Dr Shiny Unsal explains why feeling safe—seen, heard, and appreciated—matters most in relationships. Your amygdala scans for threat constantly. Four practices help: stop dismissing others' perspectives, stop criticizing their style, stop telling them what to do, and practice acceptance.
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Hello everyone, my name is Shiny Unsal. I am the proud creator of Neuroshine Technology, ICF Master Certified Coach, ICF Accredited Coach Trainer, and a licensed trainer of Neuro Linguistic Programming. <LYRICS>You're ready to shine, come on, it's the shiny one, you got this. If you wanna go, go, let's see.</LYRICS> Today I want to talk to you about safety and how you as a human being can cultivate safety and trust in others, and of course why that is important. Listen, the whole reason I created Neuroshine Technology as the technology for truth is this: at the core of each and every single one of us as a human being, we want to be safe, seen, heard, and appreciated by others. This is the fundamental truth of being a human being. And that's why I want you to focus on this very basic principle when you are watching this video. When I am sharing 4 ideas for you to make others feel safe around you, please remember, Safety comes first. Let me remind you, this is your brain, half brain, and in your emotional brain, in your limbic system, there is a part called the amygdala. And amygdala is responsible for your survival, not only your physical survival, but also for your emotional survival, the survival of your opinions, values, beliefs, goals, perspectives, ideas. You get the idea. So because of this amygdala and because of how we are hardwired as a human being, safety comes first. If you're not safe, you're not going to stay in that environment. Am I right? That's exactly why as a human being, you need to, have to integrate language patterns, thinking patterns, and behavior patterns that are going to make yourself and others feel safe around you. Are you ready? Let's go! Number 1: Stop dismissing people's perspectives. What do I mean by that? You may not even realize you are doing this, but especially if you have this avoidant attachment style from your childhood, from the way you are raised in your family or in your upbringing, in your environment, whoever your caregivers were, you might be unconsciously dismissing people. When people tell you, this is how I feel, maybe you are not aware, but maybe you're telling them, no, no, no, don't feel that way. It's unnecessary. That's stupid to feel that way. Mm-hmm. That's a red flag right there. Stop doing that. People just like you have the right to feel the emotion or to feel the need or to feel the desire that they feel, and then they have the right to do so. Like, Humanity 101, right? Human rights. But in your language, if you are knowingly or unknowingly dismissing their perspective, their ideas, their opinions, their beliefs, then you might be making them feel unsafe around you. Why is that? Again, I'm gonna come back to the amygdala, Mr. Amygdala. Amygdala is going to do whatever it takes for any human being to survive, and that survival comes with safety. And that is the center that is going to do everything in its power to create safety because amygdala scans the environment 6 times a second looking for danger, looking for threats. And if your language, if your behavior, if anything that you say or do, even nonverbal, creates this feeling of unsafe or dangerous or attacking type of a feeling in the other person, That is not happening. So that's why, number 1, you have to stop dismissing people's perspective. You have to stop disagreeing with everything that they say. You have to stop trying to be right or trying to be better or smarter or whatever, whatever, like superiority. Stop it. That is the first thing you can do. All right, let's go to number 2. Stop criticizing their style. What do I mean by their style? Maybe their style is different than you. Maybe they are a little bit more emotional. And by the way, you can take the personality test. I highly, highly recommend. I also use it in my leadership class that I teach at UCLA. I ask all my students to take that free test. It's 16personalities.com, and then you can understand your style. If you are more emotional in the way you deal with life, that is normal. And if you are not an emotional type, maybe you are the thinking type, you are more logical type, then you need to stop criticizing if somebody is being a little bit more emotional than you are, because that's who they are and you're who you are. Right? So there is no point to criticize people, to tell them what to do, and to actually try to change that because it's not in your control. People are only going to change if they want to. And in my Nourish Shine technology, I have this one simple formula: change equals awareness multiplied by willingness. So awareness can be there, but if they are not willing to change, they will not change, which means you are unable to change them. So that's why there is no point for you to criticize, for you to judge them and directly put it to their face. There are better ways. There are more elegant ways, more intelligent ways communicate if you want to make something more obvious for them. But that is not criticizing, so you have to stop it if you want to create safety. Number 3: stop telling them what to do or what to say. Can you relate to this? If people come and tell you, hey, you gotta stop doing this and start doing that, like, you'll be like, leave me alone, you know, it's up to me to decide, right? You have your own freedom. You know who you are, you know what you want, and you know what you don't want. Therefore, you do not want to be ruled or controlled or directed by others, right? Unless you choose them to do so, right? If it is unwilling that somebody comes and tells you what to do, you wouldn't like that. So the same thing applies to the other people. So you gotta stop telling them what to do and what not to do. Because as you keep talking to them in that way, guess what? You are triggering their amygdala. And as you trigger their amygdala, they are going to feel in danger and they are going to do whatever it takes not to hear you, but to defend themselves, to be right. Because that's what amygdala does when it gets triggered. It is either fight or flight. Okay, so they're either going to avoid you, they're not going to tell you anything, or they're going to fight with you. That is the survival mechanism. And you do not want to become this violent factor for anybody. You do not want to attack anyone's identity, anyone's needs, beliefs, and opinions and perspectives. You do not want to tell them what to do. I guess I made my point. Number 4, So then if you are going to stop dismissing their perspective, stop criticizing, and stop telling them what to do, what are you gonna do? You're going to accept them as who they are. If you want the same from others, to feel safe around them, that's what you gotta give to them. All right? Accepting, acceptance, aligning with who they are. I know it is not easy. It's easier said than done. I know, I've been there, done that. And it starts with you. You gotta accept yourself as who you are. You gotta stop dismissing your truths. You gotta stop judging yourself. You gotta stop being critical and being hard on yourself. And you gotta start forgiving yourself. You gotta start accepting your ugly parts, even though it's not easy. That's where it all begins, my friend. I know it's not easy, but it is possible and it is all worth it. That's why it's called human growth, and that's why it's called personal development, professional development, deepening relationships, and cultivating trust and safety in yourself and others. There you have it. I truly hope you got a lot out of this video. I'm telling you, this is one of the most critical videos you've ever watched. Please keep coming back to this again and again whenever you feel like there is something wrong in your relationships, because I can bet you, you triggered someone's amygdala, and that's why you are having problems. All right, so if you liked it, please put a like on it and share it with others so that we can all become aware of Mr. Amygdala and how we can cultivate trust and safety in others around us. And subscribe to my channel for more videos like this and amazing content like this. Why wouldn't you? It's just awesome to be a subscriber member of my Shiny Minds Show. So that you and I can create a much better world with more love and shiny minds.
She's the shiny one, shiny one, shiny one. You know she's lots of fun, lots of fun, lots of fun. Making fun. She's the shiny one, shiny one, shiny one. And you have lots of fun, lots of fun, lots of fun. Change with fun.
