Season 2: (Episode 3) Abundant Grace: Healing from Spiritual Abuse

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Welcome to Pain, Passion, and Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. Today's guest, her name is Emily Lewis. Welcome, Emily, to Pain, Passion, and Purpose.

Thank you, Shakeeta. I am so honored to be here, thankful to get to sit down with you.

Yes, thank you so much. And so before we begin and go into your story, I want to read a little bit more about who you are. Um, so Emily is a Grace Center coach who helps women stop trying to move their worth so they can rest in who God is and own who God says they are. Her mission is to help Christians know that they don't have to fit a box or mold to have a thriving relationship with God. She has helped dozens of women understand that they are unconditionally loved and they can rest from achieving. Emily is the host of the podcast Abundant Grace and creator of Abundant Grace Bible Studies. Welcome, Emily.

Thank you. Thank you for that.

I love that you have 4 daughters. I have 2 daughters.

They're the best. I love them so much.

Me too. I love being their mom. I really do. So that's a blessing, um, to be able to pour into our babies, especially our daughters, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, it's special.

It is, it is. Alrighty, so Emily, I want to give you the floor. And so please share with us a little bit about your story, your story about a particular pain point in your life that changed your life forever.

Hmm. Yeah. So I grew up going to church, doing all the things, and I thought that that somehow made me better, right? And I thought— I knew that Jesus was for salvation. I knew that he was, um, my way to heaven. But then after that, I adopted these rules, and like, I tried to follow all of them. I was the goody two shoes who was like checking the boxes And really, it left me exhausted. But I didn't really know if there was another way to do things until the pastor that I grew up under was exposed as abusive at home. And that started unraveling things for me. And I was basically gifted a faith crisis, like, oh, if this wasn't true, then this wasn't true. Oh, that was spiritually abusive. And like, all of these things started unraveling and I had to like ask really hard questions that I had stuffed for years, and I had like not been willing to face. But that moment was so pivotal because questions became my friend. Like, I could start asking questions. And through that, God led me to resources that taught me about his grace. Like, I read a book called Real Christianity that just flipped everything on its head. And if I am unconditionally loved and accepted by God, then I can stop all of this performing and I can let the weight fall off my shoulders of all this stuff that I'm trying to do to keep up. And so it did a few things for me. It shifted my motivation to where my motivation wasn't out of guilt, like I have to be doing these things, and it wasn't out of fear, like is God gonna leave me if I don't do everything right? And then, so it shifted my motivation. And then too, it taught me that I could rest. It taught me that maybe I could say no to even good things. And so that's the story in a nutshell of how God brought me from achieving and exhausted to really knowing that my worth wasn't tied to my work and everything that I could get done. Wow.

That is so beautiful, Emily. I love what you said about, you know, Moving from achieving to rest and finding liberty in Christ, right? But what stood out to me the most is the fact that you were in a ministry, in a church where you were being abused spiritually. But as a Christian therapist, I have counseled— also as a woman of God, I've also been in churches and counseled people who have been a part of a ministry where they were being spiritually abused. So can you share with the audience, can you share with us some examples of what that looked like? Because many people who are in it are not always aware that it's actually happening?

Wow, that is such a great question. So if you're not aware, right, it's really hard to— you're like, this is just normal. One of the things that really opened our eyes afterwards, I guess backing up to during, during it was like, oh, I just must— I just must not be a strong enough Christian to handle his personality. It's just his personality that's abrasive, and I just need to be more spiritual, and then I could be able to overlook this way that I'm being treated. So there was so much, so much, um, bypassing and so much like ignoring of those flags, those, those, um, verses being used out of context or being talked down to. So to answer your question, like, while you're in it, it feels like a lot of, I must not be doing enough, I must not be doing the right things. Other— because if we're taught that everything's going to go right if we're doing the right things, then when things aren't, we put this blame and this burden on ourselves to do more, to, to make people happy and God happy. So it's both.

Oh, I love that answer. That is so true. And so at what point did you actually figure out that you were being abused by the leader in the ministry?

Hmm, it took me a long time to be comfortable using that term. Yeah, it— because at first it was like being okay with saying like this was spiritual abuse or this was this was religious trauma. And it took a lot. It just took a couple of years to be comfortable. Not that we need those labels, but I think when we shy away from those labels, partly we can try to downplay what happened to us. And if we're willing to go, you know, and I've even come to the place where I realized what I grew up in was very cult-like and just being able to name that is powerful. And getting to the place where I can say that was spiritual abuse or that was religious trauma allows me to take it seriously.

I will say this, um, you know, for a quick second, uh, probably about 3, 4 months ago, the Lord— over the past 2 years, God had been really dealing with me about religion in the church. And I just been in prayer about it, having dreams about it, having visions about it. And I myself have come from a church— churches They were very religious, very, you know, you can't do this and you can't do that, I'm trying to control your life. And so I would say that I am— I've healed from it for sure, but I was definitely, you know, in that religious atmosphere where I was, you know, heartbroken, you know, church hurt is the term, religious trauma, all these, these terms are interchangeable. And people don't understand that it is a form of trauma and that can cause you to either shy away from God or it can cause you to run closer. And for me, I'm so grateful it caused me to actually run closer to him, for me to get clarity and get understanding and really search his word to get understanding of what the church is supposed to look like according to scripture and not according to man. And so, but I realized that that's not everybody's story. And so my prayer today is that anyone who's listening will be able to hear your story, will be able to hear some of, you know, some of my story to say, you know what, it's not my fault. You know what, I can heal from this. You know what, it wasn't God that did this to me, but it was man who did this to me. Because we forget the scripture that says watch out for wolves in sheep's clothing, and we bypass, bypass that, especially whenever you're a baby in Christ. Sometimes when you're a baby, you don't fully understand what that looks like. Even being an older believer, it can happen too. I, I can't share all the details here in the podcast today, But I have heard countless stories of people being in ministries where they have been abused by a leader, either sexually, physically, emotionally. And I know, you know, we're both here to say that that's not how God operates. It's not.

I think the really tricky part, and this comes up with the women that I coach, is that it's been handed to you as if this is God's standard or this is God's rules. Or this is the way God treats you. And that's what to me makes spiritual abuse so heinous is because we, we can get that tangled up with our view of God. And it takes work with a coach and probably a therapist at the same time, right, to untangle these stories that we've been told to go, who is actually God? So we have to get down to the, down to the root of who God is actually. Not who has he been represented as.

And you're so correct. I love the fact you said that having a coach at the same time, the therapist— and they can be, you know, you can have one or the other depending on your needs. But I've definitely been on both sides where I've been a therapist and my client had a coach, or I had a client I was coaching in a different state and they had a therapist too. And the, and the two go so well together beautifully, uh, because I've noticed that a lot of clients I've counseled might be missing that spirituality piece and I'm able to give that to them from a biblical, you know, perspective and being led by the Holy Spirit. And so being able to work on your mindset, being able to unlearn behaviors while also depending on Holy Spirit and depending on God to really just reveal things to you and heal to you is so beautiful. It is so powerful. And so I know you have had a lot of clients you have been able to help to just come out of that. That is just beautiful to me.

Yeah, I'm very thankful. It is amazing to watch people's eyes when they really grasp God's unconditional love and acceptance of them. It is— there's nothing else like it. I love it.

So today, now that you are in this place where you heal from so much, from your— from the spiritual abuse what would you tell the, the old version of you today?

Mm-hmm. I would tell her that she's loved. She's loved for who she is, not for what she can accomplish, not for who people perceive her as, but she really is genuinely loved for who she is.

I love it. I love it. And if you don't mind, I do want to touch on a little bit about the self-righteousness Um, again, you know, I've counseled clients who, who've had that same mentality, and I can see that it has come from different, um, parts of their family. Maybe they were raised to operate in perfectionism, and so because of that, they, you know, put that on God, and they think that God operates the same way. If they don't check off a certain box, that, that, that means like, you know, they're not loved or good enough. Speak a little bit more about, you know, you know, coming out of operating out of self-righteousness.

Yeah, so I think for me self-righteousness was tied to self-sufficiency. It was my need to be enough. So I look at it this way now: when we're told we're not enough, or we really believe that somehow we're like not measuring up. If we can't rest in that we are enough and that we have been like created for who we are, we can swing off to the other side, almost like a teeter-totter going back and forth between I'm unworthy and I'm not enough to that striving place, to that I need to prove that I am enough and I have to prove to the people around me that I am righteous. And so we, we vacillate between those two, the very high, high of like self-sufficiency and I made it and today I checked off all my boxes and I'm feeling good. And the next day, if we don't check off those boxes, we're like defeated. But both are rooted in that place of unworthiness, even if— see that? And I think this is funny, and I'm sure you deal with this, um, with like the people that you coach and help and, um, serve. But the things that we are hardest on ourselves, or like that need to be, um, I don't know, that self-righteousness— when we are looking down on other people, it's because we don't have security, right? It's when we are being critical of others from that self-righteous self-sufficient spot is because we actually are pretty insecure about whatever we're trying to boast about.

So as far as rest, what does the rest look like for you?

Hmm, oh, that's such a fun question. So rest looks to me like margin. I'm not packing every minute full. I can distinctly remember a time that Um, somebody had called me and asked me to do something and I was looking at my planner going like looking for this half an hour window to like stuff this thing in. And I felt a lot of pressure to say yes. And I did. And I fit it in and I just remember feeling so exhausted that day. And I don't operate that way anymore. Um, I've learned to create space that rest is good, that Stillness is good. Um, so first of all, it looks like not packing every day full. It means there's a couple days a week that I don't do work, that I am at home with my kids, like, and I'm not trying to do 3 things at a time because I, I need that. And then Sabbath. Sabbath is such an under— um, I don't know what's the word. It's just Not taking advantage of, yeah, whether it looks like 4 hours or 12 hours or a full 24 hours, taking that time to, I don't know, whatever rest looks like for you. Cause every person is different, right? Rest for you might be social butterfly, you know, visiting with friends. Rest for somebody else might be shutting their phone completely off for like 12 hours or something like that, figuring out what works for you. But yeah. Margin and Sabbath, the big ones.

I definitely agree. I know we both can, you know, say, especially on social media, you see people doing so many different things and it's like, oh wow, I want to do that, I want to do this, I want to do that. But you can't do all things and you can't be all things at the same time for everybody. And so I think it's so important to seek Holy Spirit. Okay, Lord, how should I structure this? How should my social media look? How should my life look? Versus trying to compare it to other people because we all have different talents and different gifts and different callings and different capacities. And so we're going to go ahead and take a quick break, you guys, and we'll come back to discuss more about Emily's passion and her purpose.

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Hello everyone, welcome back to today's episode, and our guest is Emily Lewis. And so Emily, in part 1 we discussed more about your story, um, healing from spiritual abuse. Teaching Women How to Rest in God and Not Operate in Self-Righteousness. And so we're going to go ahead and go into part 2 and discuss passion and purpose. So share with us some of the things that you are passionate about.

Hmm. So one of the big things that I'm passionate about, I hinted to in the first part, is just having that unique relationship with God. And I think we hear that language so much in the church that sometimes we forget what it means. And that means that you get to be you. You don't have to fit a box. You don't have to fit a mold. You don't have to check boxes to be a good Christian. Like, God wants you. And so I'm really passionate about women, like, being fully themselves in their relationship with God, because it can look different than the next person's, and it probably should look different than the next person's. So I love helping women step into that relationship with God. And really, that helps heal our relationship with ourselves as well.

And so I'm pretty sure that— I always say that people, we have so many different passions, right? And from that, God can pull so much from our passion and to make it our purpose. And so today, and even in the future, how is your purpose tied into your pain and to your passion?

Yeah, so I had— oh, I think I'm gonna go into a story that I didn't know I was gonna share, but I, um, God nudged me to start something every time that my babies were sleeping through the night. So it was like when my oldest was starting to sleep through the night, God like nudged me towards something. I was like, no, that's not from you. I really thought it wasn't from him because I had this picture of what a good Christian woman looked like and it was a stay-at-home mom. Like, these were just the things on my list. Yours might be completely different than mine, but I had this list of things that I had to do, and starting a business was not one of them. Like, that was like over here. It was not part of my calling. It couldn't be like the way that I had boxed myself in. So God continued to bring this around to me every couple of years as my kids, you know, each round of kids was sleeping through the night. And the last time he did was about 2 years ago, because my youngest is like 2 and a half. And I remember crying and begging God to take this desire away. Because I was sure that it was not from him. And I thought it was some kind of selfish desire. And I finally voiced it to my husband, and he was like, so excited about this potential, whatever. I had no idea what it would look like. I just knew that there was a nudge for me. And he prayed over me right there and was asking God to show us what that would look like. So through taking some business courses and learning some, you know, how to start an online business and start a podcast, that's when I found out that I wanted to help women who had been where I've been. I wanted to help them experience freedom. And abundant life that was not found in those religious to-dos, that was not found in checking the boxes. I wanted to help them experience life. Like, I feel more fully alive now than I ever have, and I wanted them to experience the same. So that's how my pain turned into my passion and this purpose, this mission that God has me on right now.

And so I'm pretty sure you work with women who are working, women who are stay-at-home moms. I feel like a lot of women who are stay-at-home moms sometimes feel like they don't have purpose. I'm like, no, being a mom and raising your babies, that is like powerful. You raising up the next generation, and that is so beautiful to me, to be able to be in a place where you could do that. Of course, if you have desires, God, God wants to give you the desires of your heart, and trust that he, he will. He will, as you be obedient to him and do what he's called you to do, which is raise your babies, right?

Yeah. So I'm super thankful that God— that I learned that I could step into those desires, that they weren't wrong, that he had— he was guiding me.

What shifts did you have to make in your mindset to finally say, okay, God, I'm going to go after this thing?

Oh, wow. I think it was a huge mindset shift from— and I think one of the big things was just that this isn't what it's supposed to be. Like, oh, I'm allowed to do this. And then also fear of what other people think, which is something that God continues to strip the layers off of for me, is what other people think. What will people think if I start a business? What will people think if I stop doing this thing? What will people think if I start preaching? What will people like? All of these questions point to me not letting God be enough for me, not letting his approval be enough. And so I'm learning like, wow, God, you are enough. Your approval is enough. I am approved of by you, and I am on mission for you. And I'm going to get it wrong. I'm not going to act like I'm going to get it right all the time. But as I'm going in that direction and headed on mission with him, Like, letting his approval be enough is a huge mindset shift that I've had to just slowly, you know, one thing at a time, go that way, go, um, into what he wants.

And so season 2, you know, the Lord gave me a theme, uh, which is called Your Words Carry Weight, Speak Life. How does that relate to you and what do you want to share in reference to that?

Yeah, this is— I think it's super powerful that— I'm glad you're focusing on our words because, man, we, we have the power in our words to breathe life or bring death and be the messenger of the Holy Spirit or be the messenger of the enemy with our words, right? And how this ties in for me I think has to go back to unworthiness and worthiness. See, when we are told over and over that we're unworthy of God's love, or you're, you know, we focus— if we focus on passages like, you're this, you know, the chief of sinners, or I'm a worm, I think Job said that, you know, if we focus on that, we start to believe it. And then we miss what God is trying to give us because we're just focused on, I'm more unworthy, I'm unworthy. And for some people, I think they can focus on that and it points them to the goodness of God. But I think for some of us, if we focus on the unworthiness of ourselves, we just focus on the unworthiness of ourselves and it doesn't point us to God. It just helps us— we're just looking at ourselves and how lowly we are, and somehow we are self-righteous about how bad we think we are. Does that, does that make sense?

Absolutely. What you just said makes perfect sense. I can definitely relate to that. What you just said is like, okay, I'm unworthy, God, but you're coming from a place of honor, a place of thankfulness, a place of, God, I know I'm not worth what you do for me because your love is just— you have to, you know, agape unconditional love for us, and we're still able to move forward and accept what he has for us. But then the flip side of that is saying, oh, I'm unworthy, and we don't move forward. Or our life is not lining up with God's word and we're not able to fully receive his love. So I get exactly what you're saying.

Yeah, yeah. So, so flipping that to— instead of being in awe of how unworthy we are, let's be in awe of how worthy we are. Like, God, you made me worthy. You accepted me just the way I am. You love me. No matter what I do, you don't love me more when I do more. You don't love me less when I do this thing I shouldn't do. Like, let's stand in awe of that. And rephrasing that wording is powerful in the way that we view ourselves and then the way that we view God.

You guys, you guys hear that? Y'all heard what Emily said is to accept God's love, accept the fact that you are worthy and that he loves you unconditionally. I have so many nuggets in here. So is there anything else that you want to share with the audience that's on your heart today, Emily?

Um, when we find our identity in who God says that we are, that's what becomes enough for us. And if we can rest in who God is and own who he says that we are we will be able to find rest, and we can stop trying to prove or earn or beat ourselves up to be better or whatever we're gonna do.

Yes, you're so right, because as you were saying that, I had a memory of, you know, over the years God has given me so many things to start, and I have been so busy plowing and building and plowing and building and being obedient, and sometimes it got overwhelming, and sometimes I missed dotting the i or I missed crossing the t. And so I was I was in the shower, I said, God, what's on your heart? And he said, I love you no matter what you do, no matter what you don't do, no matter what you miss, whatever, what you don't miss, my love for you never changes. Because I had started putting like pressure on myself to make sure I got things done like a certain way and to make sure things were, you know, was accurate. And God was like, no, I'm not looking for perfection, I'm looking for you just to do what I've called you and asked you to do, and come to me whenever you need— whenever you need clarity, come to me whenever you need to rest. Come. Oh God, I just cried and I just cried and I cried because I didn't realize I had got to that point.

And I'm like, wow, God.

I begin to just meditate on that. I'm like, God, I'm— I'm— yeah, Lord, you're so right. Thank you, um, for sharing that. And I love that you're being vulnerable, and I love vulnerability as well because people are able to really relate to that and really, um, hang on and take some nuggets from today's episode. So thank you so much.

Thank you for having me.

Yes, yes. So please share with us where we can find you, about your services and all your Bible study and all that good stuff.

Sure, yeah. Go to— I'm most active on Instagram. You can find me there at emily.abundantgrace. Um, I'll share lots of stuff there, and I'd love to offer your audience to go to yourrelationshipwithgod.com, we'll just make forward slash Pain, Passion and Purpose. So it's easy to remember and they can grab my identity mini course. It's like a series of emails that I can help them just stand in their God-given identity. So because I think that word stand in who God says you are can be so big and I like to break that down. And help them walk in that.

Well, you guys, this was Emily Lewis. Thank you guys so much for listening, and we'll talk to you guys next time.

Thank you guys so much for tuning in today. So I really hope that it blessed you and gave you some clarity and insight, um, into things that may be hindering you from walking in your purpose. As I was saying before, during my interview with Emily, religious trauma syndrome is a very real thing. A lot of times we use the word interchangeably with the word church hurt, but whenever we experience church hurt, sometimes we actually experience trauma. I know I have to some degree. I also have a YouTube video that I did called Relationship vs. Religion with God, and I go in great detail about visions and dreams God has given me and the things that I've experienced too in the church in the past.. So if you get a chance, go to my YouTube channel. I'll put the description or the link in the show notes and also take out time to read more about Religious Trauma Syndrome, also known as RTS. I've counseled so many clients in the past who has experienced this. And also I mentioned in my last episode that I had some news I wanted to announce to you all. Listen, I am so excited. I am so hyped about the new vision God has given me for a virtual mental health summit called Faith and Mental Wellness that will take place virtually in the spring of next year. I already have the dates for it. It's March 13th and March 14th. This summit is going to be for mental health professionals, for Christian leaders, Um, for those who need help understanding, um, how faith and mental health goes together and how it should not be separate, you'll be able to get certificate of attendances. Oh my gosh, you guys, like, the blueprint is pretty much laid out. And so now I'm just continuing to build on the foundation on what God has given me. And the vision, um, the theme for it is called Unashamed. God gave me that. And so what I'm going to do, I'm not going to do it on today's episode because of time. I like to stay under 45 minutes if I can. So, um, I will probably do— well, I will do just an episode specifically about that particular summit, how God gave it to me, how I sought him, how everything came, because I want it to also be a teaching moment for my listeners, for you to really understand how hearing God and how important that is and asking him questions and just being available for him to like download visions inside of you for you to be able to execute. Like, he literally gave me the blueprint in one day. Like, actually, like I say, about an hour or two. And then from there, he began to like build on it. And so I want to share with you guys more in detail what that looked like for me. And I'll share things from my past as well. Whenever God would give me certain things, how I might have failed in some areas. And also how I may have succeeded, because I feel like a lot of times people see people who are doing different things, no matter what level they are in their ministry or their platform, and they say, oh my God, how does she do all that? How did— how does this take place? But it's a process. It is a process, especially if you want to be a kingdompreneur and really operate and have a kingdom mindset. It is a process. It's a faith walk. It really is. And so I want to do an episode specifically just for that. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure the next episode or so will be about that. So if you are interested in being a speaker, I do have it on the site where you can go and fill out the application. I'm also seeking for volunteers, and I'll also be doing a sponsorship package for those who want to market their business in different ways through this platform. And so God gave me all of that and then some. So I'll also put the link to that in the description box. Also sign up for the newsletter for the summit so you can be able to stay in tune with that and what's going on and when tickets will go on sale. This summit is going to be amazing. It is going to be a steal financially for those who are looking for continued education hours. Like, for example, for me, I'm a therapist. I have to get a certain amount of hours every 2 years. To be able to maintain my licensure. And so you'll be able to get 12 hours and yeah, it's going to be great. And so also don't forget to subscribe to my podcast. Don't forget to leave a review and don't forget to share this with somebody who you think it will help. Also, you can visit www.empoweredpurposeacademy.com to learn more about everything else that I'm offering. So until next time, I hope you guys have a blessed week.

Shakeeta Torres.