Practice - getting better at being ill & a Dharma talk about two bread rolls

Good evening, good evening, good family tonight. Welcome to the first time Zoom, and we will begin with the gong hit by Aha! Glimpse. Drama Glimpse by Jen Ashworth.

I'm only just getting to grips with what a glimpse is. A question surfaces for me, which is So what if I glimpse some greater truth or wisdom, or I learn something? Does it mean— does it matter if I'm not altered by it in some way? What hides underneath this question is an experience I had last night. I had a stomach upset on Monday and Tuesday, and I had to take a little bit of time off work. I struggle with this, and I have a lot of self-critical and harsh thoughts about myself when I'm sick. To avoid feeling self-criticized when I'm unwell, I very often say to myself, right, mind over matter. You're not being sick anymore. Just get up and get going. I've had a glimpse about this before, about how, about the, how this way I'm so unkind to myself as a way to protect myself. I have parts that are so scared that if I'm not working really hard, people will say I'm useless, worthless, rubbish. I also know that I've never, not once, been able to force myself to get better from willpower. And I have never, not once, stopped trying to manage it. And failing to be able to make myself better by the sheer power of my own desire is a sure route to feeling even more rubbish. Anyway, I'm over the stomach upset now, but I went back to work and did too much too soon. And last night I was feeling totally worn out and unwell. And my inner critics were saying, you're so lazy. I bet you were just pretending to be ill anyway. And another part of me said, no, I really was ill, but I worked really hard. Here's a big list of all the things I did. And another part said, hmm, maybe it's true that I wasn't really sick at all. Maybe I was just pretending. That would be a terrible thing to do. Perhaps I'm a terrible person. And another part of me said, here we go again. You always do this when you're ill and you're doing it again. And in the midst of all this noise and chatter, I started wondering about glimpsing. I think I'd hoped the last time that I had this glimpse of wisdom about myself, about what I did when I was sick and when I did it, then I'd stop doing it. And last night I learned that despite the glimpsing, I hadn't really changed. I guess what did change was the tone of voice. When I said to myself, here we go again, it's this thing you do when you're ill, the voice sounded a little bit kinder. And a bit more amused than it usually does. And giving myself 5 minutes to do my usual, usual crazy thing, knowing there was some good reason for me doing it, then I went to sleep. So perhaps I can put this down to a half glimpse.

Thank you, Alvin.

Uh, so we'll do some meditation together. Um, no instructions today. Namaste.

Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum Hri! Om Mani Padme Hum Hri! Om Mani Padme Hungry! Om Mane Pame Hungry! Oh manne pame hungreee— Om Mani Padme Humri! Om Mani Padme Hungry! Om Mani Padme Hungry! Om Mani Padme Hungry! Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Padme Hum Hri. Om Padme Hum Hri. Om Mane Padme Hum Hri. Om Mane Padme Hum Hri. Om mani padme hum ri omani pam me ho pri omani pa me hom re— Omanyapamehumri... Om mani padme hum kri om mani padme hum kri om mani padme hum kri om mane padme rumkri umane pameroomreee— Om Mani Padme Hum Bree! Om Mani Padme Hom Freee! Om Mane Padme Hom Briee! Oh mané padmé om griii... Om mani padme hum brie! Om mane padme hom bri! Oh many pam me home breee— oh many pa' mi hoombreeee... Om Mani Padme Hum Hri! Oh mané padmé hum hrih! Ooh ma nee pa me hoom breeeh! Ahm-ma-ne-pah-me-hoom-bree-ee— ahmm-man-e-pap-me-hum-hrie... Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum free! Om Mani Padme Umfree— um-free? Oh mané padmé omri... oh mané padmé omreee... Ooh my God. Om Mani Padme Humri! Oh my name— oh mané Pâmehumry? Um... Om Nipabhne Humri. Om Nipabhne Humri. Om Nipabhne Humri. Om Nipabhne Humri.

For refuge I go to Amida, the one who is awake and full of love. For refuge I go to the Dharma, all that guides us to wisdom and compassion. For refuge I go to the Sangha, Those who live in the Buddha's light, with faith in the Three Jewels, I pray that I may not take life. With faith in the Three Jewels, I pray that I may not steal. With faith in the Three Jewels, I pray that I may not fall into sexual misconduct.

I pray that I may not fall into sexual misconduct.

With faith in the Three Jewels, I pray that I may not fall into wrong speech. With faith in the Three Jewels, I pray that I may avoid intoxication. No blame, be kind, love everything.

Innumerable our sentient beings, we vow to save them all. Exhaustible our deluded passions, we vow to transform We bow to Master Satya Robyn. Infinite is the Buddha's way. We bow to fulfill it completely.

So my dharma talk this evening is about bread rolls. We've had two bread rolls in a plastic bag hanging around in our kitchen for a couple of days. I've got them out a couple of days ago from the freezer, thinking that We'd have them for lunch, and I squeezed them later and I thought, oh, they're not very nice, these bread rolls. They were a bit sort of too crusty. And when I picked them out at the supermarket, I had doubts about them then as well. So instead, we went to a very expensive bread shop on our walk that day and bought some very nice sourdough bread and had that for lunch. And then Today they were still there looking a little bit sorry for themselves. And I can't remember whose idea— I think we both had the idea independently, but we thought we'd have beans on toast for tea. And so cut the rolls up and toasted them a little bit and put some butter on, put some adulterated beans on with extra fried onions and smoked paprika. Some rose apple— rose, what's it called? Ro— applewood bacon cheese sprinkled on top, under the grill, nice and bubbly. And they were delicious. They were really delicious. End of dumb talk. There's not much more. Makes me think of the quote from Shinran. Shinran spoke about how Amida turns bits of rubble into gold, and we are the bits of rubble, or we contain the bits of rubble, uh, or everything is the rubble, everything in the world. And when Amida's light shines on it it turns it into something precious, just as we turned two tired bread rolls into something precious. So this is something that we can bear in mind when we are encountering tired bread rolls or bits of rubble. We might just want to pause for a second before we write something off or judge it or dismiss it, and just wonder what it might look like through Amida's eyes. Wonder what it might look like with Amida's light shining on it. Maybe it's an experience that we had that, that was painful, but that actually has brought us some wisdom that we might not have received in any other way. Maybe it's somebody in our life who's quite challenging, who's showing us things about ourselves that we wouldn't be able to see otherwise. Whatever it is, just stay open for a little bit longer to the idea that it may just be a gift. It may just be beautiful in its own way. It may be gold. Namamitabhu. In gratitude, we dedicate the merits of this incense offering to all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas throughout space.

In time.

May be fragrant as Earth herself, reflecting our careful efforts, our wholehearted awareness, and the fruit of understanding slowly ripening.

May we and all beings be companions of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas. May we awaken from forgetfulness and realize my true home.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Please do turn your seats, and we'll finish by bowing to each other. Closing verse. Bless the sky and the targets, light.

May you care for all living things. Om Hari Om.

Namomi Dabu. I'm not going to tell you about the Bodhi Day because everyone already knows about it.

One trick about just saying to people about the vows as they come in, as it's just regulars here this evening.

Yeah, yeah, so I'll just stop the recording.