The 7 Pattern Loops — Which One Are You?

Pattern loop number one is the chaser. The chaser is attracted to emotionally unavailable people. The moment someone is all in, they lose interest. But the moment someone pulls away, they're hooked. Let me give you four signs you're a chaser. Sign number one: You always text first. Like eighty percent of the time, you're the one initiating. Sign number two: You're more attracted when they pull away, when they're distant. You're obsessed when they're not showing you enough attention. When they're present. If it isn't, you're bored. Sign number 3, you think that if I just do more, they'll choose me. You're negotiating for love. Sign number 4 is you stay way past the expiration date. You're, you're years in this situationship that never becomes a relationship. If you're nodding your head right now like, yeah, that's me, or that's me, any one of them signs, Then you're a chaser.

First they want to see me fall, see me break, see me crawl. Never want to see me whole. Truth untold, but now I speak, so you gonna feel it all. I'm the presence in the room. I don't just speak, I command your presence. Demand excellence. Breathe fire with reckless reverence. Planted in the best soil, deep like ancestral truth. Try to form a plan, but you could never reroute me. I'm still here, congratulate me. Survived it all, wore it like a suit and walked through hell with a heaven-bound boot. That's the same path you gonna walk, from broken to unbreakable, from loss to legacy talk. Intact life, we meant the journey. 7 loops, 5 modes, 5 pillars, no attorney. Break your loop, build your love. This is How we rise above. Shamsuddin Hakim, Intag Life Podcast. Welcome to the session. Let's go. Intag Life.

Her name was Jessica. She was 34 years old. She was smart. She was very, very beautiful, and she had a successful career. She'd been single for about two years and decided that she was ready to. Get back out here and start dating. She was ready for something real, ready to find the one. So she downloaded the apps. She went on a few dates and met somebody that she liked. Let's call him Marcus. Marcus was charming. He was smooth. He was attentive at first, but after 3 weeks, he started pulling away. He started texting less, and he started canceling plans they made. And Jessica, well, She wasn't having that. So what she did was she doubled down. She texted more. She showed up at his place unannounced. She even made herself more available to him because her whole thinking was that she needed to prove that she was worth choosing. And Marcus, he left. So that's— So Jessica ain't give up. She tried again. She tried with a new guy, but it was the same story. He pulled away. She chased harder. He left. This happened five times in two years. Different men, different faces, same ending. And Jessica called me one day, and she asked, "What's wrong with me? Why do I keep choosing the wrong person?" And I told her straight up. I said, "Yo, Jessica, there's nothing wrong with you. You're not choosing the wrong person. You're just stuck in the same cycle that you can't see. It's what I call a loop." She asked me, "What do you mean?" So I told her, "What I want you to do is I want you to take this assessment I created that I give to all of my coaching clients." And couples so that you can be able to see exactly what it is that you're doing and exactly who you are. But before you take the assessment, I can almost guarantee that it's going to tell you that you're a chaser. Because the truth is, Jessica, until you see the loop, you'll keep repeating it. So she eventually went and took the assessment. But before we get into that, let me ask you, have you ever felt like you're dating the same person in different bodies? If so, this episode is for you. I'm Shamsudin Hakim, and for 25 years I've been coaching people through relationship patterns, helping them to find that match and find that true love. But before I coached anyone else, I had to first coach myself because I was stuck in a loop also. I was what you would call a fixer. See, I dated someone for several years who couldn't love me back, and I stayed not because I was weak, but because I believed my value was in being needed by that person. She was broken, and I thought that I could fix her. I thought if I just loved her hard enough that she'd heal, and when she was healed, she'd finally love the way I loved her, she ended up leaving. And she left me for someone who didn't try to fix her, someone who just accepted her as she was. And when she left, I didn't just grieve the relationship, I grieved the time we spent together because it took away several years of my life. Several years I was trying to save someone who didn't even ask to be saved. And I asked myself, why did I do that? Why did I ignore every red flag? Why did I make Excuses for behavior I'd never tolerate from anyone else? And why did I stay when everyone told me to leave? What I realized is it wasn't about her. It was all about me. I chose her because she was broken, because being needed made me feel valuable. That was my loop, my wound, my pattern. And once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it. So I studied. I studied attachment theory, childhood wounds. I studied relationship psychology. I coached hundreds of people. And I discovered something. There are 7 pattern loops. Not 100, not 50, just 7. And if you're listening right now, you're stuck in one of them. By the end of this episode, you'll know which one. And once you know, you can break it. Let me tell you about Marcus, though. Marcus was 29. He'd been in 3 serious relationships, and every single one ended the same way. She'd want to meet his family. She'd talk about the future. They'd move in together, and Marcus would panic. Pull away, find reasons why it wasn't the right time. Eventually, she'd leave and Marcus would feel relieved until 6 months later when he was lonely and regretted it. Marcus thought he just hadn't found the right person, but I had to tell Marcus straight up, yo, bruh, you're not looking for the right person. You're running from vulnerability. You're a fortress. And here's what I told him and what I'm telling you. You're not choosing different people. You're choosing the same feeling in different bodies. Think about your last 3 relationships. Not the beginning, not the honeymoon phase, but the end. How did you feel? Did you feel anxious, like you were always chasing or always trying to prove yourself? Or were you always wondering if they really wanted you? Or did you feel suffocated, like they wanted too much, like they were moving too fast and you just needed to escape? Or did you feel exhausted, like you were doing all the emotional labor and they were just coasting, not doing much, not matching your energy? That feeling is your pattern loop, and you keep choosing people who trigger that feeling, not because you're self-destructive, but because it's familiar. Your nervous system recognizes it. Your subconscious says, I know this feeling. This is love. But it's not love. It's a loop. And every loop has 3 stages I want you to remember. Stage 1 is the trigger. This is where something happens that activates that wound inside of you. Stage 2 is fear. Where your deepest fear gets poked and it gets awakened. And stage 3 is the coping mechanism. This is where you do the thing that you always do. And that coping mechanism, that's where you're stuck. So let's identify it. Here are the 7 pattern loops. Pattern loop number 1 is the chaser. The chaser is attracted to emotionally unavailable people. The moment someone is all in, they lose interest. But the moment someone pulls away, they're hooked. Let me give you 4 signs you're a chaser. Sign number 1, you always text first. Like 80% of the time, you're the one initiating. Sign number 2, you're more attracted when they pull away, when they're distant. You're obsessed when they're not showing you enough attention. When they're present, you're bored. Sign number 3, you think that if I just do more, they'll choose me. You're negotiating for love. Sign number four is you stay way past the expiration date. You're you're years in this situationship that never becomes a relationship. If you're nodding your head right now, like yeah, that's me or that's me, any one of them signs, then you're a chaser. Now there are twelve total signs, and if you're hearing yourself in these four, then you need to see all twelve. I created a free PDF, the complete pattern loop guide with all twelve signs for all seven loops, plus the full six stage cycle for each. Click the link in the show notes at the bottom. Bottom or go to intactlife.com/patternloops and download it. This takes about 30 seconds. Click the link in the show notes to go ahead and download it right now. Now here's how the chaser loop works. First, you have the trigger. Let's say that they don't text back, or maybe they cancel plans because they're just busy. Not because they're not interested in you, but they're just busy because life happens. So what happens next is the next stage is fear. This is where you begin to fear that they're losing interest I'm not enough, that they're going to leave me. The next stage is you have your coping mechanism. This is where you chase harder. You double text, you show up unannounced, you prove your worth. And here's what happens. Short term, they respond. You feel validated. See, they do care. That's what you keep telling yourself. In the long term, your self-worth erodes. You spend years chasing people who will never choose you. Chasers, you're not desperate, you're anxiously attached. And there's a way out, but first you have to see the loop. So go ahead and download the guide and let's keep going. Pattern loop number 2 is the fortress. The fortress keeps everyone at arm's length. The moment someone wants commitment, they feel suffocated. They tell themselves they're independent or not ready, or they're focused on their career. But really, They're terrified of vulnerability. Here's 4 signs you're a fortress. Sign number 1 is you've been single for 3+ years by choice, and you're proud of it. Sign number 2, you're emotionally unavailable but physically present. You'll hang out, have sex, go on dates, but you won't go deep. Sign number 3, you think vulnerability equals weakness. Crying in front of someone, that's something that you'll never do. Sign number 4, the moment they want more, you want out. Commitment feels like suffocation. If this is you, then you're a fortress. Here's the cycle you're stuck in. The trigger is the relationship gets serious. They want to meet your family. They want to talk about the future. They want to see where you are. They want a DTR, which is define the relationship. And your fear is, if I let them in, I'll get hurt. If I commit, I'll lose myself. Your coping mechanism is you pull away and you create distance. You find flaws in them. You say, I'm not ready. You pick, you pick at the smallest thing they do, the way they chew their food, the way they sit down, the way they breathe. It'll be the smallest thing. You'll make the biggest flaw just so that you can run. And here's what happens in the short term. Your walls are up. You're safe. You have your autonomy back. But in the long term, you have chronic loneliness. You leave good people and you never experience deep intimacy. Fortresses, you're not cold. You're not unfeeling. You're avoidantly attached. And there's a way to let love in without losing yourself. But first, you have to see the loop. Go ahead and click that link in the show notes if this sounds like you. Pattern loop number 3 is the fixer. Now, this was me. So I'm going a little bit deeper here because the fixer is attracted to broken people, not successful people, not emotionally healthy people, but people who are broken and life has broken them. A situation has broken them. Just broken altogether. They think that they can save them, that they can heal them, or even fix them. And they stay years past the expiration date because they have this feeling to where they keep telling themselves that this person, they need me. So here's what fixers don't understand, is that you're confusing being needed with being loved. Here's 4 signs you're a fixer. Sign number 1 is you're attracted to people with potential. You don't date who they are, you date who they could be. Sign number 2, you become their therapist You're their therapist, not their partner. You're processing their childhood trauma at 2 AM in the morning rather than just being with them and being present and enjoying who they are. Sign number 3, you make excuses for their behavior. They're just going through something, or they've been hurt before, or this is the way that they deal with it. And sign number 4 is you feel responsible for their healing. If they don't get better, then it's your fault. Now, if this is you, then you're a fixer. And here's the cycle you're stuck in. The trigger is you meet someone broken and they share their trauma. They say, no one understands me like you do. The fear is, if I don't help, then who will? If I leave, then I'm abandoning them. And if I'm not needed, I have no value. Your coping mechanism is you over-function. You sacrifice your needs. You enable their dysfunction because you think you're helping them. And here's what happens. In the short term, you feel needed. You feel valuable. You have purpose. But in the long term, you spend years in toxic relationships. Your own needs are neglected. You burn out, and eventually they leave you anyway for someone who doesn't try to fix them. Fixers, you're not a hero. You're codependent, and your need to be needed is destroying you. But there's a way to heal. Go ahead and download the guide, and let's keep going on to pattern loop number four: the performer. Now, the performer becomes whoever their partner wants them to be. They lose themselves trying to be perfect. They mold to fit. They They overgive, and 6 months in, they don't even recognize themselves anymore. They look in the mirror trying to figure out who they are and who they become because they're not that person that they are because they're putting on a performance to please the partner that they're with. The trigger is that you have a new relationship and they want to be loved, so you start performing. The fear is if they see the real me, that they'll leave me. Your coping mechanism is that you perform, you hide your authentic self, and you say yes when you mean no. Performers, you're not selfless, you're just Abandoning yourself, abandoning who you are, your own passion, your own dreams, your own goals, so that you can make sure that the person that you've chosen to be with is getting everything they're needing while you're slowly dying inside. Pattern loop number 5 is the ghost. Now, the ghost disappears when things get real, around month 3 to 6, sometimes even sooner than that. When vulnerability is required, they vanish. They ghost instead of having hard conversations. The trigger is that the relationship deepens and commitment is expected, but they're not going to give that. They're not going to step into a deeper relationship. They're not going to be committed any more than they are now. So they ghost you. And the fear is, if I stay, I'll get hurt. This is too real. Your coping mechanism is you disappear, you avoid, and you create an exit. Ghost, you're not protecting yourself, you're running from what you want. Pattern loop number 6, the Settler. The Settler stays in mediocre relationships because they're afraid no one better will come along. They tell themselves constantly, this is good enough, at least I'm not alone. But deep down, they're not truly happy and they really are alone. The trigger is friends get engaged, age milestones, Panic about being alone. The fear is, I'm running out of time. What if no one better comes along? Your coping mechanism is you stay with someone you're not excited about. You were excited at one time, and it was very convincing. It looked very promising, but you lost that excitement because you settled for them, and you know that you settled. So you convince yourself good enough is just good enough, and you stay there. Settlers, you're not being realistic. You're just selling yourself short when you know you can have a lot more. Pattern loop number seven: the rusher. The rusher falls in love in two weeks. They say I love you by date five. They mistake intensity for intimacy. They rush to commitment because they're terrified of losing the potential. The trigger is you meet someone new. You feel a spark. Their fear is what if I lose them? What if this is my only chance? Your coping mechanism is you accelerate everything. You say I love you too soon. You plan the future prematurely. I mean, you're already planning marriage after 2 weeks of being— of seeing this person and knowing this person. Rushers, you're not passionate, you're anxious, and you're building on fantasy, not reality. Now, there are 12 signs for each of these loops. If you download the full guide in the show notes below, click that link and you'll be able to know exactly what these signs are for each one of these loops. Which one do you think you are? Be honest for a moment. Maybe you heard yourself in one loop. Maybe you heard yourself in 3. Let me tell you what happened when I finally saw my loop. I was a fixer, and for several years I tried to save someone who didn't want to be saved. I ignored red flags. I made excuses. I told myself that she just needs time. She just needs the right kind of love. She needs my love because my love's going to heal her. It's going to save her. It's going to Help her to be the person that I see who she is. And I gave everything, and she still left for someone else. Someone who didn't try to fix her. And I was devastated. Not just because she left, but because I had wasted years. Years I could have spent building myself. Years I could have spent with someone who actually wanted to be with me. But here's what I learned. It wasn't about her. It was about me. I chose her because she was broken. Because being needed made me feel valuable. Because I didn't believe I was enough just as I was. That was my wound. That was my loop. And once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it. So I did the work. I went to therapy, I got coaching, I studied, and I created the Intact Framework. This is where you identify your pattern, you nurture yourself, transform your beliefs, action through communication, connection through healthy choices, trust the process, and become intact, become whole. That's what this podcast is about. That's what Intact Life is about. It's about breaking the loop. So let's go ahead and break yours. Here's what I want you to do right now. There's 2 links. The first one is for you to download the PDF so that you can discover what loop you are. And then the second link is to the Intact assessment. I want you to take the next 5 to 7 minutes and go through the questions, and it's going to tell you your pattern loop, your power triangle, which is the 3 areas of your life you prioritize most, and, and it's going to tell you the life mode you're in. It's also going to let you know some of your attachment style and your love blueprint as well. You'll get a personalized breakdown, not some generic quiz result, but a real analysis. Now, if you want to go deeper, if you want me to personally walk you through breaking your loop, you can upgrade to the full ENTAC assessment. This will be a 15 to 30 minute coaching call for just $20. Now that's it. That's all it is. It's $20. The regular price is $47, but right now it's just $20. And I will show you exactly how to break your loop. Think about this for a moment. You spent years in this loop. You wasted time on people who were never going to choose you. You repeated the same pattern over and over. And now, for the price of 2 coffees, you can finally see it, name it, break it, and finally find the person that you're meant to be with. But most importantly, you'll finally discover a part of you that you didn't know existed. That you knew was there that was keeping you from what you truly want. So what are you gonna do? You gonna keep doing what you've been doing, or you gonna keep choosing the same person in a different body, or you gonna take take seven minutes, discover your loop, and start dating differently? It's your choice. So go ahead and click the link, take the assessment, and do it now. And in the next episode, I'm doing a deep dive on the chase loop. We're going to talk about why you're attracted to emotionally available people. We're going to talk about why you're attracted to emotionally unavailable people, how to stop chasing and start attracting, and what to do when you want to chase and how to stop yourself. So subscribe to the podcast, share the podcast, follow me on TikTok and Instagram. I'm Shamsuddin Hakim, and this is The Intact Life. Live intact, love intact, lead intact, and I'll see you in the next episode.

Intact Life.

Wow.

First they want to see me fall, see me break, see me crawl. Never want to see me whole. Truth untold, but now I speak, so you gonna feel it all. I'm the presence in the room. I don't just speak, I command your presence. Demand excellence. Breathe fire with With reckless reverence, planted in the best soil, deep like ancestral truth. Try to form a plan, but you could never reroute me. I'm still here, congratulate me, survived it all, wore it like a suit and walked through hell with a heaven-bound boot. That's the same path you going to walk, from broken to unbreakable, from loss to legacy, talk intact life. We map the journey, 7 5 modes, 5 pillars.

No attorney.

Break your loop, build your love. This is how we rise above.