A decluttering author explains why we struggle to let go: objects become identity markers tied to our past selves. Around age two, children start assigning ownership to toys. As adults, a rose-gold iPhone or college sweatshirt feels like part of who we are. Recognizing these emotional ties makes releasing items easier.
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The whole premise of my book is once you understand why you're holding on to the things you're holding on to, the letting go is easy. Okay? And it's similar to weight loss. We all know how to lose weight. We eat healthy food and we exercise, right? But why do we not do it?
It's no fun. Exactly.
Decluttering isn't fun either, although it can be. It can be funner if I'm there with you, and music, and maybe a glass of wine.
Yeah, something to lessen the pain.
But here's what typically happens: you start decluttering and all of a sudden the project stops and you're like, "Oh, I think I'll run to the store," or something stops you in your track. And what that is, is emotion.
Yeah.
And suddenly we can't make decision, and we think it's a mental, like, game, but it's not. It's emotions. And so we're avoiding feeling. Decluttering takes feeling, and this is why we don't want to do it. We're all avoiding feeling. And we could even take it a step further. We're not just avoiding feeling, we're avoiding grieving, and I'm not even talking about somebody's past, I'm talking about grieving parts of ourselves from the past. So I began to understand where the impetus of why we even have possessions to begin with. I was on a podcast and the interviewer was saying, why do I go to the store and my, my 2-year-old wants to put all this stuff in my grocery cart? Or not the grocery cart, but the like, you know, you know, department store cart. And I began to think about this, and I realized, and this is something that child development psychologists know, around 2 years old is when we start to individuate. It's when we realize that we are separate from that toy. And when that happens, that toy becomes a possession. And it's not only a possession, but an identifier. Of who we are. I am that green truck. That is mine, and I identify with having a green truck. Well, fast forward about 40 years, and now I identify with the rose gold iPhone. It's no different. We have not gone past the terrible twos in this is mine, mine, mine, mine. And when we say that, what we're saying is that's part of my identity. That college sweatshirt with my sorority letters is part of who I am, it identifies who I am. Think about how strong that identity was in college. I'm an Alpha Gam. I was captain of the softball team. I wasn't, but I was in Alpha Gamma Nu.
