Talk: How difficult it is to receive

So could we have a bell to begin? Thank you. Good morning, everybody. It's really, uh, so lovely to have a shrine room that's filling up after 2 years of being shut and open and I feel like this is my first lesson in receiving. Having you all here makes me very happy. And so I will be talking about receiving. And when I am wondering what I might choose as a topic for a talk, I always, I always ask the question, what's kind of live for me right now? What's got some energy, where's a learning edge for me. And so as I talk about receiving, I'm very much talking from a place of a process that's ongoing, um, in terms of how good I am at it or not good I am at it. And hopefully you will also resonate with some of that, that, that you'll be on the scale somewhere of, of good or terrible at receiving. And I will begin by mentioning giving again. Casper, in this morning's talk during practice, was talking about giving. In Buddhism, we use the word dana for giving, and giving is talked about a lot in Buddhism. Really, for me, the goal of all religions, the goal of all spiritual practice, is that it, it helps us to be better at giving, at being kind in a natural way rather than a kind of a forced way. So we talk about dana when we ask people to put money in our golden bowl, which means that the temple can carry on working and offering. We talk about dana when we invite people to come on days where we're looking after the temple, so big projects in the garden. We also have people like David and Maria and Keima who regularly come to do gardening or clean the toilet, or, you know, really crucial things that means that everybody that comes there can enjoy a beautiful garden and a clean toilet. And so even if we just thought about giving, we could, we could probably work on that our whole lives. There's lots of things that get in the way of giving in a free way. There's lots of, lots of internal processes, certainly in me, that, that start wanting to hold on to things, or think that the other person won't use something properly, or all those things that stop that free offering. Casper spoke this morning about spring after a heavy rain, just kind of up the upswelling of water. That's the kind of giving that the Buddha's talking about when he talks about dana. And as Christopher rightly said in his little piece of writing, which I'll maybe read again later, um, if we want to really, um, work on or, or use giving as a learning edge or a mirror, then we also need some people to receive from us. Because otherwise we're just all going to be going around trying to thrust our gifts on other people, like that scene in Father Ted's where, what's she called? Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs. Doyle. Where Mrs. Doyle and her friends go out for a cake and there's a big scene afterwards because Mrs.

Doyle wants to pay for the tea and cake. And then Mrs.

Doyle's friend says, no, no, no, I'm going to pay. And it ends up as, I think it's a fistfight pretty much, isn't it? Which does remind me me of some real life situations I've been with some people. So, so in terms of, in terms of there being lots of giving in the world, we also need to have lots of people who can receive.

Where do I want to begin when I'm thinking about receiving? I often go back to the first Buddhist practice that I attended with Amida Order, who we used to belong to. And this was in the Buddhist House in Leicester, Leicestershire, probably more than a decade ago now, definitely more than a decade ago. And I was doing a psychotherapy training there, so that's why I was in the building. And it was also a practicing Buddhist community, and I attended Buddhist practice, which was an invitation that was open to the people that were studying therapy with Caroline Brazier and David Brazier. And I can remember being in that first practice session and not really knowing what to make of it.

I remember the first time doing prostrations, which for a couple of you here, you would have had that experience today, being slightly freaked out by that.

And then afterwards I was talking to a couple of fellow therapy students and they were explaining to me a little bit about the Buddhist stuff, which I didn't really know anything about. And they used the word 'bonbu,' which is a Japanese word which means foolish beings of wayward passions. And they said that the idea was that we are bonbu. That's where we begin, as foolish, fallible, contingent, leaky, um, quivering human beings. And Amitābha, Amida Buddha, accepts us just as we are. So those two things together is the real foundation of Pure Land Buddhism, is that we are as we are, and the Buddha sees that, sees right inside all the dark and dusty nooks and crannies and accepts us and loves us just as we are.

And even as I say that now, I can feel the tears just sort of pricking at my eyes because it's so hard to believe.

It's so hard to really believe that. So that was my introduction to that kind of receiving, that receiving that kind of love. And my experience is it's really bloody hard to receive it.

It's really hard to receive that love from the Buddha.

It's really hard to—

if we go down a notch—

to receive love from my friends or my family. It's hard to receive people going out of their way for me. It's hard to receive when I need to ask a favor and someone's willing to do something for me. It's just not easy. And there are lots of different reasons for that. There are lots of different reasons why receiving is difficult. I've got a list here and I'll go through some of them. And as I go through them, you might want to check in with yourself. Does this apply to me or not? How, how, how, how much does this apply to me? When it comes to receiving. So one reason is that we have been told that there's a moral duty to give, and that giving is better than receiving. That this is, if you want to be a good person, then you will give, but that you won't enjoy receiving, or you won't ask for it, or you won't take more than you should. So something about how, how, how good a person you are in that, in that equation. There's something about a suspicion. So if somebody is, is very generous with us, we have a part that says, what are they actually after here?

What, what's the catch here?

'What's going to happen after I receive that's going to catch me out?' And that part of you will have good reason for having that worry. It will have had that experience in the past. There would have been a caregiver at some point who used giving as a deal, who offered something and then later asked for something back, or held it over you, or something, something that wasn't a free offering. So that's, that's the part that some of us have. The other reason why that bit might be suspicious is that giving can be a way of taking power, that if we're very generous with somebody, then they maybe begin to feel in our debt. So they feel like they're the vulnerable one. If we give— if somebody gives us a load of money or a load of time, then that can be a way for that person to feel like they've got some control or power over us. And then we, we know that, we pick that up, we maybe can't do much about it, maybe we just need that stuff. So then it kind of muddies things, it gets complicated. Related to that is that it may feel like if you're given something, then the deal is that you must give something back, so that, that, that there's that kind of, um, there's a, a hole that's created. The person gives you maybe gives you a lift somewhere. My friend sometimes asks me to, to give her a lift to the garage, and then, and then maybe she has the worry that she's got to give me a lift, or it ends up kind of being out of balance, or something, something feels uncomfortable about that. So it's easier to just not receive things because then you don't have to be the one that's obligated to do the thing back. Receiving brings us into the area of vulnerability, because in order to receive, we're acknowledging that, that the thing or the, um, the act that the giver is offering us is something that we need, something that we have some desire for, or have some reliance on, or have some need for. And so receiving can be a vulnerable thing. It can be that if we're upset and we're maybe trying to hide it and someone says, 'Oh, would you like a hug?

You look like you've had a bad day,' that that would mean actually acknowledging that we have been having a bad day and that we'd really like a hug.

But that, that puts us more in touch with our, our rawness and our vulnerability. And for most of us, not all, but most of us would rather not be in that place. We would rather be in the place where we have our protection in place and people don't see that about us. They just see the, the face that we put on when we come into the world. Related to that vulnerability, there's this there's this danger that if we expose that vulnerability, if we say, "Yes, please," then the person might say, "Well, I can't do it now, I've got something else to do." And then the rejection of that, the rejection of having that vulnerability pushed away or dismissed or manhandled. Sometimes we expose our vulnerability and then somebody does something that is a bit painful. I can remember I was on a poetry course, this is probably 20 years ago or more, and there was a woman there who was quite a fragile woman, and I had this sense all week of it being like a delicate dance between me and her in terms of what felt okay or what didn't feel okay, and kind of felt like we were getting somewhere. And then at the end we were all hugging each other, and I can't remember why, but we were kind of getting into slapping each other's backs.

And I gave her a hug and kind of slapped her back, and she was like, "Oh, ah!" And she said something like, 'It was going so well.' So in that sort of moment, I'd overstepped what she actually was ready to receive, and I got carried away with my own backslapping. And she felt it as a wound, a little wound, probably because she'd had lots of experiences in the distant past of people coming in in an inappropriate way or not tuning in to what she really wanted. And that happens all the time, you know, mostly in very minor ways.

We do it with each other.

But, but in that moment for her, there was something quite shocking about, I thought this person was going to be gentle with me, and now she's really banging me on the back and I don't like it. I need it to stop.

There may also be a fear of if we receive, then maybe we will feel into those parts of us that just want to be looked after and want to be dependent, and then we'll become dependent. And that is also scary, because when we're dependent on other people, then they certainly have, have the power to take whatever it is away. And that's related to the, the last point on my list, which is this culture we live in, which is, which, which encourages and celebrates self-sufficiency. In the West, there's a real rhetoric around kind of a— the sort of person that you want to be is the sort of person that doesn't need stuff, that doesn't kind of— that isn't weak, that they look after themselves. They, they, they they identify their own needs and, and care for those needs, and they, they don't ask for help too much, they don't become needy. That's really prized in our society, that kind of self-sufficiency in the West. It's not, not the case so much in Asia or in other countries where family is more the center and there's much more sort of giving and taking. But certainly, um, the UK and America, we, um, that's who we like to pride ourselves as being. And that kind of stiff upper lip thing's related to that, so we don't need to show our emotions, we'll handle them ourselves and we'll just carry on and do what needs to be done. And those parts of people are really valuable, we need those parts, but it's like they've got a bit too— they've got the microphone a bit too much, those parts, because there's other parts of us that that, and there's a missed opportunity in that. There's a missed opportunity to be soft with each other and to acknowledge that we all are dependent on each other. We're dependent not just on the people that we know, but on the people that make our food, or the people that, that keep the roads, um, fixed, or, you know, there's, there's so much that we, that we rely on all the time. We are completely contingent. And that also takes us towards vulnerability. And so I guess all of those, all of that big list, which you may or may not identify with any of that, or you might all just be— I'm imagining if you were perfect to receive me, you might not be here this morning.

You might identify with some of that, you might have other things that for you make it hard.

I think that something that maybe ties all of that together is that inside us there are parts of us that are holding beliefs and experiences of being unworthy, parts of us that do not feel that they deserve looking after, love, care, attention, understanding. Um, and in my experience as, as Satya Robyn and as a therapist working with internal family systems, these parts that hold those beliefs are, are young. They, they usually get set up when we're really little and something happens that, that we're told something about ourselves and we can't quite handle it. So we just kind of lock it away. And then protection comes around it, loads of protection. And then it just stays there for, for years and years and years. And it affects how we see ourselves. Every so often we might have a bit of feedback and we might suddenly think, oh God, yeah, I'm just the worst person in the world. I am actually the worst person in the world. And that's that one of those young bits that's just filled us up suddenly.

That young bit believes that we are the worst person in the world.

Because probably that's the impression it was given by whatever it was that happened in that moment. So those young bits are always there, just kind of waiting to be prodded by certain things. And when they're prodded, sometimes the bits that protect us just kind of— it's like they, they, they— it pushes through the protection just a little bit, and then suddenly we have a feeling of worthlessness or shame, or, um, also, or we might feel that all the time.

Some, some of those bits are not successfully protected and kept out the way.

We might have a mild sense of, of not really being as good as other people all the time, and that might be a general feeling, or it might be in particular situations. It might be that we're fine socially, but work is hard because we don't feel like we're doing as well as anyone else. It may be that we feel competent at work, but socially it all kind of goes a bit wrong because we don't know what to do or how people are seeing us, or we're worried that we're getting it wrong. So all of that stuff inside us that, that has the belief about us, which is completely, um, the belief is 100% for those bits of us. How could those bits receive anything? How could those bits allow anything in because it's not right that they receive anything because they, they're not worthy of it. It should go to someone else, or, um, the person's got it wrong, they don't really know what I'm like. And those beliefs are, are often hidden, but they're often very powerful in our systems. They have a big effect. The effect is kind of because they're really deep down, it's like they're in the foundations and everything above that kind of rests on them. So, um, if there are any young parts in you that are—

or any protection that's freaking out a little bit at what I'm saying, just let them know, don't worry, I'm not going to do anything.

The protection can stay there, it's all good, and the protection knows what it's doing. And that if we want to look at some of this stuff, we do it with full permission of the bits that protect us. So we never push through, and the vulnerability needs to be protected, and there's a process that happens in its own time. I'm saying that to your vulnerable bits rather than you. Don't worry if you don't understand. So moving on from the vagaries— is that the right word? Vagaries of receiving? It's a good word, isn't it?

Is it the right one? Good. Getting some nods.

I don't know what's coming next.

It's a word.

It's a word.

The vagaries of receiving. Moving on from the vagaries of receiving. Maybe that's the title of the talk. I just wanted to remind us of why it's good to receive. And, uh, we've touched on this earlier, but I think it's really—

for me, it's really helpful to remember it because it helps some of those bits of me that have doubts about whether it's okay or not to receive. And the first one is one that I heard about, maybe, um, I think properly from Amanda Palmer's book. She's written a book called The Art of Asking, which is brilliant. I'd recommend it to anyone. Especially if you're not good at asking. And she makes the point in it that, that when you receive something well, you're offering a gift to the person who's offering you something. So you're actually, you're actually making an offering in your receiving of happily taking whatever it is in.

And even if it's socks that you don't really want to wear, you can think, "Oh, that's really lovely that this person went to the trouble of getting these for me, and I know someone who might really like them, so when they don't know that I've passed them on, I'll pass them on." I'm all for passing on gifts because it's the spirit of giving that you're really receiving.

The object is almost a kind of a by-the-by. So when you pause around receiving, if someone offers to do you a favor or or maybe wants to give you something, just remember, do I really want to deny this person the pleasure of giving me this? The other benefits of receiving is it means that we get stuff. And if we didn't know how to receive, we wouldn't get stuff, and we need stuff.

We need objects.

We need people to drive us to drop our car off to the petrol station, to the mechanic. We need to remember that we are in need of stuff. So there's something that's actually good for us about receiving. And finally, it may be that when we think about receiving, it gives us a little point towards some of those younger parts I was talking about earlier that are wounded, that hold those beliefs, and it can give us like an arrow to some of that. It can, it can just, um, we can, we can think afterwards, oh, I really had a weird reaction when that person offered me that thing. It felt like I really couldn't bear to take it. And then later we can think, I wonder why that was. Is there something in me that's, that's needing some attention, that's wanting some love? So I'll finish by saying something Buddhist, because this is a Buddhist talk. I always have to remember to say something Buddhist before I finish. And coming back really to what I started with, which is that experience, or that, that offer of being able to come into relationship with something that does love us just as we are, or accepts us just as we are, sees us just as we are, and meets us just where we are. And then I've got a question here: can we feel worthy enough to believe this? How can we get more in touch with this? What's in the way? And they're really good questions. I'm not really sure what the answers are to them right now, so maybe they're the sorts of questions questions that you might take away from today is how might it be possible to begin experimenting with the idea that you are lovable, that all of you is lovable, even the, the, you know, the bits of you that are greedy, the bits of you that get jealous, the bits of you that lose your temper at your cat. All of that is lovable and, and understandable. How can we in our Buddhist practice begin to notice when we're blocked to receiving that? We're blocked to receiving that, um, that care. And it may be possible to work with it with the Buddha. That might feel a bit, um, far away. It may be that, that you work with, um, maybe just the people in your life as well, when people offer you little bits of kindness, or when you notice the earth offering you things, which, which she does all the time, all day long, all the time. When we walk around the garden this morning in the morning meditation, I was noticing the buds coming out onto some of the, on some of the bushes, and little primroses by the Buddha in the Middle. When we notice these things, can we receive them? Can we really enjoy them? Can we, can we relish the, the colors and the smells and the tastes of life? And if we notice that, that we're not really receiving, if there's like a bit of a distance between us and the world, then just get curious about that. Get curious about what might be in the way. What is it that's stopping me from really receiving Hopefully without an agenda. If you want to shove the, the protection out of the way, then that's not going to help because it will shove you back. Just kind of approach it as you would something you don't know and just kind of like, oh, I'm wondering, you know, what do you think will happen if I really start enjoying this? What do you think might happen if I receive this offer that my friends made? What's the fear? What are you protecting me from? Because there's always a good reason for that protection. And like the parable of the man who was walking with a heavy coat, and the sun and the wind both said that they were going to try and get the coat off the man. Do you know this one? So the man was walking in a— I'm probably telling it wrong, but you'll get, you'll get the gist of it.

He was walking in a heavy coat, and the sun and the wind were having having an argument about who was more powerful, and the wind was like, "I'm way more powerful than you, I'm going to blow this coat off, I'm so, you know, I've got like, I'm really strong," and the sun was like, "Okay, well let's just see." So the wind like blew and blew and the man was like pulling his coat tighter and tighter around him, and then the sun came out and gently warmed the man, and before very long he took his coat So the approach we want to take with ourselves, with our systems, with our insides is always the approach of the sun.

We gently warm the little bits that are scared or the protection, or we just, we're just curious about it. And as we're gently curious, those bits inside us are more willing to share. They're more willing to open up and tell us something about what's going on. So curiosity and compassion. If you feel curiosity and compassion when you're being, when you're reflecting on your internal system, that's great, carry on. If you're feeling like you need it to change, or you hate it, or you're scared of it, or anything else, pause. A little bit of IFS for you. So I think I might end with this quote. What happened this morning when you read the quote, Katie, is that we only had the second page by mistake rather than the— oh sorry, you're right, yeah, I thought, oh, that's shorter than I remember because it's only the second page. So there's actually a little bit on the first page as well, and I really love what Christopher Leibow says about this. It sort of brings in some of the things I've talked about. The practice of receiving, let alone even asking for help, is challenging for many of us. The first time I really open-heartedly asked and accepted help wasn't until I was in my late 40s. In my delusional thinking, I believed that to need help was to be weak, and to be weak was to be unlovable. I think at this point it's important to realize that receiving is different from taking. We take food, love, money all the time. The difference between the two is that when we take, our small self is saying, 'I earned this.' When we get love from our spouse or our children, when we get kudos at work, when we eat a lovely meal, we aren't receiving the love, the acknowledgement of food. We see ourselves as earning it. And we take it because it is ours. And a similar strain of this construct is when we see ourselves as unworthy to receive anything. This can manifest as self-doubt and shame. In both strains, we're stuck in seeing giving and receiving as economic exchanges. But how could it be any other way? I was never taught to receive. Were you? Most of us have been taught that it is better to give than to receive. But how can that be, since to give you need to have someone who receives? Proportionately, it just doesn't add up. So truly receiving is something different from taking. There's an inherent humility, there's an openness of heart, an acknowledgement of our interdependence, and an awareness of our dependence on a myriad of things. Receiving is a place of openness and courage, and it implies a vulnerability. We may ask for something in that open space and not get it. Yet in realizing our lack of control, our inability to fix joy, love, and peace in place by somehow earning them, those things arise naturally. Everything I receive is a gift, a gift to me, the receiver, and a gift to the giver. An ever-expanding circle of giving where in the end there is no giver No receiving and no gift. And it feels like that's what's been happening this morning in the shrine room. And as we move on with our retreat day and we go to— some of us will go to town and sit in vigil for the earth this afternoon as we walk on the hills mindfully. And then the last bit of the day where we listen to each other that all of these things are giving, receiving, without a giver, without a receiver, just love. Namah metta bhava. So any questions, comments, tangles?

Musing? I've got one, um, just reflecting. I think what you said about the culture and the family really resonates where I come from. It's a lot stronger. Um, but so if you know that somebody who's skilled definitely has an agenda and you don't like it. Yeah, which happens in family.

Yeah.

How do we approach that? Yeah, not open that vulnerability, but it could not—

yeah, that's a really great question. Yeah, so I guess there might be different things you could do depending on what you know of the person that's giving It may be that you— that you're offering to that person is playing the game that they need you to play. It may be that you receive the thing and you say thank you very much, knowing that that's not going to be the end of it, and knowing that when they ask something of you, that you can also offer them that. That may be possible. Depending on your capacity and depending on the other person. So we don't need to let people know that we've got them.

We can just— it might be kinder to just know that inside you.

Maybe complain to your husband or something, and then just go along with the game. And if you can do that with kindness, you might even find that it feels a little bit different. That you're not resenting it so much, or that you're not disappointed so much, because you're just like, yeah, this is this person, they're doing that because they need it, it's not actually about me, and that's a shame, but I'm going to make really sure that I'm okay myself. So if they're giving you something and then they take it back again, just make sure maybe you go and get yourself something, or that you make sure you're looking after yourself, yourself, so you're okay. Does that make sense? Or it may be that it's appropriate to set a boundary, and it may be that you let the other person in on that or not. So if there's bits of you that are being harmed and you can't protect them any other way, then you might want to say, 'Thank you very much, but actually I don't need that, so I'm going to say no to that today.' Or actually, you might want to say, 'I've had the experience in the past when you've done this is that then this happens, so actually I'd rather not do that.' I'll just say no now, and then that's easier for me. So it depends how honest you want to be, but make sure you're looking after yourself. That's the important thing, because if you're not looking after yourself, you're not going to be able to receive or give in a way that's free. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Good luck. We'll get a report back from Maria next Absolutely.

Yeah.

Any other questions or comments?

I was reflecting on a birthday experience from a few years ago where I've been trying to give my time, because to me that's actually quite a precious thing, and it's easy for me to go out and buy something. But actually, my time, I think— and not everybody has the same feeling— and I remember spending hours buying ingredients and making this beautiful cake and giving it to this person who I, you know, love dearly and consider a very close friend. And she said, 'Oh, where's my gift?' I said, 'Oh, the gift is the cake.' She said, 'No, come on, 'Give me a cake, give— that's not a proper gift.' And it really, really upset me and sort of changed my, you know, felt a little bit, well, very hurt by it and a bit sort of changed my, not changed my opinion a little bit, but I just thought, how can you not think I think that that's actually a really beautiful gift, actually, that somebody's done that. And I guess I had to just sort of try not to be hurt by that, but actually it still— I'm still sat with it now, and it's still very tender. And actually it stopped me ever making them. Well, actually I have made them further birthday cakes. But I know now, I think, what better buy them a gift as well, because I don't, you know, and it's really odd that I still held on to that comment about, oh, that's a crap present, you can't just give me that. And yet to me, I actually felt that it was a much more precious gift that I poured all this love and I'd into this, something I made.

Thank you, thank you for sharing that. That's really, that's a gift that you shared it, and Before we answer the question, I just want us all to really receive Kate Moss' cake from 8 years ago. Delicious.

Just really, just really take it and imagine eating it. Yeah, so I guess that really illustrates the point of what a delicate business this whole thing is, doesn't it?

Because, because yes, it was painful that, that this person did that, and probably there might be other bits of you, younger bits, that had a similar experience of not being— you working really hard to do something and then that not being appreciated or seen. And that also has echoes. So often these things that really stay with us have got echoes that go back further. So, so the first thing is really acknowledge, yeah, hurt, and of course it's appropriate that it hurts, and really tend to that hurt. Just really listen to that bit that's hurt and let it really just, you know, whatever it needs to do. It might just need to complain for a while, or it might need a hug, or whatever it needs, look after it. And then be discerning. That phrase about pearls before No, it's not pearls. I always get them muddled up. It's not the pearls before swine, it's the pigs— something about— is that it? Yeah, yeah, that is it, isn't it?

Yeah, so don't waste your pearls.

Thank you, Marie. Don't waste your pearls on swine because the swine doesn't mean anything to the swine that it's a pearl. It's not the swine's fault, it's just that's not the language it talks. It would rather have something else.

Absolutely, I would love a homemade cake.

I remember talking to my friend recently who at Christmas, she's very environmental, you know, she really cares about the planet and she spent hours hand painting her Christmas gifts and making everything from, you know, wood that was recycled and she gave it to her siblings who were like, you know, in the ordinary world of money and they were a bit like 'Oh, thank you.' And she, and she was a bit heartbroken because it meant so much to her that she'd spent all this time on these things.

But for them, it was like giving a pearl to a swine.

It just didn't translate. And, and yes, that's really hard when we're the one that's made the pearl, but it's not really the fault of the person that's, that's not receiving it. That's just who they are. That's their conditioning. And actually, what a shame for that person that they didn't have that ability to receive that beautiful offering. So next time you give your cake to me or anyone here. But yeah, thank you for sharing that.

I can really resonate with that story because when I was about 16, I made a friend a homemade gift, a krama door handle, and I painted the beads and gave it very lovingly.

And then A couple of weeks later I was in Buxham in Worcester.

It wasn't even a couple of years, it was a couple of weeks after Christmas. And I was so upset at the time I bought it.

And then I gave it to my mum and she thought the story was so funny.

This was years ago and she's still got it hanging up in her she shed.

So it's really nice. Your mum's like, I can't give this away. But it's still learned something, you know.

Yeah, I really appreciated that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. And the other thing I believe from experience is that when we make an offering, it goes into the world whether or not that particular person receives it. There's something the Buddha sees.

Sometimes when we do our vigil, and it's maybe it's just me and Casper one week because it was really stormy, there was nobody on the streets to see us. But the earth saw.

I knew that it was a good thing to do because the earth was looking at us and smiling. So the same is true with these things that we make offerings. If that particular person that gets it first doesn't appreciate it, that doesn't mean that it's not been a really good thing to do.

So, um, yeah, who knows?

It's mysterious, isn't it? It kind of works in mysterious ways, the world.

Piece of cake from a friend for my 40th, and she put 40—

because I love chickens—

40 chickens on it, and it was my favorite present.

Aww.

I can't believe how much time she spent on each chicken.

Yeah.

That's by far my best present.

Yeah.

And I told her that too.

Yeah, so Katie, also a good person to give cakes.

Just putting your hat in there.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah.

I'm sort of thinking that quite often the focus is on making decisions, you know, whether to accept something, give something. So I'm thinking, for me at least, maybe the key thing is what happens after that. So that sort of giving and receiving compassion to myself. Because to be honest, if, say, if I gave a gift, somebody might not like it, I feel kind of really hurt. And somebody might like it and I feel a bit embarrassed about that. You know, so it kind of either way might cause difficulty.

Yeah.

And then it's the after that, dealing with kind of— I don't know if consequence is the right word, but that kind of giving and receiving itself, and that's almost the hardest bit, and that's the bit I don't concentrate on.

So yeah, yeah, great. So that's really helpful to identify, isn't it, is that, that for some of your parts, that whole process is a bit difficult. So they maybe need a bit of attention afterwards just to kind of like, oh, so how was that for you?

That was really hard. Okay, tell me more about that. Yeah, great.

Yeah. Anything else?

Just, I think, um, there's this lovely tradition that we have, uh, some husband and I, we've met through, um, sort of fan base of the band, and they often call themselves a family because of how closely they kind of hang in together and help each other. And it really is unique for the Western world. It's a British band, and the tradition is they do these sort of weekends of 3 gigs every 2 years, unfortunately disrupted by the pandemic. Now, but, and the biggest one we do is in Holland. And whenever the fan base goes there from all over the world, some fans make little handmade gifts with the logos. So it can be like a little keychain or, um, and it's not, you know, it's, it's a very small thing and it quite often they're kind of making themselves or they order it. It's a little bit of artwork that they put on it And everybody goes around sharing these little things, and we've got like trays of all this from all these brilliant weekends. And I just feel like, you know, sometimes it kind of resonates with the cake story. You can buy something that's very expensive and it will just sit on someone's shelf and will have no emotional sort of attachment to it. It will have no energy, but when there's something that's handmade and it comes from the heart and from the soul, it just has so much sort of emotional meaning and energy around it. It's almost like that person is sharing part of themselves with you, and that's kind of, you know, the value of the gift. It's not even about always about what we like doing or wearing or using It's about that kind of part of that person who's giving and part of that person who's receiving sort of intertwined in this energy. So I just, just wanted to share that.

Thank you.

That's a lovely tradition that they have, and it's always lovely to, to receive those.

Sounds very lovely. Thank you. Yeah, and just to say that, um, that, that if we are talking about giving, for me, something that's been important to learn is that I don't have to feel bad about not being able to give things that I can't give easily. Sometimes we don't get a choice and there's an emergency, we just have to do something. But I've learned as I've got older that I'm not good with ill people. If you're ill, I am not a good person to look after you.

I'm saying that now. But if you've got something you want to talk about, I'm really great. So I can do sobbing, you know, all of that. And that's just how I'm built. So I still feel some guilt when somebody is ill and I don't—

I'm not the person that says, oh, I'll come around with a casserole, or I'll come and, you know, look after you.

But I trust that others in the community are better at that. Keima. So Keima can do that bit and I'll do the other bit. And so also, let's really—

when we're receiving, we don't really know how how hard or easy it is for the other person.

So we don't have to worry about that.

We just receive what they've given. It might be that they have rushed to the shops and bought us something at the last minute.

For them, that might be a really big deal. That might be, you know, that might be at their edge.

So we can just receive whatever it is people give, whether it's a beautiful cake that's, you know, taken a lot of time, or something that seems like it's got less thought in it. That's part of our duty as receivers, is to try not to come to too many conclusions about how it was for the other person to give. And we can do that as receivers, and we can do that as givers as well. Let's just be kind to ourselves about our capacity. And certainly in the world of activism, there's always more that can be done once you tune into the science and you, you really wake up to what's happening in the world, it's very easy to feel like we're not giving enough. So yeah, we need to keep going, so we need to be realistic about what's possible.

For me this morning, it's also brought up that practice of the meditation that we do of thinking about giving, receiving, and harming the world, which is a beautiful practice, um, that I used to really struggle with to begin with.

Nei Kan in Qigong.

Yeah, yeah.

What am I giving? And then it, you know, um, but it's something I still do all the time in my meditations, um, and, um, it's just a really nice sort of practice. Thinking about, you know, it usually involves a cat.

Good.

But not in my, in my world. But it's been something, particularly with, you know, work at the moment and being quite isolated at home, not being in the office and things, and I'm really having to eke out time to myself and self-care. Which for me is giving myself a gift, trying to grab the little walks on the hills and moonlit walks and time with friends. I went and did some dancing last night, which was a gift to myself. It's lovely. But it's a, you know, really, it's been a really essential practice. Some days I've really struggled, you know, because it's obviously thinking, reflecting on that 24 hours. 'What have I received?' Yeah, another day that's been more rich. Yeah, I think, yeah, thank you.

So gratitude and receiving is often, is very linked to, and we can forget how much we receive, even the bad days. You're breathing the air and the, you know, the earth supporting you and you've had enough to eat and water on tap.

Those things are easy to forget, aren't they, when everything's really hard.

I had a phone call to a guy and asked about somebody who died actually, and they'd lost a resident. And I said, where are you? He said, I'm outside. I said, what's that bird? This wild bird was absolutely chirping. I thought that he was in the home with them.

He said, oh no, I'm out in the garden.

I said, oh, 'Well, every time I call you, you said I'm going to come out to the garden.' I said, 'That's because we're on the phone quite some time.' Yeah, lovely.

Chirping.

And that to me was such a gift that day.

Yeah, I was—

because I'm stuck at home in my own office, but I'd heard the outside.

Beautiful.

The phone.

And it was lovely.

So we kind of had that little speech quite often, but having that sort of that bit of time, or we're having a difficult conversation, that little bit of nature and the bird.

Yeah, so that example of the bird offering without knowing and you receiving, I think that feels like a good place to finish. We can all just imagine that bird singing its heart out and Kaymer listening. So thank you so much for your attention and for receiving my work. Words. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. So I will stop the