7. Women’s mental health needs this kind of support

Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for women who are done pretending they're fine when they're falling apart on the inside. I'm your host, Karina Rawlinson, ADHD brain medicated, mind and proud mental health hospital alumni.

Still here, still showing up somehow.

This is the space for the feelers, the fixers, and the ones who carry it all and still wonder if it's enough. We talk about the chaos, the connection, and everything in between. Because silence, silence nearly killed me. And these conversations save lives. All right, cacao in hand, headphones on, chaos semi contained. Let's get honestly mental.

Welcome to episode seven. I am freaking excited. You know that feeling when you finally stop pretending, when your body catches up to your truth and you realize you've been holding your breath for years? It's kind of like that little sob sigh thing after you've been crying for ages and it's just like, yeah, that's where this all started. I didn't really build She's Honestly Mental. It really was this thing that just kind of came about because I really enjoy. Well, I find something that's really therapeutic is sharing my story has been a really therapeutic way for me to be able to process what I've been through. In particular, because I have found other people that have been through similar situations and similar things and they've been able to really support me because we've both, We've all talked about our lived experience. I've spent decades being the capable one, the one that's been able to hold it all together. The. The one that looks like she's got her life together. And that really worked until it didn't anymore. And here's the wild thing. The moment that I stopped trying to be fine, my life didn't actually fall apart. It actually started to make sense. So today I want to walk you through what saved me. It's not a system. It's not not self help. One day I'm actually going to do a reel like a video where I burn a self help book because I hate self help books. Love me a good memoir. I love something where someone can talk about something that has really helped them through their life just by sharing their story. I hope one day that I can write my own memoir and be able to help people through that connecting. I find storytelling is really, really important. So there's something that I've built or that I'm building or that I'm sharing. And really it's the way that I've been able to find my way through the Mess. And I'm calling it the Honesty Method. It's not about fixing yourself. It's all about giving yourself permission to be human. Okay, picture this. Well, not picture this, because this is exactly, you know, we live in a world where women are told to be resilient. Resilience is everything. You know, you're so resilient. Kids bounce back, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's a performance. It's a mask that we put on to cope through the days. It's a smile through the meetings when you're silently drowning. It's the dread of another task, another thing that you've got to do. Another PNC bake stall, another scholastic book fair, another volunteer commitment. Stay grateful, stay productive, stay pretty, stay polite. And when we break, it's a failure. Except, really, it's not a failure. It's a sign that we've been carrying too much stuff. And then the world goes, well, Karina, it's your fault for carrying all of those things. You chose to do it all in comes flying the I don't even know is self deprecation. I don't know. It's that negative self talk is basically what it is. It comes flying in and it's like, you're an idiot. You're a dumbass. You did all of these things. And imagine if we were able to actually change that narrative. What if it's not a personal failure? I know that we were never meant to carry this much alone. Our brains are not broken, and we're just human in a world that keeps asking you to be a machine. So. Drumroll, please. This is where permission to be human was born. I've said this for years. We're so focused on doing all of the things that we have forgotten that we are actually human beings. We focus so much on the doing instead of being actually. Sitting in the moments, sitting in gratitude, sitting in our emotions, sitting in our feelings. Because we're so busy with the doing. Our to do list. It's heavy. It's hard. I realized that we don't need more motivation because motivation is like a bad boyfriend. It never turns up when you need it to. We need more permission. Permission to stop. Permission to say no. Permission to not be okay today. Permission to lose your shit. Permission to scream. Permission to go for a walk. Permission to get a massage. Permission to do whatever it is the fuck that you want to do. Just to be. To be a human being. And that's what this episode is. A deep dive into each step of the Honesty Method. It's a scaffolding that's held me and now it's what I teach inside the work. I feel like a flog saying that it's now what I teach inside the work. But I honestly believe that the reason I have been through all of this is because I have the capacity and the capability, AKA verbal diarrhea, that I can't help but share. All of these amazing things, well, they're not amazing, it's just life skills. I've done lots of different courses, I've done lots of therapy. I feel like I've tried nearly everything and these are the things that I've found that have been able to help me get through the day to day of life. Being a woman, being a mum. So space is where everything begins. Depends on what your beliefs are, you know, whether it's the big bang or whatnot. No, it's not really about that. That's not the kind of space, it's not glamorous. It's usually the bathroom floor or in the shower or those two minutes where you're trying to have a poo in silence. It's the moments when you're crying in the car and you're saying, I just can't do it anymore. Before you can speak or heal or even hope, you have to land somewhere safe enough to stop performing. And this is the space that I speak of. For me, that was after my second hospital stay when I sat in my car outside the house handshaking and realising I didn't know how to walk back in. And sometimes for me it's actually sitting in the car, doom scrolling and you just going from one thing of being a mom or dropping the kids off at school or coming home from work and then you're needing to then reintegrate and go back into whatever the next performance is that you need to be doing. Space isn't about escaping, it's about an exhale. It's about the first quiet breath when you stop pretending to cope. And that's why I built the messy middle. A free space for women to offload, for women to land softly, to vent, to ask for advice or just be witnessed. It's not a place for fixing and it's definitely not a home for toxic positivity. It's just air. Sometimes healing doesn't start with a plan and it starts with someone saying, hey, I'm here, you can breathe. And that space for me with the messy middle, what I wanted was a space where you preface what you're about to post and you preface what you're about to post in a way of, hey, I'm just venting because my husband's really pissed me off and I'm so sick of his attitude. Full well, knowing that your husband's attitude's probably because you've been a really shitty hormonal bitch or he said something that is actually true and you just want to smack him in the face. Ah, I don't know. But it's those events, you're like, the fucking kids. Like yesterday, oh my gosh, we're toilet training with Ruben and he came in to me and he's like, mum, I've done a poo. And I'm like, great, that's so fantastic. You could have done the poo in the toilet. And while I'm laying on my bed reading my book, side note, currently reading Mad Mabel by Sally Hepworth. So good. I hear him in the toilet and every parent's worst nightmare is a kid and shit. And he's gone into the toilet, he's pulled his nappy off, he has pulled his pants down and he's climbed onto the toilet whilst putting his little potty stool thing on there. And I'm so proud he actually managed to do it without getting shit everywhere. But you know, in those moments, sometimes you just want to be like, for fuck's sake, I was just sitting down trying to read a book, trying to take some time out for me and the kids shat, and then decided to go and deal with it himself. And it is definitely a moment where you should be really grateful, but you just need that second. And so if I was to share this within the messy middle, I would be posting this is event. My 2 year old who I'm toilet training just decided he would go and take himself to the toilet and there's fucking shit everywhere. Thankfully, that wasn't. And so then what happens is this then allows the person who reads the post to go, oh, she's just venting. She's not actually asking for advice, she's just needing to get it off her chest. So it's giving that protective space to the person that's posting, knowing that they're not going to get that response of, oh my gosh, well, if you had just X, Y, Z or blah blah, blah, blah. And you think sometimes when people do that, you're like, fuck off. Like actually shut your mouth. I don't need you to be telling me how to perform right now. And so it just saves that space. The other thing would be if you were to use advice, you are actually asking for advice. Around this. I really need help with toilet training my two and a half year old. We can't get poos happening in the toilet. We can get wheeze, but we can't get poos. And that's where that tool would come in handy because the person posting is saying, I'm asking for advice. And then the people responding know that they're asking for advice. So it creates that really safe environment to be able to ask for those things. I kind of use it as this bit of an offload checklist. Preface what you're saying in a safe place. And that way it's also protecting the person that's responding. I don't know, I think it's pretty cool. And I'm like, oh, the messy middle. It's this free space for women to land softly. But at the moment it's more of a, hey, this is what I'm doing. Just want you guys to be here for the ride and hopefully we can get a bit of a momentum happening in there. This is me just doing stuff because I'm thinking if I don't give it a crack, if I don't give it a go, I'm going to spend my time wondering what the hell I have been doing. And to be honest, Jarrod's like, Karina, you've spent a lot of money on this stuff. You probably need to start making some money anyway, we'll keep working on that. So when it comes to the honesty method, one of the things that I found really important is the language that we use. Fun fact. A few years ago I actually studied neuro linguistic programming, NLP and timeline therapy, which kind of sits in really handy because in a past life I actually was a doula. Well, I am actually a doula. I'm a student doula at the moment and I am on call for a birth, which is exciting. So if I've got a jack off quickly, that's because my amazing client, she's in labor. But yeah, she's not due for another week. So we'll just wait and see. But when I do the hypnobirthing, it became a part of the training obviously was to be talking, to really understand the language around birth. So when you were doing hypnobirthing, instead of saying a contraction, we say a surge. Because a contraction, when you think of contraction, you think of that like tight constricting. And whereas a nice gentle surge, like a nice gentle surge in the ocean, it's a bit softer. So that's what we aim is to really try and Change the language around what is used. When it comes to a birth, we don't normally ask about the pain. Like we say, please don't ask me what my pain is. Instead we use pressure. And I found that really, really powerful with my first births, with my first two births, was saying to the doctors and midwives, this is the language that I want to use. And they then had an understanding. I know at the time a lot of people thought I was crazy because I was talking about this hypnobirthing thing and this is like 12 years ago, so it's really important. Then when I studied nlp, the neuro linguistic programming, I really became aware of the language that I was using around my mental health. If you are saying things that are definite, then you are telling your brain that that is a definite. It's something. At the moment I am doing these hike things, these little run trail hikes, and it's quite intense and it's something I have never done before. And I have said to myself, I'm not a runner. Like I don't run. That's not for me. And what I've done is now the language you've got to use is I'm not a runner yet. And the word yet is actually so powerful because if you're saying something and you add yet onto the end of gives you that possibility of hope. That's what I think is really important around your language. So when I was first diagnosed with PTSD and adhd, I thought that meant that I was broken, really. It meant I finally had words for my body to be able to describe the things that it's been screaming for years. When we talk about language, when we use stuff well, when we're not talking about toxic positivity, because toxic positivity breeds shame. Working on language that supports your brain and your body actually shrinks the shame it takes the chaos that's in your head and gives it a shape. And that's where the chaos letters came in for me, these raw kind of reflections that I write. One of the first ones that I wrote was literally me writing a voice note into my notes. And I was lying on the limestone bricks across the road at the park and it was just these things that were floating around in my head that I didn't literally put pen to paper. I opened my notes and voiced it and then I chucked it into ChatGPT and it framed it for me. But the chaos letters are really just these raw notes of me writing from my reality. And it's hard sometimes, but the Best thing is that I love about the chaos Letters is a way for me to connect with other people, but then also the way that people respond and they're just thinking far out. Like, me too. I'm so glad. I was having a really hard moment and now it's given me that name for what's going on. So when we can name our chaos, we stop letting the shame win. So the next thing that I love to chat about that is really important. Part of the honesty method is witnessing. You can be witnessed without someone trying to fix you. The moment someone simply says, me too. Something inside of you unclenches. When I say that, it makes me really laugh because I'm like, unclenches. I say to kids when they're racing go karts. The moment that your butthole starts to like, clench on your seat is when you know that's probably time to hit the brakes and turn into the corner. The moment you start to semi relax, that's when you need to accelerate and drive yourself through the corner. One of the really big things is that we don't always need solutions. We just need someone to see the mess and stay with us. It's that friend that's comes over and your kitchen's a mess and you're feeling really overwhelmed or your laundry's not folded and you think before they get there that far out, they're gonna judge me because all of these things. And I tell you what, if I come over to your house and your house is a mess, I'm like, girl, thank you. Because it makes me feel normal. I'm currently sitting in my bedroom where I've got clothes all over the bed, shit on the floor, I'm literally tucked in the corner recording this podcast. And my kids, thankfully right now they're not screaming. But my life isn't perfect. It's not perfect, and I don't think it's realistic inside the messy middle. That's our golden rule. No advice unless it's asked for. Because advice can kind of be a silence too. It skips over the ache. It's just I know sometimes when I ring my mum, I'll be talking to her about work stuff and she goes, well, you know, I make sure that I reconcile all of my files every day or every second day, and I just keep on top of it. And, you know, if you just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I thought, mom, you're not listening to me. My brain doesn't work like that. And I think that's really important to really note that people are Actually doing the best that they can with what they know. And so that's what I think is really important. Unless someone is actually asking for advice, don't give it. Shut your mouth. When I first posted my Instagram story from my second admission in hospital, it was me sharing that. Hey, I'm back in Perth. This is my second time here in four months. Just had a miscarriage. I had a massive meltdown. I'm not doing great. The amount of people that messaged me back and said same was the thing that kept me going. The women that were prepared to open up about the things that we've been told to stay silent, they are the women that got me through those dark moments. That's when I realised honesty isn't just healing. Honesty is contagious. Just like a smile, witnessing is the moment shame dissolves into belonging. Little Brene Brown moment for you. Once we're witnessed, once someone says same, me too. I'm like girl sister. It becomes no longer a performance. It's no longer the yeah, I'm fine, things are great kind of catch ups. It's actual connection where you can say the thing and still be loved. And I have found so much, particularly over the last 12 months since my ADHD diagnosis, how much better quality my friendships are because I'm not faking fine anymore. Every episode of this podcast has been an unfiltered conversation between me and the woman that that I was. The one who used to pretend and the one who now no longer pretends. I mean, yeah, sometimes I do, but sometimes it's more often than not that I'm not pretending anymore. When you can have those friendships where you can cry, you can swear, you can laugh at the chaos. Lol. Live, laugh, toast, a bath, not appropriate. But that is just one of the things that, you know, you can make a bit light of it, but you know that there's those friends that when things are really messy, you can talk to them about it. Those friends that hold space for the gray, for the clouds, for the storm. Those connections for me in particular, like I said earlier, they're the ones that have gotten me through. Sometimes though, I know people feel really lonely and isolated and it's tricky depending on your environment as to know who is actually really safe or a safe place that you can talk to. I know sometimes that I found when I talk to someone who is normally a safe space for me, I forget to actually check in with them and I tend to offload without going hey, how are you? And my friends will know that if you Give me the hey, I'm fine. I'm going to turn around and be like, hey, what's going on? I don't do the fake I'm fine anymore. What I've done is I've created this really cool little tool. It's called the AI Pocket Bestie, and it's using a program similar to ChatGPT, where it works similar to the messy middle. You can chat to it. And it's framed around the language that I use within she's honestly mental. It's framed around my training in NLP and hypnosis and hypnobirthing and gosh, that probably sounds really whack there for some people, but it's just trained in all of the things that I've done. And it's really kind and it has a really sweet heart, even though it's an AI, but it's something that you can have in your pocket for those moments. You can voice note it and just say, oh, my fucking kids are screaming while I'm trying to record a podcast and I want to smack them in the head. And it'll say, hey, Karina, are you asking for advice or are you just venting? And it'll respond in the way that's most appropriate for what you're going through. One thing that it will not do is tell you to stay positive, to just get over it. It'll meet you where you are, the way that honesty should. The final step with the honesty method is integration. And to be honest, it's the hardest one. It's where the honesty becomes a lifestyle, not a breakdown moment. It's telling the truth in the everyday. I forgot the form again. I yelled at the kids. I'm still tired and not adding, but I'm fine at the end. Like, it's okay. None of this toxic positivity bullshit, none of the shame spirals, none of the I'm a fucking idiot, I should be doing better. The amount of times the kids bring home notes and the school ring me saying, hey, Karina, just wondering if it's okay for the boys to go. And I'm like, yes, absolutely. Sorry, I've lost the note. Literally, my dog's eating it. I have no idea. It's choosing the softness in the middle of the chaos. It's literally being the calm in the storm. It's resting before you crash. Giving yourself permission to do that, letting good enough be your gospel. That's what permission to be human is built around. You can kind of do it either way, not do it at all, but What I've built is six weeks of scaffolding, not self help. It's group support. And if you wanted it, it's one on one holding. It's using actual tools that you can hold. No homework. And the other really cute thing that I thought would be really valuable is a little permission pack. So instead of an online workbook or instead of joining zoom calls or those kind of things, it's a little permission pack that I post with love out to you with a few little goodies in it. What I think is really important for a good mental health is to be able to build a solid foundation that can help you when things get rocky. It's then also building great scaffolding around the foundation and around you so that when the cyclone comes, you have got a strong structure. It's something that I have found really, really helpful for when I am having those moments of meltdowns and screaming and feeling not good enough and feeling that, oh my gosh, I've bitten off more than I can chew. It's knowing that I've got that solid foundation and the tools in my toolbox to be able to help me get through those moments. And that's why I think something like Permission to be human, like the messy middle, like the chaos letters, it is the connection that we have as human beings, as women that helps us get through this mess. The messy middle. So, yeah, that's where I'm going. That's where things are happening with She's Honestly Mental. It's very exciting and I'm so glad that you're here along for the ride. And as always, if you love the podcast, please let me know. Please send me a message because it is so incredibly powerful for me to know the impact that this is making. And I hope to, even if joining Permission to be Human, the Messy middle, the chaos letters, even if you don't subscribe to those things. I really hope that what I talk about on the podcast is something that is really, really helpful for you and you've got a few takeaways. So yeah, till next time, peace.

Thanks for hanging out with me on She's Honestly Mental. If today's episode cracked open something inside of you or gave you space to exhale, come say hi over at Instagram at She's Honestly Mental. Or send this to someone who needs.

To hear that they're not alone.

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You're not broken.

You're just honestly mental. And all the best people are.