'Just As You Are'

Okay, so welcome again, uh, welcome if you're, uh, watching later. And the topic this evening, um, is Just As You Are, which is a very familiar topic to Pure Land Buddhists. But, um, if you're not, I know you the guys here are Pierre Lambris. But if you're not, we can, we can equally apply the concept of being accepted just as we are. You might want to think of nature accepting you just as you are, or a group of your loved ones kind of between them accepting you just as you are. Um, whatever it is, great love in the universe. Um, so we will— I will be using the Buddha, the specifically Amida Buddha, as I speak this evening, but you can substitute that in for something else if you want to. So before we start, we usually begin with a centering breath just so we can all arrive into this space together, whether you're here in the space, um, at 7 o'clock on a Monday evening or another time. So just taking a deep breath, allowing ourselves to settle, moving into a space of non-distraction, um, which can be challenging on the computer, but, uh, That's the, the invitation, is to just leave everything else behind for a little while and be here with me. Um, so we'll begin. Ah, Alex has just arrived, so I will just let Alex in. Welcome, Alex. You haven't missed anything. I'm just about to begin, so to have you here. So I will begin with the quote, uh, the poem by Inagaki, which we had on the abled outside the Brighter Temple for many years. We should get it back up on there. Uh, it's a very simple, very simple poem. Just as you are, really just as you are. Um, so this is a really central idea— hi Alex— for, um, for Bright Earth Buddhists, and it's something that is particularly relevant to Pure Land Buddhism rather than Buddhism as a whole. Um, I think it appears in religion in various places, um, but, but certainly when I encountered it, the the first time, it was, it was really radically different to anything I'd experienced before in a spiritual context, but also in a human context, in, um, in my relationship with others. Um, I can, I can still remember really clearly attending my first Buddhist practice session in the Buddhist House, maybe 15 years ago now. And not really understanding much of what was happening, and then chatting with a couple of my fellow students in the living room afterwards, and they were talking about this idea that we're fallible beings and that we're kind of driven by our greed and our hate and our delusion, and we are accepted just as we are. Um, and there was something about hearing that that just kind of lit me up because it was the combination of being allowed, being recognized as human, kind of deeply fallible and human, and being seen by the Buddha and accepted just as I was. And even as I heard it, I think there was probably a mixture of, oh, that feels amazing, and I don't think that's possible, or, or also, um, what proof is there of that? Or, you know, how— why should I believe that? Why, why should that be a thing? Um, so I will, I will go through a few different aspects over the, the next half an hour or so, and then we'll have time for reflections and questions at the end. Which will either be, um, I'll do some on, on the video and then stop the video if people want to speak and not be recorded. Um, and I'm going to look at what this means. What does it mean, just as you are? Is it true? What disadvantages might there be? How can it actually help us in our lives? Um, it's really important that any teachings, in my opinion, have an actual effect on us or actually help us in some way. And finally, how— if we, if we want more of this in our life, how do we actually connect with it? How do we, how do we open ourselves up to it? How do we access it? How do we allow it to enter us? Um, so what does it mean for me? Just as you are doesn't mean that the Buddha is delighted when we cause harm to ourselves or other people. What it means for me is that the Buddha deeply understands why we cause harm. And I say we cause harm rather than those of us that cause harm. I can just speak for myself. I certainly cause harm to myself and others. I don't think I've ever met anyone who's never caused any harm to anyone. Um, and as an example, I'll use an example just to give you a sense of what I'm describing as I describe it. A couple of years ago now, I went to a networking event and I was on a table with people I didn't know, and there were lots of people in the room I didn't know, lots of local people. And I can't remember what the purpose of the event was, but we— there was people speaking, and then we were sharing things on the table. And I noticed that I was feeling really, really critical of the people on my table, um, and of the people that were speaking.

I was—

every time someone spoke, I was having a judgmental thought about them. Um, I was thinking that they weren't saying intelligent things. I was thinking, um, that they were kind of socially awkward. Lots, lots of various judgments, um, and hopefully I didn't show it, uh, but, but it may well be that I, that I wasn't warm or that I wasn't interested in them, or I was kind of not, you know, I was— some of that, some of that judgment may have seeped out. Um, so if we take this example of something in me that was not very nice, um, my experience is that when I really deeply understand what's going on when, when, when I'm doing something that's not, that's not, um, skillful, um, I can see that, that what I'm doing is self-protective. I can see that, that my behavior is actually trying to protect me from something. Um, and with the model of therapy that I use, Internal Family Systems, that's, that's kind of baked into the theory that the parts of us that are unskillful. They're doing something because it's the only thing they can think of doing that, that stops something worse from happening. Um, and in my example, what I realized later on in the day, after being taken aback by the, the strength of my, my critical feeling, was that actually I, I was feeling quite vulnerable in the space because nobody knew me. I didn't know anyone, and I was, I was wondering if people liked me, and I was feeling underskilled compared to some of the people in the room. Um, so if I could feel better than them, if I could feel superior to them in some way, then I didn't have to feel that vulnerability. I didn't have to feel the uncomfortableness of, um, of my, of my kind of feeling wobbly about myself, I guess. It's a sort of a low self-esteemy sort of part of me. Um, so this part knew that this part of me could see that I was going to feel vulnerable, and it's jumped ahead and put everyone else down. And then I felt much better.

I felt—

I was feeling quite superior and, and, and likable and clever. Um, and it's still, it's still not a very nice thing to— it's still not very nice to have those judgments. But when I can see the vulnerability behind the, the, the kind of the spikiness Um, I feel more warm towards myself. I feel like, oh, okay, yeah, that's— and it's understandable that you were doing that. Um, and I think that's what the Buddha sees when the Buddha sees us causing chaos in the world, or trying our best but failing, or, um, being spiky with people, losing our patience. Or doing things that are worse, you know, causing, causing harm in, in much more severe ways. The Buddha sees behind that to the vulnerability that we're trying to protect ourselves from. In my case, there was a kind of a low self-esteemy kind of vulnerability. It's often shame that we're trying to protect ourselves from or stop from rising up. Because shame is a really horrible thing to feel, and most of us will unconsciously do various things to stop us from— stop ourselves from being overwhelmed by that shame. I read a really good book about violence in America, in the prison, and people that are in the prison system, and how, um, when, when this man met the men who were inside and had done terrible, you know, murderers and rapists and when he got to know them, he, he could, he could see that, that the violence was a defense against feeling terrible about themselves, feeling shame. And the bigger the shame that, that had been kind of baked into them through the culture that they'd grown up in, which includes the racism, racism of, of the culture and the all kinds of historical and familial systems of oppression. The bigger the shame, the, the, the bigger the act of violence was to help themselves to feel some pride or some, some, some okayness in themselves, in themselves. Um, So there's something about seeing that vulnerability behind the unskillful behavior, and there's also for me something about the Buddha seeing how difficult it can be to make a different choice. Um, I guess in my example, there was something very unconscious about my behavior that I just found myself being like this. It wasn't like I sat down and thought, right, I've got some vulnerability coming up, like, what am I going to do to, to sort it just— I just— the judgments came in because that part just stepped in and did its thing. And I only had the space to reflect on that later because I was out of that situation and I was no longer at risk of feeling vulnerable or feeling silly or feeling unlikable. Um, so that, that when our, our parts take up all the space, they are— they don't give us any room to reflect. But they can also be very intense. And again, the more intense the feelings are that we're trying to avoid, the more intense the behavior will be. Um, so we might want to look at addiction as an example of how incredibly difficult it can be to make different choices. That I've spent lots of time around alcoholics and people with, with various addictions, and that group of people generally have a massive amount of self-will, more than, than most of us. People sometimes think people in addiction don't have self-will, but they have more, um, than, than most of us do. But, but even so, the strength of the compulsion becomes so intense that it's very, very difficult to, to make a different choice. And I think the Buddha gets that too. I think the Buddha can see how, um, how incredibly, how incredibly difficult it can be to, to make those changes. Um, and I, you know, I think that, that we always do have a choice, but sometimes, you know, the choice that we have is really tiny, or it can take a huge amount of, of courage, or a huge amount of, um, of effort, or sometimes it needs the world to, to kind of come together in a way that, that something is possible for the first time. Um, so, so I hope that as I'm talking, you're getting a flavor for, for how I imagine that Buddha sees us just as we are, is that the Buddha sees behind the behavior that, that is difficult to see for us as humans. When we see behavior that is unskillful, it's very hard for me certainly to, to hold on to that compassionate, curious kind of gaze. Um, but the Buddha just does that naturally, and, and that's what we're on the end of, is that depth of understanding that vastness of compassion, that unending patience that human beings find a bit more difficult. So that's what does it mean for me. The next thing I wanted to touch in on is, is it true? Is it true that the Buddha really does accept us just as we are? Personally, I, I still have parts that, that find it hard to believe that I am acceptable just as I am. And I think there's maybe a couple of reasons for that. One is that it, at the very, the very worst of me, the, the, the times where I have thoughts or I do things or I don't do things, um, those kind of often they're quite desperate times, I guess, desperate acts or compulsive acts or dishonest acts. Because I know how intensely awful those things are, it's hard for me to believe that the Buddha can really see them and still accept me. And I think it's also hard for me because there are parts of me that really don't accept me, that there are parts of me that really judge those, those, um, those unskillful parts. And they do that because it's their job to judge me, because they feel like if they really judge me, then they're going to get me to change. So for those parts, I think it's especially hard to imagine that I really am acceptable right now without any improvements. Um, and another reason I think it's hard for me to imagine is when I encounter other people, and I won't name any names, but there are some public names that we can probably all conjure quite easily. When we witness the behavior of other people who, who are in power and who are causing, you know, unspeakable harm to, to, to so many people. It's difficult for me to really, um, I don't want to say trust, but it's almost like I don't want to believe that the Buddha would accept that person just as they are. Because what would that mean? What does it mean that the Buddha accepts those people just as they are? The people that, that murder and rape and, um, act in ways that lead to wars or famines or, um, deaths, uh, That's— and it's reminding me of the, the talk Casper did about, um, no blame. How is it to— how do we fit that into our, to, to, to our view that, that those people are also acceptable? Um, and I guess that What we're asked to believe in Pure Land Buddhism is that it is true that we can't imagine it and the Buddha can do it. That, that again, it doesn't mean that the Buddha is in any way approving of, of the things that people do that lead to harm and my kind of intuitive sense is that it probably makes the Buddha really sad. But the Buddha can see that those people are also acting from, uh, a compulsion to protect themselves from internal overwhelm, from, from, from what it is inside them that, that, that drives them to behave in that way. And who knows how we would behave if we had their history and we were in that position? Who knows? Who knows if we would be able to make different choices? Um, so what we're not being asked to do is be the Buddha. We're not being asked to, to look at people that are, are really causing deep harm and accept them just as we are. But what we are being asked to do is imagine that, that there is a compassionate force that can accept them as they are whilst also wishing that they would be different. Um, it kind of involves a very deep level of forgiveness. I think it's, it's, so maybe it's an ongoing process of forgiveness. Um, that comes from, um, from a place of deep faith, I guess, that there's something that, that there's the, the, the, the Buddha isn't needing to protect themselves in any way, or or feeling threatened, personally threatened in any way, or hasn't got a limit to the suffering that they can witness without having a kind of an internal closing off or pushing away. And I think certainly my own experience is when I witness someone causing suffering, it's hard to witness the suffering without feeling something. Towards the person that's causing the suffering. Um, yeah, so are there— if, if we do, um, move forwards with this idea that it is possible to be accepted just as we are, then are there any disadvantages to that? Is there anything that, um, are there any pitfalls? Are there any risks? Um, so something that people will often say or worry about is that if we feel that we're accepted just as we are, then we can just go out and be really horrible to people, or we can go steal some stuff, or, uh, that it doesn't matter because the Buddha accepts us just as we are, so we might as well just enjoy ourselves a bit and and to hell with the consequences. Um, so all I can say about that is that my own experience is that when I know that I'm loved, I'm actually less likely to want to do those things. And I'm especially less likely to want to do those things because I know that if I did them, I would be received and accepted and understood. But there would also be that sadness that I was talking about earlier, that the Buddha would feel sad for me and sad for the people that I had harmed, or, you know, if all the parts of me that I had harmed, because sometimes that's the harm that's done. Um, and I, I don't want the Buddha to feel sad. I don't— it's like having a, a great mentor at work, or, you know, if, if any of you have had a person in your life that you really look up to and that really looked after you and was kind to you, you tend to want them to be pleased with you. You want them to, um, feel proud of you. So for me, the The, um, the effect of receiving that kind of, that kind of acceptance is that I, I want to be a better version of myself. Um, the, the, there's the, the well-known, um, little story in, in Pure Land. I can never remember if it's Shinran or Honen. I think it was Shinran, but it might have been Honen. Um, and, and he was asked, well, why would you why wouldn't you take a poison? Why would you— why wouldn't you do something bad if you know you're going to be forgiven straight away? And he says, well, if you had an antidote to poison, would you drink the poison down first and then you could take the antidote? No, you just don't drink the poison. So that's the kind of a— that you don't need to drink the poison just because the antidote is there. Um, you're not more likely to be compelled to drink the poison if you know that you've got the antidote. And maybe you're more likely to be able to see that it is poison, that actually whatever it is, is, is not going to be helpful for you or other people. Um, the other thing that you— which is slightly related but slightly different— is that you might think that if you are accepted then you would— you wouldn't just do bad things, but that you'd give up trying to be better. You'd give up trying to become kinder or become more ethical because you were already getting the love, so you wouldn't need any more. Um, and I think that, that what I said about the first thing applies to that too. But also, for me, there's something about, um, knowing that I don't need to work in order to be cared for helps me to differentiate between the kind of giving or kind of being, being, offering things to other people that is healthy, that is, that feels very natural, and the kind that is sort of forced because we're doing it because we want to receive something back. We're doing it because we want to be given praise, or we don't feel great about ourselves, so we want to, um, see ourselves as a good person. That, that, that Those kinds of help, those kinds of acting, for me, um, are very draining of my energy. They sometimes lead to resentment coming in. They're not sustainable in the long term. Um, and they're also— there's, there's a self-protective element to them because they're— I'm doing them in order to receive something back rather than it just being a kind of a free offering. So knowing that I don't have to do those things in order to get praise or to be loved helps me to see the difference between those, those two ways of being. Um, Dogen spoke about that moment in the night where, where you're kind of half asleep and you sort of see that the person next to you needs a pillow and you just kind of slide the pillow underneath them because you can see that it would be comfortable for them. That kind of unconscious helping, um, that's what I am aiming towards if I can. And knowing that I don't have to perform, um, ethical behavior in order to be received helps me to, to kind of see the difference between those things and begin to let go of some of the the effortful ways of helping. Um, yeah, and you might have other— if you've got any other disadvantages you can think of, then hold on to them and, and, and, um, we can talk about them at the end. So how can it help us to enter into this relationship where we begin to really believe that we are acceptable just as we are. So first of all, um, it really helps me with the parts of me that are self-critical. Um, you might not have those parts. Some people maybe don't have any self-critical parts at all, but I certainly have plenty of them, and it's a bit of an undermining of their energy to even imagine that, that even though I am flawed, it's okay. It's okay with the Buddha. Um, so, so kind of just imagining that I am seen in that way, those self-critical parts of me can kind of sense that a little bit, and it helps them to, to to feel less bad about me. It helps them to ease up a little bit. Um, it also— having the steadiness of, of feeling okay also helps me to see more of my dysfunction, to see more of the parts of me that are behaving in ways that are very self-protective. Because I feel steady enough to. And I think that if our self-esteem is fragile and we're kind of just about staying with our head above water, feeling like we're, we're an okay, a decent human being, um, it's really difficult to then see more, more of what we do that, that causes problems for other people or for ourselves, because we're already sort of up to, you know, we were already nearly tipping over into, into that kind of overwhelm of shame or overwhelm of, of, of self-critical, um, beating ourselves up. So that, that kind of steadiness of feeling generally okay means that I am able to then, um, allow more of the reality of who I am onto the table And I think that when it's on the table, it's less likely to be harmful to myself and other people because I've at least got sight of it. It's not in my blind spot anymore. So it helps me feel better, and it also helps me feel worse, but without tipping me over into, uh, unsteadiness. It really helps me to accept others, um, Or it helps me at least to see when I'm not accepting others and to know that the Buddha accepts those people and that I'm not managing that right now, but that there is that possibility, and that what they're doing, they're doing for good self-protective reasons. And it also, um, it's also the final thing it offers me is a kind of consolation. I really love that word, and you would have heard me use that word before, um, that it helps me to relax. It helps me to not have to be so, I need to do these things, because it's, it's okay. It's, it, I'm okay. It's okay. Um, I can lean in. I can lean into refuge. I can Um, I can lean into being who I am, and I can feel the, the warmth of, of just being messy and complicated and a work in progress. And also being really— having someone really fond of me, I guess, just, just right now. And I think that most of us receive, if we're lucky enough, we receive that fondness from people in our life who do see us as we are and who are still very fond of us. But it's, it's really difficult for people to, to maintain that fondness at all times, especially if they know us very well. And I would say that both, you know, as someone that offers fondness and receives fondness from loved ones, um, that people are complicated and people are frustrating and, and, uh, our parts get triggered by all kinds of things. Um, so it's a different level of knowing that, that we are— that, that's the— that the Buddha is fond of us, feels warm towards us, and it's a bit like a hot bath. That you can just, you can just allow yourself, you can allow your muscles to just, just kind of relax and know that you're going to be held by that fondness and that nothing you do is going to disrupt that. However, however, whatever it is you say or do, that, that water will, will never leave you, that you're never going to be deserted. That Shinran says that once you're grasped, you're never abandoned. Um, so I've been talking for a long time, so I'm just gonna briefly list a few ways that we might be able to connect with more of this, this fondness that I'm talking about. And these are the way that— these are the ways that I connect with it. Different people will have different things to add to the list. Um, as Pure Land Buddhists, we say the Nembutsu. We say the name of Amida Buddha as a way of plugging us into, to that esteem, the Buddha's esteem. And we say the Nembutsu as a way of remembering that, that we kind of already know it, even if we don't know that we know it. And it's a very simple thing to do. We can attend Buddhist practice with Bright Earth or with another Buddhist group or with another spiritual group. We can have a shrine in our home, as I've got behind me in my office, my office shrine. I've got a Buddha in front of me on the window. We've got lots of Buddhas everywhere. Or you can make shrines with all kinds of different things, leaves or precious objects. We can hand things over to the Buddha when they're too much. We can remember that we're limited and we can ask for help. We can say, "I don't know what to do here, help me," and then wait. We can do meditations where we specifically imagine the Buddha bathing us in light or bathing us in fondness, however you want to visualize that., and, and that kind of, if you repeat that, it can be powerful. We can read Buddhist, Buddhist texts or other spiritual texts that speak about this kind of love. People like Richard Rohr, you know, there's, there's, there's lots of Christian writing or, or, um, other writing from other spiritual traditions where the, um, the, the, the thing that we're invited to come into relationship with is all accepting. Because that's not certainly not always the case in, in other spiritual practices, uh, groups. We can, we can get particular help with our dysfunctions. So something like therapy or other kinds of healing can help us to work with the parts of us that are keeping that fondness out, because I think that if we didn't have that self-protection— this is just my opinion— we would all feel it. We would all feel that love that comes from outside. Um, or in a similar, in a similar vein, we can notice our own resistance to, to feeling that we are lovable and kind of just get really curious about that. Like, why are we— what are we resisting? What, what might happen if we didn't resist? And we can spend time in nature because I think that nature is a communicator of the Buddha's love for us. It shows us in a myriad of different ways. Or with animals. I'm thinking of you, Kati. Animals also are good mediators for that love. So the kinds of questions you might be interested in or that might come up for you after listening this evening Um, do you know anyone in your life who loves you in this way, even if it's intermittently or even glimpses? Do you have any experience of anything other than people loving you? Like, do you have an experience in nature sometimes, or with animals, or with books? Or what resistance do you— might you have to this idea that you are lovable just as you are? What happens in you? What kind of closes off or, or is skeptical or feels threatened in some way? Um, how might it feel wrong or dangerous, or is there self-consciousness, or, or does it feel silly in some ways? And then the final question: what might happen in your life, or how might you be different if you really did allow it in? If you, if you really began the practice of allowing yourself to be loved, allowing yourself to be accepted just as you are. Um, so I'm going to shut up now. Thank you for listening so patiently and attentively. Um, if you would like to ask a question or make a comment, then do just unmute and ask it, and I'll, I'll give us a little bit of time, and then I'll stop the recording and, and ask the same question again. Klatty, you unmuted and then you— there you are.

Yeah, sorry. Right, yeah, so, um, how does Buddha see us? I believe that he can see that we are pure underneath all our delusions and things like that. So he can see the purity in us. Yeah. And yeah, he loves the purity, and he knows we've got delusions, but he, he can see inside all these delusions and stuff that we've got. Um, And how do we react to people like, I think you were saying, people who do bad things? So I've worked in a prison as a nurse, and I've been a drug worker with things, and my main job was being a nurse in theatres. And we used to get patients from Long Larton, which is a high security, and you just sort of, you just sort of forget about that. They are people and you just have to relate to them as people. I only had one scary incident. I was in recovery, patient asleep or waking up, he had 6 bodyguards with him so I don't know what he'd done. And then, um, and a supervisor. And as he was waking up, nobody was near me at all. They were all just enjoying themselves in recovery. And I thought, what am I going to do about this? And then I thought, no, um, I don't think he wants to hurt me because I'm helping. Mm-hmm. Um, once he was wide awake, they all came flying over then. But yeah, I just felt you know, I was— somebody was helping him, so he didn't want to hurt me and stuff like that. So yeah, so it's about looking past what they've done as well.

Yeah, thank you.

Um, yeah, it's not easy at times, but yeah.

Um, yeah, thank you.

And there's a lot of mental health issues as well, so not quite sure where—

how mental health fits into the Buddhist picture at the moment, but um, yeah, yeah.

And you say you talk about somebody who just loves you as you are. That was my husband, my second husband. Yes, he was very much like that.

So, no, no, that's good to hear. Yeah, it sounds like you really experienced that from him.

Yes, yes. So I feel very fortunate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, thank you for sharing that. And I, I think that your understanding of the Buddha seeing behind and sort of underneath to the purity. I think that, that, that, that fits with the IFS way of thinking, that, that, that what's called self-energy or Buddha nature is, but is underneath and behind. Yeah. And sometimes we never get to see that because people's self-protective parts are out the front. Um, and I think it's really important what you were saying about um, kind of allowing someone's past actions to, to, to, to, to, to go. But also we need discernment, and, and I think that it's really important as human beings dealing with other human beings that we set boundaries when we need to, or that we make sure we're safe in certain situations. So it's not about a kind of a blind trust. No, because people will Yeah, people who've had really difficult times will continue to do violent things. That's entirely possible, isn't it?

So, yeah, but in America, Buddhism in prisons is very popular. They do retreats and all sorts of things.

So yeah, that's great.

Yes, it is getting into prisons and things.

So yeah. Well, I think it can help people, can't it, to have a framing of, of, of their own experience where they can be— where they can be accepted, because that's something that piles up, I think, isn't it? Is if you cause lots of harm, then it's even harder to, to feel okay about yourself because you, you also know that, that you have, have have caused harm.

Yes, yeah, there's a man, he wrote a book, I can't remember the name, I have read it, he's on death row in America.

Yeah, I can't remember his name either, but I know the book you mean. It's really— it's very good, isn't it? Very inspiring.

Yes, very.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is his name? Cannot remember. Thank you, thank you for sharing.

You're welcome.

Yeah, good to hear more of your life as well. Does anyone else have anything they'd like to ask or say or anything that, that feels like a particular struggle in this kind of area. What I'm going to do now is stop the recording, so thank you if you are listening later. Um, namaste.