Stepping Into Possibility Workshop - LIVE!

Hey everyone, welcome to our workshop. Um, thanks for joining us on this impromptu, uh, Tuesday afternoon workshop. Uh, my name is Kelly Artis. I— if you're watching me on my channels, I am, as you know, a military spouse. I dip my fingers in a lot of different buckets and pools of interesting topics, and one that has recently sparked just a lot of interest for me is just around the topic of self-awareness, working on myself, mindset, uh, personality stuff, all the good things. And, uh, through that I came across an amazing friend slash, dare I say, mentor, uh, Scott Perry. Um, and I believe has joined his channels as well. So you might be watching us from Scott's channels also. Hey Scott, how are you doing today?

Well, my day just got a lot better, Kelly, because I'm going to spend a little time with you. So fantastic.

So excited. So we normally offer this workshop. We've tailored one of Scott's signature workshops. We've actually tailored this specifically for military spouses and those in the military spouse community. If you have ever been touched by a military partner, we'll just say, this is your, this is for you. This is a workshop for you. We want to break down some, some concepts, some tools. Some practices that are going to help you navigate uncertainty and just sort of like understand and get a little bit of clarity on a purpose that you can cling to beyond just maybe say your role as a military spouse. So I'll be weaving in some of my experiences as we go. Scott is definitely going to bring the meat of the conversation here and I'll just try to help translate. So Scott, will you tell everyone a little bit about yourself?

Sure thing. So my name is Scott Perry. I am a husband, a father, and recently a grandfather, uh, from Floyd, Virginia, USA. Um, my association with the military, um, is that I was born in a military hospital while my dad was, uh, in the Army. Um, and, uh, yeah, I've, I'm a former head coach for Seth Godin's Freelancers and, uh, um, Creatives Workshop. But primarily right now, my main endeavor is Creative on Purpose, where we help people cultivate clarity, confidence, and calm by defining and leveraging the difference only they can make, which is their purpose. And I'm really excited about this workshop. Kelly and I have done this several times together for military spouses. It's all about developing your purpose and developing calm, confidence, and clarity by making better decisions. So if you're wondering what this is all about, what we're going to teach you is a very simple, time-tested, scientifically vetted process for making better decisions so that you can make a bigger difference in your life.

Yeah, it's fantastic. My work typically revolves around areas such as PCSing, which in military speak, as you all know, is a permanent change of station. So it is just upheaval, transition every couple of years that come with all sorts of fun, emotional roller coaster rides. So you'll, you'll hear a little bit about that and how that plays into this sort of concept as just a really tangible example of ways to, to practice this methodology. And then also, we're veering— Scott, this is new for you— my spouse and I are veering into the transition out of the military phase of our lives. So these are gonna— you might hear some, some pleas for help as we go along as far as that's concerned as well. So let's jump in. We have a lot of ground to cover. So Scott, I'm going to hand you the reins.

Fantastic. So this is Stepping into Possibility. Again, it's a decision-making workshop helping you make a bigger difference by making better decisions, by embracing uncertainty, navigating adversity, and making a bigger difference. So what we're going to cover today is— or is this you, Kelly? You'll have to get the— you've got it.

I'll jump in when it's my go.

So what we're going to cover today is who Kelly and I are, which we've already shared a little bit about. And then we're going to go through this process where we're naming challenges in a very specific way, defining the possibilities, and taking action in a very specific way. And embracing what really matters so that we can cultivate equanimity, calm, confidence, and clarity in our lives. And then we're going to give you a couple of tips at the end for how you can continue to leverage this learning, uh, in, in your life as we go around. We do have a free handbook. The whole process is, is laid out in this very simple workbook. If you go to creativeonpurpose.com/workbook, you can download it there, or you can just put your smart device on that QR code and take a picture. It'll take you there as well. You will be asked to opt in. You will be added to an email list that will only be delivering you, in addition to the workbook, which you'll get right away, you will get informative, inspiring, and emails that will help you continue to develop your potential and deliver on your promise as a difference maker, someone that's making better decisions. You are free to opt out of that at any time, but just fair warning that there is an opt-in required to get the workbook worth the price of admission.

Absolutely. I was gonna say, like, y'all, people, people pay for these emails, so you definitely don't even bat an eye. Just go grab it. And if you want to grab it now, don't close the tab, come right back. Also, if you're watching live, be sure to, you know, engage with us in the comments. We usually do this as a collaborative workshop. This is a bit different this time for us, but we still want to hear what you're, what you're experiencing, what you're learning. In the comments as we go through. Absolutely.

They're in the comments there, Kelly. Just if you missed the QR code or the link, it's in the comments. It should be up near the top.

Perfect. Great. Okay, you guys, again, virtual workshop. We are specifically speaking to military spouses. So if that is you, great. Welcome. We're glad you're here. If that is not you, but maybe you know a military spouse, please go ahead and click that share button. Make sure to bring them in and say, hey, come here, there's something cool going on. We'd love to amass as many folks as we can. And we want to make sure that you guys are feeling empowered as you face challenges of military life. So we're talking about those permanent change of stations. Relocations are a big deal, you guys. You're losing a lot of ground, literal ground underneath your feet, and then also like emotional, psychological, social ground. And we want to make sure that we're paying attention to that. We don't want to fall into isolation. We know we kind of lose our communities, but we want to make sure that we're kind of hanging on to the sense of community that is still, still ours. Um, so we're looking at things like unemployment, underemployment, okay. That also come along with those wonderful permanent change of stations and just other military life demands in our lives. We know that all of these things can weigh on you and us and me, myself, I'm speaking for myself here. Um, and sometimes it's just really hard to feel like you are living your life and more like you're just kind of floating along through it. Um, and that's a really, really scary place to be if you're not conscious of that and trying to take more control, at least of how you are reacting. And managing and navigating your life. So this workshop, we're hoping to share a process for cultivating a stillness to be able to kind of appreciate where you are, that fortitude that Scott Perry mentioned, just being able to kind of withstand all of the different changing winds and tides, so to speak, and then give you some agency as you navigate these challenges through the military lifestyle. So, I mean, I've already kind of shared a little bit about my, my military ness, spouse-ness. I've been married for almost 16 years now. My spouse has been in for 18, and we've been together for all of them. So I feel like I am just right there with him at the end of his 20-year career. We've been through 7 PCSs, 5 or 6 combat deployments that he's been on. I have supported him through from the home front, raising 2 kids. I mean, you name it, I feel like I I think I deserve the t-shirt at this point. So I'm going to be, like I said, I use this practice daily, honestly, from the moment I came across one of Scott's workshops, it's just been profound.

So yeah. And I just, just to underline that Kelly and I have presented this on several occasions to military spouse groups and Kelly and I met through a workshop that I did through a mutual friend that was working with military spouses. So although I don't have a direct connection to the military lifestyle, I obviously rely a lot on Kelly's expertise in this, but having presented this material for folks like you, the hope is that regardless of where you're at in your military, the arc of your military career or association with a loved one, this material will help you see, step into, stay in, and share your power, your authority over your inner narrative and your external choices and decisions.

Okay. Typically this is when in the breakout rooms, we'd ask you to have a conversation, but we want to go ahead and just ask you in the chat to throw your responses if you're watching. And maybe if you're watching this a little bit later, you can go ahead and, you know, do that as the replay, but we want to know what it would look like if you, what it would look like to feel, or for you to feel like you could embrace uncertainty. Okay. Sometimes we ignore uncertainty. That's not the same thing as embracing it. Okay. You guys, sometimes we're just like, oh, I have no idea. So who cares? No, that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about, embracing uncertainty, being able to navigate hard things that come at you and being able to make a difference? Like, what would that feel like for you? So spend a few moments, just think that through and then drop a comment wherever you're watching. We did have a participant once say it would feel great to have the systems in place to be able to move through this military life with more ease and grace. And that was from Amy. I just thought that was great. Being grace graceful to others, but I read that as graceful to yourself, uh, being able to show yourself grace.

So yeah, so this is speaking to the promise of the workshop that you will be able to navigate all of the various situations, vicissitudes, and victories of your life, uh, with a little bit more tranquility, equanimity, joy. Um, so what would that look and feel like to you? And the life that you're living right now.

Okay, Scott Perry, this is you.

All right, so if you had all of this figured out already, you would not be here. So we just want to encourage you before we get started to embrace this idea of not knowing, coming in with a little bit more of a beginner's mind, with a little bit more curiosity and consideration, and maybe a little less certainty about, um, you know, what you might get or not get from something like this. We also always encourage people to leverage the two fastest ways to change your mindset into a more positive way. And that is with certainty, uh, I'm sorry, by leveraging gratitude and generosity. What's something that you're grateful for? An everyday convenience, experience, or pleasure that you, you've experienced today that you're grateful for? And what's a moment of generosity that you experienced in life today that, um, you extended towards someone else or that you were on the receiving end of? These are things that can profoundly change your mood right away. So again, cultivating that sense of curiosity, curiosity and wonder. Let go of your value judgments, your assumptions, and your strong emotional attachments. This is going to be essential to making progress and making better decisions today. As Kelly said, this work is hard. That's why it matters. And I believe that living a life of meaning and purpose, of fulfillment and flourishing, is also supposed to be fun. So be kind and compassionate to yourself. And to the other folks that are in the chat here. And then again, just a reminder that when we're done delivering this process and sharing it with you, we're going to give you some tools for not only continuing to practice it in your everyday life, but sharing it and teaching it to others.

Yeah, that's one of the parts I actually like the most, is being able to learn how to, to hear others and, and be able to support them on their, uh, their path, their journey as well. You guys, when I first scrolled across one of Scott's workshops, I was like, okay, sure, you got all the answers, huh? But the more I listened and the more I was graceful to him and to myself and just kind of open to, to the process and the approach, the more I was like, oh my gosh, there's actually something to this. So I want to just let you know that it's not like, woo, it's not like existential. We're not giving you like the keys to solve all your problems. In this 1-hour workshop, but we are just going to give you some really practical advice and some steps that you can remember, you can recall in moments of stress, and be able to put into practice. And more on that later. Actually, he's going to get into why this method actually works and how old it even is. You might be surprised. All right, Scott, let's walk through the process.

All right, it's time to dive into the process, so let's, uh, Let's go. So what— is this you, Kelly? Sorry.

Oh yeah, sorry. Okay, so what we'll be covering, we're going to give you a quick overview of the process. We're going to give you the opportunity to take a real example, a real situation that you're dealing with in your life. Those of you who are watching, and we're right, we're rearing right into PCS season. Hope, I see you. I saw you had a comment about the housing market, I assume. My goodness, friend. Yes. So much uncertainty. And it's, that's not only like emotional uncertainty, that is financial uncertainty. These are big things that we're dealing with. So use that example, your own situation that you're dealing with that is, that is just like fraught with uncertainty and adversity. Even hold that. And we're going to, we're going to help you sort of clarify your real situation. We're going to help you identify some real choices that you have in this moment. We're going to remind you or ask you to remind yourself of what really matters. In that moment, and then we're gonna go over how to practice so that we can make progress going forward and sort of strengthen that muscle. Okay, Scott.

All right, so here's the situation. Human beings, by virtue of evolution and biology, we love the status quo. We like to know where we stand and what's expected. We're hardwired to embrace all of that. At the same time, we are conscious creatures that are aware that things could be better and that we can do and be more and better. And so this— these two things are happening simultaneously. They're both true. These two opposing ideas are both true at the same time. And so this idea of striving for better, for making better decisions, for leaning into uncertainty and adversity is fraught. If you're pursuing something that's worth investing your time and attention in, then there's going to be moments of uncertainty, adversity, and you will experience moments of fear doubt, and anxiety. And so what to do? What we're going to do is we're going to teach you how to navigate the decisions that you make in your day-to-day living in a way that promotes your health and well-being, and it's all based on answering 3 very simple, beautiful questions. The first question is, "What's now?" The goal is to acknowledge and appreciate your situation as it is, to see the problems and the possibilities that you're experiencing And we're going to do this strategically by articulating what's happening in the moment that we're in, in as objective terms as possible. We're going to take out all the adjectives and adverbs, all the value judgments and assumptions and certainties and strong emotional language. And what we're going to learn is that we don't have to be enslaved by our inner narrative, by our reactions from the limbic system part of our brain, which is all about the fear, fight, flight, or freeze. And instead, we're going to move the decision-making into the prefrontal cortex where we can take control of the narrative. And instead of letting our, our story choose us and drag us wherever it wants to go, we're going to take control of the narrative and we're going to choose our story, and by doing that, choose our future. So if you have the workbook, you can actually go to this section again. The workbook is— there's links to it in the comments wherever you're watching this. And What we invite you to do is to unpack a situation that you're in right now that's, um, that's causing you a little bit of stress, anxiety, maybe even a little bit of guilt or angst. And we want you to choose something like this that is not too raw or unprocessed. What we're teaching you is actually therapeutic. There are therapists that use this technique to get through really hard stuff, like if you've experienced a significant loss in your life or a significant trauma that, that is, you know, no way you're under your control. That is possible. It's possible to work through that with this kind of technique, but it's not the place to start. So what's the situation that causes you a little bit, a low level of stress or anxiety? And what we want you to do is we want you to write that down. We want you to write down what's going on right now and take out the adjectives and adverbs. No value judgments, no assumptions, no certainties. No strong emotional language. What's really going on right now? And as you're doing that, think about how can you reframe this moment and find yourself— how can you reframe the moment that you find yourself in, and how can you do so in a way that's honest about both the obstacles and the opportunities, the silver linings in this situation? And sometimes, just to be frank, finding a silver lining can be really, really challenging. And if that's the case, it's letting you know that there's been a lot that you've been taking for granted. So maybe it's— if you're unable to see any upside, any possibility, any silver lining, what does that tell you about what you've been taking for granted in your life right now?

That's great. I, I'm sorry, I want to pause. I put the link on the screen for those of you who still need the workshop. Or the workbook. As we're thinking, you guys feel free to put this in the chat. Um, as you're thinking through your response to this, feel free to put a succinct version and we'll circle back and, and kind of go over it with you. We're gonna talk about examples, so let's do an example. Actually, Scott, I'm gonna toss to you first for an example and I'll do my—

Sure thing. So, um, you know, Kelly's gonna be able to, to share examples that are pertinent to the, the lifestyle that you're living, but For me, I, I, I've been a freelancer almost all my adult life. And one of the things about freelancing is you're only making a living when you have a gig. And so Kelly knows that for 30 years, I made a living primarily as a musician. And so I literally was living from gig to gig. And almost every day when I would wake up, I'd look at my calendar and I'd see how many gigs I had in the week. And was I going to make enough this week to pay all the bills and do all that. And sometimes I would wake up and I'd say, oh my God, I don't have enough gigs on my calendar. If I don't have enough gigs, I'm not going to make any money. If I don't have any money, I can't pay my bills at the end of the month. If I don't pay my bills at the end of the month, I'm going to lose my house. My kids are going to hate me. My wife is going to leave me. My dog is going to hate me. And I'm going to end up getting— being homeless and living under an underpass in a box. I'm going to become an alcoholic. I'm gonna die. And that would happen just like that. That's the power of the limbic system— fight, flight, or freeze. And so if I were to take that narrative and take out all the adjectives and adverbs, all the value judgments and assumptions, all the certainty that I brought into that, what I just shared, the objective problem that I have is I don't have enough gigs to pay my bills. Full stop.

Yeah. Um, when I think through problems, I'm very much like you, Scott, except I think that my initial response is to flee, like I withdraw. Like, so I'm just like, you know what? Not doing this anymore. I don't want to play. So like immediately it's, I've got this thing to do or this, this way to be in public or this, this choice I have to make. Okay. I have a great example. I just painted my house and I chose a very bold color to paint my house. And I was scared to walk outside because I didn't know if a neighbor would flag me down and be like, why did you ruin our neighborhood? But I had to make a choice. I had to pick a color to paint my house, but there were all these value judgments wrapped up in that just one simple choice that was just ridiculous. And I was able to take my my whole scenario all the way down to like my value as a human being on this planet, based on the color that I chose to paint my house. So that's just one sort of, um, small example. I do want to mention Hope's, uh, comment here. She says, it's very small. Let me make that bigger. Um, I think another challenge for our community is that we're often dealing with multiple stressful situations simultaneously, uh, PCSing while a spouse is deployed or healthcare.

Yes.

Hope. Yes. So what I think the answer here, and Scott, correct me if I'm wrong, is pick one right now. Just one. Let's pick one problem, one challenge, and let's see if we can kind of dissect that one into smaller bits.

Yeah. So just, I love your example, Kelly. I can't wait to see pictures of your house.

I will send you.

Yeah. So Kelly painted her house a new color. That's the problem.

Yeah.

The neighbors may or may not like it.

Yeah, that's it. I think I like it now, but we're getting there.

So as you're reflecting on what it's like to go through this first step, just stating the problem as plainly as you possibly can, as objectively as you can, again, no adverbs, no adjectives, no value judgments, no assumptions, no certainty, no strong emotional language. Does it feel differently to restate it in that plain objective manner? Does reframing your circumstances plainly help, uh, and stating them out loud or writing them down make you feel differently, um, than when the narrative was just spinning cycles inside your head?

Look, I'm just gonna add in here. Yes, 100%. It does. Cuz it sounds stupid to just like be stressed about painting your house. But when I tell you that I, you guys, I sent myself into like an emotional panic. Uh, once I started seeing like the first coat go on and I was like literally not leaving, I was like, I'm never leaving again. I'm just gonna stay in the house. It's gonna be fine. Nobody will know that I still live here. It's fine. But saying it out loud, I'm like, I painted my house. I chose a color. So yeah, 100%.

Okay. All right. So now we're gonna move into the second part, which is, um, the, again, the first step just helps us, uh, start to tell ourselves healthier and truer stories about our situation and reveals that you have choices. And the goal of Step 2, answering the question, "What's next?" is we're going— the goal is to take the next best small step into possibility. Now, when I say best, I mean the best as far as we can tell in the moment that we're in, because outcomes and results are never certain. And so we are just getting— gathering information so that we can make objectively the best choice and decision that we can in the moment. We're going to do this by framing and assessing as many choices as possible and then we're going to decide and do what we need to do next. So the big takeaway here is learning is great, but learning that does not lead to action is useless. This is a process, and this is a discipline that you learn by doing. It's not something that you can just read about and then hope that it magically appears, uh, you know, in your, in your, in your thought process as you're navigating your day-to-day. So doing the work, we want you to write down what are your options for navigating the challenge that you're in, the challenge that you just shared. What are the options that you have? What are all the choices? Write down as many as are possible. And then after you've written them all down, what you want to do is go through your list and start to think about which ones don't align, align with who you really are, or who you would like to become, and you're going to just simply cross out all the bad choices, all the choices that you know just don't resonate with your authentic self, with who you really are. And then you're going to look at the ones that are left, and you're going to make an educated guess, you're going to make a small bet on which of these choices, if you chose and did it, would cause the least harm to others and promote you and the progress that you seek to make for yourself? And then finally, what would most efficiently and effectively help you flourish without impeding anyone else's ability to do the same? Those considerations will help you make the best decision that you can make right now.

Okay, Scott, what does that look like in your example?

So for me, um, I don't have enough gigs on my calendar to earn enough to pay my bills this month. So if I were to sit down and just start to list things off the top of my head, I mean, one of the things I can do is I could reduce my expenses and cancel all those silly online subscriptions that I don't even know that I have, never mind that I never use. Um, you know, cut down on a lot of the other everyday conveniences that I kind of enjoy. I could get a part-time job. I could explore bankruptcy. I could raise my fees. I could, I could connect with past clients and ask for referrals for new work. I could sell all the guitars I don't play anymore. Don't tell my wife, but I have a lot of guitars that I—

I see one.

These are all things that are possible. I mean, I could even just give up the music business altogether and go back to being a teacher like I used to be. So those are all the possible things that I could do. And after I list what's all the possible choices, I want to go through and say, well, which are the ones that don't really align with who I am and who I seek to be. Well, I really don't want to go back to getting a day gig, a different job, or even a part-time job. So I'm going to cross part-time job off the list. I'm not the kind of person that would feel good about reneging on my responsibility. So I'm probably not going to pursue bankruptcy. I'll cross that one off my list. And I'm really not ready to quit and go back to teaching. So I'll cross that off my list. So what I'm left with is reducing my expenses, raising my fees, connecting with past clients, uh, for referrals, or selling my guitars. Now, the fastest path to cash for me is probably that third choice of going to people that have already been thrilled with my services and asking if they know anybody else that could use someone like me to help them step into possibility and the potential that they see for themselves. And I might weave in some of those other choices as well. I could probably sell a guitars and, and not feel too bad about it and put a little— or a little fast cash that way. But the point is, listed all my choices, took the ones off the table that just will not promote my health and well-being, and when I looked at what was left, I'm simply going to choose the best one that I, that I can, as far as I can foresee in the future. It's a small bet that this will be the thing that I can do next.

Yeah, I want to reframe my example. So let's just pretend like we're facing a PCS, right? I mean, I can so easily see how you could spiral into a million different directions given all of the different uncertainties. Okay. Even just starting with where are we going to live? You know, are we going to live on post? Are we going to get a house on post? Are we going to make it to the top of the waiting list in time? Are the orders going to coincide with when we have to end our lease here and be able to move into a new place there? Are we going to be staying in a hotel for 8 months? Are we going to try to buy a house? Is our VA offer going to be accepted? Because I'm hearing that they're not, you know, all of these types of things. Oh my God, we're going to be broke. What are we going to do? We're not going to have a place to live. Right. When it boils right down, you're just not going to have shelter. Okay. So I love this idea of listing out all of the options. Okay. We need to make a choice about where we're going to live is the, what's the problem, right? We need to decide what we're going to do, which path we're going to pursue. And then which contingencies we need to line up, right? Because some of those paths won't work out. So now looking at that objectively, um, you can factor in other sorts of considerations without being too terribly emotionally attached to any one of them. So if one of your worries was that you weren't going to be able to work as a spouse, because you know, what if I live somewhere where there's not my type of job? Well, that can factor into your decisions. If one of your choices is living on base, and that's not near somewhere that you need to be to work, then you can just cross that one out. Don't even worry about it. Move on, move on to other choices. So I think that that will help a little bit in just, again, breaking this down into smaller bites and then realizing, you know, what values you can tie into your decision-making process to help reaffirm the decisions that you do make, especially after you've made them so you don't regret them. Right, Scott Perry?

Awesome. Really well.

So now that you guys have seen, hopefully you've taken a moment, you're kind of, you're catching the gist here and you've seen and maybe jotted down what your choices are going to look like. How does that make you feel? All right. You've got it laid out on a piece of paper, sit down and reflect and think about how much easier it is to see your next step. If you've decided on your next step, pat yourself on the back. That's amazing. Yeah. High five. How does that feel? Right. And if you're committed to taking action, how does that feel? Does that feel good? You know, does it feel like it's in your control? I think it should. So hopefully it does. So just reflect on that and kind of sit there for a second and just realize that's how you got there. Right. And we've only been going for 20 minutes. Right. So it's little bites. All right, Scott, what's step 3?

All right. The final question is what matters? So answering the previous two questions have helped reveal that we possess everything that we need, everything necessary to thrive and flourish in any circumstance. You can— you have agency, power over how you frame yourself in your situation, and you have the ability to choose, decide what you do next. So the question, what matters, is about maintaining and cultivating the sense of clarity, confidence, calm, equanimity, develop, uh, your purpose, and find deeper connection. And the way that we're going to do this is we're going to remind ourselves about what really matters. And the takeaway from this exercise is that we're going to learn that we enhance our life most through endeavors that are done with and for other people And when we do that work from the inside out, taking care of ourselves first and then extending the overflow of compassion, generosity, empathy, and, and energy to the people that we find ourselves with, to the people that we care about. So here's how we do the work. What we want to do is we want to figure out how can we bring more intention and integrity into your decisions and actions? How can you be a little bit more clear and dial in what your values are, what your guiding principles are, what are the things upon which you will not equivocate, and bringing that into all of your decisions day to day, not just the hard choices, but the everyday small inconveniences and obstacles that you face in your day to day. More intention and more integrity, thinking about what really matters. And then thinking also about our daily habits, our routines, and our relationships— the relationships that we have with our loved ones, with our neighbors, with the people that we interact with on the job, with people that we interact with in our day-to-day. And how can you be intentional and have integrity about who you do and don't spend time with, and how much time you do or don't spend with people in your life that maybe are not fueling, um, your sense of flourishing and thriving and promoting you in your journey to become your best self, and then stepping into possibility that you imagine. And then finally, what's the aspiration that you're setting for yourself next without being too attached to it? What's the next thing that you're going to do, and how are you going to bring a little bit more of that intention and integrity into the process of making that decision, working towards that aspiration. I love your—

folks can't see it because I've got you cropped so tightly, but you've got "Less is more" on your wall behind you, Scott. It's like my favorite thing to see when we chat. It's just a visual reminder of like exactly what you're saying, especially with other people that we're choosing to spend our time and energy with. So I just think that's an important point. Okay, how does this play out in your example, Scott?

Yeah, so I have a problem that I don't have enough on my calendar to pay the bills this month. I have to find, uh, the next best choice I can make is to go ahead and contact other clients, uh, and see old clients and see if they have someone that they can refer to me, uh, so I could put a few more gigs on my calendar. And through this process, I am also reminding myself of Who I really am. What are my core values and guiding principles? What's the vision of the world that I have that I'm trying to work towards with the people that I work with and for? What are my inherent talents, the, the, the human skills that I've, um, and the temperaments and tolerances that I was born with? We all have things that just come kind of naturally to us, and, and by leveraging those instincts and intuition and following those instincts and intuition. I can make better decisions. I can also leverage any of the hard or soft skills that I've learned— the hard skills I learned at school and on the job, or the soft skills of just that we all are building through our day-to-day interactions from the moment we exit the womb until the moment that we enter the tomb. And then finally, making sure that I'm taking care of being clear about where I belong. I belong with people who share my values and need my talents to enhance their lives. And I can decide to spend more time with those people, pay more attention to that group, and, and extend more energy in that situation and less to the people that don't. So what we're really talking about is the cultivation of character. You might call it will. You might call it purpose, but it's this idea that by living a little bit more intentionally with a little bit more integrity and bringing more consciousness into our day-to-day decision-making, we are becoming the people that we, that we hope to become, that we aspire to become.

I think in specifically in the military spouse community, um, it's like I almost want to, I want to say that this This shouldn't be the hardest step, um, given how service-oriented most folks are in our community, um, and how we've kind of been in just in a really unique position to be always helping others. So I almost want to emphasize this idea of making sure that you're taking care of yourself first here. Um, the character, the integrity, I mean, I don't know. I feel like those are kind of superpowers, uh, that, that we maybe have access to at least great examples and role models. That should be very close at hand in our own communities and smaller social networks. So making sure that you are putting yourself, getting yourself to a place where you can make these choices, you can approach all of these decisions and navigate all of this uncertainty with clarity in and of your own will, right? Then being able to pour out to others is going to be more easy instead of that being the default, instead of ignoring your own needs. You know, we need to make sure that we're paying attention to that as well. So I just wanted to throw that in amongst all the chaos that we're dealing with. Usually the go-to is, well, let me just— who can I help? Well, okay, hold on, friend. Let's make sure you're, you're good to help first. Um, yeah, that's great.

Yeah, I really love that. And I, I think, uh, Kelly, it's so important to— and a reminder to me that, you know, in the communities where you and I presenting this, um, the, this idea of intention and integrity is already kind of baked into the culture. Most of the folks that we, uh, these are things that they don't, um, that they almost take for granted or just act on instinct and intuition. And I love your message of making sure that you take care of your primary asset, which is your own health and happiness, so that you can serve more generously and compassionately those around you. By, um, by, by generating overflow, right? If you fill your tank first, um, if you practice empathy and compassion and generosity and gratitude from the inside out, you will always have more to give. And, and you will associate with people that are returning in that cycle of generosity so that you're in the cycle of giving and then receiving, filling the tanks. So that you can give again. So really appreciate your point.

Oh, and that cycle is so real, Scott Perry. I mean, gosh, we're going to sit here for a second, but it's so real because it does feel like there's always this ebb and flow of hardship. Just because I'm not going through something hard right now doesn't mean that I won't, right? I mean, and that's everyone, that's life in general, but deployment cycles even are just something that we can almost put on a clock and say like, well, it's going to be my turn to solo parent. So my friends are going to step up and help me and I can return the favor because I have been loved on in those moments. And I have let them love on me in those moments that then I'm like restored when it's time for me to be able to return the favor. So yeah, you guys just be conscious of these things and be okay to admit when you're in an ebb, you know, it's okay. It's okay. Reach out, tap your networks. Um, and just make sure that you're staying clear on what's important. Okay. Leading into that, let's, let's reflect. Okay. So how does it feel to know that you can let go of your troubles and accept your current situation? Right? Like, okay, this is where I am right now. Maybe I'm in an ebb. Maybe I'm in a deployment, like we're dealing with a deployment, or maybe we're looking at a PCS and like, literally have no idea what we're going to do. All of our options are falling through. All of our offers are being declined. I mean, whatever the case is, whatever you're dealing with like, okay, well, that is actually what's happening, but you know, we have some ways around, um, how we handle it, right? Um, so how does that feel to just to know that that's happening and to know that you can let go of it? You can accept your situation and you can step out into possibility without unhealthy attachments to desired outcomes. Oh, hold on, that one sits— let me— that one hits me. Unhealthy attachments desired outcomes. Tease that out a little, Scott Perry. I think that's important.

Yeah. So this is the, the, we are creatures that really do like certainty. We like the status quo. We like to know what's expected. Um, and we like to know what we're supposed to do. And the fact is that, um, outcomes are always uncertain. Results, achievement, these are things that we don't have any direct control over. Sure, you can make the best decisions that you can and take the rightest action that you can, and you can influence the results in your life, big and small. But it is very hard for us as human beings to accept that decisions are not outcomes. Outcomes are outcomes, they take care of themselves. Results are results, they take care of themselves. Attaching to, um, outcomes and desired results is a recipe for suffering, because even when you get what you want, it will never be enough, and often you will not get what you want. And if you are attached to that, you will indeed be in pain and you will suffer. And so the, the challenge is to— how can we hold on to our aspirations lightly enough and appreciate the journey, put our— invest ourselves in the process doing the work with intention and integrity and accepting that that is its own reward. That the reward is not the results and the achievement and the successes, uh, getting what we desire. The reward is in making decisions with intention and integrity and stepping into possibility with that same— in alignment with who we are, what we're good at, and where we belong, and appreciating that the process, not the destination, is the real reward.

I love that. We're certainly gifted with all of the, the, uh, the journeys, right guys? Um, okay, Scott, this is you.

Yeah, so at Creative On Purpose, we talk about this kind of, um, living as living your legacy. Legacy isn't what you leave behind, it's the difference that you're making right now.. And as I was just saying, the outcomes are never guaranteed. Significance comes through the worthwhile effort. Do your work on purpose, with purpose, for purpose, with and for other people, and you will experience a sense of flourishing and thriving in your life, even as you face life's inevitable challenges, misfortunes, and failures. And so the whole idea— this— we began with this idea of choose your story, choose your future. One of the stories that we hope that you will change through embracing and engaging this process is that, you know, many of us sometimes get this feeling that life is happening to us. There's so much happening to us, you know. We haven't gone through the pandemic, are still not, um, all the way out of the woods, you know. It's, it's felt really hard. Burnout is talked about all the time now, and that's that feeling that we have no control and that everything is happening to us. But the fact of the matter is if we choose to, we can have life happen through us. We can become active agents in our destiny by taking control of what's within our control, which is always— again, you have control over your perceptions, the way that you're framing yourself in your situation, and you have control over your decisions and what you decide to do next, that action that you take. And if you see, step into, and stay in that power and share it with others then the results will take care of themselves. But you will be on a path of living a life that's always filled with fulfillment and flourishing, even when the going is rough.

That's great. Um, okay, so here's the recap, you guys. Uh, 3 questions. This is it. This is the crux of it. What's now? What's next? What matters? Every single decision point that you face, every single, uh, moment in your day, every single big consideration for your life, every transition that you go through in the military, every single thing you can apply this process. What's now? All right. Everyone's talking about being present, staying grounded. Okay. It's, that's it. That's it. What's now, right? Focusing objectively on what is actually happening, removing the adjectives, removing the emotion, the fear. I mean, these are all normal responses that we have, removing all of that away from it and just, okay, what is the actual situation? What can I do next? And what's important? Okay, Scott, let's roll into the origin.

All right, so now, now the origin story. So as Kelly said, um, this is not just woo-woo that, um, come, you know, came to me in a dream and I've decided that I found the answer to all of your Woes and worries. Um, this is a, an approach that I crafted by simply repurposing some things that I have learned from, um, time-tested wisdom in ancient philosophical and, and spiritual traditions. But also, this process has been vetted scientifically through modern psychology and neuroscience. So we're going to give you a little story about how this all comes about. And it all starts with my friend Marcus Aurelius. Marcus Aurelius was an emperor of Rome, the last of what they call the good emperors. And he was a practitioner of what was called Stoic philosophy, a philosophy of life that was all about answering the questions: what does it mean to be human? What does it mean to be happy? How do I be more of both? And it was based on be— living a life of virtue, of character, and living a life out loud and in public. Okay, so these were not people that sat on a mountaintop contemplating their navel and separating themselves from the world. The Stoics were actively engaged in the world. Marcus, as the last of the good emperors of Rome— and here's the quote from which I, um, took, crafted this process that we just shared with you: objective judgment now at this very moment, unselfish action now at this very moment, willing acceptance now at this very moment. Of all external events. That's all you need. In Stoic philosophy, these are the three disciplines. Objective judgment is the discipline of perception—answering the question, "What's now?" Objectively answering the question, "What's going on right now?" The second Stoic discipline, in the second sentence there, is the discipline of action—unselfish action taken now, presently, mindfully, with intention and integrity in this very moment. Of— and then finally, willing acceptance. The discipline, the third Stoic discipline, the discipline of will, the discipline of, um, of acting in accord with your nature, your values, your virtue, and the best interests of all that are, are involved. And not attaching your happiness to outcomes, but instead concentrating on the process of making the best decisions and taking the best actions that you can with intention and integrity. And Marcus reminds himself over and over again, this is all you need to live a good life. There's the 3 disciplines that we just talked about. Discipline of perception has to do with seeing yourself in your situation and accepting your fate as it is. The discipline of action has to do with your attitude toward a moment and encourages altruism, service to others. And finally, the discipline of will has to do with being mindful and cultivating presence and doing this all in service of your character and virtue. And then, uh, the, that very quote and the, the three Stoic disciplines have also had a huge impact and, and are a big influence in several schools of psychology that, um, and, and therapeutic approaches that help people overcome significant challenges and trauma in their life: Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Positive Psychology. And if these are new terms to you, there's a lot of great literature on, on the web, and several books have been written about how Stoicism and the 3 disciplines of Stoicism have helped people in today's world live a life of greater meaning, fulfillment, and happiness.

So Scott introduced me to this word, um, and I know it's so weird to get hung up on one single word, but, um, I feel like this is a great word for the military spouse community specifically. Um, it is a British word, English slang word, right, Scott? Cottywample. Um, the definition is to travel in a purposeful manner towards a vague destination. Um, Scott, can you use it in a sentence for me? How would one cottywample?

Well, so cottywample is, is what we're all doing. We're all walking around as if we're going, as if we know where we're going, and as if we know exactly what to expect when we get there. The fact is, this is not true. We do act as if, and we do, you know, we can engage in purposeful endeavor, purposeful movement toward an aspiration or an aim, but that's always uncertain and truly vague because we don't get what we want just because we want it. So the idea of the coddywomple is enjoying the journey and the process as opposed to being too focused on the destination. But also, on a kaatiwampu, you are open to the, the, the possibility— not just the, the obstacles that you could not foresee, but the possibilities, or maybe the flipping of obstacles into opportunities. And so it's one of my favorite words just because it sums up my life. I know from our— my work with Kelly that she feels like it sums up the lives of many of the people in her world. And so it's just this idea that we can embrace the not knowing and we can still act as if and do meaningful, purposeful work without an end guaranteed and knowing and trusting ourselves enough that we'll figure it out as we go. Yeah, I just—

it's, it's a clumsy word even, and I feel like a lot of times that feels like our path. It just feels clumsy. It feels like we're just being like maybe drug here, there, and everywhere, and we thought we were gonna have this resume and we do not, you know. It's very ambling, right? But I love this idea of putting a definition around that and a beautiful word, a beautiful clumsy word, but a beautiful word that gives one pause when you hear it in a sentence. You don't just like accept that word and move on with your life. You're like, wait, what did you just say, right? Because it can be beautiful. So you guys Hopefully, uh, that is as much of a gift to you as it has been for me.

I just, I wanted to just say, Kelly, I love that you pointed out how clumsy that word is, cuz that's really a great point. Mm-hmm. Um, and it points to the beautiful mess that is all of our lives. Um, it's, it's, it, it, it ain't always purdy and it ain't always perfect. Um, and yet in, in its imperfection and, and, and, and it's, uh, you know, problematic nature and sometimes in its ugliness, we can still find beauty and we can still find enjoyment in what we do. So I just appreciate—

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my mom used to say "galavantin," and she would just go drive with no map and just— she'd just go as far as she could and she'd eventually figure out how to get home. She'd take us and we just thought it was great. There was absolutely no point. She just wanted to go get lost and then come home. That was it. And so I feel like, yeah, that, that must be why it resonates on some level. But yeah, gallivantin' coddiewomplin'. It's great. All right, Scott, what are our takeaways?

So what we're hoping is that you are seeing that the big takeaway here is that by engaging your agency and will over your perceptions and actions develops both excellence of character and cultivates the virtues of things like gratitude, generosity, humility, patience, and resilience. This is how human beings have always built identity, forged meaning in their lives, and found fulfillment through whatever endeavor they're engaged in. And the quality of your thinking and effort, not the recognition or results that you get, are the real rewards in life. And so the— our final word of encouragement is serve from the inside out. And just one additional note A question that does come up frequently is, why don't we start with that third question? And the fact is, you can start this process anywhere. We started with the first discipline because it was the first discipline, but also what we find is that this is not a linear process that you go through time after time after time. You are going to bring your will, virtue, and character, your intention and integrity to the process when you begin with framing your perceptions, choosing your actions, and then accepting the results and, um, again, cultivating your character and, and developing your virtue.

I feel like it's, it's kind of just like re-emphasizing what's already there, um, and paying attention to it and being present to it. That's, yeah, that's great. Um, so we do have some time for Q&As if you guys, um, have any. I know there's a few of you watching. If you want to go ahead and throw anything in the chat, we'll, we'll chit-chat for just a few moments longer and be sure to answer your questions. If you have questions after the fact, I'm not sure how long we'll leave this up, but we will most certainly be monitoring the Q&A session or the, you know, the comments, wherever we are, to try to help clarify things, help you put this in practice again, because it is just such a phenomenal process. Scott, do you want to talk about next steps or further action.

Yeah, well, just one quick note for anybody that came in kind of midway, or when, you know, or if you had to come in and out of this presentation, as long as the video is up, there is a link in the comments to download the workbook. If you download the workbook, it outlines the entire process. It's not the entire slide deck, it's actually an even cleaner and more succinct version of the process, so you can get all the information that you need from the workbook. Um, and our hope is that this is a, uh, a learning that you will take into your day-to-day life and practice on a daily basis, not just, um, take, you know, say yay for me, I learned something new today.

Um, and can I just say, can we practice this with our kids too, y'all? I feel like this is huge. Um, I have a couple of kids, they're middle elementary school aged, and we are getting to the point of the drama, uh, being real. That's just all I'll say. Y'all pray for me. But we do this a lot. What's actually happening right now? What can you do? And what's important? Like, literally, I can't tell you how many times a day we're saying it. So hopefully we're trying— we're instilling a pattern of sorts. Um, so make sure that you're putting this into practice for yourself and then also the people that you love and have to deal with.

I love that. Yeah, I think that's really powerful, and it reminds me of one of the questions that we most frequently get, Kelly, which is, um, it sounds like, you know, we're promoting this idea of being kind of Spock-like, emotionless in the way that we engage in our decision-making. And that's actually, um, it's easy to see how you could have that perception, but it's actually the opposite of what Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius and the rest of the Stoics were approaching their lives. They recognized that we are emotional creatures, and to deny your emotions or run from your emotions or suppress your emotions is, again, pathological, an invitation to further pain and suffering. What they were saying is that you can live a life where you, um, where you cultivate healthy emotions and where you manage the unhealthy or negative emotions so that you can work through them. And through this discipline of, um, the, the three disciplines of Stoicism, or the what's now, what's next, what matters, then you are, um, you are living an emotional life that is helping you cultivate more of the healthy, happy emotions and helping you work your way through more of the negative and destructive emotions. Yeah, that's fantastic.

Make more room. Less is more, right? Make more room for the things that give you joy. Right. I just, that's great. Um, all right. Uh, let's go over what we covered today, Scott Perry. And oh, this will be me. Okay. So we, you guys, we, uh, covered an approach to navigating uncertainty and adversity, adversities of life. Um, we're able to now name challenges objectively. We're able to define the possibilities, right? What are your choices and what action are we going to take? We are learning to embrace what really matters, right? Spend time there, appreciate that, be grateful for that, cultivate gratitude, all super important skills. And we talked about how to continue your journey. So hopefully you've been able to glean some gems from this conversation, from this workshop, and you're already thinking thinking through some scenarios in which you can put these practices into action. Okay, Scott.

So the, the final question that we want to ask you is, what are the daily routines, relationships that you can cultivate to continue practicing this process beyond the workshop? Again, you have choices, you have decisions to make about where you spend your invaluable time, attention, and energy. You get to decide where you do spend time and where you don't spend time. You get to decide who you spend that time with and who you don't spend that time with, or how much of that time you spend on, um, with the right people and/or the wrong people. And you have choices about how you— about where you're putting your effort and where you're not putting your effort. And so just encouraging you that using this thought, this decision-making process, be more intentional about who you surround yourself with and what are the daily habits that you're practicing so that you can lead a life that has more focus, boldness, and discipline that also is promoting your sense of fulfillment and flourishing.

That's great. Next steps. I mean, connect with us because we're amazing, right? But certainly we can help point you to resources. Scott Perry has been an amazing teacher. He has always something amazing going on. He has wonderful conversations happening almost daily. I don't know, I feel like you're live like every day with the awesome people that you get to work with and spend time with and are bringing those conversations out to the rest of us. So I just want to say thank you for that. And then also, I am like on my path. So if you guys want to like grab a backpack and come along, we can cottywompal together. I'm everywhere, socials, LinkedIn, Facebook. You're probably watching me on one of my channels. Uh, you can grab the workbook, you see the link below. Um, and then y'all teach this to someone else. Um, it's just, it's, it's so easy. It's such a, it's such a great and monumental practice, um, that I think can foster more compassion just kind of broadly. Uh, if we can all just slow down, right. And, and be present, uh, to the challenges and uncertainty that face us. Love that. Go ahead.

So our question to you is, if you don't mind sharing in the, in the comments, or if you want to share it by direct message, what's your biggest lesson, aha, or takeaway from our time together today? And to that, I will add, what are you going to do with that aha lesson or takeaway next? How are we going to make this into a daily discipline practice that you bring into your everyday decision-making? And to Kelly's point, um, just a moment ago, how can you take the process and build your muscle for decision-making by teaching the process to someone else? How— who is a sparring partner that you can add to your life where you can be practicing this together, uh, so that you can really build that muscle and build the skill of making better decisions with and for the people you care about?

Scott, before we go, I wanna, um, lean in just a tiny bit there and we'll leave you guys with this, but this is one of the practices that I think is, um, kind of like low-key, really amazing that we get to, get to explain during the breakout sessions when we actually do this live. Uh, if I were to engage a sparring partner, as you say, with this practice, uh, tell me what that would look like as an observer, as an observer and not the participant who is actively working. Through putting the steps into practice.

So I think there's a, there's a wonderful frame for the relationships that you bring into your life and developing a practice with other people. I cannot remember the person's name off the top of my head, but it's, it's someone that's a mixed martial artist and a champion, and he talks about plus, minus, and equal. So who are the people in your life that are above you? Who, who are the, the teachers, the mentors, the coaches that can help you learn more about how you can live this life of more meaning and purpose and practice better decision-making? And then who are the people that are minuses, that are not as far along the journey as you are, that you can teach this process to? Because nothing helps us develop or nothing helps us, um, get stronger at the things that we know and points to things that we don't know than teaching it to other people. And then to this third— the third part is the equals, and this is where you're working with people that are at your level or on the path that you're at. And it could be as simple as getting on a Zoom call once a week and talking about your experience with the process, sharing the situation, how you framed it, what the choices were, what you decided and did, and then what values or virtues you were drawing upon. And having someone reflect, witness and reflect, and invite you to see the things that you didn't see, or to share reflections about how you might have done something a little bit differently and it might have led to a different outcome.

Yeah, I love that. And the reflecting, y'all, is not solving it for them. I'm just gonna say that. I think a lot of us have a bit of a struggle with that. You're like, "Oh no, you're amazing. What are you talking about? Why are you struggling? Your house color is beautiful." I don't need that. I need to know what my choices are in mitigating this. Yes. So thank you, Scott Perry. That was helpful. Okay, any last words? I think we have reached We've reached the end of our workshop. This has been an hour well spent. I think we did that well.

Yeah, that was awesome. Well, it's always, I always learn something from just, you know, I, although I developed this approach, when I hear the way that you apply it to your situation and how you frame the military spouse life, it's just always shares other nuances and just ways of seeing the way that this, you know, that you're engaging with it, that's helping it engage with other people. So I want to just say thank you, Kelly, for all that you bring to the work that we do. I'm looking forward to doing this live with you up in Northern Virginia in like a week or so. Yeah, it's close. I might have to go on a little diet to fit into my suit pants, but we'll see.

Sorry. It's got that COVID-19.

And for those that are tuned in, you know, Kelly and I will drop our links in, in the, um, in the comments so that you can connect with us. I saw, I just went to my website and saw that several of you have downloaded the workbook. If you, if you practice this, we would love to get your feedback on, on, on your experience with, with this exercise.

Yeah. And just to, just to add to that, if you guys are interested in some sort of community around this, some sort of space where we can all work through this together, I'm happy to facilitate. Just reach out, let me know what the interest there is. If you are watching, as mentioned, Scott and I have given this workshop to several different units and spouse groups. So if you are a part of a unit or spouse group that is interested in bringing this content over to your folks, if that would be helpful and meaningful, which it would, let us know that as well. We're happy to to have a conversation about that. Otherwise, you'll just have to keep up with us on the socials and on Scott's website, creativeonpurpose.com. Okay, I'm gonna shut it down. Thank you so much, Scott. I really, really appreciate everything that you do and for jumping in so last minute. This is— this has been great. Always a pleasure. All right, great. All right, take care everyone. We'll see you all soon.