"Lock The Door" — Sharon's Story

Let me read you something. These are her exact words. The door is closed, but I still feel like I want to open it. And I have a kid with this door. Her name is Sharon. She's 25 years old. At 25, she should be discovering who she is, building her career, exploring life, finding herself. Instead, she's standing in front of a closed door, a door she knows is closed, a door she said she closed. But she's still on the porch, still looking through the keyhole. Still waiting to see if he'll knock. She's not in a relationship, but she's not single either. She's in something worse— emotional limbo. But she can't seem to walk away from the porch. This is what happens when a pattern forms before you're ready. When you build your identity around someone before you've built yourself. When you have a child with the person you're trying to let go of. Today, I want to introduce you to Sharon. And if you've ever been stuck on someone who wasn't choosing you, If you've ever said, "I'm done," but didn't mean it. If you've ever felt like you don't know who you are outside of loving someone, her story is your story. I'm Shamsuddin, and this is Intact Life. Let's lock the door.

Intact Life. First they want to see me fall, see me break, see me crawl. Never want. You didn't want to see me whole, truth untold. But now I speak, so you gon' feel it all. I'm the presence in the room, I don't just speak. I command your presence, demand excellence. Breathe fire with reckless reverence, planted in the best soil, deep like ancestral truth. Try to form a plan, but you could never reroute me. I'm still here, congratulate me, survived it all. Wore it like a suit and walked through hell with a heaven bamboo. That's the same path you gon' walk. From broken to unbreakable, from loss to legacy. Talk intact life. We map the journey. Seven loops, five modes, five pillars. No attorney. Break your loop. Build your love. This is how we rise above. Shamsidin Hakim. Intact Life Podcast. Welcome to the session. Let's go.

Intact Life.

Welcome back to the Intact Life.

I'm Shamsidin Hakim. On Monday, we talked about the early loop, how patterns form before you're ready, before your brain is developed, before you know what healthy looks like. Today, we're going deep on one person, a real TikTok Live assessment, a real story, real words. Because here's what I've learned. You don't break your loop by reading about loops. You break your loop by seeing yourself in someone else's story. And Sharon's story is going to hit home for a lot of you. Here's what I knew about Sharon before we started. 25 years old, single mother, newly single. She came to me in what I call healing mode, not looking for a relationship, not ready to date, just trying to figure out who she is and what happened. Her assessment results showed a few things immediately. Her pattern loop was the chaser. She's attracted to emotionally unavailable people. She stays past the expiration date. She keeps the door cracked even when she knows it should be locked. Her attachment style is anxious with some avoidant tendencies. She craves closeness, though when she doesn't get reciprocity, she builds walls. She gives and gives, then withdraws when it's not matched. Her emotional availability is she's Unavailable. Not because she doesn't want love, but because her heart is still leased to her ex. She's emotionally occupied. There's no vacancy. Her alignment score is 5 out of 10. She has strong self-awareness, strong values, but her relationship pillar is suffering. Her sense of self is tied to others, and she's lost her passion and joy. That's Sharon on paper. But the real story— the real story is in her words. So let me take you through her session. When I asked Sharon to tell me what was going on, Here's what she said. I'm not prepared to open another door without fully closing another one. The door is closed, but I still feel like I want to open it. Do you hear that? She's not confused about what she should do. She knows the door should be closed. She even says it is closed, but her feelings haven't caught up to her logic. The door is closed, but her heart is still on the porch. And here's the kicker. I have a kid with this door. This is the co-parenting trap we talked about Monday. She can't fully walk away, Because she has to see him, talk to him, coexist with him. Every exchange is a reminder. Every conversation is a crack in the door. But it goes deeper than that. When I asked Sharon what grounds her, what keeps her centered when life gets chaotic, she said, My inner compass always has to be a person. My son is the one thing that's been making me focus. I've lost that energy and that passion, but he makes me want to do it. Let me say that again. Her inner compass is always a person, not her values, not her faith, not her vision for her life. A person. First it was her ex, now it's her son. And that's beautiful in a way. Motherhood is powerful. Using your child as motivation is real. But here's the problem. What happens when her son is with his dad? What happens when her son grows up? What happens on the nights when she's alone and there's no person to be her compass? She loses her center. She loses her direction. She loses herself. This is the core wound of the early chaser. They never built an identity outside of other people. They went from relationship to relationship, from daughter to girlfriend to mother, without ever stopping to ask, who am I when no one's watching? What do I want when no one's asking? What makes me come alive? Sharon doesn't know. Because she's never had the chance to find out. And that's not her fault. She's 25. She got into this pattern young. She didn't have the tools or the awareness to build differently, but she has them now. And that's what this session was about. Let me break down how the chaser pattern shows up in Sharon specifically, because every chaser is different. The pattern is the same, but the flavor is unique. Sharon's chaser pattern is the hoverer. She's not actively chasing. She's not blowing up his phone. She's not showing up at his house. She's hovering, standing at a closed door, waiting, hoping, keeping one eye on him even while trying to move forward. Here's how it showed up in her assessment. Signal number 1, my boundaries exist, but my person can always find a way past them. This is, this is textbook chaser language. She has boundaries. She knows what they are. She can articulate them clearly. But for him, the boundaries are porous. The walls have doors, the locks have keys, and Sharon said it herself, he always finds a way past them. But here's what I told her. He's not finding a way, you're leaving one. You're keeping the boundaries loose because part of you doesn't want them to hold. Part of you is still hoping he'll break through and prove he's changed. That's not his persistence; that's your porousness. Signal number 2: If I don't get what I give back, I'm honestly going to be offended. This is the reciprocity wound. Sharon is a giver. She loves hard. She shows up fully. She invests everything. And when it's not matched, she doesn't just feel disappointed; she feels offended, betrayed, Here's what she said. You have to give me what I give you, if not more, so that I can want to give you more. That sounds reasonable on the surface. Reciprocity matters. Balance matters. But here's the shadow. She's not giving freely. She's giving to earn. She's investing with an expected return. And when the return doesn't come, she builds walls. She withdraws. Draws. She protects. This is the anxious avoidance cycle. She gives, don't receive, feel hurt, build walls, eventually let them back in, give again, repeat. It's exhausting, and it keeps her stuck in the loop. Signal number three: I've lost that energy and that passion. This is the chaser loop cost. When you spend years pouring into someone who doesn't pour back, when you stay past the expiration date hoping they'll change, when you keep your heart leased to someone. Who's not paying rent. You lose your life force, the energy, the passion, the joy that used to come naturally. Sharon said, I've lost that energy and that passion, but my son makes me want to do it. Her son is keeping her going, but she should be keeping her going. Her own dreams, her own goals, her own joy. That's what the loop stole from her, and that's what she's going to get back. So here's what I told Sharon, and if you're hearing yourself in her story, this is for First, the door isn't just closed, it needs to be locked. There's a difference. A closed door can be opened. You can turn the handle, you can peek through the keyhole, you can crack it just to see. A locked door, you need a key, and you threw the key away. Sharon's door is closed, but she's still holding the key. She's still standing on the porch. She's still looking through the window. That's not closure, that's surveillance. Real closure means no checking his social media, no No personal conversations during co-parenting exchanges. No asking mutual friends about his life. No accidentally being where he might be. No late-night texts when you're feeling lonely. Real closure means you don't know what's happening on the other side of the door because you're not looking. You're not on the porch anymore. You're building a whole new house. Second, you can't find yourself while you're emotionally occupied. Sharon wants to discover who she is. She wants to rebuild her identity. She wants to find her joy again. But she can't do that while her heart is still leased to him. It's like trying to renovate a house while someone's still living in it. You can paint around them, you can move furniture, but you can't do a full renovation until they move out. He needs to move out her heart fully, completely. Not because he's a bad person, but because she needs the space. Space to grieve, Space to discover, space to become. Third, your identity cannot be built around the person. Sharon said her inner compass is always a person. That needs to change because people leave, people change, and people disappoint. But your values, your faith, your vision for your life, those are yours. I told Sharon to spend the next 30 days answering one question every morning. What do I want for my life? Not for my relationships, not for my son, not for anyone else, just for me. Write it down, even if it's small, even if it changes daily, because that's how you build an internal compass, one answer at a time. Fourth, you have to grieve what didn't happen, not just what ended. Sharon isn't just grieving the relationship, she's grieving the potential, the life they could have had, the family they could have been, the future she imagined. That's real grief, and it's harder than grieving what actually happened. Actually happened because you're grieving a fantasy, a dream, something that never existed but felt so real. I told Sharon, let yourself grieve the potential. Write a letter to the life you thought you'd have. Say goodbye to it, bury it, and then start building the life that's actually possible. Fifth, the loop breaks when you stop waiting for him to close the door from his side. This is the key insight. Sharon is waiting for him to give her closure, for him For him to say it's really over. For him to stop giving her hope. For him to close the door from his side. But that's never going to happen because he benefits from the door being cracked. He gets access to her when he wants it. Emotional support when he needs it. The comfort of knowing she's still there. Why would he close that door? He won't. He can't. He doesn't have to because it's not his door to close. It's yours. You close it. You lock it, you walk away from the porch. Not because you hate him, not because you're bitter, but because you love yourself more than you love the fantasy of what he could be. That's the breakthrough. So here's what I gave Sharon. I call it the 90-Day Door Lock Protocol. It's specifically designed for early chasers who are co-parenting with the person they need to release. Phase 1 is boundaries. This is days 1 through 30. For the first 30 days, we're building the wall. Here's your co-parenting rules: text or email only. No calls unless emergency. Strictly logistical— pickups, schedules, child-related only. No personal conversations. If he goes personal, you— if he goes personal, you redirect. That's not something I'm discussing. Let's keep this about your child's name. Digital boundaries: block or mute him on social media. Delete old texts and photos. You don't need to reread the past. No checking his profile, his stories, or his life. Physical boundaries. No hanging out during exchanges. Drop off and go. No inviting him in just for a minute. No joint activities for the child's sake unless it's a major milestone, and even then, keep it brief. Accountability. Tell one trusted friend what you're doing Check in with them weekly. When you want to break the boundary, text them instead. Phase 2: Discovery. This is days 31 through 60. Now that the wall is up, we're building you. Solo joy reclamation. One activity per week that brings you joy, not your child, not anyone else. Revisit hobbies you abandoned. Try something completely new. Take yourself on solo dates. Identity journaling. Every morning, answer one question. What do I want for my life? Who am I when no one's watching? What would I do if I wasn't afraid? What does the healed version of me look like? Inner compass building. Write down your 5 non-negotiables for your life. Not relationship standards, life standards. Things like, I will prioritize my mental health. I will pursue work that fulfills me. I will maintain my own friendships. I will Practice my faith consistently. I will never abandon myself for someone else's approval. These become your compass. Phase three integration days sixty-one through ninety. Now we're testing the foundation. The alone practice. Spend fifteen minutes per day in complete solitude. No phone, no TV, no distraction. Just you sitting with yourself, discovering your still. The trigger test. Notice when you want to check on them. Notice when you want to break the boundary. Write down that trigger. Write down what triggered that urge. Then don't act on it. The future vision. Write a letter to yourself 1 year from now. Describe the life you've built. Describe who you've become. Describe the love you're ready for. By day 90, the door isn't just closed, it's locked. You don't know what's happening on the other side, and you don't care. Your identity isn't wrapped around him. It's wrapped around your values, your vision, your life. You're not single, you're whole. That's the protocol I gave Sharon, and it's the same protocol I'm giving you. Let me tell you who Sharon is becoming, because this isn't just about breaking the loop, it's about When I looked at Sharon's assessment, here's what I saw. Underneath the pattern, she's a giver. She loves deeply. She shows up fully. She invests everything. That's not a flaw. That's a gift. But it's been exploited by people who took without giving back. When she heals, she's going to be the kind of partner everyone dreams of. Loyal, devoted, all in. But she'll also have discernment. She'll know who deserves that investment, and she won't waste it on people who can't reciprocate. Underneath the pattern, she values communication. She says she's big on hashing things out, working through problems together, not running from hard conversations. That's emotional intelligence. That's maturity. That's rare. When she heals, she's going to attract partners who can match that. People who don't ghost, people who don't avoid, people who show up for the hard conversations. Underneath the pattern, she's a builder. She wants partnership that's going somewhere, not just dating for fun, but building towards something real. When she heals, she'll recognize builders when she sees them, and she'll have the discernment to avoid people who are just seeing what happens. Here's what I told Sharon about her future. You're 25 years old. You have your entire life ahead of you. Right now, you feel stuck, lost, like you don't know who you are. But that's not a curse. That's an opportunity. Most people never question their patterns. They stay in loops for decades. They wake up at 45 wondering why they keep repeating the same mistakes. You're asking the questions at 25. You're seeing the pattern now. You have 20 years on most people. So here's your future. At 26, you'll be discovering who you are, maybe for the first time ever. Your joy, your passions, your dreams that— Don't involve anyone else. At 27, you'll be dating from wholeness, not need. You won't be looking for someone to complete you. You'll be looking for someone to complement you. At 28, 29, 30, you'll be building something real with someone who matches what you bring. And your son, he'll grow up watching his mother choose herself. He'll learn that love isn't about losing yourself. It's about finding yourself and finding someone who celebrates who you are. That's the legacy you're building now, not by staying on the porch, but by walking away from it. So here's what I want you to do. If you're Sharon, if you're stuck on someone who isn't choosing you, do this today. Acknowledge the door is closed. Say it out loud. This is over. Not on pause. Not taking a break. Over. Throw away the key. Block or mute them on social media. Delete the old text. Stop checking. I need you to hold me accountable. Take the assessment. Go to theintactlife.com. Find out your pattern loop, your dating mode, your alignment score, and see yourself clearly. Start the 90-day protocol. Boundaries for 30 days. Discovery for 30 days. Integration for 30 days. By day 90, you'll be a different person. Now, here's what's coming Friday. Episode 6, Dating After the Early Loop. Sharon isn't ready to date yet. She's in healing mode. She's doing the work, but eventually she will be ready. And when she is, who should she look for? Friday, I'm answering that question. I'm going to break down the 3 best matches for someone healing from an early loop. What emotional availability actually looks like. The green flags that say this person is ready. How to know if you're ready, not just lonely. The 3 worst matches. People who'll trigger the loop again. The signs someone is emotionally unavailable. The red flags that say run. Why familiar feels good but isn't healthy. And the 5 questions to ask yourself before dating again. Do I know who I am outside of relationships? Is my heart fully vacant or still leased to someone? Can I be happy alone or am I running from alone? Do I have boundaries I'm willing to enforce? Am I looking for completion or compliment? This is dating after the early loop. So go ahead and subscribe, share this episode with someone who's stuck on a closed door, and tag me in it at askphenom.com and tag me at Ask Phenom. Because Sharon's story isn't just her story. It's the story of everyone who got stuck young, everyone who built their identity around someone else, everyone who's been standing on the porch waiting for a door to open. The door isn't going to open, but that's okay because you don't need that door anymore. You're building a whole new house. I'm Shamsudin. This is Intact Life. Lock the door. Build your life. I'll see you Friday.

Intact Life. First they want to see me fall. See me break, see me crawl. Never want to see me whole. Truth untold, but now I speak, so you gonna feel it all. I'm the presence in the room. I don't just speak, I command your presence. Demand excellence. Breathe fire with reckless reverence. Plant it in the best soil, deep like ancestral truth. Try to form a plan, but you could never reroute I'm still here, congratulate me. Survived it all, wore it like a suit and walked through hell with a heaven-bound boot. That's the same path you gonna walk. From broken to unbreakable, from loss to legacy. Talkin' 'tak life, we map the journey. 7 loops, 5 modes, 5 pillars, no attorney. Break your loop, build your love. This is how we rise above. This is how we rise above.