A business owner near the Canadian border is selling custom golf balls with cheap maple leaf and hockey stereotypes to attract Canadian tourists. The speaker tears into the low-effort gimmick and the broader U.S. incompetence that makes Canada look for trade deals elsewhere.
My account's about to be permanently banned, uh, all because of a terms of service violation, which I am now about to do. I'm about to show you this man's balls. He is a business owner in the US. He's close to the Canadian border. Uh, business is way down because Canadians aren't visiting the US, so to entice Canadians, he has a promotion. He runs a golf course, and these are his balls. If a Canadian comes down and visits his business, he will place his balls. In their hands. There is so much wrong with this, but let's just talk about 3. First, buddy got some discount printer to slap the cheapest, low-effort Canadian stereotypes on there. There's maple syrup bottle, a hockey jersey, and a Mountie. What, no beaver on your balls? Look, in case you Americans didn't know, these are symbols for tourists, okay? Do you think the Irish are putting leprechauns on their condoms so the locals will buy them? Would you come if we took a burger and cut it in the shape of a bald eagle? Actually, scratch that, you probably would. Second, 3 golf balls? That's what, $3 for us to have our phones seized and searched and get detained Maybe imprisoned? I don't think you guys realize, up here we just have to renew our cable package and they give us a 62-inch flat-screen TV. Third, these aren't even standard-sized golf balls. Now that's not normally an issue, except that these smaller balls will be a little harder to see when they land in the mud pit in the yard behind cell block C7 in an El Salvador supermax prison. Look, this is the same fucking guy who like 30 years ago was in a marketing meeting trying to figure out how to sell teens, and he just yells out, "Eh, just put rap music in it!" Biggie, medium, small, kid's meal, keep it straight, it's a good deal. Stop this. Stop it. We're not playing with your balls. We're not coming across your border. We're not touching your flaccid eggplants. Your government is threatening to annex us against our will. That's an act of war. We don't want your gimmicks and your groupons. We've discovered Portugal. We've embraced staycations. Hell, even fucking Moose Jaw looks exotic when the other option is a border guard rummaging through your wallet because you look too academic. We're signing trade deals with Europe and Australia. They're all partnering up there too. I realize you haven't heard anything about this in your news, and that's because you're not part of these deals. The world has moved on. We know not all of you voted for Captain Limp Dick, and we're sorry for you guys too, but you gotta admit, your entire foreign policy right now is being run by a guy who thinks foreplay is taking his socks off. Do you really think we're going to forgive and forget because the Bellingham Chamber of Commerce is offering us a 15% off Best Western coupon? Offer not available on weekends, some conditions apply? Fuck your conditions. Fuck your promotions. Stop spending your money on dime store trinkets that aren't going to work and are just embarrassing you now. I know you put the hockey jersey on your balls because you think it's our national sport, which it is, but do you know we have two national sports? The other one is holding grudges. Oh, and this guy with the balls? He told the CBC, "After all this is behind us, that people remember that we reached out and said, 'Hey, love you guys!'" Buddy, don't you have eggs to save up for or something?
Ten times Canada helped the U.S. with its wildfires, instead of whining about the smoke. 
