#023 The Perfectionism Trap with Dominic Mitges

Hi, it's Sheryl here. I am just writing some notes down on my pad over here. I'm gonna have to share this information with you in another video sometime. Welcome to Personal Brand Breakthrough. Every Thursday I go live right here on my Facebook page, and today is no exception. So today we're talking about how perfectionism is holds you back in business. I am a video marketing strategist and I help businesses to make money with online video. However, we all suffer from some level of perfectionism. We all want to put our best foot forward. So today I have a really interesting interview with Dominic Mitches, who is a communications and listening expert, and he's going to guide us through how we can let go, finally let go, of our sense of perfectionism. So, I'm really glad that you're here for today's interview. It's not a long interview but it's an interview that actually reveals some pretty personal information about both Dominic and I. So, I hope that you enjoy today's interview. Let's get started. Okay, so let's dive in. We've got Dominic Mitches with us today. He is a communications expert and listening expert. And Dominic and I had recently a little bit of a back and forth via email actually, but some really interesting insights around perfectionism. So I decided to bring Dominic on today to talk about some of that. Dominic, welcome to Personal Brand Breakthrough.

Thanks, Cheryl. Thanks for having me. I'm happy to be here.

And Dominic, I wanted to dive into this idea of perfectionism. I know you work a lot with coaches in the realm of communication and listening because of the connection that that has to building the know, like, and trust factor. And so coaches in particular, or really any entrepreneur who is putting themselves out there, is trying to put out an image. And sometimes I think that we try to put out that image of everything is perfect, everything is in line, nothing is awry. And I think that it's, it's an illusion. Don't you agree?

Yeah, I agree 100%. It totally is. Um, You know, for me, I believe that perfectionism and the image of being perfect, it's boring and it's completely unrelatable. You know, we, we love a rags to riches story, right? And we think that especially as coaches, we think that if we put out this image that we have it all together and that we're perfect, it's going to entice people to be drawn to us and ask us, you know, how did you do it? But I find it's actually quite the opposite because there's nothing relatable about being perfect because nobody sees themselves as perfect. We're all our biggest critics. And so it's actually intimidating sometimes to look at people who we believe are perfect and have it all together and it makes us become even more critical about ourselves. But if we look at somebody who is very comfortable in talking about their scars, and talking about their past and talking about their, you know, quote unquote imperfections, then it's so relatable and it almost gives us that permission to feel good and to be accepting of our own scars and to recognize that, okay, you know, nobody's perfect. Because like I said, perfection really isn't relatable. And I think the other thing too is that Perfectionism is a mask for fear. You know, when I was writing my first book, it had to be perfect. In my mind, it had to be perfect. And so I started to really think about, well, why, why does it have to be perfect? And what does perfect mean? And for me, it had to be perfect, I realized, in doing some self-analysis, because If it wasn't perfect, then people wouldn't like it. And if people didn't like my work or my product or my service, that it means they don't like me and it makes me feel alienated and ostracized.

Yeah, I think you're totally on to something there. It is stem— it does stem from fear. And we have this, I think, as entrepreneurs or especially maybe in the coaching field, we want so much to be liked. We want everyone to like us. And the number one rule of marketing is you're not going to please everyone. So kind of getting that into your head that it's actually okay to turn people off. You do want to do that from a marketing perspective because you want to draw in your tribe, but you also want to, um, you know, turn your non-ideal people away from you because there's somebody who's perfect for them out there somewhere. So I think as we look at how that ties into entrepreneurship, that's probably where it stems from, right? We want we want to be able to give our services out to everyone, so we want everyone to like us, when in fact all we really need to do is have a tribe of people who kind of get us. I wonder sometimes too, Dominic, if, do we run the risk of going too far with that, in the sense of being too vulnerable and being too out there? Is there a line, and what line is that?

Yeah, I agree with that 100%. There is most definitely a delicate balance. You know, we want to make sure that we're still being appropriate. We want to make sure that we're still being professional, but it is absolutely essential for us to, you know, communicate that rags-to-riches story, communicate that past, because that's what people connect with is our imperfections or, you know, those experiences. You may have had an experience and I may have had an experience that were similar. They weren't exactly the same, but maybe we connect with the feelings and how we viewed the experience, our perspectives. Um, so it is important to communicate that, but yeah, it is a delicate balance where that line is drawn. I don't know. I think that comes down to a couple of things. I think that comes down to whether what you're disclosing is relevant and helpful for your clients, for your audience. And I think it also comes down to, you know, what that line is for you, how comfortable you are in how far you go with what you disclose. Because yeah, as much as we want to tell people that we have a past like everyone else and we have things that you know, we wish hadn't happened or experiences that we've learned from. There is still, there are still things that are personal and we want to keep them personal. So I think it's up to each person to determine where that line is.

Yeah. And so you're right. So it's probably a personal choice to decide where that is. The relevancy piece is interesting because a lot of coaches would say, well, my personal life is not relevant to my business. But I would say contrary to that, a lot of the things that happen to you personally are relatable to business. I wonder if we could even brainstorm a couple of examples of that right now. Like, do you have any that come to mind?

Well, I know for me, one of the things is when I lost my father to suicide. And there was— I mean, talk about dealing with perfectionism. You know, I come from an old school, very old school European background. When my dad died, I was 19, so we're going back about 13, almost 14 years, and there wasn't the same acceptance. There wasn't the same information as there is now. Even though it's not that long ago, things were different, and so there was a lot of stigma. I grew up in a family where, being old-school European and being Catholic, it was you never do or say anything to give anybody anything bad to say about you or the family, which is a tall order because people talk, right? Like, that's just the way it is. So for me, when, you know, I kind of let go of some of that shame and some of that stigma and started talking to people about it, people became so much more drawn to my work and what I do because I wasn't, and I think this is the key maybe, is that I wasn't just talking about it to satisfy my own need to open up to people. You know, I wasn't doing it for my own therapeutic reasons. That was something that I took on personally and dealt with personally and behind closed doors. But the interest that I had in sharing this was in communicating to people that they're not alone. Because I know how alone you can feel when you're going through that. Letting people know it's okay, letting people know it's not their fault, and then tying it back into my business and my job because, you know, people really don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. And the whole reason I'm in the communications and listening business and why I have dedicated my life and career to it and to helping those develop it for themselves is because after my father passed away, I decided I wanted to help people who, uh, you know, like my father, who— so they and their families didn't have to experience what mine did. And so I started doing a lot of volunteering in mental health, and it involved a lot of active listening and communication and, and that kind of stuff. And the way it transformed my personal and my professional life was amazing. Um, and I knew that everybody needed this and it would really, really benefit a lot of people in a lot of businesses. So to be able to disclose that part of me that I was so ashamed of for a long time and harbored a lot of guilt and resentment over, to be able to talk about it in a way that put others who had experienced the same thing at ease, but then to tie it back into why I do what I do. Now people go, yeah, I totally get it. And you have more buy-in because you're coming across as a coach or, you know, somebody's providing a service or a product because you believe in it and because you believe it's beneficial for other people. And people can see that and people can feel it versus I'm doing this for the money.

Yeah. It's like that adage, turn your mess into your message. And I think that when you can turn what is obviously, you know, a terrible situation and turn that into how do I serve others through this? And I think that's really the path that you've taken and now here you are. And you're not leveraging that, that's just what it is, that's just reality, but now you're using that message to help others. And I think that's really where it comes from. So Dominic, thank you so much for spending some time with us today to talk about this idea of perfectionism. I think a lot of I think a lot of coaches and a lot of entrepreneurs could benefit from what you've just shared, you know, something very personal, and we appreciate your vulnerability there, but that we all have a past, right? We all have something that we're ashamed of, and sometimes I think if we dig a little bit deeper and we realize that that thing that we're ashamed of is probably the thing we should be talking more about. So thank you so much for being here today. How can people contact you?

You can find me on Instagram. I'm @DominicMitchis. You can find me on Twitter, you can find me on Facebook, all the same handle, and you can find me at my website, www.dominikmitches.com.

Alright, thank you so much, Dominik, for being on Personal Brand Breakthrough this week. We really appreciate your insights. Connect with Dominik. I mean, if you really want to learn more about how to communicate, especially through the art of listening, which is interesting, we talk a lot about talking, but listening is his specialty. He will set you on the right path toward utilizing listening skills to make more money in your business. Thank you so much for being here, and I'll see you next week.