Satya Robyn reflects on a Mary Portas episode about an illiterate shop manager to show how understanding someone's background transforms how you see difficult behavior. When you know what someone is struggling with, compassion replaces judgment.
Good morning. My mum suggested that we watch Mary Portas's Helping People on the High Street program. Secret Shopper. Secret Shopper. And she usually has a good instinct for the programs that I will enjoy. I was a bit skeptical, but we watched a couple last week. And the basic idea is that they find a shop that's really struggling, run by some people who are quite unlikable, and Mary Porteous comes in and prods at them until they change, and then it's a happy ending. That's the general— formula. Last night, we watched a program that was about a shop near Slough, and the manager of this shop, a 30-year-old guy, guy in his 30s, was pretty unlikable. Really cocky, swearing all the time, messing about with his staff, staff, and he was caught on camera being disrespectful of his manager, who was an older Asian guy who had a kind of father-son relationship with him. And we couldn't really understand at the beginning of the programme why he felt fond of this guy, because he just wasn't the kind of man you would want to spend much time with. And so the programme goes on, and Mary Portas also doesn't find this guy, very likeable. And they, as one of the exercises, they take them all to this ultra-posh French restaurant run by, the chef is French and speaks kind of, you know, very accented English, and the menu is in French. And he asks this manager to manage his staff to wait on the tables. And you can see he's getting more and more uncomfortable. He's sweating, his eyes were terrified, and everyone could see that he wasn't coping at all. He couldn't get the hang of it. Eventually, he took Mary Porteous to one side and he said, "I can't read, I can't write, I can't." And she said, "What, not at all?" He said, "A bit." And she said, "Does anyone else know about this?" And he said, that his manager knew, the Asian guy, and had covered for him through his career, and that none of his staff knew. And he started crying, I'm so moved, remembering it, because it was that moment where something that he'd been carrying for his whole life came out, and there was no choice. He had to share it in that moment. And Mary Portage responded by, after recovering from her shock, by saying to him, "I've got your back." And she was right behind him writing the things down. And she said, "We're going to sort this out. We'll find a tutor for you. We'll sort this out." And she did. And they found him an adult tutor. Adults, and he started having lessons. And there's a little scene of him saying to this woman that's teaching him, he'd never been able to read his children a story. He kind of had to make up excuses for not doing that. And actually, at the end of the program, him and Mary have this kind of— they've just got this bond, you know, she's very, very moved. Because he was able to say this thing. And she looked at him, she found a way of looking at him with the eyes of mida, with the eyes of love. And when we can find a way of looking at people with those, through those eyes, the same thing happens. The cockiness is suddenly completely understandable, because that's how he survived. He'd, you know, got the way of keeping everyone away and covering up. And all of the ugly things that we do to each other, all of the unlikable things, all of the violent things, If we can see right through into that person's heart, if we can understand their history and the history of their parents and the experiences they've had, then we understand, we understand why they're behaving the way they are, and maybe we would too if we were in their shoes. We don't always know the particulars, but once we've had a few experiences like this, of suddenly making sense of someone's way of being, then we can just kind of, just hold on to that knowledge that there will be a reason somewhere. We may never know it. So it was great television. It made everyone cry. And she's quite a tough woman. You know, she's not a softie woman herself. So to see her in floods of tears is indicative of the depth of the connection and the understanding that she had for him. She could really, she really knew who that boy had been growing up, not being able to tell anyone, not being able to He said that when he knew he was going to have to read something, he'd kick a chair over or something, so he got sent out of the class before they got him. But that's where these things start. That's where all of these things start. When we're young and we're doing the best we can. So maybe this week you might want to pick someone in your life who is unlikable. Don't you dare tell me who it is now. And just wonder about what might have led them to this place where they're doing these things that are difficult to be around. And maybe send them some love just privately. Send some love to the bit of them that is having to defend or prod other people or cover something up. And while you're at it, you can do the same for those bits of you that are unlikable, which we all have. We can all be Mary Portises this week. No, Mary Riddases.
