Dr. Shiny Unsal explains the coaching relationship as a third entity with its own mission and boundaries, separate from coach and client. She breaks down anxious attachment and how coaches can stay detached by treating intuition as a suggestion, not truth, and using a simple format: acknowledge, then ask an open question that sets a loving boundary.
Chapters
A relationship is a third separate living entity co-created by two or more people. It's what happens in between spaces. It's not you, not the client, it's the relationship, right? So this, this is you, the coach. This is the client. That is the relationship. That's a separate entity. It lives by its own rules and regulations. It's a, it's a different system. This system is gonna require its own mission, vision statements, and values, and boundaries, and timeline, and all that, okay? You're literally becoming an architect of this third entity. A very, very simple format you can practice in your breakout sessions. You're gonna say, every time you hear something, oh, I hear what you're saying, and then you're gonna ask a question. What is a loving boundary you can communicate from now on? The formula is, I hear what you're saying, and here's my question, open-ended question. I see what I see what you're saying, or I see your point. Here is my question. As you will remember, there are 4 attachment styles. If you have an anxious attachment style, here is the symptom. I know it because I have gone through it. I had anxious attachment style because of my conditioning with my father. I need to do something so that I receive love. That's anxiety. That's anxiousness. If you find yourself, oh my God, you know, I'm doing it because I need to receive love. That's the conditioning that we first had when we were little. And that is why we don't feel safe. You're trying to get accepted. You're trying to get understood. You're trying to be safe, seen, heard, appreciated. That's a conditioning.
One of the things that really stuck out to me, and I agree with Jan, is detaching from your own personal insights. But for me, I realized when I'm in a coaching session, especially when I'm not grounded like Jan said, you're ending up coaching yourself throughout the whole time that you're there because you're having to, you have to get back to center each time. So each time something hits you, you're like, okay, you cannot react to that. Coaching yourself back in. So the sooner you get to the point where you are automatically coaching yourself throughout, you don't have to think about it anymore. And I think that becomes a little difficult in the beginning because you're having to coach yourself and the other person.
I just want you to use your intuition. You are your own universe and your intuition is telling you something. The trick is you cannot be attached to your intuition. You cannot be attached to your thinking, your feeling, anything, because it's not about you.
Okay?
What you do is you use your intuition as a tool and then you just separate yourself from it and then you just drop it as a beneficial contribution to your client. Something like, my intuition tells me there might be more into this. I might be wrong. Shall we look at this or not? Boom. So it's always like detached. Whenever you are detached, From your perspective, that's mastery.
