how I went from being the shyest in the room to speaking on stages to thousands - shy girl advice!

I went from being literally the shyest kid ever, had such a crazy fear of rejection, to now talking to thousands of people at a time and being a public speaker for a living. If you don't know me, hi, I'm Tilly, and I was quite literally the shyest person known to man ever since I was really, really little. And you know, people say that, but like, I was really shy. When I got to primary school, I was literally that kid who would sit on the bench while everybody else would be playing because I was so shy to talk to people. And where the shyness kind of stemmed from was a fear of rejection. It was the actual action of having to ask somebody to play. I had it in my head like completely that if I asked somebody to play, then they would say no, they didn't want to play with me. That was in my head. And so I would literally sit by myself every single break time. I vividly remember like coming up with my own imaginary games. I had a dog back then called Pom Pom, and me and Pom Pom used to run around on my own. I probably looked like a right freak, but I used to run around on my own with my imaginary dog in my mind, and we used to jump over people's shadows. And that's what I would do every single break time because I was so scared to just ask somebody if I could play. I had to pluck up the courage to do virtually anything. But then you get to the point now where I'm a public speaker. I literally talk for a living in every sort of work I've done. It's all to do with like talking. Now I've got to have some courage to be able to get up on stage in front of thousands of people where I will just talk for like an hour straight. That's my job. I feel like that transition is absolutely wild, and honestly, I couldn't tell you how it happened. So we're gonna dissect this, and I also wanted to give some people hope. If you feel like you're really, really shy, socially awkward, and you just— I don't know, maybe you want hope that it doesn't stay like that, or you want some practical tips on how to get better, more confident speaking, or more confident in yourself, then you're in the right place. So as early as I can remember, I've been painfully shy. Like I said, I didn't want to ask anybody to play, I didn't want to open my mouth, literally hid behind everybody and everything. I just was that sort of girl. But also, for as long as I can remember, I've been my own sort of therapist as well. Whenever there's been something that I want to tackle, I will literally sit down with myself ever since the age of 4 years old and like pep talk myself through it. And this is exactly what happened when I was like, how old are you, like 4 years old, in the first year of primary school. And I literally just remember one break time, I look around, I see everybody like playing in their own little groups, and I'm yet to pick up the courage just to ask to play. In that moment, I was sat on the bench, I was 4 years old, and I was like, Tilly, you actually need to get a grip. Like, are you gonna spend your whole life through primary school with no friends? Are you gonna spend it alone playing imaginary games with an imaginary dog like your whole life? How are you gonna do this? Like, basically grow up, get yourself together, and do it. Basically, just do it. So I remember having this talk with myself on the bench, and I did in fact pluck up the courage eventually to get up and ask to play. And when I asked to play, they did tell me no, which was kind of funny, but we did become friends after that point. I just find that so funny now, like, that was my biggest fear and then it happened, but like, it was chill, it wasn't that deep. And then they grew up to be like my good friends in primary school, so you know, it's not that deep. And I was so glad that I just bit the bullet and did it. First things first, when it comes to being really, really shy, I think the first thing you want to do is kind of do some like shadow work and figure out why am I this shy? Because you might just think it's your personality and that's who you are, but sometimes if you actually just sit down and think about, you know, what could have happened in my life to make me this shy? Like for me, I was shy, yes, but I knew it was a fear of rejection. And I recently, really recently actually, did a deep dive on why I was this shy when I was little, when clearly me as a person, I'm not that shy. But when I was younger, I had this really bad fear of rejection and I was like, where did this come from? Seriously, where did it come from? And there might be something in your life that made you really, really shy. If you just stop to think about it, maybe not, but like 99% of the time something happened which made you feel that way. And if you try and like zone in on what sort of shyness you are, like if it's like talking to somebody, just really struggle and can't think of things to say, maybe that's because you don't back yourself or you feel inferior to people. When you're at school, there's like— I hate how stereotypical this is, but you have like the popular lot and the less popular lot. And when I was talking to the quote-unquote popular lot, I would be like really quiet, like don't have much to say at all. Whereas when I would be talking to somebody who are considered less popular or whatever, we'd hit it off so much, you know. And I don't know whether that's because you are in your head really insecure about talking to the popular lot. You're thinking they're popular, so they're good with people and things, and you must be the problem. But I always found when I was talking to people who weren't considered that, like, I always had a better time with them, and I love the conversations we'd have. I feel a lot more confident in myself when it came making conversation, and that would lead to having like a more fun conversation that wasn't stressful at all. If it's in those sort of settings that you're really shy, like I said, that could be you second-guessing your own conversation skills because you think, oh, they've got all these friends, so if this conversation isn't good, I'm the problem and not them because they've got so many friends and I don't. Maybe you don't. Or if it's something like public speaking, I saw a thing recently which was going through all these scenarios, and they basically said you're not scared of the scenario, you're scared of the feeling in case it goes wrong. Like, that's anxiety summed up pretty much. So when you're scared to be public speaking, you're not scared of public speaking, you're scared of being embarrassed on the stage or being perceived. You're scared of the emotions that come with being on stage and it not going completely smooth sailing. You're scared of the feelings, you're not scared of the action, which I think is a really nice mindset shift because it makes this fear feel internal. Although we can't completely control our emotions, if it's within yourself, then you have more knowledge over it and you're more informed and you can do things to help combat that sort of feeling and that anxiety. You're not scared of the external, you're scared of how it's going to make you feel internally, and in turn you can kind of coach yourself through that. So that's a little bit of practical advice if you are really shy and you're looking to combat that. You have the power, remember that. How you feel is the power you hold over everything that could ever happen. It's like embarrassment. Like, I literally fell flat on my face in Camden the other day that is so embarrassing, that is so embarrassing. But if you just decide whatever shit happens, like, it's fine, then you're not embarrassed anymore. Like, you can control that. You have control over your emotions way more than you might think. And maybe not initially, you get that shock, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed, how did I let that happen? You hate yourself for tripping over, but then you can take a step back and own it and just be like, yo, I'm human. I'm not gonna say that I did not go to sleep every night after that, like, literally flinching as I'm trying to go to sleep thinking, oh, that embarrassing thing I did back in 2020. Because we do that, we're human, but we actually have more control over those impulses than we think. So once I finally plucked up the courage to actually ask to join in in a game back in primary school, I was all good, you know. I was hanging out with my group of friends, everything was fine. But there were countless situations in my life since where I've had to give myself a pep talk and be like, Tilly, you can do it, just do it. A little later in my life, I started stage school, which is interesting because I feel, you feel like you start stage school and that'll give you loads of confidence and I feel like now in my life, like in the long run, it probably really, really helped that I did that back in the day. Back in the day. But it was interesting because I think when you age, shyness and insecurity can actually come up more. Like you think it's going to be the reverse and it does get that way even more in the future but I feel like you get worse before you get better. I started stage school and I was so confident, like heaps of confidence at this point. I don't know what flipped. I really enjoyed stage school and I was confident in my ability to sing, to dance, and do all those things, so maybe that was it. I was confident in my ability to take on a role. I did stage school for about 5 years and I feel like I got older through stage school and I started with heaps of confidence and that really dipped as I got older. And again, I think this comes with age. If you're watching this video right now and you are like 13, like 11 to like 14 years old, I just want to tell you right now, this is going to be the peak time in your life where you feel like you are the problem. You're not the problem, and I'm gonna do a whole video on this, but I think every single person, even the most confident ones you saw at school and think, oh my God, I just wish I could hold a conversation like they do— so many people in that time of their life for some reason all think they struggle. And I think it's because there's such a thing about awkward silences. Like, I remember at school, if we'd be talking and then there was literally a second of silence, somebody would just pipe up and be like, awkward silence, and everyone's just like— and it makes the whole thing awkward. Silence isn't awkward, but when you're that age, you feel the need to fill every single silence. You probably felt the same way as I do. That could potentially be why you're watching this video now, maybe. But when I was that age, I would go home and literally— I'm gonna give a quick shout out to this YouTube channel because I religiously used to go home and go to bed I would literally sleep listening to Charisma on Command, which is so cringy and embarrassing to say, but they're a YouTube channel who literally give tips on how to start a conversation. If you're a person who has not gone home and Googled "how do I start a conversation" right now, then I envy you because I just feel like that's a universal experience. I used to get home from school, Google "how to start a conversation" and then go to sleep to like a queue of videos on how to grow charisma and things like that, which hey, might have helped me in the long run, but at the time I didn't need to do that. Like, you actually don't need to do that. You're not the problem. There's just so much more emphasis on awkwardness and things like that when you're that age. I was really shy for a lot of those years, and to be honest, I still feel like a little bit shy now, but only specifically talking to people my age. Which is really weird, you know. I don't know whether that is still like a fear of judgment or what, but I still, I feel like, struggle the most talking to people my age than I do public speaking on a stage with thousands of people, or than I do talking to a professional or networking. Like, talking to people my age about like small talk, I still kind of struggle with. You can be shy in one place and completely extroverted in the other. So it's really confusing. But if you want to really tackle your shyness all around, zone in on which aspect you are shy in and go even deeper and be like, why? Why do I feel this way? Is it a fear of rejection? Is it a fear of being laughed at? Is it because I don't really have much faith in what I'm talking about? If it's something like knowledge or what you've learned, maybe you're not as confident in what you've learned and you don't feel comfortable sharing. If you're not comfortable sharing with people your own age, perhaps it's an inferior thing, or you just don't want to talk about the the same things, and that's okay because there's so many different people in the world and you'll find your people. I think the biggest thing in life is life experience, really. The more you do things, the more confident and comfortable you will be with doing them. But before you can get to that point, you've just got to take that first step. Like me when I was 4 years old, giving myself pep talks. I still do that to this day. Like, I will give myself a pep talk before I walk into the room. And you might think that sounds really, really stupid, but I promise you, if you just try it, you'll realize that it actually really helps because it helps like a sort of build up period to just be like, okay, this is coming, this is how I feel, but we got this. And then on the we got this, you just walk through the door, you just walk through the door. And if it helps, you can channel a different sort of energy or different sort of character. I saw people doing that recently, which I think is really cool. It helps you walk with, you know, your head a little bit higher if you're picturing that you're Beyoncé. It just works like that. But the ultimate goal is getting comfortable and confident enough to walk into a room as your authentic yourself. You don't feel like you need to channel anybody because you are that bitch and you know you can do it. Practical tips that I feel like have helped me be more confident is number 1, just knowing who you are. Like, especially if you're going into a network sort of setting, you want to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want to talk about. If you really know yourself, that shows, you know. And if you're just trying to like blend in or trying to be somebody else, it will show. So you need to know yourself through and through, know what you stand for. And whenever you're stuck in a conversation, you can always lead it around back to that because that's something you really know about yourself, you're really passionate about. And I find when you talk about things you're really passionate about, you're never going to find like an awkward silence or anything because you can ask me about some things and I will literally talk forever. So find out what you like to talk about and talk about it. It is so difficult in the beginning, but once you just do it a couple more times, your body gets used to it and it is epic. I think how you appear, your expression and like what you're wearing has a lot to do with your confidence as well. Like for me, if I'm having a bad hair day, the girls know, like, if you're having a bad hair day, the day is ruined because you just can't feel confident. But sometimes when you put in that little extra effort with your outfit, with your hair and your makeup, it makes you feel confident and you can walk into the room like you own it. This is why whenever I'm doing public speaking or anything, I always like to put some effort into how I walk on that stage, the first things I say, my body language, and everything like that. If you feel like you look good, you feel good. Even if it's just like putting on a bracelet, you know, you've made that extra effort. I do think a lot of confidence comes with life experience and aging. Like when you're really young or like a young teenager, you think awkward silences are the end of the world and sometimes you just need somebody to be like, listen, I've been there, but now I'm older, it really isn't, and you don't need to be so obsessed with filling every single silence. I always find that the shyest people genuinely have the most to say and the most to share. Like, I've been to so many different events where people get up on stage and like share their stories and what they're doing and everything, and I've sat and chatted to them in the green room, and everybody in that room's been like, yeah man, I used to be so shy. It's like, what do you mean you used to be so shy if you're getting up on stage speaking like that? Like, you're so confident, like I'm talking to you now. It literally seems that almost everybody who has so much to share— because let's be real, probably everybody has so much to share. The people who have the most interesting insights to share were really, really shy and had to combat that. And I feel like combating anything, any sort of issue, if you face that head-on, that makes you such an epic person in general anyway, because you've noticed this thing about yourself, you've done some shadow work, you've worked yourself through it, and here you are, like, so successful because you've pushed through. And now you're able to stand on this stage and make a living and share all this wisdom. Like, I was talking to a guy the other day called Stephen Ibaraki, and he is like tech AI genius, traveled the world, CEO of AI for Good. Like, that man has so much wisdom to share, and he was like, yeah, I was super shy. I'm like, it is a crime to the world that you were super shy and bit your tongue for so long, sir, because you are amazing. And what he was talking about was amazing. So on that note, I just want you to know that other people want to hear what you have to say. You might think your life is completely irrelevant and not important. I think that's where a lot of shyness comes from. Like, you feel like what you could say isn't important, or it's like it's not worth saying and risking somebody not laughing at the joke because it's not that important and it's fine. Like, you think the risk is bigger than the reward. Something I've genuinely learned talking to so many, so many people from so many different walks of life as well— I'll talk to somebody and think like, well, I'm like a teenage girl and they're like a middle-aged man talking about something that I've never heard anything about and never research myself, but you can learn from literally everybody, and you are in that collective of everybody. You can speak to anybody and take something away, no matter how small you might think your information is. The best thing about humans is connecting, you know, and sharing these stories. And we can be on completely different walks of life, but you can learn something from everybody. And that's something I genuinely live by. So even if you think your story and your information of what you could share means absolutely nothing, I promise you that's probably you stopping yourself from forming genuine, deep, not surface-level connections. I think my biggest advice to anybody who is really, really shy and wants to combat that is know yourself, know what you want to talk about, know your own insecurities in it all, generally work through it and I think a way that you can work through it is getting out of your comfort zone and starting a conversation, be it in a coffee shop. I know this sounds like hell, you're like really, is that the first step of what you're to like work our way up to just starting a conversation in a coffee shop. But sometimes you just have to throw yourself in the deep end. You just need to know that what you have to say is valuable, is meaningful, is worth sharing. And once you just flick that little switch in your brain, which makes you feel more relevant because you are, you can build these connections. And my other piece of advice is don't go into a conversation trying to fill all the gaps. Go into a conversation, I challenge you, right? Start a conversation and talk the bare minimum. Like, obviously interact with what they have to say, but like, go into the conversation, you start it, and start it to listen. I think that's one of the first steps to learning how to talk to people is listening. You are a rubbish talker if you don't listen, and you're a rubbish listener if all you do is talk. You need to find a happy medium, start a conversation and talk as little as possible. And the best conversationalists you'll know will do that. It's really interesting. You think I could talk to you forever and ever, but they'll hold back and they'll let you talk and make you feel important because that's what it's all about, connecting to people and wanting to feel heard. To this day for me, shy little bursts do creep in, but I just find when I've put myself in so many situations where I have spoken to people and I've learned so much, It is a crime to be on this earth with so many amazing people and not get to know every single person. It's like whatever you're into, like books, I love books and it is a crime for me to know that in your entire lifespan you're not going to be able to read every single book, you know, like I'm not going to be able to meet and hear from every single person and that's what you want to go into life feeling, just knowing that everybody has something to offer including yourself. I think that's a really nice note to end on. I really hope this resonates with some people, and I know sometimes I just sit here and start yapping, but this is the format of video I love to make because I honestly sometimes feel like I'm journaling as I'm speaking, and you figure things out, and it's just really, really cool. I get a lot of comments of people resonating with what I have to say, and when I, when I've gone to these networking events and gotten to speak to so many people, and the most confident people in the world have told me they were really, really shy I'm just like, damn, like I feel like this is such a relatable thing that everybody deals with. They have to be better at conversation. Sometimes it's not even about the conversation, it's about listening and connecting. If you go into every conversation feeling like, I want to actually connect with this person rather than I want to hear what they have to say and me say what I want to say, like that just brings you to a whole new level. And the more you speak to people, you'll learn that we're literally all in the exact same boat and you'll know more and more every time that you can do it and you can make friends. Like that, and you can connect with people who are actually really, really meaningful and gel with you. Stop second-guessing yourself. You're amazing. You are valuable. You have wisdom from your own life experiences. From one shy girl to another, you've got this. Thanks so much for watching. Make sure to like, comment, and subscribe if you enjoyed this video. Definitely do leave a little comment down below if this resonated with you. Tell me any sort of stories or times where maybe you have opened up and reached a whole new level with somebody, because I love that. And I feel like that is just so inspiring and makes you want to lead every single day with confidence. The confidence to just walk over and say hi, that's sometimes all it takes. So thank you, my loves. Thank you for watching. I love you so much, and I will see you in the next video. Bye!