EP 59 - Nobody Talks About This: How Detachment Unlocks Your True Power

If you want to achieve your dreams in the fastest way possible, I invite you to stay with me because nobody's talking about the power of detachment. If you're ready, let's begin. Are you ready to shine? Come on, it's the Shiny One. You got this. My dear shiny mind, you who's watching, may I invite you to hit that subscribe button? This way you and I are going to become partners in shine and elevate the consciousness in the world. Thank you so much in advance, and I'll Welcome to the Shiny Unsal AI Show. I am Dr Shiny Unsal AI. I am the proud creator of Neuroshine Technology, the founder of the Academy of Neuroshine Technology, ICF Master Certified Coach, ICF Distinguished Coach Educator, licensed NLP trainer, leadership professor at UCLA Extension, the author of the book You Are a Star: Shine and the producer of this Shiny Minds show for you. I am on a mission to empower every single person and the planet so that together we can elevate the consciousness of this planet and, and make this a better place. So today I want to talk about making this a better place altogether by showing up as detached personalities. What do I mean by that? Detachment and attachment, those are the two pillars of the concept of how we engage with life. When you look at life from a very high perspective, like from a bird's eye perspective, it's a web of relationships, isn't it? You have a certain way that you relate to life and what's inside your life. You have your people, you have your relationships, you have money, you have actions, you have places you go, you got food that you choose, you get activities that you have, you got your items, your tangible things, you have your home, you have your location, the city that you live in. Everything that makes up your life used to be a choice that you made, and you may argue that most of the things perhaps were given to you. You didn't necessarily choose. I understand that. We are not going to discuss that today. That's a totally different topic to go into. What we are going to discuss today is the fact that your choices are shaping the way that you relate to your life, everything in your life. How do you relate with the money? Do you have a healthy relationship with money? Do you have a mindset that is abundant, that is freeing and liberating others, or do you attach too much that it turns out to be almost controlling others? Mm. That is a topic that I would like to bring in today because it keeps showing up in my coaching education cohorts every single time. The very first day, someone comes into my cohort, comes into my world, and sits in my Zoom classes to learn about coaching mindset, you know what they experience? They experience the fact that they are too attached to their ideas, opinions, the way to solve problems, the way they communicate, the way they connect, and the way they relate to life. And it becomes super transformational and especially for the ones who are great problem solvers, because I used to be one of them. For those, it becomes revolutionary. Why? Because when you look at it from the perspective of psychology, let's, let's talk about psychology first, because obviously there is attachment styles in, in psychology. The way that you attach to your relationships is going to determine how you attach to everything else in your life. How you do one thing is how you do everything, right? When you go and study the attachment theory, you're going to see there are 4 ways that we develop as a little girl and little boy, as we grow up, the way that we attach to others in our life. The first one is anxious attachment. The anxious attachment style is this person who is worried about everything, and they're anxious of not getting things right, and fearing that they're gonna miss out, and fearing that they're gonna do something wrong. There's always this fear and worry, fear and worry, fear and worry. So that kind of loop unfortunately creates this energy, magnetic energy field around them, it just keeps confirming their anxiety. Okay. And that shows up as the lack of self-worth, the lack of appreciation for others, because without realizing, subconsciously, they are going to be controlling. They're going to be trying to avoid all these doubts and worries that they have upstairs. So because of that anxious attachment style, is going to create this loop around them, just like a black hole would create the loop sucking everything that goes inside. So they're going to need to hit a wall to wake up and to see their own patterns in a mirror. That's one attachment style, anxious. The second one is called the avoidant attachment style. This one is somebody who's going to dismiss especially heavy emotions, sensitive subjects, anything to deal with vulnerability. Why? Because it's their subconscious mechanism to hide behind walls of sometimes apathy, dismissal, denial, and not accepting what is really going on because it's too painful for them. As they grow up, perhaps they learned showing emotions is a sign of weakness. Perhaps they grew up in an environment where they were told, you have to be tough, you have to be strong. Talking about emotions and sensitivity was not their forte because of the attachment style. It just actually comes from our upbringing, from our attachment to our own parents, to the first humans in our life, mommy, daddy, grandmommy, granddaddy, perhaps nannies at home, caregivers or teachers at school, or very close friends, cousins and siblings. Whoever has been around you when you were little, the way that you related with them and the way that you attached to them is the way you're attaching to life right now. So if it was too sensitive for you to talk about any emotions and it was not welcome in your environment when you were growing up, that's why you might have an avoidant attachment style. So that's the second style. The third style is somewhat in between anxious and avoidant. So it is usually called anxious avoidant or fearful avoidant style, which is actually one of the hardest to break through because one day you are too anxious, the other way you are too avoidant. When you are hot and cold, when you are black and white, when you are this or that every single time you're changing because you have different moods, because your attachment is not stable, because you have both anxiety and avoidance inside of you. So your nervous system reacts differently every day. When there is too much fear, you're gonna have the anxiety and you're gonna do some of the things— people pleasing, sugarcoating, and then lying and not telling the truth and not being vulnerable. Because it's too painful. And the other day you are going to be too dismissing and then too unattached, too much showing up with apathy and carelessness and not even going to respond. And you're not, not going to communicate on time. You're not going to care as much. And people are going to be very surprised about it. They're going to be shocked and they're going to be puzzled because that attachment style is deep within you and it is causing you to behave in this automated loop without you becoming aware of it. Okay, that's the third style. The fourth style, thank goodness, is the secure attachment. This is a type of attachment that we all want to have ultimately because it is a way to relate to life in a very healthy, positive, and resourceful way. When you are born and raised in a healthy environment where you can develop healthy attachment style with people, with money, with energy, with communication, with habits, with everything that you do in life, you are going to succeed in especially relationships because you will understand what security is, what the maturity is, what safety is. And that attachment style is also going to teach you the power of detachment. Okay, so it's super important that you understand it requires a secure attachment style to be able to practice detachment from too much control, too much avoiding, too much anxiety, too much of anything. That's where life becomes very interesting and almost like a puzzle that we need to solve. When we understand that, things get easier. So now let's just go back to the beginning because I told you that nobody is talking about the power of detachment. And it is the fastest way for you to achieve your goals and dreams and your most delicious self, right? So why do I say that? So now let's talk about it. Now that we have covered the psychological root cause of what is making somebody attach too much to their ideas, opinions, the way of thinking, then you will understand that root cause is there for a reason. It's giving the person a a sense of security, a sense of safety, a sense of control, because we have amygdala, right? The nervous system has a CEO called Mr. and Mrs. Amygdala. And amygdala is going to do whatever it takes to keep you survive, to keep your opinions survive, to keep your values survive, to keep your perspective, the way you do things survive. Amygdala is there to control. Amygdala is the emotional control center, the fear center. It's a survival center. And that is literally what Matrix is all about. Amygdala is literally a soldier for the Matrix. Think of it that way. When the Matrix, the whole programming, the whole upbringing wants you to stay as part of this whole conditioning, like not have a secure attachment, secure relationship, but somewhat a victim of the entire system, the entire program, guess what happens? You are powerless. You do not have the healthy way to relate to things, and then you become too attached. I'll give you an example. Now we can talk about tangible things. I'll give you a real life experience. Here's what happened with me. So I had a friend where I was having a conversation about things, life experiences, and catching up with my friends. And the moment I expressed my joy, obviously I'm a joyful person, right? And this just, this energy, this comes to everywhere I go, to my friends and conversations as well. And it can be too much. I get it. It can be too much. So here's what happened. As I was expressing myself, my joy, and sharing that, oh my gosh, you know, I feel that kind of baseline where I had my nourishing moments years and years ago. They're still with me. And I am celebrating. And I feel so high on life. I feel high, positively high about life. I just love this. And then my friend goes, well, you know that we live in Miami, so you don't want to talk about, like, you're high on the streets of Miami. And then there goes my relationship with her. So let's just break it down. What does that mean? Nobody's fault. This is nobody's fault, right? That's why I keep saying it's not your fault. It's your default. From my perspective, I have a unique way of expressing myself, and If I have a friend, what do I want? I want to celebrate. I want my friend to be happy for me as I am happy for myself. That's all I wanted. But what did I get instead? I got dimming my light. I got pressure. I got control. I got too much attachment. That was control. When somebody is unable to celebrate your wins, celebrate your highs, celebrate your expressions, It doesn't mean that they don't care about you. It means that they are not capable of doing that because their nervous system is not functioning like that. It's because of the attachment style. Because from her perspective, what is really going on? What is going on is that she is feeling unsafe. When I am in my own bubble, my joyfulness and my, my happiness, my joy, my bliss, she goes into this unconscious comparison. I am not happy. I'm not joyful. I am not that blissful. Therefore, there is something wrong with me. Like, what, what do I do wrong? And what is wrong with me? I must be doing something wrong. Therefore, I am not safe. And when I am not safe, what do I do? I want to control. I want to control my environment so that I know that I feel that I am in charge. Amygdala. Nervous system. And because of this anxious avoidant attachment style, amygdala is taking over the conversation instead of a healthy nervous system, which would instead say, wow, that is so amazing. Like, how do you do that? What, like, what exactly do you do that makes you feel so high and so happy? I want to learn all about it. And I am super happy for you. Right? So that is not happening. It's nobody's fault. Therefore, I, I had to cut that relationship. I, I really did. And I love my friend, I really do. And at the same time, I just need to be brutally honest with where we are. If there is not a chemistry match, if there is a frequency mismatch, then it's not helping nobody. It's not. And it was very hard because she was a dear friend of mine, and I was also aware that she was going through something And it was, it was very different. And as much as I understand what she's going through and that she understands like my high, like we couldn't, we couldn't relate in a way that would not trigger her. Every highness that I brought kept triggering her and made her feel unsafe, made her feel something wrong about me. I am not worthy of feeling joyful and blissful. What am I doing wrong type of a trigger? I get it. And that is, that is what comes with being who I am. Wherever I go, every time I am in this authentic, joyful, blissful state, I get to trigger. I do. I, that happens. It just, it just happens. I trigger people. I actually show up. I activate something in their system, in their nervous system that is still not safe. So that they feel kind of weird about how to relate with me. And I get it. Again, I get it. It just comes with being me. And that's why I'm telling you, like, I do it, you know, it just, it just comes with my frequency. It comes with my energy, which is a good thing, which is actually very great because it is helping everyone grow. It is helping everyone to look in the mirror and to see What is the way for me to attach? So now, going back to your goals again, I'm giving you different ways to look at your attachments and how it shows up in real life. And now we're going to finally unite everything and talk about your goals. Why detachment is the fastest way for you to get what you want in life. It is because when you're too attached, This is exactly what happens when you're too attached. Without you realizing, you end up controlling others. Without you becoming aware, you end up becoming a burden. Without you realizing, you end up changing the frequency of your dreams and your thoughts, your dreams and your goals. How so? Because there is quantum fields all around us. We live in a quantum field. Things at the subatomic level they, they act in a very weird way. When you observe them into your intention, they're going to become a particle in the way that you want them to. And at the same time, if you keep attaching too much, what's gonna happen is that you are going to mess up with the nature of things. It's going to be too controlling even for the subatomic particles of the light photons, subatomic particles of your goals and dreams and relationships, right? So when somebody tells you something without you asking anything from them, all of a sudden they say, you know what, you should do this, you should certainly do this. You're like, okay, why? You're like asking, you're curious. Because it's going to be so helpful for you. You know, I tried it and it worked for me. And you're like, Okay, but I don't want to do that. I'm not into that. And then they're trying to convince you into this. It's exactly how it feels like when you're too attached to your ideas and dreams and goals and relationships and perspectives in life. That's exactly how the other person feels like. Why are you trying to convince me, dude? I'm not into it. I'm not interested. Let it go. Right? That's exactly how life is trying to talk to you by telling you it's too much attachment. Just let that go. Yeah, I want you to get what you want. And yeah, that's why we're talking about different ways and fastest way to get you what you want. And at the same time, you cannot attach too much. It's what It's what kills the magic. You know, think about it. Whenever you set a goal and you know that you're going to do it, there is certainty beyond logic about the thing that you want. You know that you're going to get it. You just feel it in your bones. Yeah, you just take actions and you don't necessarily get lost in controlling the details, right? You just let the details go. The universe handles the rest of it, right? Everything that you have done, you have achieved. What did you do? There was a big point, right? Just like driving your car. The big point, the big goal is to arrive in that destination. You enter the navigation, the coordinates just once. You put it just once. Here is the address. Here's where I'm going. Boom. Do you then go check if the destination is correct? If you put it there, if you just need to just control it every single time? No, you just put it once and then you let it go. After that, what you do is your relationship with the journey, your relationship with the process, your relationship with the steps that you take for that destination, because you already set it in stone. There is certainty beyond logic. Even Kabbalah teaches it, that you need to apply to get there. And you know that once you enter the address, the destination, you know that you're going there. You never doubt it. Right? So what you need to now pay attention is the next step and the next step. If you take the wrong exit, then you lose it, right? The wrong exit is what you need to avoid. That is the only attachment that you need to have to the right next best action. And then there goes Buddha here. Like we're implementing Buddhism, neuro-linguistic programming, Kabbalah, attachment styles, and quantum physics. And coaching principles. There you go. That's my world. That's my Neuroshine technology. And today, I'll give you one more example and then I'll let it go. Today in my class, one of my student coaches, that was the very first time she ever had a coaching session, which was a 6-minute-long coaching session. Only 6 minutes. Imagine. It was just for them to experience the very first section of a coaching session. We'd only a few questions. And after that, we all meet in the main room and then she comes back and she says, well, after asking her permission, I actually suggested something, an exercise to my coachee, my client, and she loved it. And then I was like, great, let's not do that again because that's not coaching. And she's like, yeah, but I asked permission. I know you did. That's exactly the point. Even when you ask the permission, when you are suggesting something, what are you really doing? You're attaching too much to the way that you solve your problems. That is what I am talking about. We gotta let that go. We need to begin to trust each other. We need to begin to understand that there is light in every single one of us. Just like you know how to solve your problem, you need to believe and you need to hold the other person accountable, give them the responsibility to show up with their light, to show up with their solutions. This is the sovereignty that I'm talking about. Your detachment becomes your true power, your true sovereignty, because your detachment teaches others to become powerful. Your detachment gives others the responsibility to show up for themselves. Instead of seeking for solutions, instead of asking others, instead of looking for external solutions, people begin to look inside and they finally realize, wow, I've had all my answers inside of me to begin with. That is the power of detachment. When you detach from your way of doing things, when you detach from your outcomes, when you detach from the way you do things in a certain way, then you can begin to empower others. Then you can begin to create this vortex around you in the quantum field that allows a natural collapsing of the wave function And your desires and your goals begin manifesting themselves automatically because there is this magnetic field of attraction, the law of attraction in the universe. So all the universal laws, they begin to formulate around you. And that is the power of detachment, everyone. I hope you like this video because I really love talking about these things and breaking it down to you. And I really, really, I really wish to live in a world where we really understand what it means to be a human, what it means to allow the light within to come out of us as universe wants it, because we are the universe experiencing itself through us. Thank you for watching and keep shining your light. Until next time. Bye everyone.