, since rape.

Since so much trouble, that I had trusted someone other than my inner circle. So I knew that my healing journey was beginning.

And I went with Mike, and we came out to Chesterfield. We were. Let me see, where were we? Over. We're in. We were over there. So we're not. We weren't here yet.

We were near downtown.

Near.

Okay. All right. And that's when I met Dr. Town Hill. And that day.