In episode 9 of the Intact Life "Held Hostage" miniseries, host Shamsudin Hakim delivers a practical framework for listeners to assess whether their romantic relationship is healthy or a form of narcissistic conditioning. He begins with two diagnostic questions that differentiate healthy compromise from conditioning, then introduces a 20‑statement "narcissism test" divided into four sections (Performance, Mask, Cage, Question). Each statement is to be self‑scored, and the total places the listener into one of four zones: healthy (0‑4), caution (5‑9), danger (10‑14), or hostage (15‑20). Hakim explains the meaning of each zone and urges listeners scoring in the danger or hostage ranges to seek professional help. The episode weaves in two client case studies. Veronica, who scores 0/5 on the "5C filter" and exhibits three love‑patterns (Performer, Fortress, Settler), illustrates the hostage zone and the process of reclaiming identity. Nancy’s upcoming story (the "Doorway") will portray a person who has physically left a relationship but remains emotionally trapped. Throughout, Hakim references the broader Intact Life framework – seven loops, five modes, five pillars – and promotes supplemental resources: a detailed blog post, a paid/free "Intact Assessment" that maps love patterns, pillar scores, and life mode, as well as live coaching streams on TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. The episode ends with a call to share, subscribe, and attend the next live session.
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On Monday, I taught you how narcissistic conditioning works. The three stages, the twelve signs. How one toxic relationship can activate three love patterns you never had before. On Wednesday, I introduced you to Veronica, a woman scoring zero out of five on the C filter. A woman who asked me, am I the problem? Today, I'm answering that question, not just for Veronica. But for you too, I'm giving you a test, a framework, something you can use tonight to determine whether your relationship is a partnership or a prison. This is episode nine. Am I the problem? The narcissism test.
Intact life. First they want to see me fall, see me break, see me crawl. Never wanna see me hold truth untold, but now I speak so you gon' feel it all. I'm the presence in the room, I don't just speak, I command your presence, demand excellence. Breathe fire with reckless reverence, planted in the best soil, deep like ancestral truth. Tried to form a plan, but you could never reroute me. I'm still here, congratulate me, survived it all. Wore it like a suit and walked through hell with a heaven-bound boot. That's the same path you gonna walk. From broken to unbreakable, from loss to legacy. Talk intact life. We map the journey. Seven loops, five modes, five pillars. No attorney. Break your loop. Build your love. This is how we rise above. Shamsidin Hakim. Intact life podcast. Welcome to the session. Let's go. Intact life.
Before I give you the full test, I want to start with 2 questions, just 2, and your answers will tell you almost everything. The first question is, who changes when there's conflict? In a healthy relationship, both people adjust when there's conflict. You compromise, you communicate, you both move toward the middle. In a narcissistic relationship, only one person changes. And it's always you. You get quieter, you stop going out, you manage their mood, you write your feelings instead of speaking them, you shrink, and they stay exactly the same, or they get worse. If you're the one who's changed since the relationship started and you've changed by becoming less of yourself, that's not compromise, that's conditioning. My second question is, who do they believe, you Or the world. In a healthy relationship, when you tell your partner something is wrong, they believe you. They might not agree, but they take your experience seriously. In a narcissistic relationship, the world gets their best self. You get the leftovers. And when you try to explain it to anyone by telling them he's not who you think he is, nobody believes you because they only see the performance. This is what Veronica described. He's great with everybody else. He's charming, he's fun, but at home he's cold, he's dismissive, and he's punishing. If the world gets his highlight reel and you get the behind-the-scenes footage that nobody would believe, that's not a personality. That's a mask. And you're the only one who sees behind it. All right, here's the full test. 20 statements. I want you to count how many are true for your current or most recent relationship. This is between you and your truth, and I need you to be honest because nobody's watching. This is just between you and your truth. Section A, the performance, how you've changed. The first statement is, I am less happy, less outgoing, or less myself than I was before this relationship. I change my behavior, mood, or plans based on how they might react. I've stopped doing things I enjoy to avoid their criticism or anger. I find myself rehearsing conversations before I have them, trying to find the safe way to say what I need. My friends or family have told me I've changed, and not for the better. Section B, the mask, how they show up. Number 6, they treat other people significantly better than they treat me. 7, when I describe problems in the relationship, people say, really? They seem so nice. 8, they have a public personality and a private personality, and only I see the private one.
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They take no responsibility when things go wrong. It's always my fault, my sensitivity, or my misunderstanding. 10. They can be incredibly charming one moment and devastatingly cold the next, and the switch seems random. Section C: The Cage— How the Relationship Functions. I feel punished for having my own opinions, plans, friendships, or joy. 12. They sabotage events that matter to me, picking fights before celebrations, ruining holidays, or creating chaos when I'm happy. I feel like a burden, a task, or another shift rather than a beloved partner. Financial decisions, social access, or emotional availability are controlled or weaponized. I've stopped talking about the problems because it never changes anything and sometimes makes it worse. Section D: The Question— Your Internal State. I regularly ask myself, am I the problem? Even though part of me knows I'm not. I've built emotional walls for the first time in my life. Not by choice, but by necessity. I feel like I'm drowning, disappearing, or losing my identity inside this relationship. I stay because I'm afraid of what leaving means— financially, socially, spiritually, or emotionally. Deep down, I know this relationship is not what God, the universe, or my highest self intended for me. So go ahead and count your true statements, and here's what the numbers mean. If you're in the 0 to 4 range, then that's a healthy range. Every relationship has friction. If you're 0 to 4, then you're experiencing normal challenges, not conditioning. So keep communicating and keep growing. The 5 to 9 range, this is the caution zone. You're seeing patterns. Some of these are fixable with communication and counseling, but pay attention. These numbers don't usually stay static. They go up or down. If they're going up, you need to act now and not later. The 10 to 14 range, you're in the danger zone. You are in a relationship that is changing who you are and not for the better. This is active conditioning. You need professional support, a therapist, a counselor, a coach, and you need to start planning your exit strategy. Not someday, but right now. The 15 to 20 range. This is the hostage zone. This is Veronica's zone. Zero out of five on the five C. Three love patterns activated by one person. Your personality is drowning. If you score 15 to 20, I need you to hear me clearly. You are not in a relationship. You are in a hostage situation, and the person holding you hostage. has convinced you that the prison is home. You need to talk to someone, a therapist, a trusted friend, a counselor, a pastor, who will tell you the truth, not just what makes you feel better. And you need to hear what I told Veronica. You are not the problem. You were never the problem. Your light is not too much. His darkness is too deep, and you deserve to step back into the sun. Let me answer the question directly. If you're asking, am I the problem? You're almost certainly not. You know why? Because narcissists don't ask that question. People who are actually the problem don't lie awake at night wondering if they're the problem. They don't Google signs I'm a narcissist. They don't take assessments. They don't seek coaching. The fact that you're asking is proof that you're not. Real narcissists, they sleep great. They don't question themselves. They don't feel guilt. They don't lose sleep wondering if they're hurting someone. They just keep hurting that person. So if you're listening to this podcast at midnight, lying next to someone who makes you feel like a burden, the answer is no, you are not the problem. You are the target. And the first step to freedom? Believing that. That wraps week 4 of the Held Hostage miniseries. Veronica's story. A woman who walked into our marriage with zero walls and came out drowning behind the walls of Jericho. A woman who scores 0 out of 5 on the 5C filter. A woman running 3 love patterns simultaneously: performer, the fortress, and the settler. None of which were hers before she said, I do. But here's what I want you to take away from this week. Veronica's story doesn't end here. She came to me for a reason. She's fighting for herself. She's reclaiming her identity. She's learning to stop performing and start living. And if her story resonates with you, your story doesn't end here either. Next week, The Doorway. What happens when you do leave, but you can't close the door? Nancy was married for 7 years, separated for 2 years. She moved out, got her own place, her own car, her own life. But she won't file for divorce. For 2 years, she's been standing in the doorway. One foot out, one foot in. He drives by her house at 6 AM. She still accepts money from him sometimes. She's waiting for a sign from God that says it's okay to let go. But what if God already gave her the sign and she's just too afraid to see it? In week 5, The Doorway, Nancy's story, separated but not free. If you've ever left a relationship physically, but not emotionally, next week is for you. So this is the Held Hostage miniseries. Week 4 was the prison. Week 5 is the escape that isn't. Week 6, we flip the mirror to the male side. So go ahead and subscribe now so you don't miss what comes next. Also, go and check out the blog on intaklife.com. Each episode in the Held Hostage miniseries has its own accompanying blog post that goes deeper into these concepts that we talk here, like narcissistic conditioning, how the doorway is still open and you're not going through. And even in week 4, when we get to the male side of the story, each blog post goes deeper than what I could go on each one of these episodes. So go ahead to the blog. And if you want to go deeper and just learn a little bit more, get a little bit more techniques and strategies to use. Then the blog post will take you deeper. Also, everything I did for Veronica—identifying three love patterns, scoring the 5C, mapping her emotional DNA—the intact assessment does this as well. You can either get your free results, which just going to give you a snapshot of everything, or you can pay the twenty bucks and you can see everything. It'll show you your five pillar score, identify your love pattern, reveal your life mode, and show you exactly where you are and where you need to go. Because remember, Veronica was only 4 out of 10, and Nancy, she's also 4 out of 10. But their numbers aren't your numbers. What's your number? So go ahead and find out before the next episode exactly what your number is. Remember, always going live on TikTok and Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, wherever streaming is. You'll catch me live doing live assessments. I'm coaching someone through their love pattern in real time. If you want to be the next week's guest, then show up and raise your hand. And if we get to you, you'll be on there and you'll be one of our guests. The bravest thing you can do is let someone see you clearly. 8:00 PM, be there. I'm Shamsudin and this is Intact Life. Veronica, if you're listening, the walls of Jericho came down and so will yours. To everyone else, share this episode, tag someone who needs it, and remember, you are not the problem. You never were. I'll see you Monday. We're going through the doorway.
First they want to see me fall, see me break, see me crawl. Never want to see me whole, truth untold. But now I speak so you That's the same path you gonna walk. From broken to unbreakable, from loss to legacy talk. Intact life, we map the journey. Seven loops, five modes, five pillars. No attorney break your loop, build your love. This is how we rise above. Shamsuddin Hakim. Intact life podcast.
