070 Sex & Chronic Illness

Well, I mean, it is. It just becomes— it becomes another thing you're enduring.

Yes. Yeah. And it takes every bit of energy to be able to be intimate with someone and to even feel— I mean, that's not even just the physical side of it. It is also the emotional side of it, too.

Welcome to Lion Voice. We are your hosts, Sarah and Aaron Sanchez. We created this show designed to inspire, educate, and encourage you on your path to wellness. This show's purpose is to help you put the puzzle pieces of healing into place. Join us as we interview other warriors and discuss how fighting is a mindset, Healing consists of choices, and living is the outcome.

Wishing your doctors could communicate and come up with a cohesive plan specific to your medical needs and genetics? At Invita Medical Center, they offer a team-style approach, giving you the opportunity to heal. In addition to a commitment of providing radical love and care for their patients, they are strategically located in sunny Arizona because Arizona offers the best integrative medical laws in the country. Call today to speak with one of their patient care coordinators. You can find them online at Invita.com.

Lion Voice thanks Invita Medical for their continued support. Please reach them at 1-866-830-4576. Welcome to Lion Voice, everybody. Hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving weekend. We actually are going to be doing an episode very soon about how to survive the holidays. I think you guys are going to enjoy that. Today's episode is brought to you by Vigor for Life Studios Invita Medical, and listeners just like you. Thank you so much for allowing us to be part of your life today. And today, sweetie, we have a huge topic.

Yes, S-E-X. Let's talk about sex, baby.

Let's talk about you and me.

I love when you're saying—

I hope the Listeners agree.

I, I say this in the interview, but I've been wanting to talk about this, and we will be talking about this extensively over the next several months because one episode ain't gonna do it. Oh gosh, no.

This is a huge topic for everyone regardless if you're not sick or not, because it's whether we like it or not, sex is something that everybody is wired for. And there's all this—

well, healthy people like it, right?

Right.

Yeah.

And it's part of your healing journey is to get back to that. And, and so in this episode, we talk about the struggles and, and how hard it is for the person who's sick, but also who's— how hard it is for the partner.

Yes. So if you have a spouse, like, this is one of those episodes you should listen to with your spouse because Even though I did the interview, um, Aaron and I have actually listened through this interview multiple times, which is not unusual for us to like sit there and analyze it and talk through it. But there's just a lot of depth and strategy within the conversation of how to get through it. Leandra Peters does a great job of just talking about her own journey, and, and yet this is something she brings to light, is that you have to heal this area of your life.

Yeah.

Along with every other area. And so there's like the healing aspect, but then there's also the enduring aspect of like when you are in the thick of it at your worst, feeling horrible, how do you meet each other's needs and maintain intimacy? And, and a lot of that just requires communication about this thing that neither of you understands, right? You don't understand why your body is not working. It's, it's a very confusing using time on a lot of levels.

And it sounds like puberty all over again.

Oh God, it's so much worse.

But there is success to be had out there. Yes, you and I are experiencing a great life in that area. And so no matter what your sickness is, because we, we came from the bottom— Sarah being in a wheelchair, totally uncapable of any sort of physical touch. Like, me just putting my arm on her would cause her physical pain to where she would be in tears. So obviously anything over just my arm on her in intimacy was painful. How can you possibly enjoy something that's painful, right? Like, it's not that kind of show, people. But the point is that it's hard, there is success to be had. We are living testimony, and we want to talk more about this so that you guys don't have to incur the same problems and that you can move past the position you're in now. And it's episodes like this and more to come that are going to help you do that. Oh, and we can't forget our supporters. Holly from North Carolina and Sherry from California both made donations to to Lion Voice. Also wanted to thank Cheryl in New Mexico and Steven in Colorado for joining us as monthly supporters. Thank you so much for helping this message get out to those who need it. Really want to tell you about something that has changed our life.

Yes, our Kangen water machine has absolutely been a game changer.

Absolutely. We had such a great response from episode 64.

Episode 64 goes into the details if you have not listened to it as far as why it's been so helpful and what it does. And basically it's alkaline water, but it's also antioxidant-rich. So 2 glasses of of fresh water is equivalent to 5 pounds of blueberries, and it has been radical for us as a household.

Yeah, there's, there's so many more uses. We, I mean, we had to do a whole episode on it. But basically, go to myfreewaterstore.com to find out more information directly. Go to episode 64, you can actually hear Wade Holder talk about all the different applications and benefits from it. And then when you are ready to purchase this machine. We are now distributors, so when you're ready, you call me at 505-681-1770, and there is financing available. If it wasn't for their financing options, we wouldn't have a machine. Call me, we'll talk through some of those options, and this is going to be a huge benefit to your life.

Yes, it is, and we will be talking extensively over this next year, even about fasting and how powerful fasting can be with alkaline water.

Yeah. Excellent. Water is key, people.

Change your water, change your life.

Yep.

Well, with me again is Leandra Peters. And Leandra, thank you so much for being here. She is a fellow advocate and blogger for Lyme and mold. Leandra has agreed to talk with us today about S-E-X, and I'm really thankful because I have been asking people for 3 years to talk about this topic, and it's only recently that I got some people to say yes.

Yeah, not always an easy subject, but well, I'm gonna be open.

What's interesting is as I've been posting these questions out on Facebook, like, hey, how did you handle this How did you handle the sex aspect of your life? How did you handle intimacy and dating? You know, the predominant answer is, oh, I just didn't do it. That's the predominant— oh, I, it just— I crossed it off my list, which to me says a lot.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. It's an overwhelming response of it just doesn't happen. It doesn't exist.

Yes. So one of the things you and I talked about is, um, I mean, the, the way Lyme and chronic illness and pain and fatigue changes you, changes your body, changes your emotions, your limbic system, right? All these things play into your sex drive, your sex life. So, um, and then you are already tired and most people are in excruciating pain. So, so all those factors go into the actual physical side of it. But let's first just talk about the mental side. You and I spoke about just how being ill changes your perception of your— of who you are, of how you look and feel, which in and of itself is this huge shift.

Yeah, it's definitely an emotional burden for me that I've been working on, just dealing with body image, the way I viewed myself before getting chronically ill and then after dealing with chronic illness now. I haven't been able to view my body the same. I'm still in shape. I'm still thin. I'm still fit. But I don't personally just view myself the same. Like, I look at myself as, oh, I'm sexy, or, oh yes, I look beautiful. I view myself as I had chronic illness. And so just my body image and the way that I view myself is difficult for me to then be intimate with someone. Who is viewing me totally different than the way I'm viewing myself. So that's been an emotional battle for sure.

Yeah, I think people don't have any concept of how you feel. You do not feel like a human being. I mean, if you're sick long enough, you do not feel like a real person.

Yeah, absolutely. And if you don't even feel like yourself, then it's hard to be with someone else intimately. So that's definitely, you know, you're a huge part of that puzzle piece. And when you don't see yourself there, then that's definitely missing.

I've told this story before, but there was this event as I was going way downhill, um, somewhere around late 2012, early 2013. And I would, I could push myself. I'd actually, we were going to a fundraiser and it was a really fun event that I would normally have loved to have been at and gone to and gotten dressed up for. And, um, I'd actually even gotten a sitter early on in the day so that I could get, take my time getting ready and then rest, right? Because I had chronic fatigue. Um, rest for 2 hours and then go to the event and make it through it. Even after resting for 2 hours, I still could not even— like, I was just killing myself to get up and put my heels on. And I'm thinking, why is this so hard? Like, it's been hard for years, but this was a whole new level of hard. And Aaron walked in, and so, you know, we were dressed up in hair and makeup, and he was like, oh my gosh, you look so incredible. And he says that I gave him the dirtiest look he's ever seen. He said that I had in my— and, and I probably did— in my brain I'm thinking, how on earth can you be saying that? Like, because when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was like darkness. Yes, I saw like literal decay. Like I could not even— I couldn't see who I was. And I'm like thinking, why on earth is he telling me this?

Yeah, absolutely. I definitely have moments like that. Even when I'm just looking at myself in the mirror, I'm like looking at my body, looking at my face, looking at the dark circles under my eyes, and I'm like, how has my body just deteriorated so much? And like It's hard for me to even find myself to be beautiful again or looking pretty again. And so when I even hear that from my significant other, it is hard for me to be accepting of it because I don't feel it myself. Yeah, that's hard. I feel like you have to be present and you have to be confident and you have to feel a certain way about yourself in order to be intimate with someone else. So that's definitely been a huge struggle that I've dealt with. Probably one of the biggest difficulties actually in chronic illness is being in an intimate relationship and not feeling like you're doing your part just because of how you feel about your own body image.

Hmm. Yeah. You used the words when we were talking about this, you said it's a battle.

Yeah.

And I was thinking Yeah, right. Like, you shouldn't have to associate a battle with your sex life.

Absolutely.

Yeah, that's the opposite of what you would want it to be. Like, what is happening? Like, this is so dysfunctional.

Yeah, it is hard because, you know, we work Monday through Friday, and then on the weekends, like, it seems normal to, like, you know, wake up and be intimate with one another, or go to bed on a Friday night and be intimate with one another. And for me to even think about it mentally, it first doesn't cross my mind. But the second that I know it's crossing his mind, I start, you know, you know, closing up. I start getting fearful. I start feeling uncomfortable. And it's like, okay, well, can I try to do it? Can I just— can I get through it? Am I going to be okay emotionally afterwards? And sometimes I try and I just don't feel comfortable in the middle of it. I don't feel comfortable afterwards. So yeah, it's definitely this battle of just trying to even, you know, get through it or feeling normal or feeling like you can be there for at least your partner. Like you want to be able to be there for them and, and give them, you know, something that they want from you as well. Like they don't view us the way that we are viewing ourselves. Yeah. Which is a good thing. Like at least he still views me as being beautiful and, you know, someone that he wants to be with and be intimate with and I wish that I felt that for myself too. Hmm.

So it becomes so complicated. And one of the things that I feel like it took Aaron and I a lot of years to figure out, because you are living in this crazy la la dysfunctional land, is like, even in the sense of how we prioritized, or, um, like be— when you have chronic fatigue and especially when you have kids, running around and that you're raising, um, every, anything that happens has to be a priority. Absolutely. Right. And yes, I had so little stamina that early on, I would say like in 2014, if I knew we were at the point where it had been a little bit too long and we definitely had needed to have an intimacy night, All I could do, I literally had to mark my calendar and could not commit to any single event. So I would have to like find a day where I thought, okay, there's no school performances, there's no, I don't have to leave for an appointment. All I have to do is get up and do my protocol. And that was literally the only thing I did that day. And it took the entire day just to do this very minimal performance.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

But even that, like, it took us years to get to that point to realize like, oh, if there's one thing, like, okay, then that one thing only comes up on the top of the priority list every so often because there's all these other life and death, feeding people and getting them home from school, all these other things that crowd into that. And that's so sad. It is.

Yeah. It's like the, uh, the lime spoon theory. You only have so many spoons.

Yeah.

Um, and it's how you allocate them to what's the highest priority for that day, whether it's, you know, your detox or your protocol, or if you have to go do something with kids, or being intimate with someone definitely takes maybe 2 spoons. So yeah, that I would definitely say that, you know, it's hard to decide on with how much energy you have or if your body is in pain what you can put up with for that day. Or I wouldn't even say put up with. Um, whatever you can handle, handle for that day. Um, you definitely have to be careful of— put up with— that was terrible.

But I mean, it, it is, it just becomes, it becomes another thing you're enduring.

Yes. Yeah. And it takes every, uh, bit of energy to be able to be intimate with someone and to even feel— I mean, that's not even just the physical side of it. It is also the emotional side of it too. You obviously don't just have sex for the physical side. You have it for the intimate side and the emotional side with someone. And when you're, you know, emotionally distraught or, you know, depressed, it is really hard to be, you know, compatible with someone.

Well, and I think You know, one of the really complicating factors is, you're right, it— when you are emotionally unstable or distraught in even other areas, right? Whether you're having financial problems or physical problems or whatever it is, that impacts you. But when you're sick, it impacts you on such a deeper level. Yes, you have nothing to fight it off with.

Yeah, you don't have a magic pill that'll make you able to be intimate with someone. But yeah, I think chronic illness definitely trumps over if you have something like financial distress or stress at work or stress with a family member and you're bringing that home and you're trying to, you know, be intimate with your partner. That's one level that's hard. But to take it to the chronic illness level is hard to describe, I guess, unless you've actually been there.

Yeah. So I know that you've actually worked with a life coach over this particular topic. And what are some of the things that you've learned or discovered that have helped you kind of keep walking this pathway towards health and healing?

I guess what my life coach has probably taught me the most through this is more to just allow myself time, to give myself the time to fully heal. Not just physically, but also emotionally. And once I start healing both of those, that the intimacy will come afterwards. So she tries to basically tell me not to focus so much on it and to be open and honest with my partner and to let him know like, hey, this is what I'm going through. Apologize and just say like, I'm sorry that, you know, I'm feeling that, or not saying that you're sorry that you're feeling that way, but sorry that you're going through a tough time and that it's definitely, you know, coming up in the relationship when it comes to intimacy. But I think me just communicating it with him and letting him know how I'm feeling and saying, I'm just not ready yet, and I'm not— I'm in pain today, or I'm not feeling well today. And him knowing that it's not just an excuse and that it's a legitimate reason as to why I'm having a hard time being intimate with him has helped me. And in the beginning, it was something I kept to myself, and I just tried to do it, or I just tried to like roll over in bed and maybe he would forget about it. But the more that I spoke to him about it and explained to him why and explained to him like, you know, I'm not happy with my own image and I'm not happy with my own body after being chronically sick and everything that I've gone through with being sick, that, you know, if he just gives me the time, that I'll open back up to it. So I think that's been the biggest thing that I've learned from her is just communicating it with him and then giving— allowing myself the time. And not being too hard on myself.

Hmm. I think, again, I mean, there's so many factors here, but I remember for us, like, even realizing it took us way too long to realize, like, we couldn't go out on a date and have sex in the same night. Like, it was one or the other.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I can believe— yeah, absolutely. I don't think there's ever been a time that I've done both. After being chronically sick? Absolutely not.

But even that, like, oh man, I, and I feel like, you know, I was sick for a really long time going downhill. So for me it was very gradual downhill and then very gradual uphill. But it's hard to keep having your capabilities change on you. And I mean, right, like one day your legs work and the next they don't. And yeah, that impacts your— I mean, it just impacts everything. You're not thinking about it, you're not planning it, it's not a part, you're just surviving the day.

Yeah, it's not even something that crosses your mind, um, which sounds kind of weird and it feels a little bit unnormal, um, to be, you know, in a relationship with someone but to not have that thought cross your mind of wanting to be intimate because all you're thinking about is getting through that day or even getting through that hour, whether, you know, you're having a flare-up of symptoms or all of a sudden you've got pain shooting down your legs or, or your brain is feeling out of control or you have too much pressure or you're sensitive to light or sound or something comes up. But just trying to get through that hour of those symptoms or that day of symptoms and just trying to survive is really what comes to mind every single day. So it's like, no, there's no room for, um, sex or intimacy to come up. At least for me, that was something that, you know, it was almost impossible to even think of.

Well, and I felt like that, but I was sick for so long, I just— it just wasn't an option. I just had to keep trying to figure it out.

Yeah, that's true. Yours was definitely much longer you know, a longer time of healing than mine, for sure.

Yeah, it's a crazy journey. Goodness. Do you use declarations to change your thought patterns about sex?

I don't actually. I haven't had that conversation yet with my life coach, but that probably will be coming up soon because I would say the last two sessions that I have had have been about sex and intimacy exclusively. So I do think that it's coming up. I think that the first two conversations questions I've had about it were mostly related to giving myself the time and finding ways to communicate about it. But yeah, I think, you know, the next time that I have a chat with my life coach, that it will probably be on coaching me on maybe coming up with a mantra or something to help me get to that point. But I think that she is more focused on me healing from just an emotional like a bigger picture, like the emotional aspect of everything. And then she thinks that the intimacy side will flow back in naturally. But I'm sure that she has a mantra for sex and intimacy.

Yeah. You know, I think for me, I've— I had to— like in every area of our life, right? You have to heal physically and then you have to heal that area emotionally. And those to me, especially in regards to this topic, feel like they've been separate. Like, I had to heal physically, and then I had to heal emotionally, and then I was still healing physically. So then I would go through periods or months where really I was healing physically, and then my symptom— or I would reach a new level of health, and then I had more emotional energy to put into it. But it's been— it wasn't like this continuous You know, in both areas there's been continual improvement, right? Gradual, conscientious improvement. But I've almost felt like things should go back to normal, and I didn't realize how damaged I was in so many areas of my life.

And I was trying to think of how to respond, of how to respond to it, but I didn't come up with anything.

No, it's just been this stuff that Aaron and I keep having to walk through and talk through, like, oh my gosh, this has impacted us so— like, I had no concept of how deeply the trauma had impacted us until I really was starting to heal.

Has he been open with you about how he feels or his frustration or anything like that?

Oh yeah, I mean, we have a— you know, it's been a continual conversation, and, you know, we address— we know how to have those conversations now and adjust expectations and be like, okay, here's what I need and here's what you need, so how do we make this kind of work? Since, yeah, you know, since the kids consume most of our needs and energy, like, how do we— and we've come to it, but like, even we implemented something called a room date, and this was born out of the fact that we finally figured out I can't do both. We can't go out to dinner and come home and have sex. And so how do we And then especially if you have food allergy, you know, for years I would come home and my stomach would be a mess, or, you know, whatever it was. Yes, after eating. Um, I'm like, I always feel lousy after I go out to eat. Um, you know, that stuff doesn't happen anymore, but we had to consciously decide. And so for me, I'm like, okay, how do we, how do we do this? So I don't have any energy to get up, which I love to do. I love to get up and get dressed and go out And we almost never do that anymore because I didn't have the energy. So we implemented room dates and what we would do is we would bring home snacks or something. We'd put our kids to bed early. We'd lock our door at like 5 o'clock and say, we're having a room date. Only come in if you really need us, you know? But then we had, I mean, it was usually like a 2 to 3 hour window where it would be like, okay, we have time together if we want to watch a movie. But there, it didn't require any energy. Um, we had food right there and it just became like, it wasn't this perfect every time it works, but it created an environment in which we could succeed with the limitations that we were facing.

Absolutely. I think I might cave into this room date.

Oh my gosh. It to— we do, we still do it all the time. And in fact, um, when people get married, I give them room date kits. Which is like, you know, a board with cheese, you know, for cheese and crackers and sausages and then little, you know, I'm like, what are your favorite candies? And a bottle of wine or whatever it is because it, we, and we actually still do it because it became something valuable to us in the sense of having, even just having, cuz we have 5 kids and so someone is always talking to us. So just, just emotionally for me being able to say like, okay, for the next 3 hours this is all I have to think about right now. And that was a game changer for us.

Yeah, I can see why. Absolutely. Yeah, definitely giving yourself all the time, uh, just without having to exert energy elsewhere.

Yeah. And, and now I can— we can do both, you know, that we're in a lot— in a very different place. But for a long time we weren't, and that became— that became one of those like Okay, how do we find a solution for this? Like, there has to be a solution, right?

Yeah.

Let's figure it out. But here's the other thing that I feel impacts, um, you know, even for us, a room date was financially a solution. Oh yeah. Because we have been paying for Lyme treatment for a lot of years and for multiple people, and it just seems like there's never enough resources to be like, oh yeah, we're gonna go out to dinner. So this became financially a very freeing thing too.

Yeah, I didn't even think about it from that perspective, but I mean, yeah, why not save, you know, $30 or $40 that you were going to go spend eating out and spend it inside with a couple of your favorite snacks? Yeah, it actually sounds better.

You can tell your life coach, you can tell your life coach you learned about room dates.

I'm gonna tell her that I don't need her anymore because now I know what I'll save my hour of time with her, right? But I'll ask her, you know, maybe how to implement, uh, the room dates instead.

Yeah, that was, that was a big deal. And I mean, we've just had to talk through so many of those things. The other thing is, like, a healthy person, um, they can do multiple things in a night. And so for me, you know, I used to be able to get ready and go out and whatever we were gonna do that night, and then come home and whatever— I could do whatever I wanted to physically.

Yeah.

And when that gets taken away from you, one of the things that it took Aaron and I a long time to figure out is that, like, um, again, kind of going back to priorities— if we're going out, is the top priority to go out and actually go have dinner, or is the actual priority to actually have sex? Sex because if the priority is to have sex, we should just stay home and have a room date. But it just took us some time because he's healthy and he can do multiple things. So for him, he'd be like, hey, do you want to make out later? And I'm like, yeah, I think I want to, but like, I have no idea how I'm gonna feel in 4 hours. And so we had to just have these conversations constantly, like, hey, I'm up for it as long as You know, yeah, yeah, now is the time. Yeah, I'm like, hey, I've got 5 good minutes right now, do you want to—

I am symptomless right now and it's probably gonna last 5 to 10 minutes, ready?

Yes.

Yeah, I definitely know that feeling too of like, okay, I feel okay right now, so maybe now is the time. I think I could do that. But yeah, and it could fade quickly, it could fade in, you know, like you said, maybe 10 minutes.

Yeah. For sure. As we close out this segment, what advice would you give to other people, especially singles? Because you're a single and there's a different element involved. What have you learned as far as navigating this? You mentioned obviously communicating.

Yes. Um, I would say, yeah, just being patient with yourself too, like allowing yourself to be okay with not being intimate, like not forcing it onto yourself because that will just probably stress you out and stress obviously will be a flare of symptoms. So I would just say just being patient with yourself and communicating with the person that you're with or looking into being with that you let them know beforehand of what you're going through. I think that that probably is a big part of it.

Awesome. Leandra Peters, thank you again for being with us.

Thanks for having me.

For nearly 2 decades, Invita Medical Center has been leading the way with the latest in personalized treatment options designed for patients dealing with Lyme disease complex. At Invita Medical Center, they offer a team-style approach and the latest technology regarding treatment and testing. At an unmatched radical love and care environment for their patients. Call to speak to one of the patient care coordinators today to learn why hundreds of patients choose Invita Medical Center each year. You can find them online at invita.com. Disease is contrary to life. Therefore, wherever disease exists, life must also fight to exist.

Good job fighting, Lyme fighters! Keep it up. We'll see you next time. LymeVoice contains general information about medical conditions and treatments. The information is not advice and should not be treated as such. Okay, Lincoln?

Okay.

The medical information on LymeVoice is provided as is without any representations, warranties, expressed or implied. Okay?

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LymeVoice makes no representations or warranties in relation to the medical information on this podcast. You must not rely on the information on this podcast as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider. If you have any specific questions about your medical matter, you should consult your doctor or other professional healthcare provider. And for you, you consult your parents, okay? Okay. If you think you may be suffering from any medical condition, you should seek immediate medical attention. You should never delay seeking medical advice, disregard medical advice, or discontinue medical treatment because of information on this podcast. Got it, Lincoln?

Got it.