In this episode of the "Marriage Nuggets" series, Shakeeta Torres invites her husband Rafael to discuss essential topics couples should consider before marriage. They share personal experiences from their own ten‑year marriage, emphasizing the value of premarital counseling to uncover hidden issues and set realistic expectations. The conversation moves to practical boundaries with family and friends, stressing the order of priorities (God, spouse, children) and the need for the husband to lead respectfully. They explore motivations for marriage, warning against entering the covenant for social pressure and urging spiritual alignment with God’s purpose. A significant portion addresses their own sexual history before marriage, the concept of "soul ties," and the spiritual and emotional fallout they experienced, including vivid dreams and the need for prayerful healing. Communication gaps—both verbal and non‑verbal—are identified as early challenges, and they stress continuous effort, consistency in courtship gestures after the wedding, and honest discussion of past relationships. Faith is presented as a third strand in the marriage, with prayer and seeking God’s guidance highlighted throughout. They conclude with practical tips: take time to truly know your partner, establish clear boundaries, maintain the same love language post‑marriage, and recognize that marriage does not magically fix problems but requires intentional work and reliance on God.
Chapters
Hello, hello, hello! My name is Shakeeta. Welcome back to my YouTube channel. So today I have a very special guest on my channel. This is my husband Rafael Torres, and, um, we have decided— and we actually, actually, no, the Lord told us to do this, um, to join me on the marriage series that I started doing about 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago, you know, I did one about marriage nuggets. So this is a continuation of marriage nuggets. So he and I will be doing a series about marriage and, um, all kind of things you got. Whatever God put in our heart to share with you guys, we're going to do that. And we're very transparent, um, and we just love— we just love people and they help people. Um, so today, um, our topic is going to be entitled Before I Say I Do. So you want to start off, babe? Yes.
Okay, so, um, when she approached me about it, I was like, oh yeah, definitely, we can do it. It's a need. So the first thing is to start is before we say I do. So I believe marriage counseling is very— in our premarital counseling is very important to reveal things that you probably normally would not discuss with your soon-to-be spouse, um, some things that might make you feel uncomfortable, just to reveal and put everything out there beforehand, before you say I do. That way you don't go into the marriage with any surprises. So, um, we used our pastor at the time to, um, we had several sessions. We would like to receive more, but even in those several sessions, it dug pretty deep. Had a few homework assignments that, um, we had to like buy each other little— we had like a little gift. Yeah, um, gifts. And, um, it was very good little sessions of homework we had, but It also, um, reveals some things like what would make me want to leave.
Will that make or break the relationship?
Make or break the relationship.
Make you want to leave? Yes.
Things like that, that you probably normally might not feel comfortable talking about. They say that counselor probably going to put you in those situations of what's it going to take, what's, um, pet peeves, what irritates you. Um, some things you might have like put away in your closet that you don't want to reveal. But it's, it's definitely a need, and it— I'm pretty sure that that definitely helped us, um, to where we didn't go into the marriage with any, any surprises.
Yeah. So yeah, the only thing I should have worked on even more was our communication. I don't think that we had enough of that part, um, because moving forward, you know, we— he and I communicate differently, you know, whether it's verbal or non-verbal, right? And so I can definitely look back and see that that was some of our problems in the beginning, is our lack of communication skills not being, you know, up to par. Um, so yes, and we'll be married for 10 years this summer, July 18th. I'm super excited. Um, I can definitely see, um, God's hand on our relationship. And I can see the growth that he has had over the years and the growth that I've had. And we have two daughters, you know, 8 and, um, almost 4. She'll be 4 in July as well. And so we have been through a lot of tests, a lot of trials, um, but God, we got through by the grace of God. And so I do believe that we have a lot of wisdom to share with people to help them, um, in different areas of their relationship. Amen. Yeah.
Also, beforehand, when you're, you know, courting and dating each other, to, uh, if you're going to go that extra step into, you know, getting engaged and then getting married, you have to set up boundaries with friends and family. We've seen people around us that no longer together because of influences around them. Not setting up those boundaries between parents, because once you unite with your spouse, they are first. Yeah, well, God is first, spouse is second, children are third, then it's everyone else. So until you get your order correct, it's going to be a bumpy road. Yes, very bumpy. So you need to, uh, step up, stop being timid. Be that, men, be the head of your household. And sometimes you might have to step in and put someone respectfully in their place and be like, listen, this is my spouse. You're no longer, you know, my everything in my world. Mama, Daddy, Pa, Ma, whatever you call your family. Even, you know, some grandparents, they have those relationships I don't have with mine. They're like, just, it's too much and too much say-so in your household. That's for no one else to speak into except your spouse and yourself. So if you set it up beforehand, it's not going to be an issue later. If you set it up when you know you're really serious about that person, you're going that step, you'll go ahead and set those boundaries in order.
Yes. And I also want to address the fact that, you know, when you get— when you're engaged, like, what is your goal? Like, why are you getting married? Are you getting married? This is like, oh, I have a husband or I have a wife, you know. You're getting married because all your other friends are getting married. And trust me, I know that, you know, being single is not always fun. It's not. Um, it's pros and cons to being married, pros and cons to being single. It's— they're actually both gifts from the Lord if you look in scripture. Um, and so with that, you know, make sure that the person you're married is who someone God has sent your way, right? But God said give us a choice on what we should do because he and I— I shared it before in my other video that we weren't looking for a relationship, we weren't looking to get married. It was literally like God had put us together for a reason and purpose. We didn't fully understand that at that particular time, but as we grew and him individually, we begin to see why he put us together. Anything else? Oh yes, go ahead. Um, so we were talking about last night about what to address in the before I say I do, and I want to be very transparent about this. So, you know, the, the word of God says, you know, to not get married, not to have sex before marriage.. And I always read that scripture. I knew that. And he and I did have sex before we got married and we actually lived together for how many months before we got married?
About 7, because we got married in July. So moved in, I got back from some Army training and that was January of 20— uh, 2009. So from 2009, January to July, um, we were together, yeah, living together.
And so when we met each other, we, we hadn't gotten saved yet, okay? We didn't give our life to Christ till, I want to say, October, and we got engaged in December. So before October, we had sex with each other, okay? After we got saved, we tried to have sex with each other. I know for me, I feel so convicted, like the Holy Spirit would just convict me so much. I just, I would cry because I knew in my heart and my spirit knew that I was not honoring what God has said scripturally. So moving forward, you know, we talked about that and we did get married. Um, then the enemy began to attack me of everything from my past. Any person I had had any kind of sexual encounter with, it was like warfare for me. Like, you know, I shared with you guys in other videos that, um, God deals with me in visions and dreams. So with that, because God deals with me in that, the enemy tried to attack me in my visions and dreams too. So for years it was like I fasted, I prayed, I went before God. I had to wrestle with a lot of stuff that I didn't want to wrestle with, that I wasn't even thinking about anymore. And I would tell him like, babe, I need you to pray for me because I had this dream last night, I had that dream last night. And I was embarrassed at first. I was like, God, what's wrong with me? Me? Am I crazy? Am I— I don't desire any other man. Why am I seeing this? Why am I feeling this? Why is this going on in my dreams and my visions? But when I woke up, I didn't feel that way. But in my dreams and vision, I'm literally running from these people, running, okay, for my life, okay? And so, you know, I shared it with my aunt at the time. I said, this is what's going on with me. She told me, she said, you have soul ties. You have spiritual soul ties that God has to break in your life. And so I had to go through that. Where God had to break ties. Because women, we are open vessels. We are the receivers. So whatever it is that the man we lay down with— is the man or woman you lay down with and you are, you know, having sex with them— you receive that. So I can definitely look back and see some of the men I have been with, the things they struggle with, I begin to struggle with. I did. And I'm like, wow, that, that is so true. You know, men, they deposit into us, right? So whatever is going on with your significant other or whoever you're messing with, whatever they're dealing with, you're gonna wrestle with that too. So I know for sure that God was teaching me, it was allowing me to learn a lesson, okay? I don't think he was punishing me. I don't think he had forgotten about me, but he was allowing me to see, okay, this is what happens whenever you disobey my word concerning sex. Okay, and so, um, you know, that right there, I don't wish it on anybody. You know, I have some women that I see now as I counsel them who will share with me, well, this happened and that happened, I keep having dreams. I'm like, this is why you have soul ties, right? I can't remember, um, where I saw it at, but it's a picture of this like woman and inside her body is a whole bunch of like men inside her body. And I'm like, that's exactly what it looks in the spiritual realm for us.
Because I wasn't taught that. I was just taught, you know, protect yourself, you know, wear condoms. I wasn't taught, you know, sex before marriage is a no-no, because just had a different upbringing. So, um, once we, you know, got together, you know, we were still of the world and doing what other world people do. And, um, yeah, like she said, it caught up with us, and, you know, guilt played its part once we knew better. So I would, uh, definitely recommend if y'all are not on the same page spiritually while you're just courting, that may be an issue later as far as if if one person is saved, the other is not, because that person that is not is gonna have fleshly desires. They're always going to be, uh, antagonizing the other person to do— make them do things they, they don't want to do. And that can hinder them because at the end of the day, that person is accountable for themselves. If something was to happen, well, you got to answer for what you've done. So the man is definitely the, the head in that situation, but you— the woman is still accountable for allowing that to happen as well. So you gotta, you gotta, you know, no means no, yes means yes, and just leave it at that. I think it was like, um, like Matthew 5:7, let you ask me yes and let you know me no.
Yeah.
And that's in all things, right? You take a stand on that, you, you walk by that. And, um, I was always respectful of her. If, if no was no, then that's what it was. I never forced, uh, myself, you know. I, I might pout or whatever, you know, have my little lip poked out, but I had to respect that.
Yeah.
So, and, uh, getting over the old relationships before you move into that new relationship, because so many people, they think just because they go to a new relationship is gonna just wipe away everything from your past relationships, and you probably are still broken from that. So you're carrying your broken self into a new relationship, and it's just a hindrance because, yes, the other person can't read your mind, can't read everything. They can tell something's wrong, but you're just like, uh, in a box and you're trapped, and you just need to be able to communicate everything. If the person can't handle it, then they're not for you. If you can't sit there and open up and, and discuss and communicate your issues and what your past relationships have done and want, and they want to build with you to grow and go ahead, then that person isn't for you. You're not going to magically just change them. It's not going to happen. So even through prayer, you need to have an open ear to the spirit to see if this person is for me or not. Because no need to sit here and invest in something that's not going to work. This is not— life is short. Like, the older you get, the faster it goes, because boy, is it flying by, flying by.
Yes.
Yeah, anything you got to say about that?
And as he was saying earlier about, you know, not changing, um, someone, um, marrying somebody is not going to change them. I'm marrying somebody does not seal the deal that they really love me. They don't love me. Okay, so people think marriage or a piece of paper is going to change, magically make everything go away. That is so not true. That is so, so, so, so not true. And as he was saying before, I said I'm a big fan of premarital counseling. I really am, because you gotta think, you have two people, okay? Me, you have him. We both have different, you know, upbringings. We have different backgrounds. We have different— we had different beliefs. We had different, um, ways of even raising kids in the future. So we had those two worlds coming together and we're colliding and trying to become one. They can get real sticky real quick. Okay, um, the honeymoon phase, it can last forever, it can, but try to live by that. But even in the honeymoon phase, there's still trial, there's still test, there's still things that going to come up that you guys are not going to agree on. Okay, and so like he was saying earlier, you also dealing with your stuff, Okay, don't make your significant other or soon-to-be spouse, you know, responsible for your healing. Okay, um, it's your responsibility to take action and take it to the Lord. Okay, and seek counsel if you need to on issues that you see that could be— that could hinder a healthy marriage or a healthy relationship. Um, I see people all the time ask God, you know, like, God, okay, what are some areas that I need to be working on? I promise you, he'll speak if you listen.
Also, um, since it's before I say I do, if you start off and you're taking your spouse or your girlfriend out, y'all having dates, y'all having, you know, movie nights, you're getting her little gifts here and there, don't stop once you say I do. If you're holding doors for, if you're You know, putting the commode lid down and all those little things that you were doing before. After you say I do, continue to do those things. Still take that time, um, tell her she's beautiful, you know, give her back rubs, feet rubs. Whatever you were doing before, continue to do it. It doesn't stop once you— oh, I got her now, you know, hook, line, and sinker. I got her on the, on the on the hook. And, you know, and women, listen, as a man, you, you all dolled up when y'all dating, you know, you're taking time for yourself. Don't start wearing jogging pants and rubber bands in your head looking just however. The same way you came in it, maintain it. We appreciate it.
It should actually get better, actually. My aunt used to always say when you're dating, it's friendships in general, you know, hold out like you started. Meaning, like he just said, be consistent in what you started. Like, you start off, like you said, doing all these things, and then you just stop or kind of like get lax. Yeah, that's a problem. And with— it ain't perfect. Do I, you know, do— am I perfect? No. Is he perfect? No. But striving, oh babe, you know, check me, or I check him, you know, and we talk about it.
Mm-hmm. Um, yeah, yep. So, you know, take your, take your time in getting to know that person. Don't rush to engagement just to get in the drawers, you know. Don't rush to get married to have sex. Yeah, you know, build that foundation. Because if to any good building, the found— it's only as good as the foundation. So any good relationship is only good as that foundation. We were friends, I would say associates. Yeah, we were familiar with each other for several years. Um, I was in a fraternity, she was in a sorority in college. We had our little, you know, we'd run into each other not very often. I always thought she was so pretty, so beautiful. She was always dating, I was always dating. Someone, um, in the world. Yeah, at times even dating people, we'd still run into each other with those girlfriends or boyfriends at the time. But, you know, but, um, it all worked out in the end.
Yeah, it did.
So, um, but we had that even the familiarity. Yeah, yeah, just by knowing each other was already a step ahead of most people. So, but once we actually started like hanging out, it felt like so natural to be together. It did. It's just like, man, it was like meant to be. That's, that's when you know. And once you know, I could be me, he could be him.
There was no like hidden agenda, right? Yeah, a lot of chemistry between each other. Definitely a lot of chemistry.
And then once she invited me to church and we started getting that going. I was like, okay, this is, this is the real deal. For real.
He said the Lord told him I was his wife.
Yes, he did, because that was like 2008. We started hanging out beginning of 2008, so by that fall, that's when we started like going to church together. And then I went off and, uh, to the military, into the Army. And, um, she was like, look, you need to make up your mind on what we doing. And I was like, oh, oh, okay, got it.
Um, yeah, I need to, I need to knock that down because we have been— okay, you guys, we were dating, we didn't have like official title or whatever. And I told you guys in my other video, before I met him, I had watched Bonita buying them no more And I was like, God, the next man I meet has got to be my husband, okay? I can't do dating no more. I'm sick of this. I'm tired of dating or whatever. So, um, so we started talking and I'm like, oh Lord, just— that's my husband, you know? I didn't know for sure, but you know, we was talking and hanging out and like he said, it was so natural. We were together every weekend, okay? Any guy that was in my life at the time, we were friends, I end up like letting them go. Okay, me too.
My guys do.
Yeah, the females for him. And so I was like, what are we doing? Like, this is not Monopoly Brothers, okay? This is not, you know, Warner Brothers, you know. Was it Warner Brothers? So what it is— what is it? Hush. Not Warner Brothers. All right, what up, board games?
We started like hanging out February '08. By April 24th, I was like, nah, we— you my girl. We official, whatever. That was February— or April 24, 2008. Yes, we officially like, okay, this is— so we hung out from then until the point where I left Dernier every day until I left August 3rd, 2008. So, but we really built that foundation of really getting to know each other. Um, pretty much really, really knowing each other, talking about things, really getting to know like a family history.
Yeah, family dynamics.
Yeah, family dynamics. You know, she met my parents. Um, I met her family. So we really wanted to make sure that we were going in going about really knowing each other that way. Um, by December I asked her to be my wife. So it was within a year of us dating. Yeah, everything happened in 2008 and then we got married in 2009 in the summer.
Yeah, well, you know, you know.
Yeah, you know, you know. So just, uh, to wrap it up, just before you say I do, just really take that time, get to to know your, your, uh, other half, soon-to-be other half. Um, work on that communication. You have to communicate because no one's a mind reader. So if you can't, you know, don't rush to get married to have sex. Yeah, you know, build that foundation because it's— to any good building, the found— it's only as good as the foundation. So any good relationship is only good that foundation. We were friends, I would say associates. Yeah, we were familiar with each other for several years. Um, I was in a fraternity, she was in a sorority in college. We had our little, you know, we'd run into each other not very often. I always thought she was so pretty, so beautiful. She was always dating, I was always dating someone.
Um, in the world, in the world.
Yeah, at times even dating people, we'd still run into each other with those girlfriends or boyfriends at the time. But, you know, but, um, it all worked out in the end. Yeah, it did. So, um, but we had that even enough, uh, familiarity. Yeah, yeah, just by knowing each other was already a step ahead of most people, so But once we actually started like hanging out, it felt like so natural to be together. It did. It's just like, man, it was like meant to be. That's, that's when you know. And once you know, that could be me, he could be him.
There was no like hidden agenda, right? Yeah, a lot of chemistry between each other. Definitely a lot of chemistry.
And then once she invited me to church and we started getting that going, I was like, okay, this is This is the real deal.
He said the Lord told him I was his wife.
Yes, he did, because that was like 2008. We started hanging out beginning of 2008, so by that fall, that's when we started like going to church together. And then I went off and, uh, to the military, into the Army, and She was like, look, you need to make up your mind on what we doing. And I was like, oh, oh, okay, got it.
Um, yeah, I need to, I need to knock that down because we have been— okay, you guys, we were dating, we didn't have like an official title or whatever. And I told you guys in my other video, before I met him, I had watched Ronita buying him no more sheets. And I was like, God, the next man I meet has got to be my husband, okay? I can't do dating no more. I'm sick of this. Like, I'm tired of dating or whatever. So, um, so we started talking and I'm like, oh Lord, just— that's my husband, you know? I didn't know for sure, but you know, we was talking and hanging out and like he said, it was so natural. We were together every weekend, okay? Any guy that was in my life at the time, we were friends, I end up like letting them go, okay? Yeah, the females for him. And so I was like, what are we doing? Like, my uncle's Shakeeta Torres, this is not Monopoly Brothers, okay? This is not, you know, Warner Brothers, you know. Was it Warner Brothers? Is that what it is? What is it?
Hush.
Not Warner Brothers. All right, so board games.
We started like hanging out February '08. By April 24th, I was like, nah, we— you my girl, we official, whatever. That was February— or April 24th, 2008. Yes, we officially be like, okay, this is— so we hung out from then until the point where I left during there every day until I left August 3rd, 2008. So, but we really built that foundation of really getting to know each other, um, pretty much really, really knowing each other, talking about things really getting to know like a family history.
Yeah, family dynamics.
Yeah, family dynamics. You know, she met my parents, um, I met her family. So we, we really wanted to make sure that we were going in, going about really knowing each other. That way, um, by December I asked her to be my wife. So it was within a year of us dating. Yeah, everything happened in 2008, and then we got married in 2009 in the summer.
Yeah, when you know, you know.
Yeah, when you know, you know. So just, uh, to wrap it up, just before you say I do, just really take that time, get to know your, your, uh, other half, soon-to-be other half. Work on that communication. You have to communicate because no one's a mind reader. So if you can't communicate and get your point across, that's something you need to work on before you say I do. That's like the biggest takeaway from this video. Communicate, man and woman, especially on where you want to eat.
Oh, I want to eat. Okay, and so you guys, um, Anything she want to add about who we are, who you are? Because today's kind of like a little introduction of, you know, really who we are as one. And before I say I do, there were so many other things that you want to share with you guys about dealing with family, about communication, about intimacy, um, about, you know, allowing God into your relationship, allowing God to be your third strand. I can't tell you how many times that the Lord has guided me or instructed me on how to deal with my husband on certain things. You know, I'm sure the same thing for him as well. So just really share with you guys, um, just tips about marriage because like marriage is— can be very beautiful. Yeah, it's not impossible. And you know, even as newlyweds, we went through a lot. Like, we didn't argue a lot. We're not people who argue. We did more the silent treatments, which still is not good.
Yeah, but I like to be silent. Yeah.
Yes. So, mm-hmm. But there's been time I wanted to say something, the Holy Spirit was like, hold your tongue. Hold my tongue. He would shut my mouth because it's like, Lord, I'm just so upset. Lord, he did this. Lord, he did that. This is how I talk to God. I talk to God like he's like my best friend. I really do. And he's my best friend too, but you know, God's my Father. So, um, God was like, hush, just be quiet. I was like, what? I gotta hush? What? So, but anywho, thank you guys for watching. I hope this, um, video blessed you guys. If you have any questions or comments below, please post them and we'll try our best to get back to you.
Yes, have a wonderful day.
Have a blessed day. Bye.
