Grief counselor Shakeeta Torres shares five ways she coped after losing her mother at 11: talking openly about it, journaling and crying, forgiving her mother despite abuse and addiction, creating playlists of her favorite music, and accepting healing as ongoing and non-linear. She describes how prayer and a spiritual dream helped fill the void her mother left.
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Good morning, Instagram! Good morning, good morning. Um, today is Tuesday, October 26th, and it is about 8:46 AM. If you did not catch this, um, catch this live, um, thanks for coming back and watching the replay. So, um, today I really wanted to just, you know, talk about, you know, my experience with with my mom, you know, passing away. Hey, you guys, thank you guys for joining. Hey, guys, good morning, good morning, good morning. Um, and I'm just now, I'm leaving the gym. I love going to the gym because it's time for me to really like quiet my mind. I'm able to just, you know, just work out and worship, really. And during my workout time this morning, I was able to just really think about, you know, my mom and think about her birthday. Honestly, I played the same song over and over and over again. Um, I Wish You Were Here, a song by Jamie Foxx that I love so much. It's also my siblings' favorite song. Um, late last night I posted a reel honoring my mom for her birthday. But you guys, I was up late. I was up till about 2 o'clock this morning because I was just sitting there just reminiscing about her, her life, things we've been through as children, things that I've endured, things that God has brought me out of how, you know, how I healed over the years and how God has truly just blessed me and given me beautiful, beautiful ashes. Um, he's given me a wonderful husband. I have wonderful children. I have wonderful friends and wonderful family who love me dearly and love me for who I am. And I'm just grateful. I'm sad today, I'm not gonna lie, but I'm also just grateful. And so I wanted to hop up here, uh, for a few minutes and just share with you guys 5 ways to cope with the death of a parent. Um, many of you who have lost a parent know that that type of hurt and pain is different. It's just different, okay? Losing a, you know, um, a sibling is different. Losing a, um, a child is different. Each loss is different. And over the years, my family and I have lost so many people. I mean, our uncles have passed away that we were very close to. We had, you know, a lot of death in our family. Even my husband's brother was murdered this summer. That's been very difficult for, you know, my family and his mom and his children. And so death is inevitable, right? But it still hurts and it still has an effect on us. And I know that around this time of the year, it's more difficult for people because of the holidays. It's fall time, right? And, you know, it's getting cool outside. And so really we all we have time to do really is to think because we can't go anywhere like we used to because it's not sunny outside, right? So, but anywho, I wanted to get up here and share 5 ways of how I cope over the years of my mom's passing away. So, um, as I said before in my other post, she died when I was 11 years old. Um, I'm the oldest of 4, okay? So I have a brother, 2 brothers, um, underneath me, and a baby sister. Who was 4 whenever she passed away. And whoo, you guys, that was very difficult. I can remember every detail of that day, of, you know, when she passed away, when we got the news, you know, how they told us about it. It was just a very tragic day, okay? So one of the things that, um, have helped me over the years is one, talking about it. Talking about it. Whenever she passed away, I so many people asking me all the time, like, Shakeeta Torres, what happened? How'd your mom pass away? And so for the first 10 years after losing her, I was asked that question a lot, okay? And I told the story. I explained to them detail for detail, you know, how she passed away, you know, what happened. And I would cry every single time, whether it was at work, whether it was my friends whatever it was, I cried. And the people that asked me that question, they gave me the space to cry, they gave me the space to vent, and they cried too sometimes. And that in itself, like, was very healing. So sorry, I didn't mean to cry. So, so thank you for the ones who ever asked me that. Because it meant a lot. It gave me the space to really talk because, you know, when we were younger, we didn't get a chance to go to therapy. You know, we didn't have a safe place to go and talk about, talk about how she died. And the second thing we would do, I would do because I would journal, I would write out my feelings a lot, and you know, I would cry. There's been plenty of times that I cried myself to sleep, so many times as a child, so many times, because we were still in a situation environment where it was very toxic and it was very traumatizing for all 4 of us, and we didn't get the support, you know, that we needed. And so I would cry a lot, and you know, crying is healing, it really is. Um, the third thing that we did, you know, growing up, me and my siblings, is, you know, a lot of times I feel like people, whenever they lose a loved one, talk about the good. Because we're always taught, right, in our different families, our different cultures, to just talk about the good stuff, right? But talking about the bad things is also important because the bad things matter. The bad things affect, you know, how we heal. The bad things affect how we perceive the death. The bad things really, uh, talk about the bad things, really help our heart to really purify in the process the thing that we've experienced. You know, my mom did the best that she could, the best that she knew how to do, but she wasn't always a good mom. You know, she battled addiction, she dated toxic men who abused her. You know, her boyfriend abused me sexually and physically, and he abused my siblings mainly physically and emotionally, and that was tough. And so my siblings and I were very intentional when we got together, you know, of talking about the things that she didn't do right. Because even in our family, um, from the outside, you know, our aunts and uncles, they didn't even want to talk about the bad things because it hurt. It does hurt to acknowledge it, but it's necessary because it's tied to your healing. It's hard to heal from something that you've been through if you can't discuss, like, the truth. And the truth is she wasn't a good mom. And guess what? That's okay. I forgive her. My siblings forgive her. We love her wholeheartedly. And that, you know, like, that doesn't, like, diminish her life and who she was. She was loved by many people. My mom was a socialite, you know. I think that, um, for one, me, for sure, I have a lot of her personality traits where she just loved people, and if she has, you know, you know, had anything to give someone, she would just give it to them. But when it came to her parenting, it wasn't, it wasn't the best, you know, and that's okay. Uh, number 4 is, um, create a playlist of songs. You know, you can create songs from the past, from, you know, um, just songs that your parent might have like listened to. My mom, she loved music. She loved old school music. She loved to sing. She loved to, you know, danced a lot. I always say that, you know, my husband would get along with her so great if she was here because they both like love music. They love old school music. Uh, one of the songs that, you know, she played a lot was, um, Jill LaVert, Practice What You Preach. Oh child, she played that song probably about 100 times a day because she— oh my God, like, she, she was saying it all the time, so I know it by heart now. Jill LaVert song. Um, also listening to, you know, watching TV shows. Like, one of the things that my mom did a lot growing up was watch soap operas. Like, she would watch Young and the Restless, she would watch, um, As the World Turns, The Guiding Light, and The Bold and the Beautiful over her top 4 shows. She watched them shows, ah, every day. And so as I got older, I would record some of them and watch them because I felt like I was like right there with her watching the stories. So, you know, it's okay to do that. It's okay. And so we were, um, so I would watch, you know, Young and the Restless, and I haven't watched it in many, many years now, but there was definitely a way that, um, I coped. Yeah, Barry White, there you go. My husband said Jill LaVert. That's wrong. See, I told y'all he's really good at old school music. He said it's not Jill LaVert, it's Barry White. Thanks for the correction. So yeah, I'm not that great with, um, with the, with, um, with the singers' names, but my husband is. Um, and so yes, you guys, so listening to music, um, watching their favorite TV shows. Um, and then number 5 is knowing that healing is a process. It is a journey, okay? You're gonna have days where you're sad, you're going to be triggered, you're going to have, um, moments where you feel like, God, I can't do this anymore. Um, but the key is like allowing yourself to feel those emotions. Don't ignore them. Healing is so necessary. Healing is so important. And I will share with you all my testimony as to why I know I had to heal from my mom's passing away and allow God to fill that void. So I had went through a season in my life where, you know, here I am, I'm in ministry, you know, I love the Lord, you know, and I will meet different women along the way. And at some point, these women would end up hurting me, right? Probably about 4 or 5 times. And I'm like, God, I don't understand why I keep getting hurt by these women. Like, in the beginning it would be good, it started off right, you know, and then eventually it would go sour. And I'm like, God, what did I do, right? Yeah, my husband said, babe, I don't understand why you keep getting hurt by women. I'm tired of it, okay? So one day I was driving, you know, um, and I'm like, God, I'm like, can you please show me, please tell me, you know, why do I keep getting hurt by these women? And he said, because you have a mother wound that you have not allowed me to fully heal you from. And I was like, light bulb, ding ding ding ding. He said, he said, because you are such a loving person, you have a big heart. He said, when you come across these women who you think mean you well, in the beginning it seems cool, but like, but it's like, but it's like they see my vulnerabilities, which is my mother wound, and they try to feel it. Right, and take advantage of me, take advantage of who I am in Christ, okay? And I said, oh my God, y'all, I was like, in awe. I said, well, God, I didn't realize that I was repeating, you know, that same pattern. I'm like, Father, can you please heal me? Can you please heal my heart? Because I don't want to continue to endure, you know, this pain of being hurt by different women. And so that same night I went to sleep, and around this time my husband was overseas, and, uh, he was in, um, and Jordan. And I went to sleep and I had this dream that I was like in a circle with other people, kind of like in therapy, kind of like a support group, um, for, for people who have, you know, who have lost a loved one. And I was sharing my pain and sharing my story about my mom. And in that moment, it was like I felt like my heart was healing. But when I woke up, y'all, my heart was like— I could feel that God had mended my heart in that particular area. And I said, I was like, God, I was like, did you hear my heart? And I was like— and he said, yes, I did, because you asked me to. You asked me to heal your heart, and by faith I healed your heart. I said, Lord, y'all, I cried. Like, I promise you, like, most of that day I cried. I cried. And, you know, prior to that, you know, I was having a moment. So, you know, I have two daughters And I know for a fact that, you know, I'm not the same mother to them that my mom was to me. And so sometimes I'm like, God, I wish I had a mama like me, okay? I wish I had a mom like me, you know? But that's okay, because in that moment, God filled that void in my heart. And when the scripture says that he'll be father to the fatherless and mother to the motherless, that's true, okay? That is so true. That scripture came alive for me in my heart that day. It was like God was waiting for me to ask him to come in and feel that void and to come in and heal my heart. Now mind you, I didn't mean counseling, I'd have been to therapy, I did all those things, you know, all the things that I needed to do to heal. But it was one particular area that kept popping up for me like a cycle, okay? And God healed my heart. God healed my heart, y'all. And so, um, I discussed more on my podcast Pain, Passion, and Purpose, um, episode 1, Pain. I talk a whole lot more about my mom, how she died, you know, the events that led up to it. And, um, it was difficult. It was difficult. I've been trying to get my siblings to come and be a part of my podcast too. My younger brother is like, "I'm down, just let me know." He's like, "I'm here." He said, "I'll do it with you." But the other two are more like, you know, more reserved. And also acknowledging the fact that all four of us, we have different memories of our mother. All of us do. All of us. Some are good and some are not so good, and some are great, you know, and that's okay. And so we often, we get together and we laugh and we talk about our mom. Um, I don't— I feel like sometimes I hear people say, well, my mom died, my dad died, but I don't have anyone to kind of talk to her about. Because sometimes it's difficult, you know, for people to talk about, you know, um, the pain of losing a parent. But one of the things too I realized as well is that sometimes we blame ourselves. I know whenever my mom first died, you guys, I blame myself for years. Mainly because around that same time I had told, you know, um, our pastor at that time that my— that my mom's boyfriend had abused me sexually. And so when that happened, they— you know, she chose him over me. So he was arrested, they took me out the home, okay? And so I blame myself, you know, for her dying because I feel like I should have been there. Like, if I had been there, I could have prevented it. If I had been there, I could have, you know, prevented her from dying in a house fire. But I'm 11 years old. My other brother, I didn't know this until we became adults, he told me like one day, um, he was just like so emotional. I'm like, hey, what's going on? Like, you know, you know, talk to me. And he was crying and he was emotional. He was like, you wasn't there. I said, what you mean I wasn't there? He said, you wasn't there the day mom died. And I wasn't. I was with my aunt because of what happened to me, okay? And so, um, he said that him and my younger brother had went to the grocery store up the street. At that time it was called, I believe, Piggly Wiggly or IGA, I can't remember. So they had rode the bike to the store, and when they came back on the bike to the store, they saw the house in flames. They saw the smoke coming from my house, okay? And so when they, um, so he heard, like, he went to the front, to the front doorstep, he heard my mom screaming. He heard her saying, "Help me, help me!" And he was trying his very best to like bust down the doors to get in the house to save her. Okay, so here he is, he's 9 years old, he's a little boy, he's a kid. He can't save my mama. He can't go in there and get her out. It's fire and smoke everywhere, everywhere. So for years he blamed himself for my mom's death. I didn't even know that. But my God, that day he told me and I said, it's not your fault. I don't know what I said to him, y'all, but at this time I'm a Christian, okay? So during this time I'm ministering to him, I'm pouring into him, and I'm just like, let it go. I, I— y'all, I felt something break, okay? Something broke in my brother that day and he has not been the same ever since, okay? Because it wasn't his fault. Oftentimes we blame ourselves for things that happen in our life that is not our fault. Okay, because we, we were children, and in therapy we call that hindsight bias. Okay, you can look it up, hindsight bias. And so over the years, you know, fast forward, you know, I've had— over the years I've had to shed layers. I've had to shed the layers and allow, you know, God to heal my heart from so much trauma, from so many things that we had to endure growing up. But y'all, I'm a breathing, walking, living testimony that your life can be better. Your life can turn into purpose. Am I supposed to be here with y'all right now on Instagram Live? Am I supposed to be a therapist? Am I supposed to be married with a whole family? Am I supposed to be living my best life the way God designed for it to be? And when I say— but I'm not saying a perfect life, but I have a whole life. Like, I'm whole. I am healed. And I thank God for that. God is so good, y'all. And so, you know, I wanted to come up here and just share, you know, some of my testimony., and I wanted to share with you guys 5 tips that you can implement now to, you know, help you to cope with a parent's death. So if you get a chance, go back and, you know, watch the replay. You know, I did get a little emotional. I mean, today's her birthday. I mean, I couldn't help but get emotional. Um, thank you guys so much for watching. Thank you, um, Dee Dee, for watching. The Wealthy Crown, thank you. Mr. Griggs for watching. My husband joined me. For a little bit too. Um, thank you, uh, Cooper 37, for getting up here. Thank you for, um, can't, can't, why can't we. Oh yeah, absolutely, you're welcome, you're welcome. Um, before I got up here, I said, I prayed, I said, God, help me to be transparent, help me to share my story that will, you know, help somebody else. And, um, you know, now that I'm a grief counselor, I used to work in hospice Oh my gosh, y'all, whoo, that was a journey by itself. Okay, that's how I knew I was healed, because I worked at hospice, y'all, and the people that were there had family members who were there dying every day. And the Lord graced me to be able to be there for them during that time. Um, but now I'm a therapist. Now I do grief coaching, I do trauma, you know, trauma therapy, trauma coaching. Um, you know, I help people understand their God-given purpose. Heal from their pain, heal from their past. And it's possible. It is so possible because I did it. God did it. There's, there's no— there's nothing too hard that you can't come out of. It's not. I'm, I'm convinced. Like, I have like 100% confidence that anybody can heal. Anybody. I don't care what it is. I don't care if you're an alcoholic. I don't care what you are, where you came from. You can, you can, you can heal. Okay, so again, uh, thank you guys so much for watching. I do have a Grief and Faith e-course. You know, if you go to my bio, I have a quiz called, um, How Much Do You Know About Grief? You can click on that. It's a quiz, it'll take you right into, you know, the e-course. Um, if you buy it or not, guess what? That's okay. I'm still gonna post and send out good content to help you guys, to encourage you guys, because number one, it's what God has called me to be, called me to do. Is to encourage y'all. Okay, so again, thank you so much for watching, and I will see you guys next time. Yeah, there is grace for it. You have it. Yes, yes. Glory to God. Glory to God. Thanks for all the hearts, uh, The Wealthy Crown. I appreciate it. All right, well, I will see you guys later. Hopefully I get off this, uh, thing correctly. Yeah, have a great day. Bye.
