E9- Regulating yourself when parenting neurodiverse kids

Foreign. Welcome to episode nine of Unmasked Minds, the podcast. My name is Sarah. I am a psychologist and I work predominantly with middle aged millennial women navigating things like trauma, neurodivergence, perimenopause, and all the other things that we're managing in this chapter of life. I Sarah the psych on Instagram, and I've been getting so much amazing feedback about the podcast, but I've also had a lot of requests to do this exact episode. I am a psychologist and I have access and knowledge and skills and training in all of the tools, but I am also a mother of neurodivergent children. I'm neurodivergent myself, and I think I'm coming at this from a real raw, vulnerable perspective of how it truly feels to be raising neurodivergent children in today's society. And the first thing that I want to mention is what we now know is that most children who are diagnosed neurodiverse will have a neurodiverse parent, whether diagnosed or not. And so what we've really got to understand here is that we are trying to parent and regulate the disregulated nervous systems from our own disregulated nervous systems as well. And why that can be so challenging is when we are raising children who have different needs to what maybe we expected parenting to be like, then it can be difficult, because parenting is difficult just as it is. But it can also trigger things within us. It can trigger our wounded in a child whose needs weren't met when they were a neurodiverse child. And I think the other really huge consideration is because we are neurodiverse, certain things in our environment make us dysregulated. You know, for me, parenting, I've got four children and they are loud and they are chaotic and they don't like routine and there is no structure and there is so much on and we are so busy. And that is not great for my nervous system, right? So it's trying to navigate this reparenting ourselves while also parenting our children, usually in a way that is different, consciously different to how we were parented, right? It's like we know what we want to do differently. We are now of this generation where we have access to all of this information and we are sitting here going, I see my child for who they are. I love them, I value them. I respect their unique needs. I respect and understand the challenges of being neurodiverse and being asked to show up every day in a neurotypical schooling system for Example, and I know how I want to support their needs. I know how I want to respond to them. But the reality of it is, often we can't access that. We know how we want to parent. But when we are triggered, when we are overwhelmed, when we are dysregulated, we can't access the part of the brain where all those beautiful plans were. So this is like a real basic introduction into fight or flight mode. When we are in fight or flight mode, or we are worried or we are fearful, we're operating from the back of our brain, which is our amygdala and our limbic system. So when we are dysregulated, we're in fight or flight mode. And that's why we are unable to access our prefrontal cortex, which is the front of our brain, which is that part of our brain where when we are calm and regulated, we sit there and we go, okay, next time my child does that. Next time my child is losing it because they are disregulated. I'm going to be really calm and I'm going to sit there and I'm going to co regulate, I'm going to hold space for them, right? We make those plans and they're stored up here in the prefrontal cortex part of our brain. But when we are in the environment that's loud and chaotic and we're lacking sleep and we're not regulated, we start operating from the back of our brain and those beautiful plans, it's like they're going to waste. And then later, when we're calm, we regain access to that part of our brain and we go, oh, shit, why didn't I just do that thing? Why didn't I do what my psychologist said and take a few deep breaths? Why didn't I just sit down on their level? Why did I scream? Why did I act like my parents? Why did I rant and rage? Why did I do all of the things that I keep saying I'm not going to do? Because it doesn't align with who I am and who I want to be as a parent. And the answer is, because you're dysregulated. And when you're dysregulated and you're operating out of fight or flight mode, we're acting on survival, we're acting on instinct, and we're acting on emotions. And so always what I say to parents that are struggling to regulate themselves amongst the chaos of raising neurodivergent children, what I say is, you need to learn to regulate yourself. First. So it's really worth understanding or acknowledging that it's not that you don't know what to do, and it's not that you're a bad parent. It's just that number one insight does not equal regulation. We can think it all we like, but if we're not regulated, we can't follow through with it. And the other important factor is it's not about capability. Are you capable of parenting in that way? Absolutely. It's about capacity. And do you notice how the days that you lose it a bit more, you fly off the handle? You don't use your plans and strategies. They're usually days when there's other factors at play. You're sleep deprived, your hormones play a massive role, particularly if you, as the parent, are neurodivergent. Do you notice we have less capacity to manage our kids the way we would like. When there's trouble in our relationship, when there's stress at work, when there's extra things happening in our life, we are less able to hold the space to parent the way we want to parent. And that's where the guilt starts, right? I am so familiar with the guilt, and if I'm familiar with it, I know so many of you guys are familiar with it. So we do the thing, we act in that way, and then we pile on this thick layer of guilt. Now, guilt doesn't mean you're a bad parent. Guilt is an emotion and it comes to us to give us a message. All emotions come to us. We feel them in our body and they are messengers. Guilt is an emotion that comes to let you know that your whatever is happening right now is not aligned to your values. It is a signal that there is an opportunity for repair. That is a signal that there is an opportunity for reflection. Guilt is not evidence that you're a shitty parent. Guilt is not evidence that you've made so many mistakes that you're going to stuff your child up. Guilt is just a nice little reminder that, hey, that wasn't as aligned to your values as it could be. Now let's repair that. And so that's where I like to introduce this concept of healthy guilt versus toxic guilt. Healthy guilt is recognizing the emotion, asking what it's trying to tell us, and using that to then create repair or create change in a really compassionate way. Okay, I've done it again. It's the fifth time I've done that this week. I really need to look after myself more so that I'm not doing that. Toxic guilt, on the other hand, turns into shame. It turns into disconnection. I'm a bad parent. I'm not good. So I'm going to pull away from my child. And when we repeat this toxic guilt, when we continue to tell ourselves that we are the problem, that we're stuffing up, that we're making mistakes, we start to believe it. The other emotion that so many people talk about when they're parenting neurodiverse children is anger. I hear it all the time, and I'm guilty of it myself. I'm able to be really present, and I'm sitting there and I'm managing this like I'm. What's coming to mind for me is mornings on school days, right? Getting into the car, getting to the bus. We've got sensory issues with shoes. We've got. We're rushing them, they're dysregulated, all of that kind of stuff. And I so often hear. Then I snap and I yell and I get really angry at them, and then I feel guilty for that. Now, anger as an emotion exists for a reason, too. Anger exists as an emotion to tell us that our needs are not being met or that a boundary has been crossed for us. So, for example, for me, what I know is I am more likely to lose it and snap when there's a lot of noise. So when I am being overstimulated, I'm hypersensitive to noise. It's part of my sensory profile. If there's a lot of noise is going on, I'm going to have a lot less capacity to stay in the parenting zone that I would like to stay in. Anger can also be like this signal that things are too much for me right now. I can't do this by myself. I need support, I need help. I'm exhausted, I'm unsupported, and I just don't know what I'm doing. They can all be reasons why you're feeling angry. Listening to your anger is important. I am feeling angry right now. What is that trying to tell me, and what do I need to do with that? Right? I'm feeling unsupported. Where the fuck is my husband? He's in the other room. Why isn't he out here? Okay, I need to go and ask him to come out here. We need to have a conversation. We need to set some boundaries or expectations around this. Anger is healthy when you're able to regulate it. It's when it's not regulated that it becomes a problem. And so then everybody says, well, how do I regulate the anger? Because in that moment when the kids were doing this and they were setting me off and I was getting up, up, up, up, up. I tried the breathing, sa box breathing. I tried to meditate. I went outside and it didn't work. And I'm like, yeah, no wonder it didn't work because it was too late at that stage. Right. It's the type of thing, you know, grounding and regulating and nervous system resets don't just work in the moment because you want them to and somebody told them to. They are a practice. I often use the analogy that it's like learning a new sport or to do something at the gym. So let's say I, I said to you, four weeks from today, I'm going to give you a million dollars if you can deadlift 100 kilos for me right now. Most people respond to that with, okay, can't do that right now. But yeah, I could probably learn to deadlift 100 kilos in four weeks. But I'm going to get started on it straight away. I say, well, what are you going to do? Okay, I'm going to get a personal trainer or a coach to help me with it and I'm going to train those musc not only the muscles used in the deadlift, but the complementary muscles. So I'm not just going to deadlift, I'm going to do a heap of other stuff at the gym so that when I want to deadlift, it's available to me. I'm also probably going to work on my nutrition and eat a lot of protein so I can grow the muscles so that I can do the deadlift. I'm also going to make sure I get enough sleep and drink enough water and all of the things that we know are going to set us up so that in that moment when we want to do that deadlift to get the million dollars, it is available to us. Yeah. And I love this example because we can see the incentive. The incentive is the million dollars, and we can see that what happens in that moment when you deadlift the hundred kilos? It's not about that moment. It's about the cumulation of everything that happened before that moment. And I say mindfulness meditation and breath work is just the same. It is a practice. If you want to be able to do it in the moment. Let's say the moment is when there's a dysregulated child and we're dysregulated as well. The million dollars in this situation is to be able to regulate myself, to be able to Regulate myself, stay regulated so that I have the capacity to co regulate with my child. Okay? To many people, when I put it that way, they're like, yeah, that's worth a million dollars to me, right? So think about the goal. The goal is to be able to be regulated in those moments when you really need it. So now you need to ask yourself, what do I need to do so that I'm prepared in that moment, right? Do I need a coach? Do I need a trainer? Do I need all of these things which just come so naturally when we're talking about the deadlift? What do I need to support myself, to train my muscles, to light up those parts of the brain, to build new neural networks so that in those moments when everything is going to shit, I have the capacity, it is available to me. A box breathing set is not just going to be this new foreign thing that someone on Instagram told me to do. Box breathing is going to be something that I've practiced every, every single day. So when I do it in that moment, it just lights up that part of the brain. Then the body knows to calm down and regulate itself. So when people ask me, what do I need to do differently, it's learn to regulate your nervous system. Now that can be on somatic exercises like your breathing, like your yoga, like your meditation. And it's always about finding what works for you. It's not a one size fits all. I don't do all of those things. I have one or two of those things that I know works for me. The other side of it is to understand what is causing your dysregulation. What is causing you to be moving outside of your window of tolerance so that you can't manage your behavior or your responses. Now, some of that might be similar to your child, right? Is it sensory? Is there too much light? Is there too much noise? Is there too much stuff going on in your environment from a sensory perspective, okay, so it's about understanding your own neurodivergent profile. Is it when things change? Do you love structure and routine? And it's when the kids are running late and that puts pressure on you from that perspective. So understanding what is it in me that is happening that's causing me to be dysregulated? Or is it deeper work than that? Is it childhood wounds? Is it schemas? You know, do you have an unrelenting standard schema where you expect yourself to perform at an exceptional level all the time? It's unrelenting. I perform highly at work, but I also Perform highly as a parent. And in those moments that the kids aren't doing what I want them to do, it's representing to me that I'm failing or I'm not reaching my own standard. And that's triggering me, and that's causing dysregulation regulation. Because that's scary for me, because the way I manage my needs not being met as a child or not feeling validated or not feeling worthy as a child was through performance. And when I can't control this performance here of my child, it makes me feel less than and it triggers me. And all of a sudden I'm feeling dysregulated. So we can work on it from many different angles. What is going on? What is being triggered for me, my childhood wounds, what is happening in my nervous system, potentially from a neurodivergen perspective. But then even understanding those is not enough if you don't know how to regulate your own nervous system. And again, you need to be regulating it every day so that it's available for you in those moments. And that is the key. So many people don't commit to that. When things feel good, they stop the practice and then wonder why it's not available to them in the moment. The tools can be really simple. They don't have to be extreme. Like somatic hypertropic, however you say it, breath work all the time. It could be getting one simple tool like box breathing and perfecting it and really doing it when you feel safe and teaching your nervous system that that is your thing, so that when you do that, it really just relaxes the entire body. Essentially what we are trying to do with this somatic work is tap into our vagus nerve, right? Our vagus nerve is this beautiful nerve that runs throughout our entire body. I like to think of it as that tree in the movie Avatar. You know, there's that tree and it's connected to everything. And it, like when they connect with the energy and the wisdom of the tree, they use their tails to connect with it rather than talking to it. I like to think of my vagus nerve as this, like, electrical kind of current that exists within me, but I can't talk to it, right? And if my brain is in panic mode and is yelling at my body, get into fight or flight mode, which usually ends in yelling at the kids. I'm yelling at the kids because I'm panicked and it's going, we're not okay. We're not okay. We're not okay. There's too much. There's this Message coming down from my brain to my body and putting my body into fight or flight mode. What we need to do to get out of that fight or flight mode is tap into this vagus nerve and send a message back up to the brain that we're okay down here. Yeah, we're, we're okay. She's in control. She's got this. We don't need to be in fight or flight mode anymore. Disarm fight or flight mode, essentially. And the way we do that is by sending messages through our vagus nerve. Now, vagus nerve does not speak English. It speaks energy and it speaks breath. So if I can do something as simple as box breathing, which is breathe in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four, and repeat. If I can do that enough and train my body, that that is what safety feels like for me, then when I do that, in the moment of dysregulation, it signals to my brain, hey, it's okay down here. False alarm. She's all right. She's in control. So, learning what are your go to strategies? So it could be box breathing, it could be grounding, you know, going outside or wherever you are and naming five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can smell, two things you can hear, and one thing you can taste. The five senses. But that might be your one thing that allows you to bring yourself out of your head, out of the worry, out of the fear, and back into controlling your body. There might be different. There's lots of different breathwork strategies and things like that. There's lots of mindfulness, there's lots of grounding strategies. And like I said, you don't need to know all of them. You just need one or two that work for you, and you need to be doing them every day. One of one ritual that a lot of my clients use is getting up early in the morning. I know that's hard when you're sleep deprived, but again, is the million dollars worth it? Right? We are going to have to do things differently if we want things to change. Right? We need to think differently, but we also need to have rituals and behaviors that support the way we think. Right? So a lot of my clients will get up early in the morning before the kids wake up, they'll make a cup of tea or coffee and they'll go and sit outside and maybe just do a 10 minute meditation where we focus on setting your intentions for the day, calming your nervous system with deep breaths and just honoring yourself and just setting yourself up to Respond to situations in a way that aligns with your values. Now that is what we call an anchor. It is a ritual. It is something that you do every day to tap into your nervous system and to show yourself, hey, I've got this and I'm worthy of this. And this really matters to me. And I guess one thing I haven't really talked about is there's so many nuances and challenges and complexities with raising neurodiverse children. And one of the emotions comes up a lot for me particularly is grief. You know, it's like grieving the fact that your parenting journey or your relationship with your child is different to how you thought it would be or what you wanted or thought you wanted or thought that you needed. And I think the more we can hold space for that and allow that to be grief, it doesn't make you ungrateful, it doesn't make you not love your child any less. But the more we can, you know, surround ourselves with like minded people where we can have those conversations, it says, this is really hard and this isn't what I expected. And there are many days where it's also, I don't enjoy this and I wish it were different. And that doesn't mean you don't love your kid. It doesn't mean you're not capable, it doesn't mean that you're not doing a great job. But it's about really just sitting in that and acknowledging that emotion, validating that emotion and allowing yourself to process it. If you are raising a neurodiverse child in today's society, then it is hard. It is difficult. It is challenging for most people. You don't see that a lot though, because we don't share it a lot, you know, not only for privacy reasons for our children, but also because, like, people don't go and post that shit on social media. People don't post the hard stuff. We only post the things that feel good. And that's okay. But we need to understand that when we're navigating social media. Another point worth making is that repair is better than perfection. And I did do a whole podcast episode on this recently. How to repair. When you've made a mistake or you've not parented in the way that you would like to. Every time we do lose it or get dysregulated or whatever it is that we're doing presents an opportunity to repair. Presents an opportunity for us to sit with our kid on their level and again, explain what happened. Not to justify it, not because it's okay. But in doing that repair for ourselves, it also teaches our children how to repair. And let's be honest, if our children are neurodiverse, there's going to be times when they get dysregulated in public or with in relationships and they need to know how to repair. So we're role modeling it to them. Then it can only be a benefit for them later in life as well. What I want to say is you will lose your cool, and that's okay. There are so many of us out there doing this work and trying to be better and getting it wrong sometimes. And that is all right. I think it's important for you that you learn your nervous system. You know what? I'm almost making this assumption that you know how to parent your kids, you know what their needs are, because that's usually what's happening. We know what we need for our kids. We just don't know what we need for us. So put the focus on you. What are your needs? What do you need to learn to regulate yourself so that you can support your kid the way you want to? If I was to leave you with one message, it would be parenting neurodiverse kids as a neurodiverse parent is complex. It's layered. And no two people's experiences are the same. And when you happen to get it wrong or when you happen to do it in a way that doesn't align with your values, it is not a moral failure. It is not a personal failure. It's just nervous system work. And at the same time, you're parenting your children, you're reparenting yourself. So cut yourself a little bit of slack. You are not alone.