The Leadership Pattern You Can’t See

I was in a boardroom once where the tension was thick enough to slice with a butter knife. On paper, it was just another quarterly strategy meeting. In reality, it was deja vu. Same faces, same disagreements, same outcomes. That's the thing about patterns. They don't just announce themselves. They feel like how we do things around here. And if you're a leader, those patterns don't just shape your behavior. They shape the culture around you without you realizing it. When the stakes are high, your nervous system reach for the move it trusts the most. Whether that's taking control or smoothing things over or filling the silence or disappearing entirely. Here's the reality. You learned that move long before you had a leadership title. It worked once. It kept the peace. It got you results. It earned you trust. And now it's running in the background like a program you forgot you installed, so automatic you don't notice. It's shaping your decisions, your relationships, even the unspoken rules of your team. Let me give you a real example. A CEO I worked with, we'll call her Diana was proud of her calm under pressure attitude. In every crisis, she stayed steady, unflappable. The eye of the storm. But there was a problem her team kept missing. Critical risks, not hiccups. Big, expensive problems. And when we dug in, here's what we found. Her calm wasn't just poise. It was a lifelong pattern of avoiding visible conflict. She thought she was modeling composure. Her team read it as don't bring me the bad news. And once that message landed, no one spoke up until the problems were too big to hide. And then the cost is tripled. Maybe your version isn't avoiding conflict. Maybe it's charging ahead without checking the details. Or maybe over, preparing to prove your value. Or maybe it's saying yes when you actually are thinking you should say no. Different moves, same trap. The pattern takes over. Here's another one. A COO I worked with. We'll call him Mark. Monday morning, 9:05am weekly standup. Mark is already halfway through his meeting before half the team has even sat down. He's talking fast, rattling off priorities, stacking deadlines like pancakes. People are nodding, scribbling. No one's saying a word. And then halfway through, I lean over and whisper two. Do you notice that no one's spoken yet? And that's when it clicked. Mark's pattern wasn't silence. It was filling every gap so no one else could. He thought he was being efficient, and frankly, he felt uncomfortable with the silence. But his team felt steamrolled, and the best ideas they stayed locked in someone else's head. Once he saw that, he started leaving space, literally. Silence for other voices. And yes, it felt awkward at first. But within weeks, meetings went from monologue to collaboration. He didn't lose control. He gained better outcomes. So how do you spot something you've been doing your whole life? For Diana, one of the fastest ways was the Enneagram. If you're not familiar, think of it like a GPS for your blind spots. It maps nine distinct ways of seeing the world and reacting under stress. And it doesn't put you in a box. It shows you the box you're already in. It hands you the tools to step out of it. For Diana, it revealed exactly why her reflex was to keep the surface smooth. For Mark, it explained why he filled every gap with his voice. For someone else, the pattern might be needing to win at all costs, or constantly seeking approval, or avoiding decisions to keep everyone happy. The point isn't memorizing the nine types. The point is awareness. Naming your go to move so you can decide if it's actually helping in the moment. Here's the tricky part. You can't read the label from inside the jar. So we're all blind to our own default moves because they feel like us. They feel right. Right? They feel normal. And that's where coaching changes the game. A good coach holds up a mirror not to judge you, but to catch you in the moments you can't catch yourself. They notice when the tone shifts and your breath changes and when your language gets tight. And then they ask the questions that just pulled the thread. Why that move? Why? What would happen if you tried the opposite? And that's how a pattern goes from invisible to optional. Now, here's why this matters. Until you see the pattern, you can't change it. But once you do see it, everything shifts. Diana started naming the risks in the room. Her team followed her lead, not just in composure, but in candor. Decisions got sharper. Problems surfaced earlier, and Mark started leaving space. His meetings became two way conversations. Innovation sped up. His team didn't just execute. They were starting to own the outcomes. And isn't that what everyone's asking for? Ownership? It wasn't a personality transplant. It was a pattern shift. So here's my invitation. Get curious about the moves you make on autopilot. Notice that moment you default to the same behavior. It's a clue. And then use tools like the Enneagram to find the shape of your box. Work with someone who can help you see you've been too close to notice. Because the moment you see the pattern is the moment you get to lead on purpose instead of letting your past lead for you. I'm Susan Drumm, CEO, advisor and executive coach and author of the Leaders Playlist. If you're ready to grow your leadership from the inside out, you're in the right place. Hit subscribe. Let's get started.