An American moving to Canada needs to learn the metric system, survive black ice winters, navigate free but slow healthcare, embrace hockey culture, and accept that Tim Hortons coffee is mediocre but mandatory. The speaker covers eleven cultural shocks, from saying sorry constantly to buying beer in two-fours, with heavy doses of sarcasm about what it actually takes to fit in.
Chapters
I've had a lot of Americans in my comments asking if they can come live here in Canada, and look, we get it, you've had a rough time. But before you pack up the U-Haul and head north, there are 11 things that you are going to have to learn. Number 1: the metric system. And I'm sorry, but we are right on this one. In fact, you are only one of 3 countries in the world that has not officially adopted metric yet, and the other 2 are Liberia and Myanmar. Metric just makes sense. 0 is freezing, 100 is boiling. Clean, simple. Fahrenheit was obviously invented by some drunk guy in Minnesota who thought 32 was nippy. Which brings me to number 2: how to drive in winter. Black ice, by the way, is not a cocktail. It is the reason your pickup is in the ditch. Every Canadian has a story about black ice, and none of them end with, "And then I got to work on time." If you think you can handle Canadian winters because you once drove through a snowstorm in Ohio, no, you can't, and shut up. Number 3: here is how healthcare works in Canada. You walk in, you get treated, you walk out. Nobody swipes your credit card. You don't have to Venmo the nurse. We don't even have Venmo up here. What you do get is a plastic chair in a waiting room that smells of antiseptic and despair, and you will sit in it until your name is called. And while you wait, you will start looking around and diagnosing other people in the room. That guy's a goner. Number 4: hockey. Here, kids start playing hockey early, and by play hockey, I mean their parents mortgage the house to pay for equipment, ice time, and hotel rooms in Moose Jaw. Now look, you do not have to love the sport, but you'd better know what city team is closest to you because if you don't, you're not quirky, you're a national security threat. Number 5: Tim Hortons. Look, Tim Hortons is not just bad, it is aggressively bad. The coffee is basically warm water that might have sat near a bean at some time. The sandwiches taste like drywall, but somehow with less texture. But this is still Canada. We line up for it every morning, not because we like it, but because we've accepted that the meaning of life is suffering. Number 6: Place names. The big city in Ontario is pronounced "Trana." Nobody says the second T except Americans. Newfoundland is "New Fun Land," and if you don't clap it out, they'll know you're from away and they will charge you extra for the beer. And yes, the capital of Saskatchewan rhymes with exactly what you think it does. Number 7: Politics. If you are moving here from the US, prepare yourself. There's no "us versus them" two-party system. There's us, them, those guys, the other guys, and Quebec doing something entirely on its own. 5 political parties, or maybe 7 actually? I've lost count. Think of elections less like an election and more like speed dating, except everyone shows up late, insults you to your face, and then somehow you still end up paying for the meal and their salary. Number 8: Apologizing. In Canada, sorry, sorry is not guilt. It is conversational rhythm. It's not an admission, it's a comma. Someone bumps into you, you say sorry. You bump into them, you say sorry. We say it so often there are actually laws here that says saying sorry doesn't legally count as an admission of fault. That's true. Number 9: The cold. And don't tell us that you get winter too. No, you don't. You get 2 inches of snow in Virginia and suddenly Anderson Cooper's outside wearing a parka the size of a camping tent and yelling like he's reporting from a war zone. If you look at the graph— whoa! Grocery stores sell out of milk, governors declare states of emergencies, and Somewhere, a man is being interviewed on live TV because he successfully walked to his mailbox. In Canada, we call that October. Ryan, what's it look like out there? Yeah, uh, it looks like snow. Number 10: The Canadian identity. We are not basically Americans. We're healthcare. If we were, our national animal would not be a beaver. It'd be something louder, like a bald eagle with a podcast. And finally, beer is sold not in cases, they're sold in two-fours. And yes, it is stronger than your piss water. So when you shotgun 3 at an East Coast kitchen party because you used to crush Bud Lights in college, don't be surprised when you wake up under a canoe. So yes, Americans, you can move here. But be warned, the day you show up at a barbecue and ask, "Do you have ranch?" That is the day the neighbors form a committee. And you do not want to be on the wrong side of a Canadian committee.
