4. ADHD and that constant need to please

Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rawlinson, ADHD brain medicated, mind and proud mental health hospital.

Alumni still here, still showing up somehow. This is the space for the feelers.

The fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection, and everything in between, because silence nearly killed me and these conversations save lives. All right, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi contained, let's get honestly mental.

Welcome to episode four of She's Honestly Mental. Far out. This week has been nuts. It's been so amazing. My birthday was on Monday, so thanks for all the birthday wishes. And on Monday, I launched the podcast, which was flipping exciting. I definitely didn't feel like I did my best influencer self and smashed the publicity out of it and all the rest of it, but, you know, you got what you got and that was me being myself. I feel really overwhelmed. Overwhelmed in so many different ways. Shapes, forms, all the rest of it. Because I had a podcast before and I did it all myself before, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform and to do it all really well. So the things that I've done this time around, that's a bit different to when I first launched the Real Womanhood Life. My OG podcast is I've really made the investment in getting people who are really good to do the things to do the things for me. And yeah, it's definitely cost us a little bit of money, but I fully believe in the purpose and in what I'm doing and I know how much of a change that it's going to make for people. And if it sends me broke doing that, I actually do not care. And I'm pretty lucky too, because my husband has been so supportive of this. So huge shout out to Jared. I'm very grateful for you, but I wanted to start off today with a little story about this thing that they talk about with ADHD called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Never heard of it before until obviously I got diagnosed last year. And it makes a lot of sense for my brain. So even as someone who is medicated, someone who knows the things and has the conversations and has the diagnosis and all of the rest of it, this shit still goes on in my brain. And last year for I'm in the race go Karts. My kids race go Karts and I am the secretary for our local club. And I'm also sitting on the executive board for Karting WA as well. And so, you know, pretty good at what I do. But at the same time, last year at our local club, agm, I was sitting there doing my job and doing all the things, making sure all the stuff was documented, making sure all of the transcripts were right, making sure all of the I's were dotted and the T's were crossed and that the grammar was perfect. Because when you're doing these roles, you are responsible for making sure that the stuff happens properly. And for someone with adhd, these kind of roles are actually really good. However, you do tend to take on a lot of stuff, and you take on the pressure and sitting there doing my work. And then I bring up one of the subjects that we had on the agenda, and this guy gets up and he starts yelling at me. He's like, you've turned this into the Karina show, and you're just doing everything and you're not, blah, blah, blah, letting anyone help. And I just. I stopped and I looked at him and I said, are you actually serious? Is that really? And he just kept going. And then there were people behind him that also kept going. And I just. Just couldn't believe it for a second. I just. I don't know. Even now, it still makes me really feel yuck and horrible. But I walked out. I said, I just need a minute. I need to recollect my thoughts and I will come back and we will reconvene. And so I walked outside, and my husband actually followed me, and so did a couple of other people. And one of the guys walked up to me and just gave me this gigantic hug. And he goes, karina, you don't need that. Like, you don't deserve to be spoken to like that. You've done an amazing job. They should be really grateful for having you here, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, wow, thank you so much. Like, I don't do it for the praise, obviously, but I do do it because I like to know that things are done properly. And so while I'm doing this, my husband comes up to me and he goes, babe, we're going home. And I went, oh, and our kids were supposed to be racing straight after this meeting. And he goes, no, babe, we're going home. We're out. And I thought, all right, sure. Jarrad has made the call. We are going home. And for those that know him, know that he's just. He's 6 foot 4. Like, he's built like fucking brick Shit house, as they say. Like, he's huge, but he's soft as. Like if you had an argument or a fight, he is not the person that you want in your corner. Cause he's just gonna be like, oh, nah, nah, like not gonna. I don't wanna hurt anyone. So no thanks. He's just a big softie and we love him for that. And so when he says we're going home, I know that means that we're going home. So packed the kids carts up, we came into town and I just was in a daze. And I think I remember it was like 35 degrees or something like that. And we ended up going around to my dad's house. He's got a pool and we just hung out with our family for the rest of the afternoon and it was just beautiful. So anyway, fast forward. I'm actually still the secretary of the Cart Club and I'm still out there doing my job. Because there was a meeting after and the committee got together and they said, look, Karina, like, we don't condone the behavior that's happened and we want you to know that you really support it and that we really appreciate everything that you do. And it was just. It was nice. And we made the decision as a family to stick there and stay there. And we've just kept going because that's what the club needed. They needed someone with my skills and that's what I've provided. And look, if there's anyone else and wants to do my job, feel free. But until then, I shall continue. But funny though. So we were out at the track on the weekend and we were mowing the lawns and the same people that were at the meeting that kind of lost their shit. And look, we've talked about it and we've apologized and things, but when things like this happen, significant events where your emotions are really heightened, it actually imprints on you at a genetic level. And this is where they talk about trauma. But for me, it's this constant thought pattern of, am I upsetting someone? Am I pissing someone off? Should I be doing something else? Would they rather me doing it a different way? Like, until someone actually tells me, this is what I need you to do. I constantly question, am I doing the right thing? And it is a pain in the ass. And on the weekend I'm out there and I'm mowing the lawns and someone else was spraying and I'm thinking to myself, shit, do they really want me to be mowing right now? Like, should I not be mowing right now. Am I mowing over something they've already sprayed? It just was this constant. Just didn't stop chattering for so long. And it just. It just got me. I thought, what the fuck is wrong with my brain? Even though I've got all the medication, even though I've done a lot of skills and training and therapy and all the things, like, these things still happen. But something that I've learned is a. I can now name it, I can say I have adhd. And when these things happen and I'm constantly questioning my worth because of the fear of being rejected, I'm like, oh, it's this RSD rejection sensitivity dysphoria. And it really fucking just grinds my gears sometimes. But I think now that I've got something and I can go, oh, it's actually not me. Like, sure, it's my body and my brain, but it's not me. Like, it's a part of the ADHD and a part of the ADHD is the rejection sensitivity. Okay, cool. It's just my brain being really noisy. That's not actually the truth. And even this last week, my husband and I, we've been away to these new to gate field days to go and try and sell some tractors and sprayers and mowers. And it was a really great time that it was just Jared and I and all the blokes, the dealers for the different brands that we sell, we all get in together and we do it as a team, which is just so lovely not having to be on your own. And there is literally only so much tractor shit talk that I can listen to before you start to lose your mind a little bit. And so I found myself being like, oh, does Jared actually want me here? Does Jared really want me around right now? Like, maybe I should have just stayed home. And then also there was this bit of a disaster with the kids in daycare and them getting looked after. And, you know, my normal kind of, like, care was that my stepmom would have the kids, but she got really sick and, you know, we had a plan B and a plan C and all of the rest of it and there just was all this other shit and I just had this mum guilt of I should have just stayed home, should have stayed home, been a mum and done all the things. But the thing with our business is that Jared and I, we do the sales stuff together because I can talk underwater and he is not so confident. And so it's funny in these times where you're like, well, I'm Gonna have to put myself out there because I'm gonna have to talk to people. Otherwise I can't sell anything that the rejection sensitivity isn't there. And it's just really, really weird because I'm like, oh, well, I've got to do this anyway. And it just comes down to those different stories that we're telling ourselves. So how fun is learning about your brain and all of the different pieces? Like, it just actually drives me crazy sometimes. With the podcast, I'm so grateful. I think when we checked yesterday, I was sitting at like, 102 or 103 in the charts with mental health, and I think I should be cheering myself on about that. But then I'm like, oh, it's only 103. It's only 102. Like, why am I not doing better? What the heck, guys? Look what I'm doing. It's amazing. And then I'm getting these messages. Like, these messages are insane. They're just, keep going, team. Like, keep going, Karina. Don't stop. What you're doing is amazing. We're so proud of you. We've listened to the first three episodes. We want more. And I think, fuck, what if I can't do more? What else do I have to talk about? Like, what if I'm talking about the same things all the time and it's just these stories that I keep telling myself that is just bullshit. It's just a story. I've got to remind myself it's just a story. And the stories that go into my brain are not necessarily true. There's no evidence. But it's funny when we talk about evidence, because it's like, if you decide that you're a really shit person, you're going to continually look for the evidence of you being a really shit person. And because that's what you're specifically looking for, that's what you're gonna find. So it's like, close your eyes. Imagine that you're sitting in a room and you can see all of this amazing blue stuff. Like, I want you to tell me about all of the blue things in that room. And then now I want you to open your eyes, and I need you to tell me about the brown things that were also in that room. You saw them, right? No. No, because we're just focusing on the blue things. And so the more you begin to focus on the things that you believe is true, the less that you're able to see the things that. That make up the whole picture, make up the whole context. Because yeah, there's just so much more to it. And I find something that helps me get through the days is to just start focusing on the other things. And it's like, okay, well, I know that my stories are telling me at the moment that I'm a really shit person, but actually just, you know, like my kids are still alive and they're still breathing. That can't make me a shit person. And it's noticing those little things and I like to call them glimmers, like to focus on the little glimmers of the things that have made me happy that day. And sometimes, you know, if we sit down around the kitchen table and trust me, we do not do that very often because we're just stoked. But when we sit down around the table with the kids and we're like, okay, tell us your three favorite things. Three things that made you smile and be happy today. And it's those little glimmers, those opportunities where you actually stop and think about the beautiful things. And I'm sure now if you were to close your eyes and think about the brown things in the room or the pink things in the room, you'd be able to see them. I mean, open your eyes and look around. There's so many different colours. Rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria can go suck a fat one. But some little facts about it is that it is nearly universal in adhd. So women or anyone with ADHD will more than likely have some form of this rejection sensitivity, dysphoria. I mean, jump on TikTok, on Instagram, have a scroll, Pinterest, all the rest of it, it will just shows you so many different things about all of the different diagnoses and things that kind of go hand in hand. But one of the biggest things is, is that RSD is amplified by trauma. So when I put myself back into a situation where I've been verbally abused and I choose to go back in there, I am more likely to have experiences of RSD because of what's happened in the past. What I do is as I go out into those situations and I go, okay, this has happened before. This is the old story and we're building a new one. Because I can actually tell you that that person and I are both very similar and we are both working really hard to find ways to come together, to really work through and find we've got a very joint sense of purpose around the cart club and what we're trying to achieve. And we're both very hot headed and we're both trying to work through it. But we're just like, let's get through this. It's really hard for someone with RSD because you are going to perceive the rejection and the criticism even when none is intended. And I'm sure you can think of plenty of times, and I do this all the time, where my verbal diarrhea has diarrheaed and shit's come out of my mouth, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, I never meant that. I never, ever meant that. And it's really hard because when you're trying to talk to someone else or explain yourself to someone else, no one sees the same thing in the world. No one sees the same thing at all for a second. So imagine there's 2 million little matchsticks and they're all dropping. You only see 24, and then the person next to you out of the 2 million will see another 24. And so what we're seeing throughout the world is actually never the same of what someone else is seeing. So it comes really down to perspective. And if someone has taken what you've said the wrong way, sometimes you have to take accountability, for maybe you have actually said it the wrong way, but you're not going to be able to take it back. All you can do is, I believe, is through changed behavior and learning and accepting that, yeah, hey, I actually fucked up, and I shouldn't have said that. And I love it so much when someone can honestly say to me, could happen to me. A couple of weeks ago, we were at a CART meeting and I had to penalize a driver. We sit down. There was a couple of us stewards in the room, and this was for the final. And they'd just raced the final, and one of these drivers had alleged that another driver had pushed him off of the track. And they sat down with us with the evidence. And through the evidence, what I saw, I believed that they purposefully pushed this car off the track, which meant that that person in front didn't finish the race. And the person that pushed them off the track ended up winning. And so I made the decision to penalize them. 10 seconds, which meant they lost their position on the podium. And holy smokes, that is a heavy weight to carry. Like, why, why, why does it have to be me to do that? But because I love the sport and all of the rest of it, and we've got a rule book. You're like, you want it to be fair for everyone, and it's really hard to talk about. But after that, I walked out. And you Know, people are running around because the drivers decided to appeal the decision, which they were within their rights to do. And I've rung one of my colleagues, I just went, oh my gosh, I've done this. This is what's happened. And now everyone's running around, blah, blah, blah, blah. And people are talking about. And he goes, karina, why do you keep doing this to yourself, mate? You made the decision. Believe in the decision that you made. Go with it. And I went, you know what? You're up. I made the decision. I made that with confidence. I made it with the evidence that was in front of me. And I sit with it. And yeah, it's really unfortunate. I don't actually know because they appealed it. Like, I don't know what the outcome is. But yeah, it's just really hard when you put yourself in these positions and you've got to make those kind of decisions. But it's funny how I made the decision with the evidence in front of me and the rule book in front of me. Like, literally things in black and white, and then I step away from it and then I question what I'm doing. That's a rejection sensitivity. Far out. Rejection sensitivity causes low self esteem. Years of believing that you're the bad person, instead of understanding that, you've just wired a bit differently. It's just crazy how we don't talk about it. Let's remember, if the rejection sensitivity noise gets really loud, it's just a story, it's not a fact. Literally, when these stories start happening, I'm like, oh, cool story, bro. Needs more dragons. Let's wrap up today's episode of She's Honestly Mental. I have a really big favor to ask. If you've been listening to the podcast, can you please make sure that you leave a review? It's just a really easy way to be able to recommend the podcast to other people. I truly, truly appreciate all of the messages that I've been getting. And yeah, you guys are the reason why I'm here and why I'm doing it and why I've somehow managed to find the confidence in myself to keep going. And it's literally just from the support that I've had. So, anyway, have a great week. Bye.

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