3. Why I walked out barefoot and didn’t come back

Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rawlinson, ADHD brain medicated, mind, and proud mental health hospital alumni. Still here, still showing up somehow. This is the space for the feelers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection, and everything in between, because silence, violence nearly killed me, and these conversations save lives. All right, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi contained, let's get honestly mental. So in this episode, we're going to talk about why this space matters and why I am done pretending. I was probably done pretending a little while ago, but anyway. All right, so, guys, let's chat a little bit more about the community, about the big vision, and how honestly grateful I am to have you here in this space with me. Because if it wasn't for you guys. And I feel like I'm just saying this to, like, probably my only two listeners, and to be honest, they're probably my best friends, or it's actually Laura who's doing the editing for me. Like, if it's any more than that, fuck. Thank you. So I built this space because I really couldn't find one like it. There's lots of spaces out there and lots of people out there that are like, I'm a life coach and I've definitely been down this path before. So if you've been following along for a while, you know, I've kind of dabbled with, like, coaching and wanting to be a doula and, like, trying to help people with their business, be an online business manager and all of these things. And I remember talking to Courtney. Shout out to Courtney from Seeking Wilder. She's my astrologist and she's fucking amazing. She's one of my tools in my toolbox of my support. And one of my other friends thinks it's absolutely hilarious because I'll be sitting here talking about, like, dead serious stuff, whether it's building Ops, talking about HR, business structure, all of these, you know, marketing and stuff like that. And then I'll come out with, well, my astrologist actually said to me that I'm in my chiron season and blah, blah, blah, blah. So this currently means X, Y, Z, or in my human design, I'm a generator and I have an open throat, which means. And she's just like, dude, you clearly are adhd. I was like, oh, yeah. So for me, this space is not about fixing. It's not about telling you how. These are your 10 steps, how to build boundaries and how to do these hard conversations and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This podcast is about really honoring you and that space of where you're at and helping you build your toolbox and helping you find the support that you need. I created She's Honestly Mental was funny because, like, you can scroll back through my Instagram. I've probably had it for about eight or nine years, and it's gone from selling Doterra essential oils to being a hypnobirthing practitioner, to being a doula, to then kind of just being a personal blog where I just openly spoke about my mental health. And then I was like, oh, hang on a minute. I want to be a va. I want to be an online business manager. So, like, let's just switch gears and all these other things. And I remember when we had our third baby. So we've got three boys, 12, 10, and two and a half, and holy shit, Love these guys so much, but they are my biggest teachers. I tell you what, I was sitting there breastfeeding my third baby, and I just said to my husband, like, I just had this wild idea. I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm honestly mental. That's it. Honestly Mental. Like, that's the brand. Like, that's my new Instagram handle. I want merch, I want stickers. I want a community. Like, I want all the things. I'm going to be able to help women. I'm going to be able to blah, blah, blah, blah. And, like, dudes. That was two and a half years ago. And we're here now, August 2025, and I'm kind of just beginning now. Like, it's percolating, it's fermenting. This is all in my time. This is all when it feels right. This is not me forcing, because I know when I force, when I try to sell, when I try to be strategic and all these other things, the universe is like, Karina jokes, you have no control over this bitch. You can sit in the passenger seat for a bit and, like, let me take you for a drive. And it's going to be really fucking scenic because we're taking the shortcut these days. We are taking the beautiful winding coastal road through all the mountains. It's probably actually going to make you a little bit caustic. But anyway, it'll just build character. Like I said, I don't know where this is going to go. As someone with verbal diarrhea and Loves a good spiral. I'm trusting the process. So I have one little thing. So we've got the Messy Middle, which is my online community. You can follow the link in my bio in my Instagram at She's honestly mental. But it's a free community. It's built to be able to hold women where they're at. And so the really cool thing that I love about the Messy Middle is we have an offload checklist. So the offload checklist is a way to be able to provide safety for the people participating in the group. And so, like, if you want to vent, you want to be like, oh, my God, my husband's such a jerk. He spilled my milk or whatever. He didn't put the toilet seat down. Like, get that vent. Because, like, just getting it off your chest in a safe place is okay. But it's like, you preface it, you're like, vent incoming. My husband is a jerk. Or my kids, they're so xyz and there's like, zero judgment. We, like, meet you where you're at. You know, everyone's on their own journey. And then by just being like, this is a vent. People can comment lol, same, or like, oh, my gosh, I get it. But it just helps, like, normalize. Like, you're not on your own. But then the other things too is like, you need advice. You're like, hey, I'm chasing advice. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And it then gives safety around the person responding. They're like, oh, this person's just venting. I don't actually need to say anything. Like, they just want a little love heart emoji or something. Or they're actually asking for. How do you build structure in your day? Like, one of the things we struggle with at home is, like, trying to get our boys to do jobs around the house. And one of my friends who's a school psych, she's just an absolute legend. She shared the other day on her Instagram, she's like, I've created a habit tracker for my kids. And since I've changed it from being a chore chart to a habit tracker, the kids are frothing. They're absolutely loving it. And I was like, okay, cool, let me gamify this for my kids. And so I jumped on Canva and a little chatgpt and I gamified this habit tracker for my kids, and I had to sign a little contract, and they earn xp. So if your kids are gamers, you know what it is? I don't even understand some of the things that I put in this little contract for them, but they're frothing over it. And this week I'm away and my husband's at home with them and he's like, they're actually doing it. Someone is the kitchen king for the week, and the other one's a laundry legend for the week. And they're owning those spaces. So it was like, this is what actually works for their brains. So let's be in a space where we find things that work for the brains and like, connecting and collaborating and all of these things is just so important in life. And that's why I really believe that sharing my story is a way to be able to build connection. One of the first stories that I read that helped me go, holy shit, it is not just me is Brene Brown's Braving the Wilderness. She talks about her story of growing up being like the only white girl at an all black school. These kind of things. And like, her naming Brene I fuck. I just love that woman so much. It just really normalized girlhood for me. And then she talks a lot about her relationship with her husband. She speaks so much about shame and how much we like shame on ourselves and like, shame and should are like in the same boat for me. They're like, would you shit on yourself? No. So why are you shoulding on yourself? Like, why are you covering yourself in shame? Like, ew, no, we don't do that here. We don't do that here. We just go, you know what? I'm just in a really shit spot at the moment. Like, no, I should be cleaning the house or I should be folding the washing or blah, blah. Like, we're just like, just honoring where we're at. The washing will be there tomorrow, can be done tomorrow. That's why they invented washing machines, you know? Got to do a rinse cycle three times. Cool. Me too. I'm not the first one, and you're definitely not the first one, and you're definitely not the only one that does that. I couldn't even tell you the amount of times. That's why I've got a laundry legend at home and my kids do a lot of this stuff for me. So that's what the messy middle is about. It's like just honoring that space. We don't need to wear masks here. You don't need to clean up the mess. Like, I'm coming over to your house. Please don't do the dishes. Like, please don't perform for me. We don't do performances Here we just do real. I suppose I want to give a little bit more of a snippet of my second hospital admission. So my second hospital admission was when I was hospitalized in December and I was home just before Christmas. And that was just feel like I was in an alternate universe. I was so heavily medicated, I wasn't functioning like I could do the things, but I just didn't have a lot of brain capacity because the medication had really dulled me out, which is what my body needed at the time. It's like when you break your leg, you put the cast on, you leave the cast on until the leg is healed. At that time, my brain and my body really needed to reset. And that's where the use of medication was so amazing, because it was able to help my body reset, and it gave me the opportunity. This is something I'll talk about a little bit later. We'll talk about, like, neural pathways and all of these really cool things. But it's. If you start to tell yourself the same thing over and over and over again, your body will believe it in its DNA, in its genetics and everything. Like, it truly believes it. And so that's why sometimes when you're saying affirmations like, I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am loved, they make you want to vomit. One really cool little thing that I remember some naturopath homeopath told me about, or kinesiologist, whatever. I, like, I've done all the modalities. I feel like she goes, it's something like, I truly love and accept myself as I am, as I was, and as I always will be. And that was really powerful for me because I was like, huh, I do love myself and it's really big. So, yeah, when those affirmations and stuff like that make you feel, like, gross, or there's no way that that could be true about me. Just like, baby steps, babe. Like, you walk around my house and I've got, like, little sticky notes of like, you can and you can choose, and those things, and they might not feel true or doable in the time, but the more I see them, the more I'm like, oh, actually, yeah, yeah, I remember I've been journaling on and off for the last, I don't know, long time, 10 years, I suppose, and very sporadically. And I've always kind of said to myself, like, I am proud of you. I am super proud of you. Or proud of me. Like, I'm really proud of me for whatever I managed to achieve that day or whatever. I know that I've been able to grow over that period. It's just powerful, the things that you say to yourself. So rewind. I was discharged just before Christmas, 2019, and then New Year's 2020. Like, so January 2020. I managed to convince my husband that even with all of the medication that I'm on, it would be totally okay for me to fall pregnant. Loser. Absolutely. That's a no for me. But I did. I fell pregnant straight away. And I remember flying to Perth to see my psychiatrist for a checkup. I think it was like six weeks after I'd been discharged. And I was like, surprise, I'm pregnant. And honestly, you could have seen her jaw hit the floor. And she's like, karina, no, the medication that you're on could actually cause a spontaneous abortion. And I was like, you know, like, if that's what happens, it's meant to be. I'll be fine. Like, it's God's plan. And so then the next week I went and had a scan and the sonographer was like, look, the baby's a little bit small for the time. Like at the time, like, maybe you're not so far along as you thought. There's no heartbeat there. And I was like, okay, cool, go back in a week and have a scan. And then it like remembered going to the toilet at like 2:30 that afternoon and started bleeding. And I rang the doctor's surgery straight away and my doctor, who used to be an obstetrician, he's like, come down. Went down and he said, look, darl, like, it's not looking great, but these things could happen. We'll just see what happens. And then the next morning I was like, that was it. I lost the pregnancy. And so I remember, honestly, the pain I felt like I was in labor. It was just insane. It was horrible. So I went up to the ED and I got this nurse and she was just like, what's wrong? And I was like, well, I miss Carrie. And she's just, okay, and what's your medical history? And so I just had to tell her about the mental health stuff and blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, okay, well, we'll have to just put that under mental health. Like I'd meet you kind of like bring you in under mental health instead of maternity. And I was like, you're just literally rubbing the salt in the wound. Do you need to like, please just honor where I'm at right now? And I'm really fucking struggling and I'm in a fucking shit ton of Pain. And I'm not okay? It doesn't matter if I'm here for mental health. It doesn't matter if I'm here just because I want to chit chat, like, please don't. I'll preface this in saying, like, not all medical professionals are like that. And I'd like to say there's less medical professionals like that these days than what there was years ago, just because of how openly people talk about mental health these days. So we lost that beautiful baby. And the same time, my husband was like, oh, by the way, I want to start my own business. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, at that time, he was the leading hand for my parents with their earth moving construction business. And literally the day before, things were pretty heated and I was not doing great and something was going on with my eldest and he's had asthma his whole life and he was coughing heaps and I was just in bed, like, melting down, and I yelled at my husband. I'm like, just fucking giving me his medication. And I just hate it when I get like this sometimes. But this is a bit like, of the PTSD stuff. And I was just super fucking triggered, I suppose is the word for it. And I went out there and I grabbed his medicine bag and I threw it so hard against the wall. And of course then the shame spiral hit me and I was like, you're a fucking dickhead. You're an idiot. So I just walked out of the house and I left. And I didn't have my phone on, I didn't have shoes on. And like, this is a thing, like, I grew up with, like, you never left the house with without having shoes on. We don't do that. We are not seen in public without shoes on. And I walked up to the bridge and I kind of just looked and I went, I'm done. And actually just a little bit was like, God, is this it for me? And I kept walking and I walked past friends houses that I know that I could have walked into and asked for help. And I had no idea what was going on. And I know now that they call it disassociated, where you're actually not in your body. And I realize now, obviously, having gone through my mental health, of how often I would disassociate. And it was a lot. I was flying to Perth the next day to see my psychiatrist and go meet with my brother, to meet the bookkeeper and all of the other things. And I just said to myself, like, I went and sat on the beach And I just was like, okay, I'll sleep here the night. I just, I can't go home. I'm done. I don't know what to do. And then I just kind of got up and kept walking and I was like, I really hope no one sees me because I'm actually really fucking crazy right now and I'm like losing my shit. And I walked to my in law's house and I could hear my kids laughing. So I knew my kids were safe. But I also then probably knew that my husband was out looking for me. And I feel so shit about this, but just the whole thing, like, I'm just so grateful for him for someone to love me so deeply when I couldn't love myself, like, fuck, that's the thing, right? And I press my mother in law's like, she's got like this fancy gate thing and I press the like doorbell and I just was like, it's me, can you please take me home? And she's just come out and we've just, she's giving me a hug, we've jumped in the car and she's taking me home to my husband. And my kids had no idea that I was there. And yeah, it just was a lot, like it was a lot. And the next day I jumped on the plane, I flew to Perth, I met with my brother and you know, like we went to the casino and we did all the things, everything was fine. And then the next day when I saw my psychiatrist, I actually had an appointment with a psychologist. And she's like, oh, Karina, I don't really think that you're, you're safe right now and I don't really know if you should be going home. And I was like, oh, no, I'm good. Like I'm fine. Like, let's keep going. And by the time I'd walked from my psychologist office to my psychiatrist office, the psychologist, like, and there's literally like 20 meters between the two of them. The psychologist had rung the psychiatrist and kind of given her a bit of a heads up. I sat down, I spoke to the psychiatrist and she's just like, if you're happy to really think the best thing for you to do is to be readmitted. I was just like, okay, if you say so, and just so fucking grateful. My sister, she worked around the corner and I rang her and I was like, you need to come get me. Please come and get me. Being someone who has always looked after everyone else, I really, really needed someone to hold me. And I think that's what I found so helpful in getting the support that I needed and being in hospital, because I was able to have that space where someone else could look after me and just give me that break from reality for a little bit. And that's why I openly talk about this. Because being in a mental health hospital isn't straight jackets. It's not being in padded rooms. It's group therapy. It's conversations. It's about being held. It's about having access to doctors and specialists and nurses that are trained in holding space for people that are not well. It's just so important that we have these conversations that we normalize them. And I really hope that the people that have supported me and loved me through all of my mess truly know how grateful I am. And I always say those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter. Because the people that I were worried that I was really worried about making judgment of me and all of the rest of it, I actually have learned not to give a fuck about them because the people who truly know me, truly love me and want me to be here. So that's a bit more about my story. And holy shit, when I say I'm grateful to be alive and I'm grateful to be here, I truly, truly mean it. I'm really excited. I'm excited for this podcast. I'm excited to see where She's Honestly Mental lands. I would really love to be able to build a not for profit, one that can help pay for women who can't afford to get the support that they need. And I really hope that by the time I actually leave this planet, leave this universe, leave this world, that prioritizing your mental health is just as normal as prioritizing your physical health. I hope that as my children grow up, it's completely normal to discuss things and to be like, hey, I'm actually really struggling. And to be met with empathy instead of judgment. How amazing. Thanks for joining me for another episode of She's Honestly Mental. Make sure you jump into my Instagram and check out the links in my bio, because if you haven't actually already stalked me on socials, you're missing out because my content's so funny. But I've got the messy middle, which is the group. It's free. Did I mention that it's actually for free? Because I'm not here to make money off of this. Anything that I make off of She's Honestly Mental or anything is actually going to be put aside for funding my not for profit eventually. So that's like I say, my big scary, audacious goal, the one that makes me want to spew, but the one that I feel like I've been put on this planet to do. And I really, really hate selling to people. It's gross. Did I tell you I also do the Chaos Letters? Anyway, so the Chaos Letters is like a one time kind of once a week, maybe twice a week, once every second week, whenever I feel like it. I just have this chaos that's in my brain that I kind of like voice note and then drop it into an email and send it out. So come hang out at the Messy Middle. Subscribe to the Chaos Letters and keep listening. Thanks for joining. Thanks for hanging out with me on She's Honestly Mental. If today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale, come say hi over at Instagram. She's honestly Mental. Or send this to someone who needs to hear that they're not alone. And if you haven't yet, hit that follow button so the next episode lands in your messy feed right where it belongs. Until next time, take care of your brain. You're not broken, you're just honestly mental. And all the best people are.