Tod MaffinCanadian Commentator, From Far and Wide · Emotional Support Canadian

Australian malls are not shopping centres

4 Jul 2025 · 2 min

Watch on YouTube

1:37

In this humorous YouTube monologue, the speaker recounts a visit to Chermside Mall in Brisbane, Australia, riffing on its massive size, confusing navigation, and quirky features. He jokes about getting lost, the absurd directions involving an "elephant sanctuary" and a "working coal mine," and contrasts Australian bathroom terminology ("toilets") with Canadian euphemisms. The speaker also lampoons the prevalence of pigeons in the mall, praises the aesthetically pleasing sushi, and marvels at the high‑tech digital parking displays that show real‑time spot availability, likening them to air‑traffic control. The video ends with a brief plug for a free downloadable book, emphasizing a limited‑time offer. Throughout, the tone is playful, satirical, and conversational, using cultural comparisons to highlight differences between Australian and Canadian mall experiences.

Chapters

Do I look tired? We were at Chermside in Brisbane. This place is unnecessarily large. It is so big I put my phone on lost mode just to find myself. Apple Maps gave up halfway through and a little error message popped up and suggested that I make peace with my new life. I asked someone where the bathrooms were and they said, "Go past the fourth H&M, uh, turn left at the elephant sanctuary, and if you've hit the working coal mine, you've gone too far." And you probably think I'm kidding about the elephant sanctuary. On the topic of bathrooms, by the way, which we Canadians call bathrooms so that there's some plausible deniability. Maybe you raced there because you needed to do a selfie video and not take care of last night's butter chicken. But they straight up call those rooms toilets. We, we all know what happens in there. Why do you have to be so vulgar? It's like going to church and asking where the sins are kept. Oh, speaking of raging diarrhea, birds are just flying around in that mall like it's a normal thing. In Canada, a pigeon just needs to look at a Tim Hortons and they close it up like a biohazard site and everyone gets trauma counseling. On the right side, their mall sushi is beautiful. It looks like edible origami. It's gorgeous. You people eat your sushi, right? Or is it just like table decor here? The best part? In the parkade, they have the parking sections on digital displays. And why digital, you ask? Because they're not section numbers. They're telling you how many parking spots are available in that row. And once you get into a row, these lights show you where the open spots are. That's how big their malls are. They use air traffic control systems to manage the Toyotas. Anyway, you guys pick Part 5: the zoo or Australian mukbang. Oh, incidentally, if you want more Canada, my book is free to download, but only until tomorrow.