Licensed therapist Shakeeta Torres shares how she and her husband built their marriage on faith, honesty, and accepting their differences. She recommends resources like Bonita Bynum's "No More Sheets" and stresses that marriage requires continual work, professional help when needed, and both partners submitting to God's design.
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Hello, my name is Shakeeta Torres and welcome back to my YouTube channel. So I want to go ahead and hop right in because I have a lot to say today. So I want to really drop some marriage nuggets on you guys today. As I was driving in to work this morning, I was thinking, I said, you know, I really want to do a YouTube video today. And what filled my heart was to discuss marriage, some marital nuggets for you guys. As you know, I'm a licensed therapist and I address so many different issues that people, people have, and it's a blessing. It gives me so much joy because I'm able to help people overcome a lot of things that they have faced in their life. So anywho, I want to really talk to you guys about what marriage is and what marriage is not. So I see a lot of women for the most part, and I do counsel our men as well, but I have so many younger clients who are like in their 20s, like 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, and they are like so— not all of them by far, but some of them are so desperate to get married and find the one per se. And it's to the point where they are depressed about it and they're consumed by it and they are like have it like on a checklist, okay. Marriage should not be like a checklist, because when you do that, it's like you idolizing marriage and like you're idolizing something when you should be working on yourself, literally. So, but anyway, marriage is not a savior. Marriage is not, um, meant to just make all your problems go away. It does not work like that. When you get married to someone, that is an act of selflessness. It is not about you anymore. It's about two people coming together to operate as one. And operating as one, it takes time, it takes work, it takes honesty, it takes vulnerability, it takes so much. So, you know, I urge you, if you decide to get married, to really sit down with yourself and seek the Lord and people who, you know, that you know can be honest with you about some of the things that they see you need to work on. Because whatever you have going on with you I promise you, you're going to carry over into your relationship, into your marriage. So like, as I was, as I was saying earlier, marriage is not your be-all fix-all. What marriage is, marriage is ministry. You know, I'm a believer, and you know, I spend a lot of time, you know, reading my word. Now I'm not saying I'm in my Bible 24/7, that's not what I'm saying, but over the years, over the past 10, 12 years, and I've been consistently, you know, allowing God to teach me, allowing Holy Spirit to train me on really how to be a wife. And he has, um, really placed people in my life along the way to help me, who has wisdom, who has experience, who, you know, can help me to see things from a different perspective when it comes to a relationship, when it comes to marriage. And God himself has dealt with me about Shakeeta Torres, about things that I need to work on individually and as a spouse. Okay, um, so I want to share with you guys a little bit about my testimony, okay, to give you something to kind of relate to, something that, that hopefully will, you know, touch your heart and allow you to have more insight into what marriage, um, what marriage is. So I remember, um, I would say about I'm 22, 23 years old. And, um, I, in my mind, in my mind, I'm living my best life. I had just finished, you know, um, undergrad, you know, thinking about going to grad school. Um, I had a roommate, you know, I was dating, but I wasn't getting anywhere. Like, I had one failed relationship after another, you know, and I knew these guys that I was dating were not for me. I knew that. And so I had reached a point where I was just tired. I was tired of dating. I was tired of, you know, just life. So my mind, I had said, you know what, I'm just gonna be single till I'm about 30. I'm not getting married till I'm about 30, 35 years old. Um, I don't want— honestly, I didn't even desire to have children or any of that. And so, um, my husband now, at the time, um, I was single and he was single. And, um, I would see him from time to time because we were both at the same school. We both went to the same college. And so when I would see him in public He would always like, he would always compliment me. He would always, you know, say nice things to me. And, um, he was really funny. He was like, you know, when we gonna get married? I'm like, we get married tomorrow if you want to. So we had that kind of relationship, kind of like hit and miss. I see you in passing, you know, you see me in passing. And we both were dating other people, you know, along the way. And so I've known him for like 3 years prior to us actually dating each other, right? That's amazing, right, how my husband was like right under my nose. And I didn't even know it. He didn't know it either. Well, he might have knew something, but, but anywho, so, um, I remember my car was, um, was in the shop and I needed a ride back from my car from the dealership back to my apartment. So I said, God, who can I ask to, you know, pick me up and take me back home? And it's amazing because, you guys, then that time I knew who the Lord was, but I was not actively walking in, you know, my beliefs. I was doing what I wanted to do with my life. And so I would always talk to him anyway. It's amazing, I think about that. So, um, he came to my mind and I was like, oh. So I called him, I said, hey. I was like, I need a ride back. He said, sure, I don't mind. So he picks me up and, uh, he wanna go out to eat. I'm like, sure. So you want to eat? Um, we ate together and it was nice. And, you know, took me back to my apartment. He was a complete gentleman. Oh my God, he was such a gentleman. And, um took him back to my apartment. We said our farewells, he left, and then he asked me out to go out to eat again. And I was like, phew, yeah, I'm gonna get this free meal. So I went with him out to eat again, and then it kind of came like, you know, continuous. Like, he would ask me, you know, and I was like, him to come over and hang out. And I'm like, wow, like, this is kind of getting a little routine-ish. And I was not looking to have a boyfriend. I want to be by myself. I wanted to be single. And so, um, you know, eventually we started hanging out a lot, like every weekend. And I remember, you know, we did kiss and all that good stuff. And, um, do you feel that? And I was like— and I felt it, but I was in denial. I was like, uh, yeah, like, you know, I felt the energy, I felt the connection. And we literally like connected instantly in the spirit, okay? And at the time, I didn't quite understand like I do now what that was, but he was my husband. I just didn't— just didn't know it at the time. And, um, you know, we'll go out still, you know. And then finally, I finally— I had texted him. I say, listen, I'm like, what are we doing? Because, you know, I don't want us to continue to be this close and hang out so much and we don't— we're not even girlfriend and boyfriend. We're not even like making it official, because at this point I wasn't talking to anybody else, I wasn't seeing anybody else. He had all my time and all my energy and all my everything. So, um, I said, you know, either we're gonna make it official or let's just move on. He's like, no, no, we're not moving on, but give me a chance, time to think about it. I kind of gave him like an ultimatum because, you know, one of my, my aunt, who's also my spiritual mom, you know, had been mentoring me for a couple of years prior to me meeting my husband. And one thing that she had taught me was, Shakeeta, you know, you're worth the wait and you're worth the chase, you know. And don't allow, you know, any man to just like, you know, use you or make you, you know, convenience for him to make him feel good or whatever. And so that stuck with me. She's very hilarious, by the way. She would say things like, this is not Monopoly, brothers. This is not— this ain't no game. And so, you know, I, I held on to that. And so he called me the next day, was like, no, let's just make this official. And I was like, are you sure? It's no pressure, it's just that I don't want to waste my time anymore. I'm in a place in my life where the next— I had already asked God once again, you know, asking the Lord for stuff and not really living my best life for him. And I said, God, the next man I meet has got to be my husband. I'm tired, Lord. I'm not— I'm not the woman that like to go from man to man to man. That's not— I never been that way. I've dated, but I'm like a one woman, you know, man. I'm a one woman man. Um, and so, um, prior to that, I had also watched No More Sheets by Bonita Bynum. That's an awesome video, you guys. You got to go back and look at, um, the women who are ready to like just let God just choose your mate and let God just, you know, decompress you and cleanse you and all the other good stuff. I watched that and I watched that, I was like, I'm done, I'm done, Lord. Next man I meet, he has to be my husband. And so we, we dated for months, for months. And in the process of that, you know, um, I had met a woman of God at my job, but she asked me to come to church with her. And you know, I hadn't really been to church, you guys, in probably about 2 years. And let me tell you why. Um, I was the kind of person that, you know, I'm not going to play with God. Either I'm going to be saved and I'm gonna give my life to him, or I'm gonna be out in the world and do what I want to do. And honestly, that's the best way to be because the word of God says you can't be hot, you can't be cold, you can't serve two gods. You have to choose one or the other. And so I was in the world, and honestly, when I would go to church, I would feel, um, so convicted, and I would feel the presence of God trying to pull me in. But in my mind, I'm thinking of everything that I would lose if I was to give my life fully to him. But that is so not true, you guys. I've gained so much from giving my life to the Lord, okay? So anywho, um, so we were dating and then he came, um, to church with me one Sunday and I gave my life to the Lord. Like, I— it's like the Lord really just like snatched me up, I feel like, and was like, I have purpose for you, I've called you, you belong to me, you know. And I can just hear him talking to me and, uh, it was so beautiful, guys. It was, it was like life-changing. And my husband at the time was like, you know, go ahead, you do. Not my husband, like, it was boyfriend and girlfriend. And so I would say maybe about a month later, and I didn't pressure him, about a month later he decided to give his life to Christ too. So we literally both gave our life to Christ right before we got married, you guys. Like, you can't tell me that's not the Lord, okay? Um, once again, I wasn't looking. To get married. I wasn't looking for a relationship, you know. I was trying to live my best life, so I thought. And so, uh, anywho, um, December— let me see, he proposed like December 2008, and we got married that summer, um, July 20, um, 2009. Um, July 18th, our anniversary, be 10 years for us this summer. You guys, we have been through a lot. We have overcome so much. Um, and so I just want to share that story with you guys about, you know, how we met. You know, hopefully you can, you know, learn something from it. Um, but I learned so much from trying to plan my own life instead of taking it to the Lord. And me and my husband has both grown exponentially. I mean, I'm not the same woman I was 10 years ago. He's not the same man that he was 10 years ago. We have grown so much, and I really owe it all to the Lord, and I owe it to the people who God placed in our lives. They help, you know, sow nuggets. And, uh, honestly, um, my mom, um, was a single mother of 4. I'm the oldest of 4, and we all had different fathers, and my mom never got married. So to me, marriage was like not really in my, in my like sight because I didn't think that having a healthy marriage could be possible. And my husband, you know, his parents are still alive and they're both remarried. And, um, his mom's a believer now and his stepdad, and I thank God for that. Um, and this is my— his mom's second marriage, and his dad is going through a divorce, um, right now. Actually, he's like Shakeeta Torres. So I love— and I love them very much. I'm not bashing them at all whatsoever, um, because God has really blessed them and grown them both. Um, so with that being said, we really didn't have a role model of what marriage should be. We saw what marriage should not be a lot growing up. And so I'm a living witness that you can come from brokenness, you can come from a home environment where it's not healthy, and you You can get married and have a healthy marriage if you allow the Lord to be that third strand in your marriage and for him to be head over you guys's life. And will things be perfect? Will you have challenges? Yes, you'll have challenges, and no, things will not be perfect. Okay, that's what I say. When you get married, you bring, you bring two worlds together. Me and my husband are total opposites. You know, I'm an extrovert, I'm a talker, you know, I love people, I love— I'm very energetic. My husband is an introvert, and, um, he is very low-key. Um, he, uh, loves people, but he has zero tolerance for drama. And I do too, but I have a lot of patience for people. He's like, I don't have time for this. He's very logical. I'm more so like, oh my God, let's do it, you know. But in the beginning, I used to be like, well, God, why he— I don't understand. Like, he needs to be more like me. No, he does not. No, we're opposites for a reason. You know, the areas that I fall short in, he's stronger in, and he helps balance me. Um, the areas where he's weaker in, you know, I give him insight into it, and it balances him. So I totally embrace who my husband is. I'm not trying to change him. I went through a period where, you know, I was passive about it, but I was trying to like change him in some ways. And the Lord really dealt with me and said, no, he is who I created him to be, and I need for you to get in line because your husband is the head over you. He's your head, he's your covering. And God was literally training him how to be a husband to me and training me how to be a, you know, wife to him. And that came with time, that came with challenges, that came with being honest and being vulnerable. So you guys, getting married is not something you do just because it's not a checklist. It's work. Marriage is work. And marriage is, um, beautiful, but you have to work at it. Me and my husband, you know, we still work on stuff. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect, but we came such a long way. And I'm so grateful. I, I'm so grateful for God, and I'm so grateful that God put us together because we, um, are so different. But, but anywho, I can go on and on about that, but I really wanted to share that testimony with you, um, really quickly. I know it wasn't quick, but hopefully it blessed someone. Um, so what I wanted to say also is that pray. Number one, pray for each other. Pray for your spouse, um, because I know for a fact, I see it, and I also see it in my work that I do, is that first of all, being a man is not easy. I have such a special heart and my place for men, and you know, I respect men, especially they respect me, and especially if they love the Lord for sure. But in general, like, I have a special place in my heart for men because being a man is not easy. Like, A man who really wants to do good and really wants to do things the right way, it's a struggle because number one, you're trying to figure out who you are. Men are trying to figure out, you know, where their place is in the world, you know, deal with past stuff of like depression or anxiety, if they had trauma in their lives, trying to be a husband, trying to be a father, trying to be a covering, trying to take care of bills financially and do all these things. And I like, I urge women like Don't put no more on your husband than you have to because he's already full. His plate is already full. Um, I love, um, Dr. Miles Monroe. He is a minister. He passed away a few years ago, but he has some awesome, awesome, awesome videos on YouTube about marriage and men and women and how we're different and things like that. And so the word of God, what the word of God says for a husband. For a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church, that is so beautiful. That is so beautiful. And to lay down your life for your wife, that is so beautiful. So that's a huge responsibility. That's a lot, okay? But God will show them how to do that. Trust me, he will. For women, you know what it say about women? It tells us to honor our husbands and Respect our husbands. That goes such a long way. And how do you do that? You know, don't be nagging your husband. Don't be beating him down with your words. Don't talk about him to your friends and your family. You know, if you need to vent about something, you know, talk to the Lord and ask him to send you a friend that's safe, that's going to be honest with you about your stuff, that's going to be honest with you about what you should do and have wisdom and, you know, and knowledge. Remember when I first got married and my aunt told me, Shakeeta Torres, do not nag your husband. And the Bible says that. It says, it says don't nag your husband. I can't remember, um, the scripture right now, but I will look that up and I will put it at the bottom of this YouTube video. Um, and that's so true. So my husband tell me all the time, he said, I'm at work, cuz he works, um, he works on base, and he's like, babe, I thank God that you're not a nagging wife. He said, because so many men that I work with talk about their wives all the time and how they nag them and, you know, tell them what they should do and what they shouldn't do. Women, you are not their mama. You are not their mother. And, um, and I had an idea honestly of how my husband should live his life as a Christian. Yep, yep. Um, and God dealt with me about that too. We are different. We— everybody serves God and reveres the Lord and praises and worships him in different ways. And I had to realize that what I do, what it takes for me to make me feel connected to God, isn't the same for him. Okay, and that's okay. And I had to learn how to like let him do what he do because I can tell I look him back, I might probably feel like, gosh, you're getting on my nerves about that. Like, did you read your word today? Did you do this? You do that? No, I can't, I can't do that. And one day I was redoing communion, and I think it's in 1 Corinthians chapter 11, starting at verse like 17 somewhere, and um I was doing it, communion, and the Lord told me to keep reading. I was like, wait, okay. So I went to the next chapter, and the next chapter was talking about how a woman should, you know, honor her husband and how a husband should honor her wife— honor their wife. And it's, it was very meaty. And in a nutshell, he was saying you need to submit, fully submit to your husband. And when I say that is, my husband is not controlling. At all whatsoever. But what I'm saying is, as a wife, you know, in order for your husband to lead the way God designed him to be, you can't make every decision. You can't sit here and try to dictate how things should go all the time. You have to allow him the space to grow, the space to make mistakes, the space to, you know, seek the Lord himself about things for your family. That's controlling, that's manipulation. And I was doing that and not realizing I was doing that. So, um, with that being said, I had to step back. And have my husband made mistakes when it came to things within our household? Yes, he has. But guess what? At the end of the day, God had— has us. And he has shown me that time and time again. He said, if you submit to your husband, your husband submits to me. Anything that goes on, decision he make concerning you, concerning your household, concerning all of that, he said, I'll make it right, I'll make it right, I'll bless it anyway, because there's unity, there's order, there's submission and all that. So I urge you to go and read that. I'll place that as well, um, under this YouTube video as well. Let me write that down so I won't forget. Sorry, because I'm really just, um, really flowing in this. I just ask the Lord today just to me flow from my heart and to be transparent and to be honest with you guys about marriage. And so, um, with that being said as well, I do recommend these two books that are so amazing, that bless me as well. It's called 31 Prayers for Your Husband and 31 Prayers for Your Wife. And it's like a devotional that you can do every day or every other day, um, about your spouse. And it's so beautiful because you can pray for your spouse. But sometimes, you know, we don't know, we don't always know what to pray for specifically. And these are very specific prayers that you can, um, pray, um, for, for your spouse. Okay, um, so I'll post that at the bottom too. And, uh, they have one too called 31 Prayers for Your Daughter and one for your son. And also have one for 31 Prayers for My Future Husband and then one for My Future Wife. And so, um, you guys, we have no excuse not to be equipped to do, um, what God has called us to do as wives, as husbands, you know, all that good stuff. Um, also, I'm going back to what I said in the very beginning. Um, if you're seeking to get married or you are married already, you know, you have stuff going on with you, like, I urge you to seek help, seek professional help if you can afford it, you know. Um, if you can't, you know, I I pray that you just pray and ask the Lord to send someone who can really impart into you and to help you to like heal and to get past some things, because it will hinder your marriage. Your spouse cannot be responsible for your healing. Your spouse cannot be responsible for making sure that you do, um, certain things. Like, and that's what I love about my husband, our relationship. He allows me to grow, I allow him to grow. I don't make him responsible for my life, my whole entire life, because that's a burden, that's exhausting. I have some clients now that I have as women, I'm like, you know, and one of them, um, actually met her soulmate, and I think he kind of told her, he was like, I want to marry you, but it's just, you know, right now it's not a good time because you got a lot to work on. And I said, he's right. I said, because you're going to burden him, you're going to exhaust him. I said, you're going to actually bring him kind of down until you deal with your stuff. And so right now we actually working on her stuff. And is it hard for her? Yes, it is. She's being very resistant. But guess what? I'm still going to be here for her. I'm still going to be here for her and walk— help walk her through that process. And so, you guys, you can have a healthy, beautiful marriage. Oh my gosh, like, you can be so in tune with your spouse that you can know what they're feeling, you can know what's burdening them. You seek the Lord. It's been so many times for both of us where I can just feel my husband's spirit. Now I can be at work and I'm like, my husband, what's wrong with him today? You know, I said, baby, you okay? He'll let me know. Wow, no. When he was overseas, you know, I can sense his spirit, he can sense mine. And so whenever I feel extremely burdened, especially when he was gone, he would call me, he said, babe, What is wrong? Like, I can just feel you. I'll just start crying. I'm like, I'm overwhelmed and I'm tired and I'm doing the best I can and I need help. And oh my gosh, marriage is so beautiful, you guys. God has created marriage to be one, you guys. Marriage is one. It's one. It's a constant walk, but you can find so much joy and restoration, um, in it. And so, um, Once again, like I said before, marriage is a huge topic. There's so many things to talk about, from how to deal with family members, you know, within your marriage, how to, you know, get past infidelity. Because you can get past infidelity, you can. Um, is it wrong? Um, yes it is. And, um, the word of God actually, you know, says that if someone come cheeks in a relationship, they get— that's grounds for divorce. But I have met people deal with infidelity and they're not ready to give it up, you know. So I'm like, you can— you guys can get past this. So we kind of really dig into the root of why'd you cheat in the first place, why did you choose to go the other route. And it's really interesting because the reason they have been cheating is like stuff from the past or stuff in their marriage that they're not, you know, their needs are not being met and they're not vocalizing that to their spouse, or their spouse is not really open to hearing the criticism of the things that they could work on to make their marriage better. So once again, you guys, marriage is a big, big, big broad subject, but it's worth it. It's worth it. It's so worth it. And so, um, if you made it to the end, you know, um, before I got on my, um, on the video, I actually just prayed for, um, all marriages across the world, for men, for women, um, for those of you who desire marriage or dating and all that good stuff. Um, so I think it's all I have for today. I really do. This is a very, uh, carefree video. It's not, um, structured the way I would like for it to be, but it's okay. It is okay. Um, so I see you guys next time. I hope you have a great and wonderful and blessed weekend. See you next time. Bye.
