In this episode of the Christian mental‑health podcast Pain, Passion, and Purpose, host Shakeeta Torres introduces listeners to attachment theory and its relevance for personal relationships, ministry, and grief. The discussion begins with a brief sponsor message before Speaker B explains the origins of attachment theory (John Bowlby) and how early caregiver interactions shape unconscious relational patterns that persist into adulthood. Four attachment styles are described in detail: Anxious‑Preoccupied (high need for reassurance, clinginess, low self‑esteem), Dismissive‑Avoidant (self‑sufficiency, emotional distance, protective boundaries), Fearful‑Avoidant (conflicted desire for intimacy, emotional suppression, volatile outbursts), and Secure (balanced self‑awareness, reliance on God and the Holy Spirit). The host emphasizes that styles are not fixed boxes, that many people exhibit mixed traits, and that recognizing one’s style is the first step toward healing. Real‑world implications are explored, including how attachment influences romantic and friendship dynamics, pastoral leadership, and the grieving process. Practical resources are offered: a free attachment style quiz at attachmentproject.com, reflective questions to identify personal patterns, and encouragement to integrate this knowledge into counseling, coaching, and Christian ministry. The episode concludes with a personal testimony of moving toward a secure attachment through counseling, faith, and vulnerability, followed by a closing prayer and call to subscribe and support the ministry.
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Welcome to Pain, Passion, and Purpose. I am your host, Shakeeta Torres, where I share mental health education, biblical teachings, and tips to help you to heal on purpose so you can walk boldly in your God-given purpose. This podcast is sponsored by Empowered Purpose Academy, a certified online Christian academy where where we provide services such as certification for Christian life coaches, mentorship for master's level aspiring and existing Christian therapists, mentorship for Christians, and continued education courses for the body of Christ. You can visit www.empoweredpurposeacademy.com to learn more and to download your free guide. If you like today's episode, Please subscribe and leave us a raving review so that others can tap into the knowledge and wisdom that will be shared on this podcast.
Thank you so much for being here. Hey, you guys, welcome back to a new episode. So today we're going to talk about attachment disorder. I am so excited about really explaining this to you guys a little bit more in detail because This thing is real, okay? I have used this assessment with so many of my clients to help them to understand and see what their attachment style is, and it really does open up conversation and it opens up a space for my clients to be able to really process, um, some of their traumas, some of their fears, some of the things they struggled with in childhood, and it gives them the language to understand that they're not crazy. It gives them the language to understand that what they are experiencing is normal and really is not their fault. So let's go into attachment disorder and what it is. So it was created by John Bowlby. He is a psychoanalyst who studied how children reacted to their parents or caregivers if they did not receive the proper affection, comfort, and their caregiver wasn't actually consistent with those things and how they respond, even going into adulthood. And we all have different attachment styles. And also, you know, when it comes to trauma, this should definitely be explored because whenever we experience trauma, it does affect the way we communicate with those in relationship with us. Okay, so attachment is an emotional bond that forms in early childhood when we are 10 to 20 months old based on our parents' behavior. So unconscious patterns become set in place by the time we are 2 years old. Our attachment style is at the core of how we form adult relationships, whether they are friendships or romantic. Okay, listen, you guys, I love this topic right here. Listen, I can probably do a series on this because I even— this, you know, discussing this right now on this episode is really open. I'm thinking about, you know, even within church, within ministry, how, you know, you can be a leader or a pastor and you're dealing with so many different people with so many different personalities and so many different ways they communicate, how they respond to you, and it could all be based off of their attachment style. So we can incorporate this, you know, part of mental health into ministry, into church. Oh my gosh, like, this will open up so much for people. But of course, you need to be trained in this, okay? I'll talk about this a little bit also in my Grief and Faith e-course, about how your attachment style can literally affect the way you also grieve, okay? So true, so real. I have a few clients I have now in the past and now who have been grieving, and we did this and it really showed them and allowed them to see why they grieve the way they grieve. So let's get into the details. There are 4 different attachment styles that have been created, okay? So the first one is Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style. So this particular personality style would be that you might have an increased need to feel wanted. You might spend a lot of time thinking about your relationships. Um, you have a tendency to experience jealousy or idolize romantic partners. You require frequent reassurance from those close to you that they, that, that they care about you. And if your need for reassurance isn't met, you might start doubting how your loved one feels about you. So if you're in a romantic relationship, you might frequently believe that your partner is upset with you and wants to leave you. And so that causes you to be like very clingy. Um, that person could have like low self-esteem, um, could feel like, you know, they don't understand their worth or their value or even have boundaries because they This type of person may do whatever it takes in order to receive affection, in order to receive love from somebody, okay? The next one is dismissive avoidant attachment, okay? They prefer to be on their own. They feel like close relationships aren't worth the trouble. They worry that forming close bonds with others will make you less independent. These behaviors can make it hard for others to support you or feel close to you. Moreover, moreover, if someone does put in extra effort to draw you out of your shell, you may react by closing yourself off. So keep in mind that these behaviors don't stem from not caring about others. Instead, it stems from a place of trying to protect yourself and having a sense of Self-sufficiency. So this person has very tight boundaries. Um, this person could be— appear to be an introvert when really it's like a coping mechanism to protect themselves from being hurt and being disappointed by people. So to protect yourself from being hurt by others, you're more standoffish. You don't show emotion. You don't allow people to even get close in your space and even give you— give them a chance to get to know you. Oh, this is good, y'all. This is good. Okay, the next one, the third one, is the fearful avoidant attachment style. So if you have this type of attachment style, you might have conflicting relation— conflicting feelings about relationships and intimacy. You want to develop a romantic relationship but worry that your partner will hurt you, leave you, or both. You push aside your feelings and emotions to try to avoid experiencing them. You feel you aren't good enough for the kind of relationship that you, that you like to have. While you might also be able to suppress your emotions for a period of time, they tend to come out in short bursts. This can be very overwhelming and can create a pattern of a lot of highs and lows in relationships with other people. Now, I listen, I had clients right now, you know, in the past and now, who you know, are pretty secure in who they are. And they could be in friendships where one day they friend acting like everything is all good, and then the next day they just having like the little temper tantrums. And this is because like they're so fearful of losing their friend or losing their friendship, and they hold their emotions in instead of expressing how they feel because they don't want to lose that person. But in the end, they end up pushing them away because they're having these like outbursts, okay? And this definitely happens whenever you, you date somebody. If you a person who struggles with this, being fearful avoidant, you can be, um, dating somebody and you will tolerate everything. You will tolerate everything that person is doing, but on the inside you're hurt, on the inside you're crumbling, you're doing all you can to hold it in, but it's like you'll have either an outburst or you're afraid to speak up because you're fearful the person is going to leave you. And guess what? They might, because depending on the type of person that you're dating, they might not be able to receive how you feel or be able to tolerate you setting boundaries. And so just imagine having these types of attachment styles in relationship with each other. It's very interesting, very interesting. And so of course these categories does not, you know, no one fits in one particular box. It's very possible to have some traits of one and some traits of another one, but the important thing is recognizing it, recognizing it, and willing, and then be willing to work on it. It's one thing to realize that you might struggle with some of these things, but to actually work on it is a whole nother ball game. And it takes a level of transparency and vulnerability to say, hey, you know, this is me. And when I took this test for myself many years ago, I can definitely see myself in some of these. And over the years, as God healed me and I did my work and I went to counseling and I sought wise counsel and all that good stuff, now I'm secure in who I am. And when I say secure, secure doesn't mean perfect. Secure just means that, okay, I know I have flaws. I know that, you know, I'm wonderfully and fearfully made. You know, I can rely on Holy Spirit. I can rely on God. That's what secure means to me. Now, your definition of secure might be different than mine's, okay? Um, I'm talking about emotionally, not financially and all that good stuff, but emotionally and mentally. All right, so the other one is secure attachment style. This means, like I just said, you know, you know who you are. It's a healthy balance. Your caregiver, you know, was probably there for you, but they might not have been there for you. But over time, you've taken that time to heal, to process your trauma, to heal on purpose so that you can have a secure attachment style with people. I encourage you to go to this website, which is called attachmentproject.com, and they have a free quiz that you can take that you can go out there and see, you know, what your attachment style could possibly be. All right, and just study that thing, work on it, you know. And so, um, some of the questions that you need to ask yourself, you know, to even right now is, you know, are you tired of struggling with, with or ruining relationships after relationship, whether it's a friendship or someone you're dating? Um, are you embarrassed, embarrassed about being too clingy? Are you desperate for love and attention? Are you fed up with feeling anxiety over whether your partner loves you or not? These are some of the questions that, you know, it asks you to help you to think about your own, your own patterns. All right, so this is all for today on this particular episode. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Go read up on it and have a great day.
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