"Who Should The Orphaned King Date?"

She was perfect for him on paper. Tonya was 31. She was smart. She was independent. She was driven. She had her own career, her own apartment, her own goals. And when she met Derrick, she thought, finally, a man who works as hard as I do. Derrick, he was a performer. He showed up with flowers. He planned elaborate dates. He remembered every single detail that she mentioned, and he was very attentive. He was generous and was always doing more. And Tonya, she loved it. She'd say things like, wow, you work so hard for us. Or she'd say, you're amazing. And Derrick would beam and then work even harder because he wanted to keep that smile on her face and keep hearing those things that she loved that he was doing. And he would continue to do more and to give more. But 6 months in, Derrick was exhausted. He was running on empty, but he couldn't even stop because every time he slowed down, Tonya would say, what's wrong? You're not yourself. And what she meant was that, yo, Derrick, you're not performing. So Derrick performed until he collapsed. Burnout, anxiety, health scare at 34. And when he finally said, I need to rest, I can't keep doing this, Tonya said, I didn't sign up for this version of you. So what Tonya do? She left. Not because Derrick stopped loving her, but because he stopped performing for her. And Derrick called me. He said, I thought I found the right person. What happened? I had to let Derrick know straight up. You know, Derek, she wasn't the right person. She was the right audience. And when you stopped performing, she stopped watching. Last episode, you met Cedric, the performer who found the right match. Today, I'm going to show you the difference. What makes someone a match that heals your loop versus a match that feeds it? I'm Shamsudin, and this is The Intact Life. And let's find your match.

Intact Life. First they want to see me fall, see me break, see me crawl. Never want to see me whole, truth untold. But now I speak, so you gonna feel it all. I'm the presence in the room. I don't just speak, I command your presence, demand excellence. Breathe fire with reckless reverence, planted in the best soil, deep like ancestral truth. Try to form my But you could never reroute me. I'm still here. Congratulate me. Survived it all. Wore it like a suit and walked through hell with a heaven-bound boot. That's the same path you gonna walk. From broken to unbreakable. From loss to legacy. Talk intact life. We mapped the journey. Seven loops, five modes, five pillars. No attorney. Break your loop. Build your love. This is how we rise. Shamsuddin Hakim, Intact Life Podcast. Welcome to the session. Let's go.

Welcome back to the Intact Life. I'm Shamsuddin. In episode one, we gave you the seven pattern loops. Episode two, we went deep on Cedric, the performer who found the right match. But here's what I didn't tell you. For every Cedric, there are 10 Derricks. People who do the work, they identify their loop, they understand their wound, and then choose someone who triggers it all over again. Performers choosing people who need their performance. Fixers choosing broken people they think they can save. Chasers choosing emotionally unavailable partners who make them prove their worth. The inner work matters, but it's only half the equation. The other half? Choosing differently. Because here's the truth. You can't break your loop with a partner who feeds it. Cedric's fiancée doesn't applaud his martyrdom, she challenges it. Tanya, she needed Derrick's performance. When it stopped, she left, and that's the difference between a match that heals and a match that feeds. So today I'm answering the question everyone's been asking— who should the Orphan King date? What does a good match look like for a performer, for a fixer? What are the green flags, the red flags, and how do you know if someone will help you break your loop or keep you stuck in it forever? This is practical, This is actionable. This is dating intelligence. So let me tell you about Cedric's fiancée. I didn't actually coach her. I only coached him. But from what Cedric shared, here's what I know. She's in legacy mode, just like him. She's not exploring. She's not healing. She's ready. Ready to build, ready to marry, ready to create something that lasts. That's match number 1. Align dating modes. If Cedric was in legacy mode and she was in exploring mode, that's straight up disaster. He'd be trying to build, she'd be trying to figure things out. The place where they are and the pace they would go at individually would make them a mismatch. But they're both in legacy mode. That's foundational. She has her own life. She's not codependent. She's not waiting for him to complete her. She has her career, her goals, her own identity. That's match number 2. She doesn't need him to overfunction. Here's why this matters. The performer is attracted to people who need their People say, you're my hero, I don't know what I'd do without you. But Cedric's fiancée, she'd be fine without him. She chooses him. That's different. She doesn't need him to save her. She wants him to build with her. That's a green flag for a performer. She challenges his martyrdom, his sacrifices, so it's not in vain and he isn't able to enjoy it. Cedric said something that stood out to me. She's been waiting for me to schedule that doctor's appointment. You hear that? She didn't enable his I'll deal with it in a few months excuse. She didn't say, oh, you're busy, so I understand. She wanted him to take care of himself. She was relieved when he did. That's match number 3. She doesn't validate his self-sacrifice. A bad match for a performer is someone who says, wow, you work so hard for us. You're amazing. A good match, someone who says, I love you. And I need you to take care of yourself, not just for you, for us. She's holding him accountable without mothering him. That's the balance a performer needs. So let's zoom out a little bit. Cedric found a great match, but what if you're a performer and you're not engaged yet? What should you look for? Here are the 3 best match types for a performer. Match number 1 is the secure attachment. This is the ideal match, and here's what they look like. They have their own life, their own career, their own hobbies, their own friends. They don't need you to complete them. They communicate clearly. No games, no guessing. You know exactly what they're saying and how they're saying it and what they want and need. They can receive your love without becoming dependent on it. They celebrate your rest, not just your achievements. Why it works? The Performer needs someone who says, I appreciate what you do for me, but I love you for who you are, not what you do. Secure attachments don't need your performance. They want your presence. That's the antidote to the performer loop. Some of the green flags you can look out for is they say, you don't have to do all that, I just want you. They initiate care for you, not just receiving your care. They're comfortable with interdependence, not independence or codependence. Red flags are if they start over-relying on you, the performer loop activates. If they can't receive your care gracefully, they feel guilty. You'll overgive to soothe their guilt. Match number 2, the healed settler is a good match. What they look like is they've done the work, they've done therapy, self-reflection, and they're experiencing growth. They used to settle, but now they know their worth. They're looking for partnership, not rescue. They can receive care without becoming passive. They know how to say, thank you, I've got it from here. Why it works. The settler used to accept less than what they deserve, but the healed settler now knows their worth. They appreciate what you do, but they don't let you do everything. They say, I see you, I appreciate you. Now let me take care of you. That interrupts the performer loop. Green flags you should look for is that they're grateful but not dependent. They reciprocate care and they don't just receive it. They have boundaries. They'll say, I can handle this. You rest. Red flags are if they're unhealed settler energy, is still accepting scraps. You'll overgive to fill the void they're seeking. If they're too passive, you'll perform to compensate. Match number 3 is the intentional dater. This is a solid match. Now what you need to look for is that they're purposeful about what they want. They're not playing games or seeing what happens. They communicate their needs clearly. They're looking for partnership and not perfection. They value effort, but also value your rest. Why are The intentional dater isn't just drifting. They're building, just like you. They want a partner who's aligned on values, goals, and their pace. And because they're intentional, they'll tell you, you, when you're over-functioning. They'll say, hey, I didn't ask you to do all that. What do you need? That's the interruption the performer needs. Here's some of the green flags. They ask, what do you need? Not just, what can you do for me? They're comfortable with vulnerability. And they share their needs. They value balance, work and rest, effort and ease. Some of the red flags are if they're too focused on the future, they're always planning and never present. You'll perform to keep up. If they're rigid about roles, what they believe men should do and what they believe women should do, then you'll over-function to prove your masculinity or your femininity. The bottom line for performers is you need someone who has— one, has their own life so you don't feel responsible for their happiness. Who appreciates your effort but doesn't require it. They love you, not your productivity. 3, they reciprocate care. They give back so it's not one-sided. 4, they challenge your sacrifices and martyrdom. They say, I need you to rest, instead of, you're such a hard worker. If someone checks all 4, then that's your match. Now let's talk about who you should avoid, because some people will activate your performer loop and keep you stuck. Here are the 3 worst match types for a performer. Worst match number 1 is the taker. This is a very toxic match. What they look like is they expect your over-functioning, they don't reciprocate care, and they say that's just what a good partner does. They guilt you when you don't perform. They'll say something like, I thought you loved me. They're never satisfied. You give 90%, but they want 100%. Why is toxic? The taker feeds your performer loop. They love that you overgive. They encourage it. They need it. And when you try to pull back, they make you feel like you're failing. That's not a partnership. That's exploitation. Red flags you should look out for is they rarely say thank you. Your effort is They don't ask about your needs. They only care about their own needs. They get upset when you rest. They'll ask you something like, why are you being lazy? They compare you to others, saying things like, my friend's boyfriend does this, or my friend's boyfriend does that. What happens is that you burn out, you build resentment, you lose yourself, and eventually you explode, or they leave you for someone who gives even more. They avoid intimacy. you in the relationship at all costs. Worst match number 2 is the entitled. This is also a toxic match. What they look like is they believe they deserve your sacrifice. They don't see your effort as love. They see it as duty. They say that's what men or women are supposed to do. They keep score. They'll say something like, I did this, so you should do that. They never feel like you've done enough. Why is toxic? The entitled will never validate your performance because no matter what you do, it's never enough. There's always more that they want you to do. You're not their partner, you're their servant. Red flags you should keep an eye on is they use gender roles to justify your over-functioning, saying something like, real men provide. They dismiss your exhaustion. They'll say, everyone's tired, that's life. They don't celebrate your wins, they only criticize your losses. They threaten to leave if you don't meet their standards. You perform harder and harder and harder until you Or they leave anyway because you weren't enough, and they run. They run very fast from the relationship. Worst match number three is the passive. Now this match right here is a very draining match. What they look like is they don't take initiative. You have to plan everything. They don't contribute equally. You carry the load. They say whatever you want. No opinions, no input, no nothing. They just leave it all on you. They're comfortable with you doing everything and they don't feel guilty. They're grateful, but that's all they are. Why is draining? The passive isn't malicious. They're just passive. They love that you take charge. They appreciate it. They say thank you, but they never step up. So you become the leader, the planner, the provider, the caretaker. And over time, you're exhausted and lonely because you don't have a partner. You have a dependent. Now, here's the red flags. They rarely initiate, whether it's dates, conversations, or care. They defer to you on everything. They'll say things like, you decide, what do you want to do? They're comfortable with imbalance. They don't offer to help. They say you're so good at it as a way to avoid doing it themselves. What happens is you build resentment. You feel alone in the relationship. You start wondering, would they even function without me? And the answer is probably not. That's not love, that's caretaking. So what they do is that they avoid. Now let's talk about the Fixer, because Cedric isn't just a Performer, he's also a Fixer. And Fixers have different compatibility needs. Here are the 2 best match types for a Fixer. Match number 1 is someone who's already whole. This is the ideal match. What they look like is they've done their healing work, therapy, self-reflection, and growth. They're not looking for someone to save them. They have their life together emotionally, financially, and mentally. They're choosing partnership, not needing rescue. They say, I don't need you to fix me. I want you to build with me. Why it works for the fixer is because the fixer is used to dating broken people with potential, but someone who's already whole, that's new to them. At first, the fixer might not feel attracted. No one to save equals there's no spark there because they feel there's nothing they can do for them in the relationship. But over time, they realize this is what partnership feels like— not rescue, but building. Here are some of the green flags I want you to keep an eye on: they have healthy boundaries, they don't trauma dump on date one, they take responsibility for their healing, and they don't blame exes. They're emotionally regulated. They can handle conflict without collapsing. They celebrate your care but don't depend on it. Here's some of the red flags. If they're too independent, won't let you in at all, you'll feel unnecessary. If they're avoidant, they can't be vulnerable, you'll try to fix their walls. Match number 2 is the healed fixer. This is a mutual understanding. What they look like is they used to be a fixer too, And they get it. They've broken their loop. They no longer date broken people. They're building their own life, not trying to save everyone. They know the difference between care and codependency. They say, I see you trying to fix me. I don't need that, but I see your heart. Why it works: 2 fixers who've healed can build something beautiful because they both understand the wound, the need to be needed, the fear of not being valuable, but they've both learn, I'm enough without fixing anyone. So they meet each other as whole people, not projects. Here's the green flags: they gently call you out, you're over-functioning again. They reciprocate care without becoming a dependent. They celebrate your rest. They know how hard it is for fixers to stop. They're building their own mission, not waiting for you to save them. The red flags are if they relapse into fixer mode, Trying to fix you, it becomes codependent. If they're still carrying everyone else's problems, you'll both burn out. Bottom line for fixers, you need someone who, one, is already whole, not a project. 2, doesn't need you to save them. They choose you and they don't need you. Number 3, reciprocates care. Partnership, not rescue. Number 4, lets you be human, not just a fixer. If someone checks all 4, then that's your match. And here's who fixers should avoid. Worst match is anyone broken. Now, it's already a given that this is a toxic match, and this is what they look like. They have addictions, whether it's drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, sex. They have unhealed trauma. They're still blaming everyone else. Toxic patterns like cheating, lying, manipulation. Emotionally unavailable. They can't give back. Says, no one understands me like you do. Hooks your fixer loop. So you need to watch out for when they say things like that. Why is toxic? This is the fixer's kryptonite. You see their potential, you see their pain, you think, if I just love them enough, they'll heal. If I just stay, they'll change. But here's the truth: you can't love someone into healing. They have to choose it. And most broken people, they're not choosing it. They're choosing you to avoid doing the work themselves. So here's the red flags I want you to look for. They trauma dump on date 1, hooking your empathy. They make excuses for their behavior, saying things like, I've been hurt before. They say you're different from everyone else who gave up on them. They need you more than you want them. They resist therapy growth. I don't need help, I have you. What happens is you give years, they take years. You think you're helping, you're actually enabling them, and eventually they leave you. For someone who doesn't try to fix them, because broken people don't want to be fixed. They want to be accepted, and you can't accept them as they are. You're too busy trying to change them. So I need you to avoid them. I need you to run. I need you to not pass go with them. Okay, so you've heard the story. Now let's make it practical. How do you know if someone is a good match? Here are 5 signs you've found a compatible partner. Sign number 1, you feel safe being unproductive around them. If you're a performer, this is the test. Can you rest in their presence without feeling guilty? Can you say, I'm tired today, I'm not doing anything, and they say, good, rest? If yes, green flag. If they say, really? But we were going to— that's a red flag. Sign number 2, they reciprocate care without being asked. You give, but do they give back? Not because you asked, not because you hinted, but because they see you and they want to care for you too. If yes, that's a green flag. If you're always giving and they're always receiving, that's a red flag. Sign number 3, they challenge your patterns very gently. They say, you're over-functioning again. What do you need? Or they'll say, I didn't ask you to do all that. Why did you? Or they'll say, I love you, but I need you to take care of yourself. If they're calling out your loop with love, not judgment, that's a green flag. If they're enabling it— you're such a hard worker— that's a red flag. Sign number 4, you feel more yourself and not less. After spending time with them, do you feel more energized or more drained? More you or like you're performing? More valued or more useful? If more yourself, that's a green flag. If less yourself, that's a red flag. Sign number 5, they celebrate your growth, not just your grind. Do they celebrate when you rest or only when you work? Set boundaries or only when you say yes? Or do they celebrate you when you take care of yourself or only when you sacrifice for them? If they celebrate your growth, that's a green flag. If they celebrate your grind only, then that's a red flag. So here's what I want you to do. If you're single and looking, take the INTACT assessment. It will tell you your pattern loop, performer, fixer, chaser, or something else. Your dating mode, healing, exploring, intentional, ready, legacy. Your compatibility profile, who you should date, who you should avoid. And you'll get your results in a personalized breakdown. Go to intactlife.com and take the assessment. It takes about 7 minutes. If you're already in a relationship, ask yourself if you're already in a relationship. You can also take the assessment as well. I offer a live coaching assessment right now for couples and married individuals to where it's a 30-minute call where you'll get your results. You'll discover your pattern loop. You also discover your relationship mode, and you'll get your compatibility profile and how you can take steps moving forward. Moving forward to improve your relationship. But I want you to also ask yourself this question if you're already in a relationship. Does my partner help me break my loop or trigger it? Do I feel safe being unproductive around them? Do they reciprocate care or just receive mine? Do they challenge my patterns or enable them? Do I feel more myself with them or less? If the answers are mostly no, you might be in a relationship that's keeping you stuck. And that's hard to hear, I know. But you can't break your loop if your partner is reinforcing it. So here's your choice. Option 1, have the conversation. Tell them what you need. See if they can grow with you. Option 2, if they can't or won't, you might need to let them go. Because the right person won't make you choose between them and your healing. They'll be part of your healing. That's compatibility. Take the assessment at intaklife.com. And if you want me to walk you through your results personally, Finally, upgrade to the full INTAK assessment. This also comes with a 15-minute coaching call for $20. I'll tell you exactly who you should date and who you should avoid. And next week we're starting a new series, the 7 Pattern Loops, where we're going to do deep dives. In episode 4, we're going to deep dive into the chaser. And if you've ever chased someone who pulled away, then that episode is definitely for you. So subscribe, follow me on TikTok and Instagram. I'm Shamsudin and this is the INTAK Life. Break your loop, build your love, and I'll see you next week.

First they want to see me fall, see me break, see me crawl. Never want to see me whole, truth untold. But now I speak, so you gonna feel it all. I'm the From loss to legacy, talking tag life. We map the journey. Seven loops, five modes, five pillars. No attorney. Break your loop, build your love. This is how we rise above.