Tod Maffin flips the script on travel advisories, issuing tongue-in-cheek warnings for American states. Florida needs SPF 8000, California demands you avoid plastic forks, and Wisconsin poses a cheese threat. It's satirical jabs at U.S. quirks and politics, with Canada painted as the sensible neighbor watching it all.
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No, the US did not issue a travel advisory for Canada, other than to watch out for wildfires and moose traffic, I guess. The US, on the other hand, is full of advisories, so let's break them down state by state. Florida: Visitors should expect cultural disorientation. You may witness a man in a Speedo riding a lawnmower through a drive-through while ranting about 5G. This is considered a normal Wednesday. Do not film him, he's running for office. Bring SPF 8000 and a burner phone. Texas: Avoid non-essential travel unless accompanied by a cultural interpreter and someone who can explain why it's 41 degrees in March and you're still not allowed to say the word climate. Wild West cosplay levels are high. California: Travelers should expect to be scolded for using a plastic fork while standing beside someone injecting Botox into their forehead. Locals will ask what your brand is before asking your name. Expect to spend $14 on a coffee. Alabama: Extreme caution. Locals may assume Canada is a liberal hoax invented by Vermont. Travelers are advised to avoid phrases like science and evolution and social safety net. If you hear the phrase, "Let me tell you what really happened," it's time to fake a phone call and walk away. Arizona: Touching metal may result in second-degree burns. Cacti are not friendly. Do not hug them, lean against, or drunkenly hug them. Do not walk anywhere. It is a driving culture, even if the distance is 3 meters. Wisconsin. Caution: this area is largely made of cheese and passive-aggressive football rivalries. Lactose-intolerant individuals should reconsider travel or carry industrial-strength enzymes. Do not compare the Packers to the Rough Riders. Utah. There is a high likelihood of being approached by clean-cut young men on bicycles asking if you've found your way. This is not a wellness check. Travelers are advised to smile, thank them, and feign interest in curling to end the conversation politely. New York: Travel at your own risk. Locals will yell at you for standing still, walking too fast, walking too slow, asking directions, or existing. Expect to pay $39 for a bagel and get yelled at by a pigeon. Washington, D.C.: Travelers are advised that nearly everyone you meet will claim to be between jobs, or writing a book, or consulting for a think tank. None of these are true. Exercise caution when engaging in conversation. So in summary: U.S.: Lovely people, fascinating country, completely bonkers. Enjoy the sights, dodge the politics, and remember to nod politely when someone tells you that the Earth is 6,000 years old. What state should I do next? By the way, every Saturday I publish a free newsletter about true Canadian stories you've never heard. You can subscribe from my bio link.
Because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have that.
