Season 1 (Episode 22): How to Set Boundaries: God's Way

Welcome to Pain, Passion, and Purpose. I am your host, Shakeeta Torres, where I share mental health education, biblical teachings, and tips to help you to heal on purpose so you can walk boldly in your God-given purpose. This podcast is sponsored by Empowered Purpose Academy, a certified online Christian academy where where we provide services such as certification for Christian life coaches, mentorship for master's level aspiring and existing Christian therapists, mentorship for Christians, and continued education courses for the body of Christ. You can visit www.empoweredpurposeacademy.com to learn more and to download your free guide. If you like today's episode, please subscribe and leave us a raving review so that others can tap into the knowledge and wisdom that will be shared on this podcast. Thank you so much for being here.

Hey you guys, welcome back to my podcast. Thank you so much for being here. And so today's episode is actually going to be, um, cut up into just two parts. This is a very short episode, like what, 15 minutes long, but it's very meaty, okay? Um, in part 1, I'm going to discuss boundaries and friendships, and it'll be like a little, um, musical little outro about 10 seconds long. And then in part 2, I'm going to talk about boundaries and parenting. So before I start, I want to tell you guys a little bit more about why I'm doing this segment, okay? This is an area that I— that most of my clients struggle with for so many reasons. It could be because they're trying to people please. It could be because They lack strategy and confidence to set boundaries with people. They don't want to feel rejected. They don't want to feel isolated and not have friendships. It's so many reasons why we have a hard time setting boundaries. And in this episode, you're going to hear about, um, things that I've also been through myself, and I'm going to share a lot of tips, um, through scripture and through experience, um, of how to really deal with setting boundaries God's way. So get out a pen, get some paper if you are interested in that, and take notes. Also, I have a guide called 10 Ways on How to Set Boundaries God's Way. So the link will be in the, um, in the description box. And then also I have an e-course that will be offered to you once you download the free, um, the free guide is free, and then, um, the course is not free But you will go into that link and it's going to tell you more about the course, the program, and what I want to offer you guys. So check it out when you get done hearing this podcast episode, or actually go to it now if you want to. It's totally up to you. But again, thank you so much for listening, and I truly hope that this episode blesses you. These are segments that I pulled from my YouTube channel, but it's still so relevant today. God is so strategic. I actually recorded these episodes in 2018. Because God asked me to for my YouTube channel. And Lord, here I am again, um, doing a podcast on it and a whole e-course on it. God is good, y'all. He's so strategic. Like, I'm just like blown away, and I'm just so excited about what God is doing in this season through, um, my business, um, through my ministry, and what God wants me to do for his people. So check it out. Thanks again. Talk to you soon.

Um, today I'm going to discuss, um, boundaries and relationships. Relationships. Um, relationships are very important. I hear people say things like, I don't need friends, I don't want friendships. A lot of times because that, you know, we've been hurt, we've been hurt by people, so therefore we shut down and push people away. I'm guilty of that too myself in the past, of pushing people away because I'm hurt. But, um, as I grew and I matured and I began to read the word of God about relationships and friendships You know, I had to learn how to set boundaries with people. Now, I'm not saying that you will never ever get hurt, no one's never going to disappoint— um, disappoint you, but you can have boundaries that are healthy to assure that you continue to have a friendship with someone that's healthy, and it's a two-way street. Okay, um, so let me say this first. As far as friendships, there are going to be times when you have to be there for someone, whether they're grieving or going going through a hard time, it's a season for everything. Um, and during that time, you know, the Lord might put it on your heart, or you may feel led to be there for them during that time, and it won't feel like it's a burden. If anything, it will feel— it will be a joy for you. But if you get to a point where you feeling burned out, you feel like this friendship is toxic and this friendship is costing you so much of your time and energy, you might want to rethink the boundaries in that relationship. Um, my aunt will always tell me, uh, Shakeeta Torres, start out how you want to hold out. Meaning that as you encounter new people, you set the tone for the relationship. I'm not saying that it won't never change, that it can't grow, but if you a person who's always giving, giving, giving, giving in a relationship, people know that. And so they're going to gravitate to that, whether they mean to or not, in order to get their needs met. Now when I think about friendship, scripture comes to my mind, Proverbs 27:17, and it says that iron sharpens iron and one man sharpens another. I love that scripture because it lets me know that a friendship that I have is supposed to be a two-way street. I sharpen them and they sharpen me. That's a true friendship. And also there are different levels of friendships. Yeah, people who are very, very close to you who probably know so much about you, who's walked with you through some dark times, some up times. You have people who, or you see in passing or talk to every once in a blue moon. You guys are still friends, it's just that they're not supposed to be so, so close to you. Um, one thing that I realized about people in general that I provide therapy for is that they are enablers. They have a hard time saying no to people. Um, they have a hard time, um, setting boundaries because they feel like in order to be considered a good friend, I'm supposed to always be there for them no matter what. And that is so unrealistic because what happens is that one time you're not there for that person, they're gonna be so upset with you. I've been there. I have been there where I've been friends with someone before and whenever they call, I was there. Whatever they needed, I was there. I was always a listening ear. Even whenever I didn't feel like it. Now, there are going to be times when they may happen with your friend, but all the time to the point where it's costing you to feel stressed and to feel burdened and to start to dread talking to them, but you keep doing it out of obligation. Um, that's kind of how an enabler starts off, and then it becomes like a cycle. Now, I would definitely recommend if you have a friendship in your life right now and you feel the way that I'm telling you right now as far as feeling burnt out, exhausted. They always need something. And not only that, you continue to give them advice and they don't take heed to it, and they're in a cycle. Okay, it comes a point where you have to say, you know what, I told you what I wanted to say. I know I'm here as a listening ear, but I don't have anything else to— anything else to give you.

Um, be honest with your friend.

Let them know, hey, I love you, but this is too much. And of course you're gonna hear, "Well, I was there for you," and "I've always been there for you," and "What am I gonna do without you?" Um, that's dangerous because you become their idol. The Lord lets me know sometimes whenever I am superseding my boundaries with people and friendships. He'll let me know, "You're doing too much." Like, you're starting to become, you know, their God, or, or you're starting to, um, they're starting to be dependent on you. So I have to pull back, and it's hard. It's so hard when you care about people and you want to see them, see them strive and see them grow and be the best that they can possibly be. But we can't be all things to all people. We just can't. Um, so, um, boundaries and friendships are very important. And if you are a person who is very dependent on someone, you might want to reevaluate your coping skills. Skills. Um, seek counselor, seek counseling. Counseling is becoming more and more popular now. Setting boundaries in friendships and relationships is so important.

Hey, hey, hey!

I hope you are enjoying this episode so far. Don't forget to subscribe and leave us a raving review.

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So today I'm going to discuss boundaries and parenting. I love this topic because, um, it really is going to bring more clarity to you and hopefully give you some more insight and clarification on how to handle, um, parenting and boundaries related to how parents treat their children, how children should treat their parents. Okay, so first off, the number one thing I always hear from people is, but that's my mom and that's my dad, and I have to pretty much cater to them or just take it or accept the fact that they're being abused possibly. Now I'm not talking about parents who are healthy parents and they make mistakes and they may fall short. I'm talking about parents who deliberately abuse their children, who deliberately make their children feel less than or beneath them. So I'm actually going to go back and I'm going to read from— I'll read to you, um, the word and what it says about parenting, to honor your mother and their father. So it actually comes— the scripture actually comes from Ephesians chapter 6, verse 1, and I'll read it to you. And it says, children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may go well with you and you may enjoy long life on the earth. Wow, that's an awesome promise. It says pretty much just saying that if you honor your mother and your father, then you're promised to have a long life. And, um, that's your first commandment with a promise. But then it goes on to read in verse, um, 4, it says Fathers, do not exasperate your children.

Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

And when I was going back and I was studying this scripture even more in detail, um, verse 4, it says, Fathers, do not exasperate your children. Now, many of you may go over that and skip that word, but that word holds so much power and so much clarity. So I actually went back and I researched the word exasperate, and that means to make someone very annoyed, um, violence, frustrate, roughen, provoke, repeatedly provoking someone while whining and yelling at them and vexing them. So pretty much it's saying that verbal abuse, whether it's verbal, emotional, mental, physical, So there's an instruction here for children but also for parents as well, you know. So I hope that helps someone out, um, children who feel like they can't, um, set boundaries with their family. And so I hope you take that and you read it and you look more in detail and apply it to your life and pray and ask God to show you how to go about setting boundaries with your family to protect yourself, because it's spiritual abuse, it's mental abuse, and you don't deserve that. You don't have to go through that. Now, on the flip side of that, it's not saying that because your parents, you know, do these things to you that you should sit here and, you know, be mean to them or talk about them or run their name in the street. You can still honor your parents without actually taking the abuse.

You can honor them by praying for them.

You can honor them by, you know, setting boundaries to protect you from being— from breaking that, from breaking that, that scripture in the Bible. Um, Proverbs 20:20: Don't cause or disrespect your parents. Don't do it for—

don't do it tit for tat.

I actually add that in. So if you go back and read Proverbs 20:20, it'll tell you to not disrespect your parents. So I hope that helps someone out. Also, parents, when it comes to parenting your children, for so many different reasons, parents have a hard time disciplining their children. One, it could be because when they were younger, they might have had their parents discipline them in a harsh manner. So parents try to not repeat the pattern, but then they end up not effectively disciplining their children the way they should. Okay, and then on the flip side of that, you may see a parent who, um, you know, they covet their children and their children do whatever they want to do, however they want to do it. They had no boundaries, they have no rule, they have no way to govern themselves.

They haven't been taught the right way to go.

And scripture says in Proverbs 13:24, for my parents out here. Whoever spares the rod hates their children.

That's a very, very strong statement. But the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

Careful, careful, meaning that you are looking at the actions, their behaviors, and you're punishing them according to what they've done. I'm not saying beat them or, you know, make them feel like, um, that making a mistake is the worst thing ever. No, but you have to set appropriate boundaries in place so they'll grow, because one day they're going to be out in the real world, and the real world does not operate like that. They don't. When they go to work, there's boundaries. When they go out with their friends and other people, there's boundaries everywhere. There's limits everywhere here on this earth. So if you let your children, little Johnny, you know, 2, 3, 4, 5 years on up, do whatever they want to do, and guess what? They're going to expect that from people, and they're liable to get hurt or hurt somebody else. And parents, I'm sure you don't want that for your children. And then, um, also says, uh, Proverbs, um, 29:17, discipline your children and they will give you peace.

They will bring you the delights you desire.

They will bring you peace. In that moment is not peaceful because you trying to teach them and raise them the way that they should go. But the word of God says that it will bring you peace eventually. But rules are necessary for our children and for ourselves. So set boundaries with your children. Don't let your children bring to you the guilt trip that you're just a worst parent of the— in the world because you said no, or you just discipline them. So I hope this helps, um, someone out today.

Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. Our prayer is that this podcast episode has blessed you. Don't forget to go and subscribe and leave us a raving review. If you would like to sow into this ministry or to this podcast, Pain, Passion, and Purpose, you can do so at anchor.fm/pain, Cash App, $shakeetatorres. Thank you so much, and I will talk to you next time.

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