In this monologue the speaker outlines three progressive stages of coaching practice. The first stage, "coaching for agreement," is characterized by a people‑pleasing, likable approach aimed at gaining client trust. The second stage, "coaching for insight," involves using Socratic questioning to illuminate blind spots and generate new perspectives for the client. The third stage, "coaching for action," moves beyond insight to provoke concrete, incremental steps toward the client’s goals, a process the speaker labels "empathetic antagonism" – gently challenging the client until they feel compelled to act. The speaker also critiques the common coach reaction of blaming clients for lack of progress, urging coaches to turn inward, examine their own role, and provide clear, respectful feedback that motivates clients. The overall message is that effective, high‑value coaching requires evolving from merely being agreeable to delivering insight that translates into purposeful action while maintaining self‑awareness and accountability.
Chapters
In the beginning of your coaching journey, you are coaching for agreement. You want people to like you. You want people to stick with you. You are being agreeable, likable, and nothing wrong with that. I think that's where a lot of us start out. I think a lot of us that get into this kind of business are naturally people-pleasing type of people.. And so that's one level of coaching. The next level of coaching is coaching for insight. Now, this is where most coaches end up and stay, which is you learn the Socratic method, you learn how to ask question after question after question that reveals an insight, that shines a light, or shines a light on a an issue that your client didn't see until you shone a light on it, shine a light on a door or a light switch that they weren't aware of until you shone a light on it. And then there's the third level, which is coaching for action. And I'm not saying that these levels are mutually exclusive, like you don't have to be a a disagreeable person to be an effective coach. You don't want to stop sharing insights to be a good coach. But if you're going to be a coach that commands a price that creates a livable wage, if you're going to be a coach that attracts and coaches the kind of clients that will give you a feeling of fulfillment and help you forge a little meaning and feel like you're actually making a difference, you have to develop this ability to share an insight in a way that gets under someone's skin just enough to get them to take the next smallest step into possibility. I call that, so I call my process empathetic antagonism. I share an insight, I get, I, I keep nudging at it until you start scratching and, and until you start taking the, the intentional action that will help you start moving toward or into possibility and into solving the problem that you're trying to solve or achieving the aspiration you want to achieve. Um, and The final, the final kind of insight, because I've been working with some clients this, this last month, and a consistent theme I've seen is when, when people sign clients that don't make the progress that they signed up to make, or come, come to the coach week after week with the same problem. The coach goes into blame mode. Oh, why can't I get clients that will actually do the work? You know, I've told this person, you know, I've given this person all the insight they need to make a difference. Why aren't they doing the thing that they're supposed to do? And my response is, well, that's the gig. Like, people are hiring you because they can't do it by themselves. People are doing it because they can't hold themselves. No, and I mean, I put myself in this category. I can't hold myself accountable. I can't motivate myself to do the things that I need to do to make progress. I need someone that will give me clear, direct, and respectful insight, reflection, feedback, and, you know, help me, help me get motivated to make the difference that I have to make, right? You can't You can't become the person that you're meant to become until you not only see things differently, but do things differently. And that's your job as a Coach. And if you find yourself, and I do this all the time, I'm not, you know, I'm saying this because I know it's true, because I not only have been there, but was there this week. When I find myself saying, what the hell is wrong with these people? I know it's time for me to shut up and take a long look in the mirror because there's nothing wrong with those people. Those are people acting like people. What I need to do is take a long look at the mirror at myself, and I have to think to myself, what is the thing that I have to do? What, what do I need to see and do differently to help this person take the step that they need to take to start making progress toward the result that they hired me to achieve. So that's my little riff-rant on something that came up for me that I hope is helpful to each of you.
