50 States, 1 Verdict.

So you are an American who wants to join Canada. I'm pleased to announce that the government of Canada has given me the authority to admit certain states into confederation. I am now about to announce my decision for all 50 states and whatever the hell D.C. is. Like, are you people a city? A swamp? You keep changing your minds. Anyway, we're gonna start with Oregon. I am prepared to award all of you citizenship strictly because of Powell's Bookstore in Portland. Any place that worships literature so hard is basically a Canadian holy site. Portland is like if Vancouver decided to stop showering and start an artisanal donut shop. Your entire population looks like they could fix a bike chain with a mason jar. You're progressive and you're outdoorsy, and until recently you didn't let your citizens pump their own gas because you didn't trust your citizens with flammable liquid. Like, respect. That is Deeply Canadian approved. No notes. Rhode Island, where do I even start with you people? First of all, you're not even a fucking island. You're barely a state. You're the size of two Costcos. Your entire state could fit inside Toronto. Like, you're like if PEI got drunk and took out a yacht loan. Yeah, I mean, you do have charm. You have charm, but we would lose you every time we We folded the map. Denied. Alaska, you are practically Canadian. You've got oil, you've got cold so strong you could probably vote, but Russia can see you from their house? We do not need that kind of stress. Also, by the way, you could have shacked up with us in 1867 when the Russians put you on the market. As George W. Bush once said, fool me once, shame on— shame on you. Fool me You can't get fooled again. Provisional approval only. South Carolina, you people are spilling over with charm and golf courses and enough humidity to qualify as soup. You started the Civil War, which is a bad start, but you do have good barbecue, lovely people. You even wave at strangers, which in Canada is considered foreplay. Approved in exchange for a small cash bribe. West Virginia, you broke up with Virginia, which You know, shows initiative. Your state is home to my favorite video game, Fallout 76, but your economy is still basically coal. It's like you are literally called the Mountain State, but your primary economic activity is removing all the mountains. Also, why are you on fire so much? That's not right. You are giving like beautiful but troubled energy and we already have Kelowna for that. Take me home, country roads, but on a probationary basis only. Minnesota. As far as I can tell, the only reason you are not already part of Canada is because of some paperwork error. You're basically like a test market for us. You're like the beta test for Manitoba. You play hockey, you are aggressively nice. Half of you sound like us. The other half probably already have dual citizenship and wouldn't want to bring it up because it'd be impolite. Approved. Welcome home. Virginia. We have to talk. You guys, like, invented American democracy. Or something, didn't you? What are you guys doing down there? You even call yourselves the Mother of Presidents, which I have to tell you sounds a little less like a slogan to us and more like a Maury Povich episode. Whatever happened to Virginia is for Lovers? That was cute, kind of saucy. But you're also home to the Pentagon and CIA headquarters. We do not need that kind of heat. Our foreign policy is be nice and hope for the best. Denied for national security reasons. Kansas, You are flat. You are really, really flat. It looks like God started making topography and then had to take a meeting. Wonderful salt of the earth people, but in the end, my decision came down to one thing: tornadoes. Like, check my logic here, but your main cultural export is a movie about a girl desperately trying to escape via a tornado. It's a no. Plus, we already have Saskatchewan, and frankly, one province where you can watch your dog run away for 3 days is our limit. Colorado, you legalized weed and then you used the tax money to build hiking trails. It's pretty Canadian. I figure we can wedge you between like BC and Alberta as kind of like a stoned Switzerland. I mean, you're basically Alberta if Alberta admitted that it could have fun once. The problem with you people is you're too happy. We Canadians, we bond over complaining. You people are hiking at sunrise. It's weird. Like, you're in, but only if you promise to start complaining about something. Michigan, this is obviously a yes based strictly on cold weather personality. You're like our cousin who moved away and got like really into cars. We share lakes. You've got the whole a Motown thing. Flint's drinking water isn't flammable anymore, that's a plus. You're shaped like a mitten, which is like adorable, so conditional approval once you fix your pipes. Missouri, you call yourselves the Show-Me State? I'm sorry, but up here, "show me" is what people say when they don't trust you. Like, I don't think that's the flex you think it is. It's not that we think you're bad, it's just like, you're like terminally okay. You're like the shrug emoji of states. You gave us T.S. Eliot and Maya Angelou and then Josh Hawley. That is too much emotional whiplash. Also, I've looked at your voting records, you people have the political stability of a caffeinated squirrel. But credit where it's due, I once had a barbecue in St. Louis that fixed something deep inside me that therapy couldn't reach. Nebraska. I mean, it's probably a yes, you know, like you're a lot like Saskatoon but somehow less exciting, which is impressive in itself. You've got corn, you've got beef, you've got a football team that you care about more than your children. Your biggest tourist attraction is a football stadium that's empty 345 days of the year, which is like poetic in a kind of sad Midwestern way. You even have a town called Surprise, which feels a little bit like false advertising, but we'll allow it. Approved mostly for your commitment to consistency. Kentucky, you've got bourbon, which earns you a nod of respect, but then you've also got Mitch McConnell, which wipes that slate clean. They cancel each other out. We love whiskey, but we draw the line at turning football games from high school into religion. Also, what is with this? You claim you're from the South, but you are objectively not. You fought for the North, but also you definitely didn't. Like, pick a lane before we can even process this application. The only reason you're getting approved is because I think bluegrass came from there, and I heard a bluegrass version of AC/DC once, and it was amazing. Iowa: caucuses and corn, which I have to say sounds like a terrible folk band. You hijack democracy every 4 years with your baffling voting system. You make everyone pretend that Des Moines is interesting for 3 weeks, and then and then vanish into agricultural silence. That is extremely passive-aggressive, and we love it. Approved. The caucuses are done. I don't care if it's tradition, so is bloodletting. Wyoming. My God, you're tiny. I had to upgrade to a premium account on Google Maps just to see you. Your biggest city, we could fit 2 of them into the city I live in, and I live in Nanaimo. Our nightlife ends at 10 when Country Grocer turns off the parking lot music. I'll tell you what we do like about you, Wyoming— Wyomingians. You're rugged and self-sufficient and fond of sport but allergic to government. Like, we like all that, but you have to understand that in Canada, government is the sport. Also, what is with your state boundaries? So bland, so square, so boring. In fact, it's so boring, you probably didn't even realize this isn't your state. This is Colorado. This is Wyoming. Also, up here we bought into that PR that Yellowstone is just like a really beautiful national park. It's not. It's a goddamn supervolcano system that could end civilization. We don't need that anxiety. Denied for geological instability. Arkansas. First of all, why aren't you pronouncing it Arkansas? It looks like Arkansas. It's spelled like Arkansas. Arkansas is what happens when a Walmart parking lot becomes sentient and develops opinions. But wonderful people, you're the friend that shows up to a potluck with ribs and a chainsaw. And when people say, "Hey, what's with the chainsaw?" You say, "Just in case." Like that's a complete thought. Obviously approved. Never change, you beautiful chaos goblins. Georgia, you gave us Coca-Cola and CNN, so you obviously understand propaganda. Points for that. You're also turning purple politically, which shows character growth. But you swing harder than a Quebec referendum, and I don't mean pineapples and takeovers. What, by the way, what is the deal with your humidity? I do not consent to being hugged by a boiled towel. You know, you're kind of like a friend that almost got their life together. Now, this is going to be a no, but I will approve you probationally if you bring peaches. Oklahoma. It's like you're Texas's little brother who tries, like, a little too hard to get Dad's attention. We respect the hustle. After all, tornadoes seem to use you for target practice. Your tourism slogan may as well be, "Please stop hitting me." I mean, you're charming in that kind of like that, like, we rebuilt the barn with duct tape and prayer kind of way. I mean, we already have enough provinces powered by diesel fumes and resentment, but on humanitarian grounds, You are approved. Washington, the state, not D.C. We are not touching D.C. with a 3.048-meter pole. You've already got Seattle, which is Vancouver's moodier twin. You've got more Subaru Outbacks than Joe Rogan has independent thoughts. Coffee, tech, rain, passive aggression so strong your people treat eye contact as a hate crime. You get us. Approved. And honestly, I am backdating this to 1846 when we just should have kept you in the first place. Massachusetts, you're wicked smart, wicked rich, wicked impossible to understand. You kicked off a revolution over a tea tax. Which, I hate to break it to you, does not exactly endear you to Canadians. We don't hate taxes here. They're how we afford hospitals and roads that keep our mechanics employed. But you've got good universities, you legalized gay marriage early, approved on the condition you stop calling it "hawwad." Indiana. Listen, I'm just gonna say it. Your biggest tourist attraction is a car race where people turn left for 3 hours. We have the Indy 500 at home, it's called the Lionsgate Bridge Lane Changeover. You also have Mike Pence, who 4 years ago would have been an instant no. Now he's like the chaperone at a frat party who's just excited that everyone's hydrated. Your small towns are friendly, your pie game is strong. Approved on the condition that you practice your right turns. Okay, Idaho. Potatoes? That's your whole pitch? That's what you've got to offer us? We have PEI, they have Green Gables. What do you have, Napoleon Dynamite? All right, you have Napoleon Dynamite, I'll give you that. But that doesn't make up for the fact that every man in your state looks like he's waiting for a civil war that won't RSVP. I am going to give you a conditional approval, but we're going to put you in Fort Mack just to toughen you up a bit. New Jersey, love the attitude, love the Springsteen, love that you are the punchline to jokes that you don't even know are being told. You are like super aggressive in a way that makes Italian Canadians look subtle. That's a point in your favor, by the way. You are basically Commercial Drive in Vancouver if we all started smoking menthols at 14. Your massive confidence is absolutely unmatched. None of us can figure out if we're frightened by it or aroused by it. So, just do not honk at customs on your way in. In fact, uninstall your car horns before you come across. North Carolina, we have to talk about your politicians. Because some still think that broadband internet is witchcraft. Like, you passed bathroom bills and some of you are still mad about losing the Civil War. As far as we're concerned, you're like a sourdough starter. We want to love you, but we're worried you're not ready. The only reason you're approved is because deep down we believe you'll stop letting 1845 run your group chat. North Dakota, just merge, okay? There's no reason to have two Dakotas. You remember that spell in the late '90s when everyone spelled their kid Dakota? That's your fault. Your biggest city has a population of 100,000. 70,000 of those are trucks. That's not a negative, by the way. Your state is kind of empty, but like polite in a way that feels oddly familiar. I actually think you'll probably do well shadowing Manitoba for a couple of weeks while you're on probation. Vermont. Vermont. You're basically Quebec's English-speaking cousin. You make maple syrup, you make cheese, you make socialism look cozy. You gave us Bernie Sanders, the only American who can hold his own on a CBC panel without asking what a riding is. We'd annex you, but you'd probably volunteer to be taken, so what's the fun of that? Welcome in, you were always meant to be here. Louisiana. Oh my god, the food, the music, the chaos. You're basically what Canada would be if we ever learned how to have fun. You have gumbo and jazz and parades that start on a Tuesday for no reason. You're already better than us. But this was a tough call because your infrastructure is held together with jazz and a prayer. But you're like the people we wish we could be up here. Wild and loud and completely uninsurable. Approved. South Dakota, again, just call North Dakota and merge, please. None of us up here can tell you apart anyway, and together you might finally hit medium on a population chart. Also, I'm sure this isn't true because you all seem like very lovely people, but Mount Rushmore kind of feels like your whole personality. I mean, that's all we hear about up here. 4 dead guys carved into stolen land, which is kind of a weird flex, but lovely people, so approved as long as you promise not to carve Polyev's face into anything. Utah, you are beautiful. National parks for days. You do have a little bit of room to grow in that whole diversity thing. You know, variety is not light beige versus medium beige. I know that one kid in the marching band is left-handed, but come on. You're also dry in every sense of the word. Everyone is sober and in bed by 9, which Kind of makes us nervous. We are not ready for that kind of energy. Our country runs on beer and coffee. You don't even do caffeine properly. The only reason this is going to be a yes is because I've met some of you and you are the nicest people in the world. Pennsylvania, I am going to start with cheesesteaks because holy crap, I could grant all of you citizenship on those alone. You've got the attitude of Toronto, you've got the infrastructure of 1974, So you'd obviously fit in perfectly in Ontario, but only if you promise to stop naming every town after ones in England. Why do you do that? Approved, but we will take your Amish furniture industry. Tennessee. I mean, you're kind of overachievers, aren't you? Memphis, Nashville, Elvis, Dolly Parton, for God's sakes. We'd take you for Dolly alone. It's like you rolled culture and talent and a deep fryer all into one state. Well, that whole "we only expel Black politicians from our statehouse" thing was pretty shitty of you to do, so it was going to be a no, but I'm prepared to reconsider. Give us Dolly and we will get back to you. Maryland, bro, can we talk about your state flag? Like, are you good? It looks like it lost a bar fight. I'll tell you what I do like, though. You're half beach town, half bureaucracy. We'd rename you Ottawa-by-the-Sea. We could go on vacation and Stand in line and fill in forms. It'd be just like at home. Approved. Hawaii, you are everything Canadians dream about in February. Sunshine, beaches, and no one scraping ice off a windshield with a Shoppers Drug Mart points card. A culture that actually respects the land it's on. The problem is you are 47 time zones away. Even Quebec isn't that disconnected, and they're trying to be. Every Canadian who vacations there would end up working remotely for life, and we cannot handle that kind of paperwork. Normally, this would be a hard no. But if you build a bridge between you guys and Vancouver Island, I'll allow it. Wisconsin, you already know this is a yes, and for two reasons and two reasons alone: cheese and beer. You've got the drinking habits of Newfoundland and the accent of someone permanently mid-sneeze. You've turned cold weather into a personality. You're friendly. You've got regional pride that borders a little bit on delusion. Approved. Right to the front. Connecticut. I've always thought you guys are rich. Are you? Are you rich? Is that real? Like, I feel like you're the only place in the US that uses the word summer as a verb. I feel like parents there buy their children emotional support lacrosse coaches. You're like New England's smug middle child. Don't get me wrong, Canada can handle pride, but not that much cashmere. And worst of all, you'd be our first province with an HOA. The only reason this is going to be a yes is because every family needs one relative who reminds everyone else to use coasters. Nevada. Look, Las Vegas exists so Americans can buy things that they regret, right? We have Canadian Tire for that. We admire your entrepreneurial spirit, but if we legalized half your hobbies, we would have to double the bounties. Actually, you'd fit right in. We gamble too, except we call it the Toronto housing market and pretend it is responsible. New Mexico. You're like the kids who skipped class to hotbox behind the gym and then grew up to sell turquoise jewelry at farmers markets. You've got deserts, and you've got, uh, aliens and art galleries that smell like sage. You would definitely bring color to the prairies, I'll admit that, but you will have to get rid of those chakra realignment seminars. That shit will not fly with the Mennonites in Steinbach. Also, we would never survive in your heat. Canadians combust at 28 degrees Celsius. It's science denied on climate grounds. Montana, I didn't know this till I started working on your video, but your state is mostly built with elk. You're so quiet you might actually enjoy a CBC podcast. You're like Saskatchewan but with mountains, which actually makes you a little bit better than Saskatchewan. You, you hunt, you fish, you don't talk much. You've got a libertarian streak a kilometer wide, but it's, it's like that leave me alone kind of libertarian, not the let me explain crypto kind. So we can work with that. Approved on a 1-year probationary period. Do not make us regret this. Alabama. Very friendly people, but it feels like you all live in a Norman Rockwell painting that someone forgot to update. Like, I worry you would join Canada and then immediately demand the right to teach creationism in math class, or you try to ban books about penguins because they promote alternative lifestyles. Besides, we already have one province that is overly proud of itself for no reason. That's Quebec. We don't need two. Also, you deep fry butter. Butter, Alabama. Still, you mean well, we respect the passion. Approved on the condition that you see a cardiologist. They're free now, see? What did we tell you? Illinois. Chicago's great. Deep dish pizza, which is objectively a casserole, but we'll let that one slide. Questionable political ethics. Winters that build character and resentment in equal measure. All of that is basically Mississauga, so we will take Chicago as a city province, The rest of you, decision tabled. Maine. You are rural, you're cold, you're full of polite people who don't make eye contact, you have lobster, lighthouses, fog that never got the memo about visibility. Basically makes you the Maritimes already. You're so close in fact it feels rude to not invite you. You're, you're, maybe you're like a little perfect fit. Like, what are you hiding, Maine? Approved, but we're watching you. This feels like a setup. Mississippi, let's be honest, you're not winning any best in show awards for progress. You guys rank last in everything except incarceration rates. You've got history, sure, but most of it starts with, "So here's the problem. We would love to help you modernize, but we only have so many therapists. That said, Canada believes that the best comeback stories always start at the bottom. Plus, you gave the world blues and writers and people who don't back down." You're messy, flawed, and fascinating. Basically Newfoundland with humidity. So approved, but only because redemption arcs are kind of our thing. New Hampshire. I knew nothing about New Hampshire. For years I thought New Hampshire was a subdivision of Vermont. I thought you were Vermont's identical twin who joined some kind of libertarian pyramid scheme. Your state motto is "Live Free or Die," and to prove it, You don't have seatbelt laws. Yeah, we're like a live reasonably and pay your taxes kind of country here. We are only going to try you guys out only because you seem to be deeply committed to your bit and we want to study you like reptiles on Mars. Ohio. No, no idea. I do not understand Ohio. You're like America's testing ground. Every fast food, every political scandal, every new pandemic strain passes through you first. I think you get the sense that you're like the heart of America, but you're more like that middle management meeting that should have been an email. Super nice people! You're all proud that your state birthed all the famous astronauts, but— doesn't that say a lot more about how badly people want to leave? Also, you have rivers that catch on fire. Rivers are made of water. That's not right. If it weren't for the fact that you folks have enough Midwestern optimism to power most of our north, this would not be happening. Arizona, you are hot, dry, somehow angry about both of those things. Like you built a megacity in a frying pan and then you get confused when the handle gets hot. Every lawn looks like it's auditioning for a cactus funeral. Half your residents are retirees who think sunscreen is socialism, and the other half are running podcasts about lizard people and government. You've got air conditioning so powerful it would cool the sun. I worry that if you join Canada, you would file a complaint about the snow within an hour. Obviously approved because anyone who could survive your weather clearly knows how to adapt. Okay, Washington, D.C., you're not a state, you're not a city, like what the hell are you? We don't get it. A region? Like— and we have 3 territories. 4 if you count St. John's on a weekend. You've got more power than half the planet but no voting rights. Half your population are politicians, the other half are interns pretending they're on the House of Cards. You got Monuments for Freedom surrounded by security checkpoints. Your license plates complain about taxation. We already have Ottawa, we don't need a second one with better restaurants. Denied. Delaware. I'm not even sure you're real. Like, every company in America seems to live there, but no actual people do, right? Am I right about this? We admire the efficiency, but this whole, like, witness protection program vibe is unsettling. I'm not convinced you're just Like, just not like a really clever PO box. California, here we go. You think you're getting in because you're liberal and you have opinions about oat milk, but you are on fire half of the year. You've got tech bros solving problems nobody has. It's like the blockchain but for self-driving dog carriers. Your housing market makes Vancouver look reasonable. Half socialist, half influencer, entirely self-absorbed. We can't afford you emotionally or financially. Consider yourself lucky you have good wine. Texas, genuinely the most difficult call. Austin's great. Most of the people in your state are good neighbors who would help you move a couch, but Lord Tundra Jesus, you're loud and too convinced you're the main character. You want to secede every few years, which is cute because Canada, you know, we love someone who threatens to leave every time it snows. But we already have an overconfident oil province with independence fantasies. Now you have barbecue and Tex-Mex, but you also have Ted Cruz. This is a tough one. I'm going to say yes, but only once you have resubmitted your application in French. Bonne chance. New York. The state or the city? Because the city thinks it is the state. New York City is incredible. Food and diversity. Rats with better work ethic than any of us. But as far as I can tell, upstate is just basically angry people with lake houses. We'll take the city as a province, probably jam it up north somewhere as a tourist attraction. I'm sure Yukon misses their showgirls. Maybe Buffalo too, because, you know, they're used to snow. But the rest of you, oh, you can tag along if you promise to behave. Finally, Florida. This was going to be an absolutely fucking not. You are the season finale of Civilization. Everything is loud and armed and sweaty. You've got alligators in golf courses and pythons in Everglades, and somehow that's not even the top 30 of your problems. Your state is literally shaped like a gun. Your legal system feels like it was written by a guy holding a margarita. So here's how this is going to work. If you did not vote for DeSantis, you are in. If you did, super denied, lifetime ban, don't even look at us. So that's it. Congratulations to the new provinces. Your complimentary bags of milk and your apology scripts will arrive in 4 to 6 weeks. Now, to those states that didn't make the cut, we are sending you each an authentic laminated certificate reading "I'm sorry." Applications for reconsideration will be accepted in 2045 or after you've got universal healthcare, whichever comes first. Now please stay tuned for the French translation of this entire video. Et belle Américaine touriste, femme sconce! Darling, I have waited for you!