EP 48 - Stop Telling People What to Do And Start Hearing What They’re Really Saying

Please stop telling people what to do. I'm gonna break it down, what it means, what it is costing you, and how you can avoid it so that we can all live free. If you're ready, let's begin. Are you ready to shine?

Come on, it's the shiny one.

You got this. Welcome to the Shiny Unsal AI Show with Dr Shiny Unsal AI. Today I want to talk to you about why telling people what to do is not helping you, is not helping them, is not helping anyone in the world, is not serving the world and why you should stop it, how you can stop it, and what are some tools that you can stop it so that you can avoid making the same mistake. Let me first break down what telling people what to do means. We live in a world where everything becomes so fast-paced that communication gets unnoticed. Whatever that leaves your mouth you don't pause and think about it, you don't pause and analyze it, you don't necessarily see the appropriateness of your words and your language and what it means in terms of its weight, its context, and its frequency. If you don't have the tools to analyze all that, you know what you are doing? You're putting yourself at a super high risk. This is super risky. The reason why is because you are damaging people, you are harming people without any intention. I know you don't have that intention. Nobody does. Okay, so let's separate the intention from the behavior from the get-go. We are all amazing human beings. We all have the greatest, the softest, the most delicious intentions to help each other, to be efficient, and to live happily ever after. I am not arguing that. That is honorable. So we put the beautiful intention, positive intention in the pocket, and then we analyze the behavior itself. The behavior is when you tell people what to do, especially after hearing what they have shared with you, what they have clearly stated, where they are, what they want, what they don't want, especially within that context, if you're still not able to hear them consciously for what it is that they are trying to communicate with you, and then you are simply deleting it, which is an automated internal mental mechanic system. It's a process. You delete information if you are not paying attention to it, if it is not your priority. The way that it works inside your brain is that you value what you value. That's the survival instinct of amygdala. And when you are overpowered by your own survival, survival of your opinions, survival of your ideas and needs and values, whatever that means to you, what happens is you are caught up. You are programmed by your own agenda, by your own needs and desires and whatever you want to see happening. In the case of telling somebody what to do, let's make it super tangible. Let's say you are having a conversation with a friend, okay? And your friend is just sharing with you, like, how amazing she feels. She feels like she is living the best life. She's living her dreams, and she's exactly where she needs to be. Who she needs to be with, doing her business, and she feels fascinated by life, and she loves who she is, and then, and she's real, you can feel it, right? And then what happens in that second is if you are not feeling like you are living your own dream life, you are not very happy with where you are, you are not surrounded by the people that you want to be surrounded by, If you do not have that frequency, you are not going to be able to match that frequency. That's it. That's how the universe works. The language of the universe is frequency, not English or German or Japanese. It's frequency. And we can all understand that, all humanity. A Chinese person walks in, you understand the frequency. A Turkish person like me, walks in, you understand the frequency. An Australian person comes and sits with you, and you understand the frequency. So it's not the words, it's the frequency behind it that you need to tune into. And if you don't, you're going to get yourself empowered and programmed by your own unmet needs, by your own agendas, and by your own projections and you're gonna live there, and then that's a stuck place to be there. That's what we call the fixed mindset. This is not where you want to be. You know why? When you are overpowered by your own unmet needs, when you are listening to your friend, you're going to start judging yourself. See, she's so happy, she's radiant, she's living the life of her dreams, and I am not. I should have done better in my life. It just reminds you who you are, just reminds you where you are, just reminds you how you feel, right? And no wonder your internal mental mechanics is kind of forcing you to resist and forcing you to stay inside your head and fix what is going on inside of you, within you. So when you are not able to manage all these internal mechanics, this automated processes, that shows up as a mismatch, that shows up as control, that shows up as telling people what to do. I'm going to continue from the same example that I shared with you. So you have this friend, you heard, she's super happy, she just wants to be heard because she is fascinated by where she is in her life, her journey. And your response is, well, I love hearing your voice and all that, and— but not even and— but you know, you gotta go back to where you come from. Like, you gotta, you gotta understand what is going on with your roots. And you tell her exactly what you would do in order for you to live the life that you call happy life or dream life. You start telling her, you know what, I've had this the other day, I've had that the other day, and it feels like we need to face what we are ignoring. We need to look and see what we haven't seen, what we haven't looked And that's a big assumption. It is a huge assumption on your end, telling people what to do and then trying to fix people because you operate from a fixed mindset. You come from your own agenda because you are limited in the way that you see things around you, including people and your friends and what they share with you. And then you try to put them in your box? What's going on in your roots? What's going on at home, right? Go back home. Like, what do you mean if that person is already telling you that they have achieved the level of dream state and they just want to be heard by that? Like, what part of you does not get that? Like, that is the part that I am so frustrated about. Like, why don't we get each other? Why don't we just pause and get the frequency under the very clear words? I mean, sometimes the words are not clear, which happens in our coaching education programs when I, when I teach my coaching students when they are coaching their clients, their coachees in front of them. Sometimes the client experiences a neuroshine moment that's a very happy moment, but they're not aware. So, and then I tell them, well, that was a big moment of truth. You know, let's, let's acknowledge that and let's not dismiss that because the words are not matching the frequency. I get that. But in this case, if the words are clear and the frequency is clear, they're both matching. There is nothing for you to dismiss. There is nothing for you to override whatever that is in front of you and still bring your own agenda and trying to fix something that is not broken. That is the problem that I see in the world, and it just pains me. It pains me. And I must tell you, my dear Shiny Minds, it's— world is catching up. It used to be harder, but I still see in conversations, I still see what's going on between people and how some of them are dismissed, how some of them are judged, how some of them are feeling absolutely controlled and put in the box and labeled and even laughed at. These are wrong. Let's stop doing that. It's enough already. Stop telling people what to do. First, your job is to understand them. Your job is to analyze where they are, why they feel the way they feel. And especially if you are having this kind of a situation in the example that I gave where one party shares, oh my God, I'm super happy. This is exactly the life I want to live. And then this is like my dream. And then I am so happy. And then the other one goes, 'Well, I love hearing from you. That's beautiful.' Like, you are already admitting that whatever she's sharing is truthful. You have just confirmed that the frequency you get from her is the truth, right? So that's truth here. So you kind of see it, but, and then within a split second, another unmet part of you, another controlling part of you jumps in and takes over in that internal mechanics, and then it tries to overpower that incredible frequency you just experienced, which is whole, which is real, which is raw, which is authentic, which is inspiring. And this is right in front of you, and then you still try to fix which is not broken. You still try to tell this incredible wholeness, what to do? This is wrong, my shiny minds. These are the conversations I am witnessing. This is wrong. Like how this person tells this person, go home, you know, face whatever. Like, how do you know what this person has done or hasn't done? Have you asked that first? Have you gathered enough information to analyze What is going on? Or are you really not seeing what is in front of you? Let's talk about that. So that's why you should stop telling people what to do. It is costing you. Because if this person only wants to be heard and seen, acknowledged, or just perhaps be connected to you, you just kill the vibe because This person is already feeling, I'm not understood, I am misunderstood. And then these people, they go around and then they, they feel, people don't understand me, I am not understood, I'm not appreciated, I'm not valued, I am this and I am that. And then it may cause problems of relationships, and then you are clueless because you had the best intention, because that's how you would do it. Right? Like, go home, look at your roots. What if, like, sometimes we are not facing what we're supposed to be facing? And what are you yourself not facing? What is it about you that wants to control the other person? What part of you gets very uncomfortable when witnessing people who are happy, joyful, and really one with themselves? What part of you is not okay with it? Why can you not celebrate other people having done the work and just wanting to celebrate and connect with you? What is it about you? I, I really want us to make it a priority and to really, really analyze this, not only with the brain though, because the brain gets caught up with the matrix. Right? The programming. So if you're unable to meet your physical needs, then you won't be able to rise up to your spiritual needs. And that's where my practical solutions are going to be super helpful. So here is my first practical tip. I'm going to bring my formula again: change equals awareness multiplied by willingness. Awareness is first. You have to be aware. You gotta bring awareness. If you're not aware, which in this case you were not aware, you had the best intention, but you still couldn't match this friend of yours who just wanted to be heard, who just wanted to share. And when you are not able to do this and still not aware, that's dangerous. That's exactly what we experience out in the world, right? That's exactly what's going on. Intentions are good, but behaviors suck. I've done so many of these, okay, in my corporate life, especially back in the year between 2000 and 2009. I, I was clueless. I didn't know what I was doing. And I was unaware because there was nobody around me giving me a Shiny Minds show, you know, tips and tricks and best practices. I didn't have that awareness and it cost me. I didn't feel belonged. I didn't feel that I was part of that environment. I had relationship issues. I had anxiety. I had— I literally even had panic attacks a few times and that was not a good place to be. I was stuck in my loop and then I was stuck in my patterns. I was repeating the same old pattern. So I was hopping from one advertising agency to the other one, one from the other, one from the other, thinking that, okay, why do I not feel belonged? Like, what is going on? What is wrong with me? And I literally felt something was off, but I was not aware, right? And I even discovered the world of coaching back then, because obviously there was something wrong. And then I remember hiring a coach for the first time in my life. I think that was 2007 or 2008. I didn't even know there was such a thing. Then I brought this agenda, like, there is something wrong with me. Like, look at all my friends and everybody's happy at their work, and they have been working for so many years, but within that time frame, I changed at least 5 jobs, 5 agencies, 5 places. Like, what is wrong with me? There's something wrong. You know, everybody's happy and then everybody is just doing their thing and I am not. What's wrong? And that was the step to become aware of what I was doing wrong. There was nothing wrong with me. My expressions could have been way different. My approach could have been very different. My language that came out of my mouth could have been different because I felt I was not safe. I was not seen. I was not heard or appreciated in those places, and that's why it triggered me. It triggered me to a point that I started triggering others. That's exactly the pattern. That's exactly the loop, the spiral. Okay? I was feeling triggered, and then I was triggering others. I was feeling unheard, and then I was not hearing others. I was not feeling safe, and I was creating an environment it was not safe to be with me. So this is the pattern that I have experienced in my corporate life. And if you literally go check my LinkedIn profile, Dr Shiny Unsal AI, you will see in my very first years in my career, starting from 2000 until I changed everything in 2008, and then I started working in my last corporate position, I was repeating my pattern. It was a loop almost every year. So one has to stop and ask, right? So that was my revelation, and that's how I used my awareness. I'm still talking about my awareness, okay? I'm still talking about the first tip that I am sharing with you. Become aware. If you are not aware, then you're not going to understand what to change. If you don't see what others are seeing, you're blind to it. That's why we call it the blind spot. That's where we need to begin because it's costing us. Like, not knowing what kind of behaviors that you need to fine-tune in yourself is costing you. It's costing you promotions, it's costing you relationships, it's costing you money, health, wealth, everything. So that's why The solution, the first solution is awareness. And once you become aware, I'll bring the second solution, which is willingness. It's not rocket science. It's just literally partnering up with your life and facing whatever you are not facing. Meaning in the example that I shared with you, if people are happy around you and if you're not happy that they're happy but you're not happy, that's your problem. Okay, you gotta face your own reality. You gotta face your own situation and see what is going on with you and then ask yourself, what part of me needs to heal so that I can meet people where they are? If they are happy, I can raise my frequency. If they're unhappy, then I can choose if I want to get involved with it or not. Right? So we, we all want high frequency, and perhaps you are in a low frequency, and that's totally fine. You can certainly be there and give yourself the acceptance and the time that it needs, the depth that it needs to go, so that you are alchemizing it, like you're coming out of it as Phoenix is rising from its ashes, you know what I'm talking about. It's not about dismissing it or ignoring it. If there are situations in your life that you're ignoring, that's exactly where you need to begin. If you think that your way is the only way, that's exactly where you need to begin. So in this situation where these two people are having this conversation, as, and, and as I was witnessing it, I was in awe. I literally was in awe. And I asked myself, what is it? What is it about us that we are not okay with each other? Because we're judging ourselves. That's this judgment. That's this part of us. That's this voice inside who keeps reminding us, you can be happy too. You have that power in you too. You have that light that shines through you too. You are a shiny mind too. You're a shiny heart too. What is it about you that diminishes your divine power? Divinity is super important in your language. Why? Because that's the truth. And divinity is not about religion. Religion is very personal. People choose that path or not. Divinity is something above and beyond that. Divinity is kind of scientific, cosmic part of you, that you are a part of this universe, and actually the universe is a part of you, inside of you. That's the divine light that we're talking about. That we are dismissing. If you are dismissing people who are happy, people who are shining, then you're dismissing your own power within. And that's why the willingness becomes the second tool, because it reminds you, you have that power. You just need to face your truth. You just need to remember where you are coming from, how divine and cosmic you are. Once you make that shift, once you have that realization, something is going to align within and something is going to awaken within. And you are going to wake up one day feeling like, wow, this is the life that I, I chose. I can do whatever I want with it. This is my playground. Love is how I win, and I am gonna win every single day by loving myself. Only if I love myself, then I can love on others. So if you are looking for a third practice, a third tip for you to stop telling people what to do is unconditional love. When you tell people what to do, what is the mechanics behind it? Let's look at it. You should do this in order for me to understand you. If you're not doing this, then I will not understand you, right? You are creating the conditions around it. And then that is becoming conditional. That is becoming transactional. And that is damaging our humanity. That is damaging our divinity. We are unconditional beings. We are unconditional light in a human form. I want us to remember this. And I want us to match our behaviors with this truth. The intention is the human intention, but the behavior in this 3D reality, it's gotta match the truth. The truth that there is unconditional love. So use unconditional love as another tip to fine-tune your behaviors and then ask yourself, is my language conditional or unconditional? Is what I am saying to others is how I'm responding to others a demonstration of unconditional love for myself and for them, or are there conditions? Can I smell any conditions around it? That's a huge practice that you can take away and apply. So I hope this was a very helpful conversation that you listened, that I had with myself. It was literally a conversation that I had with myself, I feel like. I know you are listening, and I know that there is a part of you that feels resonating with it. And if you are resonating with it, I invite you to pause and dig deep inside. Pause without doing anything. Just ask yourself, what is my truth? What is my unconditional love for myself and for others? How can I deepen it? What are the tools I need? And if your answer is, hey, I need to start by understanding more about my mindset, I want to study neuroscience, and I want to study myself, I need self-discovery, I need to hone my communication skills, I need to show up as a leader, and as I do that, I want to experience deep transformation. And I want to connect to people that are absolutely amazing, then I invite you to look at my world. You can go to shinyunsal.com and grab that PDF and see if taking the next step is the right step for you. And I would love to work with you, and I would love to give you resources. There are digital courses that you can start studying your mind. You can start the mechanics that I was telling you about, all the blocks, all these mental blocks that are keeping you stuck in your thinking. And then you are not even aware that you are controlling somebody, you're telling them what to do, and then you are trying to fix them where they didn't even ask for you to fix their problem. They're totally capable of fixing their own problem. So you might be annoying and frustrating people, and I don't want that for you. I want freedom mindset for all of us to experience. I want resourcefulness for all of us to experience, and that's what I teach. That's what I share with you. And then if you feel the resonance, by all means, go to my website, shinyunsal.com, and check out how I might be able to serve you. And you can also go to neuroshinetechology.com, and you will see that I have a faculty of amazing souls who are also teaching my NeuroShine technology. And you can also look at those options if you are resonating with those options. This is also a beautiful path for you to take. So whatever you choose, make sure you choose something that shines the cosmic light within you. So if you like this episode, please put a like, share, and subscribe for more videos, more content just like this, where we sit down and talk about the truth of humanity and how we can become more conscious beings. And thank you for allowing my light into your neurons, and until next time, keep shining your cosmic light.

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