Ep3- Getting out of your own way (stop approval seeking behaviours!)

Foreign. Welcome to episode three of Unmasked Minds, the podcast. Today we are going to be talking about getting out of your own way for approval seeking girls. And basically what that means is when you notice yourself self sabotaging or getting in your own way because you're worried about what other people are going to think. And I thought, what a perfect episode because I'm going through it at the moment with myself when it comes to podcasting. So I thought, what a great opportunity to share with you how I plan and am trying to get out of my own. One thing I've been saying for at least 12 months is that I have a block when it comes to podcasting or filming videos of myself. Most of you would know I've been on Instagram for over seven years and eight every single day I get on and I talk so naturally to Instagram stories. I am comfortable doing that for a number of reasons. Number one, I'm used to it. It was not comfortable when I first started. So if any of you are starting to do Instagram stories and this podcast may be fantastic for you as well. So I remember having a block when I started that, but for now it's familiar. I'm comfortable with it. I know how to do it and I know my audience. A lot of people have followed me on there for a very long time. They know me deeply, they know my intention, and I don't feel unsafe stepping into that area and being imperfect when I do that. But when it comes to podcasting, the fear inside of me and what I'm noticing, and I've been avoiding it completely, if I tune in to the thoughts, feelings and behaviors and really try to acknowledge them, the thoughts have been, what if you get it wrong? What if you miss something? What if you say the wrong thing? There is no way you're gonna get it perfectly. People are gonna judge you. There are a lot of psychologists out there who do watch other people's content and critique it. And I've seen that in real life. So that has kind of scarred me, to be honest. What if people don't like it? What if you fuck it up? What if some girl that doesn't like you from high school jumps on and has a look what that ex boyfriend of yours looks at it and thinks, oh my God, who does she think she is? Right? Seriously, approval seeking thoughts. And what I mean by that was, as a child I learned due to my family environment and the expectations on me as a girl, that what other people thought of me was more important than what I thought of myself. Right? And a classic way to sense check if you might have an approval seeking schema is I used to walk into a room full of people that I didn't know, whether it was for a work event or a social event or a kids school event, and I would instantly feel nervous and I would think to myself, I wonder what they will think of me. I wonder if I'm wearing the right clothes, I'm wondering if I'm saying the right things. And afterwards I would overthink everything. Did I say the right things? Were they rejecting me? Did they like look at me funny and I'm hypersensitive to any feedback? Now, number one, this is an approval seeking schema because I learned that other people's opinions of me were really important. The other thing I want to touch on is rejection sensitive dysphoria for a late diagnosed ADHD woman. This is something I certainly resonate with rs and essentially RSD is this hypersensitivity to either real or perceived rejection from others. Now, essentially it's a trauma response. It's a trauma response from being ADHD or neurodiverse as a child. And when I would show up as me, I would receive negative feedback or criticism for that. Stop being so loud. Stop being so much. Stop interrupting, Stop doing that. So I developed this hyper vigilante vigilance around. Well, if I can notice people rejecting me, then I can maybe step in and minimize the pain that caused. Maybe I can do more to impress them. Maybe I can change what I'm doing and change their impression of me. Or maybe I can avoid and pull back before it hurts too much. So anyway, typical ADHD form. I've completely forgotten where I was up to, but I will just restart again. So what I'm noticing with this podcasting is all of these thoughts coming up and I've recorded two episodes already and instantly that worry around, what are people gonna think? I didn't get it right. I didn't get it perfect. I missed that bit. That stuff came out wrong. Oh my God. I'm leaving myself open to judgment. So I'm noticing all of that. I'm noticing those thoughts and then I'm noticing how those thoughts are making me feel quite anxious. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit panicked. I'm feeling exposed, my heart is racing, I'm getting really sweaty palms even just talking about it. So I'm noticing I'm being aware. That's the first step. Be aware of what is being triggered. My schema and my RSD are probably Being triggered together in this situation, why are they being triggered? Because I'm doing something new. I'm putting myself out there. And for someone whose brain works the way mine does, that is a real scary thing because you're leaving yourself open. So I notice the thoughts, I then notice how that makes me feel and then I start to notice the behaviors. What do those thoughts and feelings lead to behaviourally? Well, avoidance. I have not done this. I've been thinking about a podcast and encouraged to do a podcast for years and I haven't done it. I never record videos more than 60 seconds long because I just worry so much. So the thoughts are there, the feelings are there. Feeling in my body and that causes me to avoid. It also causes me to be hypercritical of myself and sometimes it even causes me to go like, all right, just delete it and start again. That was shit. Don't do it. Walk away. It's too much. You not cut out for this kind of stuff, right? So noticing I'm doing this, if you're watching the video, I'm moving my finger in a triangle pattern because I like to say the thoughts, feelings and behaviors are at the tips of those triangles. So once we notice what is happening for us and we can step outside how it feels, we can notice what are those thoughts, feelings and behaviors. We can then link it back to our schemas or our past. I know that I feel that way because as a child that's what I learned. And no, it wasn't my parents intentions and no, it was never set out that that was how I should learn, but it is what I picked up. I learned that other people's opinions of me were more important than my opinion of myself. And so when we're doing this kind of work, we now have to draw a line almost in the sand and say, how would I prefer to think, feel and behave in this situation when I'm trying something new and that schema gets triggered? How would I prefer to respond so that I can get out of my own way? Because what happens is we just continue that loop and by avoiding, by fueling those thoughts, feelings and behaviors, I avoid the podcast and therefore don't expose myself to the risk. And my brain says, see, it worked, it worked. You didn't get criticized and therefore I did the right thing. Give me a pat on the back, I saved you. And next time you try something new, I'm going to do the same thing because it saved you last time. The reason why we want to break that cycle is because in my Case. It is holding me back from doing things that I really want to do. It is holding me back from releasing a podcast and putting out there what I want to put out there that aligns so wholeheartedly with my purpose and with helping women and with just connecting with other people. So that's why I want to do the work. Because I can see that this pattern I'm getting stuck in isn't serving me any longer. It definitely served me as a child when I needed to fit in and belong and avoid criticism. It's not serving me as an adult who knows her values, who knows her worth and really wants to get this shit done. Right? So if we were to redraw that triangle now and we said, what would I prefer to think, feel and behave. And you don't have to do it in this order, but I tend to start with the thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Taking in mind, the thoughts are only. You're only able to address them if they are conscious. That's why we do work like schema work, because we can use that schema model to say, here is a pattern called unrelenting standards or self sacrificing or approval seeking. Or we can use something like rejection sensitivity dysphoria to help you become aware of the thoughts that may have just been unconscious up until now. So you know what I would prefer to think when I've just recorded my first two episodes of this podcast that I've wanted to do for a long time. I would rather. I'd rather think like my biggest cheerleader than. Rather than be my biggest critic, right? I'd rather watch it. And it is not perfect. It is far from perfect. And I did fuck up the words and I missed things out, right? But I would rather replace those thoughts with, hey, I'm so proud of you. You know what? You gave it a go and that's cool. And even though it's not perfect, what you said is still good. It is still good enough and it will help people. And you know what? I am just so proud of you. You did it. You overcame those things and you did it. Can you notice how that would change how I feel? Did you just notice in my voice and for those watching in my body language, that when I started speaking to myself like that, it changed the way my body started responding. So all of a sudden I started to feel a bit like, if I tried to label it, it's a bit of giddiness, even my stomach's churning a little bit. There's a lightness in my chest, there's a warmth in my chest and I'd almost say I feel a bit proud. I feel a lot calmer. My heart rate has slowed down and the behavior as a result of that is to embrace. Just going to record another one. I'm going to keep going. You know what? I'm actually going to record a podcast about what I'm experiencing to share that. Because when I am able to draw that line in the sand and work on a response that is more aligned to who I am and who I want to be versus how I was conditioned, it starts to align with my values and it starts to become much more accessible to me. As you do this, it does become easier at first. It's like, oh my gosh, I have clients say to me, yeah, easy for you to say because you haven't to think, feel and behave that way because you haven't lived my life and you're not in my shoes. And yes, you are right, it is bloody hard to begin with. But isn't this the point? It's why we call it the work. Therapy is doing the work and it is hard work. But everybody that is in therapy is in therapy because they want to be doing things differently. They want to be feeling living differently to how they are now. And they acknowledge that it's going to take some work to rewire or to change the way we think, feel and behave. So I guess today we've touched on a couple of things. Number one, schemas, which I will definitely do another podcast on. What are schemas? Schemas. How do we know what our schemas are? I actually have a whole online course on schemas. I've touched a bit on rejection sensitivity, dysphoria. And for a late diagnosed ADHD woman, the combination of, you know, knowing what I know about my adhd, my rejection sensitivity, dysphoria, and my approval seeking and the nuances and connections between all of those. But more importantly, I've addressed sort of a cognitive behavioral therapy concep where we start to say, well, let's create awareness around what's happening and why I am thinking, feeling and behaving the way I am. And let's create an alternative because our brain will always default back into what it knows until we start to build it a new path, until we start to give it an alternative. One of the things I discuss a lot with my clients is they might come in and say, all right, here's the old way of thinking and here's the new alternative. And then they'll come Back two weeks later and say, sarah, I couldn't do it in the moment. I couldn't do it. And afterwards I thought, oh, damn it, why didn't I do that thing that I discussed in therapy? Now, there's a number of things I can talk to to explain that, but one analogy that I love to give, I call it the bushwalk. When you are trying to change the way you respond to a situation, I want you to think of it like this. And whether you are using the language of schemas or emotional intelligence or whatever it is, if you are rewiring a part of your brain, then this analogy can be effective. Let's say that we were going on a bushwalk. Think of a bushwalk local to where you live at the moment, maybe one that you've done a number of times. If you and I were to go on that bushwalk and we were to just walk along as we do every day, you kind of know where it is. You feel very comfortable there, right? And you're used to it. Think of that as you working in your default brain patterns. In my approval seeking, if I just do it this way and put everybody else's approval above my own, it just kind of works for me. But now it's like I'm coming in and saying to you, do you know there's another bushwalk? Do you know? If you just take the path 3 meters to the right, the views are stunning. You can actually. It's a bit dangerous. You get pretty close to the cliff, but you can actually see dolphins. Let's say you're bushwalking near the beach, or you can see the home of these wild animals. And let's say you get really excited by that. You get really excited about this opportunity to do things a little bit differently, because you can see the value that that would bring to your life. And you say, yes, Sarah, let's try the new bushwalk. And let's say for the first few times, I meet you there in the mornings, I get up and I meet you there, and I walk with you. Think of this like a therapy session. We map it out. We do it together. And I help you, and I support you, and I say, no, we go this way. But if you look there, you'll see this. And if you turn this way, we go here, right? And you start to get, you know, that energy of, yeah, I love this way. I'm going to do it this way all the time. This way really serves me. I get a lot out of this way. But imagine one day I Say, sorry, I can't come. I'm not coming on the bushwalk with you today. Instantly, your brain is going to say, oh, that feels different. Maybe I just go back to the other way. Let's say you overcome that. You say, no, I want to stick to the new path. And you start walking it and you get a little bit lost. Your brain is instantly in this new environment with a little bit of a fear, a little bit of unknown. It's going to say to you, hey, get back on the other path. Get back on the other path. It is just easier, you don't know, depending on your schemas and, you know, your own life experiences. You don't know what you're doing over here. You're going to get lost. This is unsafe. Get back on the other path and you can ask Sarah about it later. Right. This happens all the time in real life. We say, we're going to do something new. We start it, something changes, and we go back to the other path. I use this a lot when we're talking about new fitness or wellness routines with my clients. You know, yes. It's the start of a new year. I'm going to exercise four times a week. I'm going to get up early before the kids wake up and move my body. And we do it, and it's really exciting. And we're on the new path, and then something changes. We go back to school or someone gets sick or something like that happens, and all of a sudden we end up back on the old path. Right. And that's where then people throw in all of this shame. See, I couldn't do it. I was unworthy. I was never good enough. I'm just. I don't have the motivation. I don't have the discipline. And we end up staying over on that path. When we are truly trying to rewire our brain, we've got to acknowledge that that's okay, that we will do that. And that is not failure. That is our brain doing exactly what it's designed for. It is designed to keep us safe. It is designed to keep us comfortable. It is designed to keep us away from risk. And new things present risk to our brain. And so let's continue with the wellness example. What I would say to my clients when they stop their new routine is I would say, oh, do you see? You just went back on the other path. Yes. What was it that happened that made you go back onto the other path? Kids were sick, husband went back to work. It was raining. Ah, yeah, that makes sense. Okay. What would we like to do next time that happens? What would we like to think, feel and behave instead of thinking, oh my God, it's changed, I feel anxious, I'm just not going to go. What else would we like to think, feel and behave? When it does rain next time I'm going to think, actually, you know, I can still go for a walk when it's raining. I'd still go to the gym. I just might need to do it a little bit differently. I'm going to feel okay about it. I'm not going to trigger myself into fight or flight mode, so I'm going to be able to access that and what is the behavior I do it? The new path is going to have lantana, it's going to have wild animals, it's going to have spiderwebs every morning. But you just need to keep choosing it more often. Yeah, it's not that you have to choose it every day, but if we continue to understand, why is it that I default back to the other path without judgment, without the shame, without the guilt, if we continue to build self awareness and self understanding and self compassion and we support ourselves to get back on the new path, then it is more likely to be sustainable than if we go back over and become our biggest critic. So I love the path analogy. Whenever we are trying something new and if I relate it back to the start of this story where I'm talking about my approval seeking, worrying about other people, then I gently say to myself, hey, Sarah, you're over here about to press delete on a podcast over on your old path because you're worried that some girl from high school that never liked you anyway is going to maybe share this with someone else and have a laugh at your expense. That's what you're worried about. And I go, yeah. And the little girl inside of me goes, yeah, you got it. You nailed it. That's what I'm worried about. I'm worried about being judged because it reminds me of how it felt to be judged as a little girl who really didn't have a lot of support at home and didn't understand herself and just really was so confused. And I gently say, you're not that little girl anymore. You have come so far and you no longer care about what other people think. In that sense, you no longer have to change who you are to fit in because you understand that you never actually had to do that. And so what I do, I don't press delete. I press record on a new episode. And I said to myself, there will always be people who judge you, and they're just not your people. One of my favorite quotes that I use when I'm working on my approval seeking schema is you can be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world, and there are still going to be people who don't like peaches. So what I try to do now, when I walk into a room, a crowded room of people, I notice the fear. I notice the panic coming in my body. I notice this desire to people please and to get their approval. And I take a deep breath and instead of saying to myself, sarah, what if they don't like you? I say to myself, hey, Sarah, what if you don't like them? And I walk into the room. Anyway, thank you for listening to this podcast. I'd love to hear your feedback and your comments. Let me know.