247 — The Hidden Prisons We All Live In and How to Escape Them with Resilience Expert Shaka Senghor

On today's episode of Mentally Stronger. Do you hold on to shame about your past? Or do you let things like embarrassment, anxiety, fear and self doubt limit your life? If so, you're not alone. Many of us carry invisible burdens like guilt or regret. Or we just hold onto those old narratives that quietly shape our choices and keep us from growing. No stories that we tell ourselves and the beliefs that we have about ourselves can keep us from living our best lives. But what if you could break free from that? What if it was possible to transform even your darkest moments into a source of strength and meaning? That's what we're going to talk about on the show today, how to overcome those things. My guest is Shaka Sanghor, who knows this journey firsthand. After spending years in prison, including seven years in solitary confinement, he found a way to break free not just of his physical cell, but the mental and emotional prisons like shame and pain. Shaka's now a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and inspiration to millions of people. And he has a new book out called how to Be Free. Some of the things we talk about today are how to identify the mindsets and the emotions keeping you stuck, the price of holding onto things, and how to finally set yourself free.

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Welcome to Mentally Stronger. I'm Amy Morin, psychotherapist, mental strength trainer, and international best selling author of six books on mental strength. Every Monday I introduce you to a guest whose story and expertise can help you think, feel and do your best in life. And the fun part is we record the show from a sailboat in the Florida Keys. Now let's dive into today's episode. Shaka Senghor. Welcome to Mentally Stronger.

Hey, how are you? Thank you so much for having me, Amy. I'm really excited to be here.

I'm excited to talk to you and to dive into your story. And I read your book. I see how far you've come in life, how life has changed. And my first question for you is, if you had to describe your life today in one sentence, what would it be?

If I describe my life today in one sentence, it would say, this is the most incredible, unlikely magic carpet ride of a comeback story that you're ever going to hear.

And after reading your book, I would say I agree. If somebody had asked you that question when you were 20 years old, how do you think you might have answered that question back then?

If someone would have asked me that question at 20 years old, I would have said this is the most grueling, arduous, depressed, hopeless existence imaginable.

Wow.

Yeah. When I was reading your book, I was just thinking how far you've come from point A to point B. But before we get there, maybe we should talk about where it all started. Can you share a little bit about your childhood?

Yeah. So I grew up in the city of Detroit in a household that on the Outside looking in would be considered the model for black middle class, working class America. My dad was in the military, he was in the Air Force and he also worked for the state and mental health. My mother was a homemaker. They raised six children. We were kind of like the black Brady Bunch. It was like three boys, three girls. We lived in a brick home in the middle of a landscape block. But what was going on inside the household at that time was high levels of physical child abuse. My mother was physically violent toward my brothers and I. And when I was about 14 years old, I decided to run away from home. And my goal was just to find safety, which I think all children are deserving of. I was an honor roll scholarship student with dreams of being a doctor or an artist. I love both. The idea of being able to help people, but also the idea of being able to create. And unfortunately, I found myself seduced into the crack cocaine trade as a kid.

And after you did, I guess what happened from there? Give us the rest of the story that led to your incarceration.

Yeah. When I was first ran away from home, what I thought would happen was someone would see this little lovable, handsome little kid and welcomed me into their home and wrapped me in a warmth that I think all children are deserving of. But instead I found myself being robbed at gunpoint, beat nearly to death, my childhood friend being murdered, all before I was 15 years old. And despite that, I stayed in that culture. And at the age of 17, I got shot multiple times standing on the corner of my block. And about 14 months later, I found myself in a conflict at about 2 o' clock in the morning. And this time, instead of waiting to see what the outcomes would be, I shot first and tragically caused a man's death. It's one of the most regrettable and horrible decisions that I made in my life. Something that I live with today is one of those things in life that never goes away. When I'm mentoring kids, you know, I always talk to them about the impact, the long term impact of gun violence. Even if you're forgiven, the reality of living with taking someone's life is something that remains part of your life legacy. And I was arrested, charged with open murder, and sentenced to 17 or 40 years in prison for second degree murder and ended up serving a total of 19 years, with seven of those years being in solitary confinement.

And I can only imagine being that young and being sentenced to something like that. It probably felt like it was a life sentence at the time when you first went to prison. What Was that like for you?

When I first went to prison, I was angry, I was bitter. I blamed my parents. I blamed the school system, who I felt should have saw the signs that this good kid was going off the rails. I blamed everybody except for myself. I didn't want to be accountable, didn't want to be responsible. I got into all type of trouble. Now when people look at my life, sometimes they assume that I was like a model prisoner, and I'm like, I couldn't have been further for the truth. I got into so much trouble. My first few years in the prison, I accumulated about 35 misconducts, which ranged from dangerous contraband to assault on inmate, assault on staff. I was a fighter. I was rebellious. I was just so angry and broken. And most importantly, I just was hopeless. I didn't have any sense of, like, there can be another life for me. So I kind of leaned into what it meant to be in prison in a very violent prison. I went to Michigan Reformatory, also known as the gladiator school, where they were fights every day and stabbings on the yard and brutality by the officers and to the officers, like, you name it. It was happening in that environment, and that's what it was like the early days. But one thing that I really credit as part of the transformation is I met some of the most incredible mentors in that environment. Men who were serving life sentences. These are men who are. Some are still in there. They're going to die in prison. Some have got out after 40, 50 years or so. But these men saw something in me that was redeemable, and they guided me to books, and that was one of the first steps toward really turning my life around. And I'll just say this last part about that. I was super lucky. I was lucky to be literate. The average reading grade level in prison is third grade. And it is something that to this day, I have such a level of gratitude for the ability to read. And, you know, it's something that I'll never take for granted.

Absolutely. So you found mentors and people that changed their life in such an unlikely place. The men who mentored you, do you feel like they were good people who had made a bad choice? How did they have the life experience or the knowledge to help you? Do you feel like some of them are innocent?

I think there was a combination of things. What I learned early on in my life, as I began to examine my own life, was that to relegate people to good or bad, really imprisoned people to an idea that was very subjective and What I realized is that there are people who make wise and unwise decisions that are filtered through a lot of things that we often don't talk about, because to talk about them seems like we're excusing behavior. But I think that in order to understand human beings, you have to be willing to consider all of the things that went into their life's experience. And once I learned to do that within my own life, it was easy to be able to do that to others I met on my journey. Most of these men had made decisions when they were in their teenage years, and most of them had made decisions with similar backgrounds or high levels of violent trauma, sexual abuse, physical abuse, child abuse. You name it, they had been through it. And they were fortunate to come out on the other side with a bit of hope and being able to pour into others who they saw as having an opportunity to one day go free. And their reason was very selfish. They knew that we were returning to a community where their families lived at, where their children were left behind, where their mothers still had to navigate those neighborhoods. And they wanted to make sure that when we were returning home, we were returning home healthy and whole and additive. And so they had. They had a real motivation. And I just feel so blessed to have encountered these mentors on my journey.

And what did reading books do for you?

Reading books allowed me to come alive, to unlock this kind of deadened mindset that I had, that my life could only end with me dying in prison. Books allowed me to escape into other worlds, some fantasy worlds, some real worlds. I love autobiographies and memoirs to understand how people navigated tough experiences and experiences that were far different from mine. I loved really understanding what drove people to do whatever they did, whether it was positive or negative, but also loved fiction. I loved to explore those stories. And what I've always believed is that you can get some deeper truths through fiction in ways that nonfiction sometimes doesn't allow you to. And so they just allowed me to escape, to get away. I read everything. I mean, westerns, I read romance, sci fi, horror. But I love philosophy and self help books. But I was reading it all.

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Okay, we're back. And how did you survive solitary confinement? When we think about that, you see it on the movies. People envision somebody who goes into solitary confinement and slowly starts to lose their mind. In your case, the opposite happened. You started to come alive and learn and become a different person. Tell us about that again.

I. I was really fortunate. When I think about how I survived solitary confinement, I was really fortunate. Literacy is the thing that really allowed me to survive an environment that is designed to break you. No human being should be left to suffer in solitary for as long as I was in and as long as some of the men I served time with were in. I had a neighbor who was in for 10 years and one who was in for 20 years. And literacy really was the great equalizer for me. And I try to help people understand this because sometimes people say, well, solitary actually did work for you. And this couldn't be remotely further from the truth. What worked for me is that I was literate and I learned how to appreciate solitude versus solitary confinement, which are two very different things. And so for me, I set my days up as if I was at a university. I would study different subject matters every hour. One hour would be philosophy, one would be world history, African history. And then I would reward myself with just like some fiction reading or interesting story, but also a journal I wrote because I started with this question, how did I go from a kid wanting to be a doctor and an artist to serving out my most promising years in prison? And that led to me journaling to answer these tough questions of what happened to me? What were the things in my life that took me off that path and led to me being in that cell?

And.

And that journaling really opened up my mind to the power of unpacking pain on page and how empowering it was to really see the areas that I was responsible for, but also the areas that I wasn't responsible for. And so that combination of journaling setting up a structure kind of day for Myself really was helpful.

And.

And then I'll say the last thing with the literacy part is there was a book I read that told me all the things that was going to happen to my mind while I was in solitary confinement. And because I was aware of it, I knew that I could combat it. So whenever I felt myself succumbing to the environment, I would just grab a book and I would just open it up to any page and I would start reading. And just being able to move my mind forward through other people's story allowed me to break free of that pressure and that stress that was designed to break me down. And sadly, I saw many of the men around me were suffering. They were in different cycles of madness. Some of them had pre existing mental disorders that were compounded by that environment. And some of them had been driven to the brink of insanity in that environment. And I just knew I didn't want that to be my story. And so every day was a fight, and I fought it with the written word. That's why I'm such a big advocate of literacy and such a big habit of journaling, which I think is one of our superpowers that we don't take enough advantage of.

I think so as well. And there's so much research about reading and, and how six minutes of reading a day reduces our stress. And there is a lot of research about fiction in particular, that it's one of the few times we get inside the mind of somebody else because you can hear how somebody's thinking, and suddenly we feel a little bit less alone when we're like, oh, yeah, other people think this way too. Cause most of us, we don't walk around hearing what other people are thinking in real life. But books let us escape into that. And obviously you're a prime example of somebody who said, yeah, reading saved my life in so many ways. But it wasn't just books, was it? You got some letters that you read that also had a profound impact on you while you were in there too?

Yeah, absolutely. One of the first letters that I got was from a woman named Nancy. And Nancy, when she wrote me, she told me she was the godmother of the man whose life I was responsible for taking. And I remember that letter. And she articulated who he was and what he meant to his family and his friends. And just how I wanted to just borrow that letter up. And something just said, no, you need to finish reading this letter. And what Nancy said in that letter was, despite the harm you've caused me and my family, I Love you, because that's what God would want me to do. And, like, I was not emotionally mature enough at the time to even begin to understand the power of that gift. But there was something about that letter that I just kept coming back to and trying to fill. And what I realized is that the reason it was so hard for me to fill it is because I didn't feel worthy. I had caused this family devastation. I had caused extreme harm, and I didn't feel worthy of this gift that she had given me. But I kept going back to that letter. Kept going back to that letter. And then years later, when I was in solitary, I got a letter from my oldest son. At the time, he was my only son, but he's now my oldest. And he told me that his mom had told him why I was in prison. And I didn't have any context for how she told him that. I didn't know if she had told him to scare him, if she told him to shame him. But what I did know is that when he wrote me, he just said to me, dad, my mom told me, you're in prison for murder. Don't kill again. Jesus watches what you do. And there was so much profound wisdom in his insight into how he thought about life as a kid that it forced me to really think about, what do I owe this kid? And I knew that I owed him a father he could be proud of, and that I didn't know if I was getting out of prison at that time or not. But I knew that I had to evolve into the kind of man that even if I never got out of prison, that my son would be able to say, you know, I'm proud of my dad. My dad picked himself up from these circumstances that was designed to break him. My dad made a horrible decision. Not a mistake, but a decision that led to him being there. But he chose to show up in a way that was helpful to others and to tap into his own power as a human being to create something meaningful in the world. And so those letters I credit with being in a significant reason, with why I am able to be here and be present as I am today, and to be able to continue to write books that help others, because I had to learn how to help myself first. And that wouldn't have happened without those two letters.

And that's the incredible part of your story. You went from somebody who was reading and absorbing these books to becoming a New York Times bestselling author who now writes books that help transform other people's lives. But you Talk about in this book, about how it wasn't just the state of being physically imprisoned, but that we all have mental and emotional prisons. What do you mean by that?

Yes, it was incredible. When I thought about my own experience, I realized that I was in prison before I ever stepped foot in a prison cell. And I was in prison through a narrative, a narrative that said your life can only have two outcomes. You're either going to be dead or in prison before you're 21. And I bought into that narrative, and that narrative imprisoned me to the point where it led to me actually physically being in prison. And then I realized I was free before I ever walked out of prison. I was free because I chose to have agency over how I thought I was free because I chose to have agency over the action steps that I was willing to take when I discovered an idea that I cared about. And then what I've discovered in the 15 years that I've been free, as of last week, I celebrated 15 years of freedom, is that there are so many people in this world who are imprisoned by what I call these hidden prisons. Things like grief, shame, trauma, the inability to forgive. These are things that people have come to me from all walks of life. I mean, from some of the ultra rich to the ultra popular and successful, onto the everyday person who just happens to stumble upon my work, whether I'm out in the world. And what I found is this thread that we all have in common is sometime there are things that are in our way that we're just not consciously aware of or we have chosen to consciously ignore. And those things disrupt our ability to live freely, fully, joyfully, and meaningfully because we have not freed ourselves in a way that we're capable of. And it's unbelievable. I mean, the stories that people come up and say to me is like, you know, I've been grieving for 10 years because my child had an overdose, and I blame myself, and I have shame attached to that. And now, listening to your story, you've given me permission to. To free myself from that. The guilt of not being enough to stop the addiction. I've had people come to me about divorces and suicide and suicide attempts, and we talk about these pathways forward. And it really hit me during the pandemic when so many people were struggling with being just in their own home and not knowing if they were ever going to be able to leave their homes and be safe again because, you know, the media had done such a job of scaring us. And what happened during that time was some of the most prominent voices in the world was reaching out to me and saying, shaka, how do we help people navigate this tough time? And I realized that that was part of my overall calling, was to help people get free from fears, from shame, from even the well intentioned prisons that are things that are sometimes celebrated but stand in the way of ourselves and others.

So as a therapist, a lot of people come to me who I agree have been holding onto something for decades sometimes. But they'll say to me, and this is something you alluded to earlier, I don't deserve to let this go. I think I need to continue punishing myself. Or if I move on and become happy, then somehow it will mean that I don't care that much or that I let this thing go, But I have to hold onto it because if I don't, then I'm insensitive or I'm not a good enough person to find this joy in my life. How do we give ourselves permission sometimes to let those things go and allow ourselves to be free?

That is one of the great questions is one of the things that I really had to unpack in my own life. And what I realized is that when we fail to give ourselves permission to is because we're continuing to replay that old tape that runs in our head endlessly and we continue to accuse ourselves, to guilt ourselves, to shame ourselves. And what for me, what I had to arrive at is that what do I really deserve? I've been punished. I've been punished in ways that most people can't even imagine. And I've accepted that punishment. And I think that most of us who continue to repeat that pattern, we've accepted the punishment. And what we haven't accepted is that the punishment also ends like anything else. And only way it continues is if we continue the punishment far beyond its intended expiration date. And so getting, getting honest about what good have you done in the world? This is where the act of journaling came into play for me, is I began to write down, what good have I done since that moment? And what good do I continue to do? And I began to measure myself based on that. Like, how do I show up as a friend? How do I show up as a mentor? I mean, I was a tutor inside. And one of the things that brought me so much joy was helping other people learn how to read. And that had to count for something. Being a mentor to other men inside and creating space for them to get vulnerable and cry for the first time, that had to count for something. And so we have to count our wins. I challenge people all the time. Count your wins and tally those things up and look at them and go back and read them the same way that we go back and read those painful moments in our minds. Because that's what we do, right? We go back over and over and we beat ourselves down because we keep telling that story. Well, what if you start telling a different story? A story that's true, it's just as true as the other story. And if you live long enough, you have an opportunity to create more positive stories than that one moment that you're holding yourself hostage to. And that's what I've chosen to do. And that's what I invite other people to do. And that's why journaling to me is so important. Because it's the one place if you give yourself freedom to just get as vulnerable and as real as possible. When you go back and look at it, you'd be like, I can't believe I was beating myself up over this thing that is so old and outdated and so much life has happened since then. And that's what I challenge people to do in the book, is really go back and do active journaling. Not just a set it and forget it thing. But hey, how am I becoming? How am I learning to actually be? Which requires presence and it requires you to actually do something. Not just write it down, but listen. Create your mantra. I am free today. I don't have to be held hostage by my past. I can choose to be free in this moment. And you may go in and out of it, right? Which is fine. But you got to keep escaping, keep getting out of it, keep pushing yourself. And it gets less and less hard to do.

There's something interesting that happens when we hold on to shame, right? We think, oh, I'm not worthy of happiness or joy, or I don't have anything to contribute to the planet, or I can't turn around and help anyone else because I'm not good enough yet. And then if you fully believe that, then you don't take the action steps that would make your life or anybody else's life better. And it sort of becomes this self fulfilling prophecy. You could have gotten out of prison and decided that you were just gonna sit around and not do anything with the rest of your life because of all of the things that you had done or gone through. But instead you've decided, you know, I have a story to tell, I'm gonna tell it and I'm gonna reach around and help other people who might be struggling as well. Let's pause so I can share some offers from this week's sponsors. Cooler days call for layers that last and Quince is my go to for quality essentials that feel cozy, look refined and don't blow the budget. Think $50 Mongolian cashmere premium denim and luxe outerwear you'll wear year after year. Because Quint's partners directly with top tier ethical factories and cuts out the middleman, they deliver quality luxury pieces at half the price of similar brands. If you follow me on Instagram, you've seen how much I love my flow knit long sleeve tops from Quints. They've become my fall uniform. I have them in three different colors, but I don't just get clothes from Quince. I shop Quint's for everything I need around the house or in my case, my boat. They have become a one stop shop. Find your fall staples at quint. Go to quint.com stronger for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com stronger to get free shipping and 365 day returns.

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Absolutely. You know, when I came out of prison, I was in fact told to just kind of fly beneath the radar. Like, dude, you're a convicted murderer, and people are going to judge you for that. And people did judge me for that, and they still judge me for that. Like, I don't. The things that I go through today, they haven't disappeared. It's just the way that I choose to handle them. I can't tell you how many times that I've been labeled a felon and a convicted murderer and told that I should not have the things in my life that I have because of my past. And what I've realized is that our internal narrative is the most important story that we will ever hear. And it's the most important story that we'll ever tell is what is the story that we tell ourselves? And so for me, it's really interesting that I actually started off writing fiction. And when I would go and talk about my fiction, people would say to me, you don't sound like someone who's been in prison. And they meant that in the kindest and most thoughtful way. But it kept brushing up against something internal that I didn't know what it was initially. And then it struck me that is shame. Like, the idea of someone being in prison is something to be ashamed of. And it also means that you're seen as not capable of articulating a sentence or speaking a broad enough thought to connect with other human beings. And that's what inspired me to actually write about my prison experience, because I met some of the most incredible human beings in the world in prison. I met mentors. I met philosophers and legal Minds that are brilliant. And I met masterful scientists who can figure out how to solve a problem, and great educators. And so for me, writing about that experience was as much about them as it was about myself. And then as I began to continue to doing the work, I just started to realize like, there's all kind of prisons. There's people who have been traumatized in their childhood and they have a regular job and on the surface it looks like they have a regular life, but they have something that eats them up inside every day. People who have broken relationships with their parents because of the harms caused, people who have been shamed at work and who self esteem has been attacked. And so when I started seeing this, I was like, we have way more in common than we have difference. And obviously like my life is the extremes of these worlds, but when you get down to it, the pain points that a lot of us suffer from, most of us have way more in common than we would ever give credit to.

I agree. As a therapist, I have the opportunity to hear people walk into my room. They tell me all about all of these things. The struggles that they have and the emotions, the struggles, the deep rooted fears people have are so similar no matter what walk of life they come from, no matter what they've been through or where they're headed. So many of us are struggling with the exact same things. We just never talk about it. And in your life today looks like you're doing incredible things. Tell us a little bit about some of the amazing things that you do.

Yeah, that's a great question. I'm always gonna be an advocate for people who are incarcerated. So I try to focus now more on providing tools for people inside, you know, and providing an example. So I still go visit prisons. I've been in prisons in other countries. I've been in prisons in Germany and London and Ghana. I visit prisons all across the country and really talk about giving ourselves a second chance because sometimes the system is not going to do it. Helping people kind of really find their way. I work with companies now, a lot of executives, to help them really think about their company culture, especially in a world where people are grappling with diversity and things of that nature. What I talk a lot about is company culture and leadership principles. I get a chance to work with just some brilliant minds when it comes to unlocking our potential. And then the things I'm most excited about is just like being a dad and leaning into this new phase of my life. I just celebrated 15 years of freedom and I'm Thinking about myself a little bit more these days. You know, I've done a lot of work that really centered on changing bills and laws and helping other people. But now I'm like, I want to have more fun for myself and be fully present in that. So I'm getting back into, like, creative things that really speak to my soul and my spirit. So that's kind of like life today. I'm a husband and feeling like a real adult now. It's kind of the thing that I think marriage has grown me up in a different way and really just enjoying building this life.

So earlier you were talking about how unlikely you are to be in the position that you're in. To think of somebody who spent seven years in solitary confinement to become somebody who now teaches executives about company culture. Right. It's two different planets almost. And here you are doing these incredible things. How about these days in terms of finding joy and as you're talking about parenthood and being a husband, this huge smile on your face. How do you find enjoyment and allow yourself permission to get all that joy out of life without being bitter or angry or feeling like you missed out on all of this other stuff?

Yeah, I mean, that's a great question. I think about joy a lot as just as a human being and how often we deprive ourselves of things that, that bring us joy. And so for me, it's like, you know, I have these big, incredible moments. You know, I've had some of the greatest travel vacations and, you know, met some of the most interesting people in the world, some who are now, now dear friends. But my joy is in, like, simple things, right? So I've discovered, and this is part of that awareness in journaling. One of my favorite things to do is to find first edition paperback books in old bookstores. I am so happy in old spaces. There's a thing about the smell of books, the feel of them. And there's something really special about used books. Like to go in and see if somebody's like, written something in it or it was a book dedicated to this person. And so that brings me just a ton of joy is finding and discovering these books. Music is a big part of my life, so building out my vinyl collection has been fun. Reminds me of experiences with my dad. Finding a great bottle of tequila is like the joy of mine. And, you know, and so it's just these things of, like, how do I be present with my family? You know, I've been introducing my son to concerts lately. So being a dad and watching my Son just kind of navigate life. It brings me a great sense of joy and just great stories. Sitting around the fire with friends and talking about life. And within all this, it was really overcoming that kind of remorse that survivors or remorse and survivors guilt and realizing that I can experience joy and it doesn't deprive someone else. I can experience joy. And it doesn't mean that I'm not responsible for my past and that I haven't been accountable and haven't shown up in a way that really speaks to what I've gone through in a way to help others. I find a great sense of joy in giving back. Being philanthropic is a great part of my work and something I try to lead by example with my son. When I go back inside prisons, people would say to me like, you know, if I served that amount of time, I would never go back in that place. And at one point I thought that it's very. It can be very triggering the smell more than anything. Like I absolutely hate institutional smell. You know, I found that it actually exists not just in prisons, but hospitals and schools kind of have a similar smell to them. But when I. When I tell you, Amy, that going in and fellowshipping with the men and women inside brings me the greatest sense of joy and fulfillment. It is something that even as a writer, it's hard for me to describe that feeling of knowing that someone in that room is going to find something in my story that they're going to connect to and they're going to know that there's a way out, There's a way out of the sadness, there's a way out of the hopelessness, there's a way out of the hurt, there's a way out of hurting others and that they're going to challenge themselves to do better and be better. Like that sense of fulfillment I get from that, you know, those letters that the men and women write me from there, the messages that I've gotten after they've got out of prison and said, reading your story, I'll never forget when you came to visit us. That enriches my spirit in a way that just. You can't pay for that, you know. And so showing up in that way has been so fulfilling to me and brings me joy. But those book haunts, that's my jam there. I'm like, tell me a good bookstore that got some edition ones. Oh my God, I'm like so happy about it.

That sounds fun. I like that as a hobby.

Yeah.

What a story though, of somebody who went from saying I felt Absolutely hopeless to now. You're instilling hope in other people who probably are there as well. And you're making such a difference, and you know that you have the ability to create change and have this positive impact on the world. Which brings me to my last question. If we all learn to let go of some of the mental and emotional prisons that we hold onto, how does that make us mentally stronger?

That's a great question. When I think about mental strength and fortitude, the part of letting go is acknowledging, and I think that is the greatest builder of fortitude, is if you can acknowledge that, hey, I've been hurt by this thing, but I'm still here. I've caused hurt, but I help heal. I've experienced sadness, but there's also moments of joy that I've experienced. And just by naming it, just by saying it and calling it out and speaking it out. And it requires, like, trusted spaces, right? Journaling is a great space for that, but also community. It's so amazing to me, specifically as a man, to be in community with other men who, because of my willingness to be vulnerable, has created a trusted community where these men open up in ways. And I always tell people, I know I have a hack as a man, I've survived tough stuff. So men look at that and be like, oh, okay, this guy is tough. He's been through it, right? But there's a sweetness to unpacking emotional vulnerability with other men who've never had that in their life, and to see these men come alive. And so part of that, I think, is accessible to all of us as community and a community of curiousness, a community of vulnerability. And life gets so much better when you just can trust yourself to write it down first of all and then invite people in. And you don't have to do it all at once. It's not like, hey, pour out everything that's ever happened to you at once. But it's like, you got to put your foot in the water. You got to put your foot in the water, and next thing you know, you got your knee in the water. Next thing you know, you're waist deep in it, and next thing you know, you're treading, and then you're swimming, and then you're doing backflips off the diving board because you're like, hey, I like it here. And that's what I really hope that the book does for people, is to really help them see that there is a path forward, that they hold the keys. We always hold the keys. And that if we're willing to use them, and they'll open those doors. And one of the things I say in the book is that everybody has a hidden prison. And what I know is that those prisons has doors. And what I also say is that you may find yourself going in and out. Sometimes you go back into some of the tougher ones, grief. But sometime with forgiveness. Forgiveness is tricky. You can forgive someone, and then they'll repeat the behavior. You're like, wait a minute. I thought I forgave you, and now we're back here. That's a tricky one, right? Because at some point, if you really want to get out of it, you have to let go of the attachment to them being anything other than who they've always been. But sometimes it takes you going in and out, in and out, before you finally get out and stay out. And that is a thing I want people to take away. Is like, listen, getting free is the best feeling in the world. I can't even tell you how liberating it was to walk out of those doors and for the first time. But it didn't even compare to the first time I escaped in my mind and knew that I would never be imprisoned by a narrative that didn't serve me again. Like the joy I felt from that discovery of recognizing the beauty of my own mind can't even begin to compare to the first day I physically walked out of prison.

What a powerful story. Shaka, thank you so much for being on Mentally Stronger.

Amy, thank you so much for having me and for really pushing us to be mentally stronger. Thank you.

Welcome to the therapist. Take the part of the show where I'll give you my take on some of the strategies Shaka says helped him thrive. Here are three of my favorite takeaways from our conversation. Number one, remember that your past doesn't have to define you. It's interesting how often we get stuck in the past and we allow it to define our future. Like, maybe you were told you were bad at math back in the third grade, and to this day, you won't try to calculate the tip for waitstaff without asking someone to help you because you believe that. Or maybe you made a mistake like Shaka did, and you feel like you don't deserve a good life now. I appreciated how Shaka talked about the struggle that he experienced with accepting what he'd done and while also challenging the idea that he could still live a good life. Moving forward, it's important to challenge the limiting stories that we've been told or those stories that we tell. Ourselves and to replace them with a narrative of strength, resilience and purpose. Number two Reading and journaling can set you free Reading books and writing in a journal were how Shaka learned new ways of thinking. He developed new beliefs about life, and he also came up with strategies to break his old patterns. And this isn't that surprising. Therapists often recommend clients read. It's called bibliotherapy because reading is incredibly therapeutic. Whether it's a self help book or fiction, reading is great for your mind. It can help you develop a new perspective or, like Shaka says, set you free from your limiting beliefs. And journaling. So many of our guests credit journaling with helping them transform, and there's not a single right way to do it. Maybe you have a daily journal where you just write down your thoughts, or maybe you buy one that has prompts because you don't always know what to write. But getting your thoughts out of your mind and onto a page can help you make more sense of your life. And number three, Joy is found in the simple moments. I love that Shaka talked about how he finds joy in the little things in life. From collecting the first edition books to introducing his son to concerts, he reminds us that joy doesn't have to come from huge events. Sometimes it's the little things. And finding freedom from guilt or shame doesn't mean forgetting your past. It means allowing yourself to celebrate the life that you're building now. Part of escaping our emotional and mental prisons is all about giving ourselves permission to fully enjoy life. And Shaka's story is proof that no matter what hardships you've endured or what mistakes you've made, there's always a road to mental strength, joy, and purpose. So those are three of his strategies that I highly recommend.

To not allow your past to define.

You, to use reading and journaling to set yourself free, and to find joy in those simple moments. To hear more about Shaka's story, check out his new book, how to Be Free. As always, thanks for hanging out with me and for listening to Mentally Stronger. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to share it with someone who might benefit from hearing Shaka's story. Just sharing a link to this episode might help someone feel better and grow stronger. And don't forget to subscribe to Mentally Stronger on your favorite podcast platform. And of course we'd love it if you'd leave a rating or review this show because it helps us reach even more people around the globe. And if you want even more strategies for building mental strength, join mentally stronger Premium. Just click on the link in today's show notes. You'll get extra episodes, opportunities to ask me your questions about mental strength, and monthly bonuses that will help you grow mentally stronger. And as always, a big thank you to my world famous producer who created the music for the podcast Nick Valentine.

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