EPISODE 11: THE WOMAN WHO LEFT BUT NEVER LOCKED THE DOOR — TONYA'S STORY

So she'd been married for 7 years. She's been separated for 2. She finally got to that place to where she was able to move out on her own, and she got her own apartment, she got her own car, and she got a job where she was making more money than she was before. She was back in church and doing things in the church that she always wanted to do. She was actually joining groups and getting involved with different things that she was interested in. She was spending more time with her family, hanging out with her girlfriends more. Taking trips to places that she always wanted to go to. So when you hear a story like this and look at it on paper and you see her life, you look at her and you would say that she is thriving, that she is doing great, way better than she was before. But the truth is, is that she couldn't answer one question when I asked her, "Are you going to file for divorce?" It's been two years and she couldn't answer that question yet. Not because she didn't know; she knew. Deep down, past the faith, past the fear, past the family history, past everything that she was now thriving in, she knew the answer to that question. She just couldn't say it out loud because saying it out loud makes it real, and real means it's over, and over means that she's failed. Her name is Tonya, and she's been standing in the doorway for 730 days. And this is her story.

First they want to see me fall, see me break, see me crawl. Never want to see me whole. Truth untold, but now I speak, so you gonna feel it all. I'm the presence in the room. I don't just speak, I command your presence. Demand excellence. Breathe fire with reckless Reverence planted in the best soil, deep like ancestral truth. Try to form a plan, but you could never reroute me. I'm still here, congratulate me, survived it all. Wore it like a suit and walked through hell with a heaven-bound boot. That's the same path you gonna walk. From broken to unbreakable, from loss to legacy. Talk intact life, we map the journey. 7 loops, 5 modes, 5 pillars, no attorney. Break your loop, build your love. This is the best part. This is how we rise above. Shamsuddin Hakim, Intact Life Podcast. Welcome to the session.

Let's go.

Intact Life.

Welcome back. I'm Shamsuddin. This is episode 11 of the Intact Life Podcast and day 2 of week 2 in the Held Hostage miniseries. Before we go into Tanya's session, if you haven't taken the free INTACT assessment yet, go ahead and pause this right now. Go to theintactlife.com, take it. It's free and it takes about 10 minutes. And everything I'm about to walk you through in Tanya's coaching session will hit different when you know your own pattern. Go to theintactlife.com, go take it, and I'll be right here when you get back. So I'm so On the previous episode, episode 10, I taught you about the doorway, that space between leaving and living. I taught you about the ambiguous loss, about the 3 traps, the financial, the hope and faith, the 10-sign checklist that you could take in order to find out exactly where you are. Today, we go inside the coaching session. This is Tonya's session. Now let me paint the picture. Tonya is a spiritual woman. Her faith is her foundation. She goes to church on Sundays. She prays in the morning. She doesn't move without checking in with God first. She married a man after 2 years of conversations about her expectations in relationships. She went through those 2 years telling him the exact things about, this is what I need in order to make me happy, in order for us to have a great relationship. She only needed 3 things. She needed time, intimacy, and companionship. She didn't need diamonds. She didn't need no vacations. She didn't need a life of luxury. She was asking for things that are free. He agreed that he could give these things to her, and they got married. And for 7 years, he gave her none of it. She tried therapy twice. They had hundreds of conversations about what she needed in the relationship, especially when she was giving him everything that he was asking for. She prayed, she adjusted, she compromised, she kept giving to him while still begging for the 3 things that she was asking him for. And finally, after 7 years of begging for things that don't cost a dime, she said, I'm out, I'm done, I'm through. And she left. And the whole world thought, good for her, she's finally free. But Tonya, Tonya told me that, I don't know why I'm hesitating. I'm like someone trying to jump into the rope but can't take the jump. I don't know why I'm still standing outside trying to get in, but yet I don't want to. That metaphor broke my heart. The jump rope. She is watching the rope swing. She sees the rhythm. She knows how to jump, but her feet won't move. And when I dug in, when I ran her through all 7 intact steps, I found out exactly why. Step 1 in the INTACT process is identify. This is where you experience self-awareness and truth about you. When I coached Tanya, I found 3 things keeping her in the doorway, not 1, not 2, but 3, and they were all disguised as something else. Lock number 1, the hope disguised as patience. Tanya's husband wasn't gone. He was hovering. Driving by her house at 6:00 AM, sending money, checking in, not fighting for the marriage, not going to therapy, not changing behavior, just present, lurking, monitoring her lifestyle. And Tonya interpreted that as maybe he's coming around, maybe he just needs more time. But I told her, listen here, sister, what he's doing isn't pursuit, it's surveillance. A man who drives by your house at 6:00 AM but won't go to therapy isn't fighting for you. He's making sure nobody else has you. That's not love. That's territory. And her hope, maybe he'll change, was really just her brain looking for any evidence to avoid the finality of divorce. Because as long as she could say maybe, she didn't have to say it's over. Lock number 2, the fear disguised as faith. Now, Tonya told me, I'm a spiritual woman. If God is not in the midst of it, then it's man-made. Beautiful theology, but here's how she was applying it. She was waiting for God to give her a sign that said it's okay to divorce. A burning bush, a voice from heaven, a prophetic word from her pastor, something clear and unmistakable. And I told her, Tanya, God already gave you the sign. He let you walk away after 7 years of begging for free things, time, intimacy, and companionship. God gave you the clarity to see the truth and the courage to leave. That was the sign. That was the deliverance. But now you're second-guessing the very deliverance he provided. You're standing at the Red Sea after he parted it, asking, but are you sure I should cross? Yes, he's sure. Now it's time for you to walk across the way that he has made for you. Lock number 3, the generational story disguised as identity. When I heard that, I said, there it is. Tonya wasn't just fighting for her own marriage ending. She was fighting for her parents' story. She watched them divorce. She felt that pain. And she made a vow as a child. She said, that will never be me. And now at 40-something years old, she's keeping a vow she made when she was 10. A promise she made before she understood what marriage was and what love requires and what abuse looks like. She'd rather stay legally married to a man who won't meet her needs than become a divorcee like her mother. She'd rather stand in the door for a decade rather than admit that her childhood promise couldn't survive adult reality. And I told her, Tonya, you are not your parents. Their divorce is not your curse. It's data. It's happened. It was painful, but your marriage isn't failing because of them. It's failing because he couldn't meet your needs. And you're not your mother. And staying married to prove you're not your mother isn't faithfulness. It's fear wearing a family heirloom. If you just heard those 3 locks and one of them made you catch your breath, the hope tether, the faith tether, or the generational story, I need you to do something right now. Take the free INTACT assessment at theintactlife.com. It'll show you which love pattern is keeping you locked in your doorway. And if you want me to walk you through it personally, book a strategy session. It's $30, 30 minutes. I only take 5 per week and they go fast. The link is in the bio. Step 2 of the INTACT Life Framework is nurture. And here's what I discovered about Tanya. She never grieved. She left. She stayed busy. She went to church. She joined groups. She worked. She spent time with her family, spent time with her girlfriends, went on trips. She filled her calendar to the brim, but she never sat with the loss. Not the loss of him, the loss of what she thought she'd have. The marriage she envisioned, the partnership she was promised, the man she thought he'd become. See, Tonya, Talked to this man for 2 years before marriage about expectations. He agreed. He said yes to everything. She asked him about time. He said, yes, I'll give you the time you need. She asked him about intimacy. He said, yes, I'm a very intimate and affectionate person. That's not a problem for me. You will have that. She asked him about companionship, and he says, that's the only way for a marriage and a relationship to grow and thrive. So he said yes, he could give her that as well. But he didn't deliver on a single one. That's not just disappointment, that's betrayal. He made promises through conversation, through vows, and then broke every single one. And instead of grieving that betrayal, Tanya went straight to managing it. She managed the separation. She managed her schedule. She managed her faith. She managed her independence. But busy isn't healing. It's distraction. So I gave her a 90-day grief and release protocol. It's 4 phases. And I told her that you can't close a door if you haven't mourned what's behind it. Phase 1, weeks 1 through 4, is to acknowledge the loss. Do some daily journaling. Ask yourself questions like, what did I lose when I left my marriage? Not just him, but ask yourself about the dream that you lost, the vision for your life that you lost, about when it says the till death do us part that you didn't get. Ask those questions and answer questions like those. Phase 2 is weeks 5 through 8, and this is what I call the release the hope phase. It's a weekly burning letter exercise. This is where you write what you needed That person to be. Then you burn it, you watch it turn to ash, and you let the hope go with it. Phase 3 is weeks 9 through 12. This is where you reclaim your identity, where you ask yourself, who am I without this marriage? Not who I was before it, not who I'll be after it. Who am I right now? And phase 4 is decision. At the end of 90 days, if he hasn't fought for the marriage, therapy, changed behavior, consistent pursuit, not just money and monitoring, file the papers. Not from anger, from clarity. Step 3 in the ENTTEC Life Framework is transform. This is where you're going to be reframing the beliefs that keep you stuck. Tonya's old story, the one running her life for 2 years, sounds like this. Divorce means I failed. I'll be like my parents. God will be disappointed. If I wait long enough, he'll change. Filing papers makes it real, and I'm not ready for real. Her new story, the one we're building, sounds like this. I am not my parents. Their story is not my identity. I gave this marriage 7 years, and he gave me crumbs. Filing for divorce doesn't mean I failed. It means I had the courage to stop Settling for less than God designed for me. He didn't bring me out of this marriage to leave me stuck at the door. He brought me out to set me free. I need every person listening to hear this. Divorce is not failure. Staying in a dead marriage because you're afraid of the label? That's failure. Failure to honor yourself, failure to trust your own experience, failure to walk Through the door God already opened. Step 4 is action. And Tonya's action step was the hardest one I've ever assigned. I told her, you need to have the final conversation with your husband. Not a let's talk about us conversation. Not that maybe we should try again conversation, but the final one. I gave her a script and it goes like this. I spent 2 years hoping you would fight for this marriage. I've given you space. I've given you time. And I've been giving you grace. Starting today, I'm going no contact for 90 days. During those 90 days, if you want to fight for us, here's what that looks like. Therapy, accountability, changed behavior. Not money, not driving by my house, not monitoring. If at the end of 90 days I haven't seen that fight, I'm filing for divorce. Not because I hate you, because I love myself. And I'm done standing in the doorway. No negotiation, no defense, no going back and forth. This conversation does 2 things. It gives him a clear, measurable path to reconciliation. So she can never say I didn't give him a chance. And it gives her a deadline. So she can't stand in the doorway for another 2 years. Because without a deadline, maybe lasts forever. And forever in the doorway is just another kind of prison. If you're listening to this and you need your version of that conversation, your own final script, your own 90-day deadline, your own clarity, that's exactly what we build in the strategy session. It's $30, 30 minutes, your situation, your script, your plan, not Tanya's, yours. I have a few spots left this week. The link is in the bio, themtaklife.com/coaching. Step 5 is connection. And instead of the 5C filter, which we use for Veronica's act of marriage, I ran Tanya through the 5-pillar alignment check because Tanya's issue isn't the relationship anymore. It's her. She's already out of the relationship. The question is, which pillars are holding her back? Pillar 1, faith. She scores 6 out of 10. She has a strong foundation. She goes to church, she prays, she's very spiritual. She's a spiritual woman. Which is great, but she's using faith as a reason to stay stuck and not a resource to move forward. Her faith needs to shift from waiting on God to trusting the deliverance God already provided. Finance, 8 out of 10. Financially, she's independent. She has her own place, her own car. She got a better job making more money, but she's still accepting money from him. And every dollar she accepts, is a link in the chain, and she needs to cut it. She needs full independence, which means full freedom. Relationships, 2 out of 10. She's legally married, emotionally divorced, stuck in limbo for 2 years. He's hovering. She's hoping. This is chaos, not connection. This is chaos. Toxic chaos. Health is 5 out of 10. Physically active, swimming, working, moving, running, working out. But emotionally, she's drained. She's carrying 2 years of unprocessed grief. The body is moving, but the soul is exhausted. Her vocation is 7 out of 10. She's working. Like I said, she got an even better job making more money. She's independent. She's thriving professionally, but using work as distraction from the grief she needs to process. Her weakest pillar is relationships, which she scored 2 out of 10. And here's the ripple effect. When your relationship pillar is in chaos, everything else suffers. Your faith feels shaky. You ask yourself questions like, is God mad at me? Her health declines from stress and emotional exhaustion. Even her purpose gets compromised because you're waiting instead of building. You fix the relationship pillar, close the door, file the papers, and the ambiguity And watch every other pillar stabilize because freedom isn't just legal, it's energetic, and you can't fully thrive while you're still tied to someone who won't meet your needs. Tanya's weakest pillar was relationships at 2 out of 10, but she didn't know that until we ran the assessment. Want to know yours? The free ENTAC assessment scores all 5 pillars: faith, finance, relationships, health, and vocation, and shows you which one is dragging the rest down. It's free and it's at theintactlife.com. Step 6 and step 7 is trust and intact. This is faith, consistency, and wholeness. And for Tonya, this is where I got personal because Tonya is a woman of deep faith and her faith was being used against her, not by her husband, but by her own interpretation of it. So I gave her what I call a prophetic word, not prophecy in the church sense, but truly spoken with spiritual authority And here's what I said. Tonya, you are not your parents. Their divorce is not your destiny. And filing for divorce doesn't mean you failed. It means you had the courage to stop settling for crumbs when God has a feast waiting for you. You left the marriage 2 years ago because you were losing yourself. And for 2 years, you've been finding yourself, working, going to church, Spending time with family, hanging out with friends, going on trips, thriving in independence. But you're still standing in the doorway because you're afraid that once you walk through, you'll be alone forever. But here's what I need you to hear. You're already alone. You've been alone in that marriage for 7 years. The only difference between now and then is that now you have peace, and you're about to trade that peace for the hope. that he'll change when 2 years of separation has already proven he won't. God didn't bring you out of that marriage to leave you stuck at the door. He brought you out to set you free, and freedom requires you to close the door. Not because you hate him, but because you love yourself.

Wow.

You're not jumping into the rope because you're afraid you'll fall. But what if you were supposed to fly? Close the door, not in anger, Not in bitterness, in peace. Walk through and watch what God does on the other side. And to everyone standing in their own doorway, the door was never meant to be your home. It was meant to be your exit. Use it. In episode 12, it's called When God Says Go, But Your Heart Says Stay. I'm building a practical faith-based framework for every spiritual person who's stuck between obedience and emotion, between what you know and what you feel, between the sign God already gave you and the sign you're still waiting for. If you've ever used your faith as a reason to stay in something God already delivered you from, episode 12 will set you free. 3 things before I go. One, take the free ENTAC assessment if you haven't already. It's at theentaclife.com. It's 10 minutes. Your love pattern, your 5 pillar scores, your life mode, your evolved form. It's free right now and it's free forever. 2, take the narcissism test at theintactlife.com/narcissismtest. 15 questions, 5 minutes. Find out if you've been conditioned by narcissists or if you have narcissistic tendencies. If your score is above 50, go ahead and book a strategy session and let's talk about it. 3, I have a few strategy session spots left this week. It's $30, 30 minutes. Your results, your action plan, your final conversation script. Link in the bio. Don't wait till next week. Those spots reset and new ones go fast. If you need someone to talk to right now, my AI coach Roxy is your coaching companion at Delphi, available 24/7. It's private, no judgment. She's trained on the ENTAC framework to help Tanya see her 3 locks. Follow me at @AskPhenom. I'm doing live coaching every Wednesday and Thursday. Come get your love pattern revealed in time. Go ahead and share this episode. Like this episode. Someone you love is standing in a doorway right now. They need to hear that the door was never meant to be their home. I'm Shamsudin, and this is The Intact Life. Go ahead and close the door, walk through, and fly.

Intact Life.

First they want to see me fly.

Oh, see me break, see me crawl, never want to see me whole. Truth untold, but now I speak, so you going to feel it all. I'm the presence in the room, I don't just speak, I command your presence, demand excellence. Breathe fire with reckless reverence, planted in the best soil, deep like ancestral truth. Try to form a plan, but you You could never reroute me. I'm still here. Congratulate me, survived it all. Wore it like a suit and walked through hell with a heaven-bound boot. That's the same path you gonna walk. From broken to unbreakable, from loss to legacy. Talk intact life, we mapped the journey. 7 loops, 5 modes, 5 pillars, no attorney. Break your loop, build your love. This is how we do it. I'm a new me.

Shamsuddin Hakim.

Intag Life Podcast. Welcome to the session. Let's go. Intag Life.